[FFML] [Haruhi] [Dark] Error in Calculation: Chapter Five

[Chester Castañeda]

First off; we'll probably have to agree to disagree with some of the
issues here (because, hey, it's your story and you can characterize
Itsuki any way you want him to be characterized).

On Sun, Mar 28, 2010 at 6:31 PM, Brian Randall <durandall at gmail.com> wrote:
> 2010/3/27 Chester Castañeda <chester.castaneda at gmail.com>:
>> On Fri, Mar 19, 2010 at 1:00 AM, Brian Randall <durandall at gmail.com> wrote:
>>>     Chapter Five: The Last Morning
>>
>> Yay? So I'm guessing chapter six is an epilogue of sorts. Will the
>> last chapter contain a mandatory M. Night Shyamalammadingdong twist? I
>> hope not, those mandatory twists are old hat.
>
> 'Mandatory twists'.  O_o?

You know, those plot twists he does at the end of most of his movies.

>>>     Things started going wrong the day that her friend, Asahina
>>> Mikuru came over in tears, sobbing endlessly about classified
>>> information and death.
>>
>> LOL. I'm sorry, I know you were going for a serious atmosphere here,
>> but being reminded of Asahina's classified information thing gave me a
>> chuckle.
>>
>> Again, it's the Schadenfreude thing.
>
> No, that was entirely intentional.  It is Tsuruya, after all.

Then that makes it a lot more awesome. Kudos. ^_^

>> You auto-format your fics, aren't you? Because there's a stray space
>> before "Except", and I have a feeling it came from the double space
>> you used after "abandoned here".
>
> What's an auto-format?  I write in notepad++, and trust g-mail to take
> care of formatting the rest when I post to e-mail; I just paste
> directly from the original file into the 'compose mail' window.

Ah. So the Google mailbox does it. Now that makes a whole lot of sense...

>>>     "No!" he snapped, before shaking his head.  "Well....  No, that
>>
>> Suggest: snapped, before --> snapped before
>
> Really?  Because I do this a lot.  I'm pretty sure in earlier chapters
> of this same fic, and it didn't seem to be an issue there.
>
> Yeah, I do.  Over a dozen times in the first chapter alone (which
> suggests I use repetitive sentence structure, but anyway), I like the
> suggested stylistic pause.  How did this only just now become an
> issue?

Hmm. If that's so, then I'll stop taking note of that in the future.
If I forget taking note of it, my bad. Besides, I did say it was just
a suggestion. So... yeah. Let's agree to disagree point number one?
^^;

>> Aw, he's back to being pissed off. You already know how I feel about
>> angry-bishonen Koizumi, so I won't repeat myself. I'm also surprised
>> to see him so flustered. Almost thought he was one of those Casanova
>> bishonen types that don't get flustered by womanly attention all that
>> often.
>
> Embarrassed = pissed off?  Evidently, for you, any emotion at all is
> OOC for Koizumi.

Well, the crying thing did get me a bit. Also, in fairness, you've
actually read the novels (although my own personal bias may actually
color my interpretation of him once I get around reading said novels
too; it's only human nature, after all).

> Rant here (having read the entire C&C before I replied):
>
> We do not at all agree on Koizumi's characterization.

I can see that. It's not necessarily a bad thing aaaand... you have
the final say on how you're going to present your fic, so this will be
our agree to disagree point number two. ^^;

> This is _substantially_ toned down from my earlier portrayal of him,
> which I thought was bad because I had a hard time identifying with
> him.

If that's the case, then thank you very much for considering my
feedback of your portrayal even though we have differing views on
Itsuki. Other authors wouldn't even give such feedback the chance, so
let me tell you how grateful I am for the consideration.

> I am incredibly stressed over your adamant interpretation that
> he only acts like a 2d cutout with no depth because he _really_ is
> that way, and any and all attempts to show him as a human being are a
> total failure at describing him correctly, even though evidently it's
> okay for alien-robot-girls to cry.

