[FFML] [Haruhi] [Dark] Error in Calculation: Chapter Five

[Brian Randall]

2010/3/27 Chester Castañeda <chester.castaneda at gmail.com>:
> On Fri, Mar 19, 2010 at 1:00 AM, Brian Randall <durandall at gmail.com> wrote:
>>     Chapter Five: The Last Morning
>
> Yay? So I'm guessing chapter six is an epilogue of sorts. Will the
> last chapter contain a mandatory M. Night Shyamalammadingdong twist? I
> hope not, those mandatory twists are old hat.

'Mandatory twists'.  O_o?

>>     Her world was supposed to be full of smiles and joy.
>
> Then this Brian Randall fanfic author came along and changed things. Forever.

Gee.  Thanks.

>> She wase an
>
> Revise: wase --> was (typo)

Hmm.  Not sure how that happened.

>>     Things started going wrong the day that her friend, Asahina
>> Mikuru came over in tears, sobbing endlessly about classified
>> information and death.
>
> LOL. I'm sorry, I know you were going for a serious atmosphere here,
> but being reminded of Asahina's classified information thing gave me a
> chuckle.
>
> Again, it's the Schadenfreude thing.

No, that was entirely intentional.  It is Tsuruya, after all.

>> She'd tried her best to cheer Mikuru up, even though
>> she had no idea who this 'Kyon' person she was so broken up about was.
>>  A boyfriend Mikuru had just never mentioned?  A classmate that
>> Tsuruya just hadn't met?
>
> Er, so this is before that filming of that school festival thing? The
> mixed-up episode were cute, but it doesn't confuse the hell out of
> most anime-only viewers of Haruhi when it comes to trying to
> chronologically make sense of events.

Yes.  Tsuruya is introduced to Kyon in the baseball episode (which
IIRC, chronologically occurs directly after melancholy).

> (thinks) Now I know how Doctor Manhattan feels... You know, save for
> the swinging wiener thing on a CGI-sculpted body. >_>

Ugh, tickets to see that in IMAX last year, and there I was seated
with that thing at eye-level ... talk about larger-than-life. >_<

>>     So she waited as patiently as she could.  She wasn't certain how,
>> but she was confident that some day, hopefully soon, she'd be able to
>
> Suggest: some day --> someday

Sure.

>> heartbeat later, a kindly looking face with pale green eyes gazed into
>
> Suggest: pale-green

Alrighty.

>>     "Momentarily," she allowed.  "I do not wish to be abandoned here.
>>  Except for relying on direct access to my superiors, I do not have
>
> You auto-format your fics, aren't you? Because there's a stray space
> before "Except", and I have a feeling it came from the double space
> you used after "abandoned here".

What's an auto-format?  I write in notepad++, and trust g-mail to take
care of formatting the rest when I post to e-mail; I just paste
directly from the original file into the 'compose mail' window.

>>     "No!" he snapped, before shaking his head.  "Well....  No, that
>
> Suggest: snapped, before --> snapped before

Really?  Because I do this a lot.  I'm pretty sure in earlier chapters
of this same fic, and it didn't seem to be an issue there.

Yeah, I do.  Over a dozen times in the first chapter alone (which
suggests I use repetitive sentence structure, but anyway), I like the
suggested stylistic pause.  How did this only just now become an
issue?

>> doesn't-  We're getting a bit off subject."
>
> Suggest: off subject --> off-topic / off the subject / off-subject

All that time weeding out the hyphens I had determined I didn't
actually need....  The last one is closest; I'll go with that.

> Aw, he's back to being pissed off. You already know how I feel about
> angry-bishonen Koizumi, so I won't repeat myself. I'm also surprised
> to see him so flustered. Almost thought he was one of those Casanova
> bishonen types that don't get flustered by womanly attention all that
> often.

Embarrassed = pissed off?  Evidently, for you, any emotion at all is
OOC for Koizumi.

Rant here (having read the entire C&C before I replied):

We do not at all agree on Koizumi's characterization.

This is _substantially_ toned down from my earlier portrayal of him,
which I thought was bad because I had a hard time identifying with
him.  I am incredibly stressed over your adamant interpretation that
he only acts like a 2d cutout with no depth because he _really_ is
that way, and any and all attempts to show him as a human being are a
total failure at describing him correctly, even though evidently it's
okay for alien-robot-girls to cry.

In the interests of maintaining constructive dialogue, I'm now
ignoring all of your commentary about his characterization; if you
really can't stand how I write him, please don't comment on this fic
anymore.  Your feedback concerning Koizumi is, to put it mildly,
_quite grating_.  It's immensely distressing to me; I want
constructive feedback as much as anyone, and I especially want to
encourage constructive commentary in general.  But your feedback has
stopped being that, at least concerning this one aspect.

If you wish to discuss it after you've read the novels, then I may be
more receptive to it at that point.  But even based only on the anime,
I predict we will simply never agree.  In any case, you have my
apologies for that.

> Revise: long term --> long-term (hyphenate compound descriptors)
>
> Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non
> compound descriptors should be separated.

Unless commented otherwise, I used all grammatical suggestions.

> I just noticed something. You're using "finally" a lot throughout your
> fic. Watch out for it so that you can add more variety to your
> narrative.

Will do.  I've noticed it recently myself.

>>     "I can tell you some about the Organization, but I was kept in
>
> Revise: some about --> something about / some information about / etc.
> (missing word/poor choice of words)
>
> Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Hmm.  Since this is dialog, I'm going to leave it as it is.  Actually,
I'm not even convinced it _is_ grammatically incorrect.

>>     Oishi's face contorted, before he closed his eyes and took a
>
> Revise: contorted, before --> contorted before (no need for the comma there)
>
> http://www.northland.cc.mn.us/owl/comma_rules.htm

I find it somewhat amusing that the page you linked has errors in it.
Check example 4a.

However, that paragraph is clunky, with a lot of repetition it doesn't
need.  I'll revise the entire thing.

>>     "Koizumi-kun here just needs to be seen entering the estate,"
>> Akasaka explained.  "He's already wanted for questioning.  We can
>> release Suzumiya--  Ah, sorry, Kimidori-san, here, and he can 'abduct'
>
> Suggest: Suzumiya-- Ah --> Suzumiya -- Ah (because you seem to always
> use the dash and the ellipsis with spaces on either end of them)

Note that this one actually terminates a sentence.  Elsewhere, they're
effectively parenthetical asides (an ill-advised convention I adopted
that I really need to break away from).

>> her, drag her into the Tsuruya estate, and then ... vanish.  At this
>> point, I'll mobilize the Special Assault Team -- we can probably
>> consider this on level with terrorism, given the passport violations,
>> abduction of Suzumiya Haruhi, and everything else in this case that's
>> gone wrong."
>
> Suggest: Tsuruya estate --> Tsuruya Estate (I think it's being used as
> a proper noun there, hence the capitalization; here and henceforth,
> because you used the "Tsuruya estate" moniker quite a lot throughout
> the fic)
>
> http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/capitals.htm

Um....  I worked for a while proofing people's formal cards (wedding
invitation, housewarming, etc.) and there was an in-house style book
we always had to use in these cases.  I am probably relying on my
memory of that, even though we acknowledged that the 'protocol'
correct capitalization tended