I apologize for getting you stressed over my opinion on his portrayal.
If you're adamant about your portrayal about him as correct, then I
won't push the issue any further because, really, this is merely
opinion and feedback, not a place for debate over character
interpretations. If I've distressed you in any way (and why wouldn't
you be stressed... you actually did the effort to improve
characterization, and then this jack-off over here still says it's not
enough; as you say, mea culpa), then I apologize. I was merely sharing
my opinion, and it's not a hard, fast fact or the only way to portray
Itsuki.

> In the interests of maintaining constructive dialogue, I'm now
> ignoring all of your commentary about his characterization; if you
> really can't stand how I write him, please don't comment on this fic
> anymore.

Again, I'm sorry if you feel slighted by my comments.

> Your feedback concerning Koizumi is, to put it mildly,
> _quite grating_.  It's immensely distressing to me; I want
> constructive feedback as much as anyone, and I especially want to
> encourage constructive commentary in general.  But your feedback has
> stopped being that, at least concerning this one aspect.

Okay, I'll stop commenting on Koizumi from this point on since it's
obviously a sore spot to you at this point.

> If you wish to discuss it after you've read the novels, then I may be
> more receptive to it at that point.  But even based only on the anime,
> I predict we will simply never agree.  In any case, you have my
> apologies for that.

No, no, it's quite all right. I just cannot apologize enough in regard
to the Koizumi thing; so, as a compromise, I won't be commenting
anymore in regards to Koizumi in future C&C, if you would allow me to
C&C. Is that an okay enough compromise or do you feel too slighted by
my feedback?

>> Suggest: Tsuruya estate --> Tsuruya Estate (I think it's being used as
>> a proper noun there, hence the capitalization; here and henceforth,
>> because you used the "Tsuruya estate" moniker quite a lot throughout
>> the fic)
>>
>> http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/capitals.htm
>
> Um....  I worked for a while proofing people's formal cards (wedding
> invitation, housewarming, etc.) and there was an in-house style book
> we always had to use in these cases.  I am probably relying on my
> memory of that, even though we acknowledged that the 'protocol'
> correct capitalization tended to vary from the grammatically correct.
> I should not do that.

Hmmm. Okay. Interesting. I'll keep that in mind the next time I
feedback other fics. After all, some of these rules aren't hard, fast
rules after all.

>> For your "fiction"? Don't you mean "faction" or is "fiction" being
>> used here to connote the constructed story you're attempting to
>> create?
>
> That is 'fiction', intentionally.

Very good, then.

> Evidently not enough work weeding out hyphens.  All those Japanese
> honorifics....

Heh. All those honorifics translate to a lot of hyphens, yes.

>> "I even delayed the next chapter to incorporate any changes I might
>> make based on your advice....  I will proofread one last time and post
>> as soon as I get back home; on that note, I'm late. >_>;;"
>
> That was specifically in regards to grammar, not characterization.
> Mea culpa; I didn't specify that.

Ah, okay. I misinterpreted it. At any rate, characterization doesn't
necessarily have to follow some hard, fast rule (the same as with
grammar in terms of poetic license). I admit, I may be mistaken with
my opinion once I read the novels. I may believe I'm right after
reading the novels and use several facts there to back up my claims as
well. You've read the novels, so you probably have a better idea
behind Itsuki's characterization. I'm just sorry my snarkiness grated
you. I'll see to it that it won't happen again or else risk getting
killfiled by you. ^^; Gomen.

>> But in fairness, you've IMO captured the true essences of Nagato and
>> Haruhi quite well. AFAIK, they're reacting well in accordance to the
>> personalities established by canon (or at least the anime version of
>> canon). I can't say much about the other characters because my
>> knowledge about them is rather limited, to say the least. In any
>> event, I liked Nagato's little "Help me. I'm being abducted," skit
>> with Koizumi and her continuous wave. Aside from that, I see this
>> chapter as nothing more than a transitional chapter for the ending and
>> the epilogue (if there's an epilogue); mildly amusing, a bit bland,
>> but it moves the plot forward and it's necessary as far as natural
>> progression is concerned. Can't wait for the rest, so...
>
> Thank you for the very detailed, if distressing, commentary.

I apologize again. Even with the warning and the disclaimers, my
commentary can be pretty distressing. There's not enough warning to
fully prepare people for my acerbic commentary. ^^;;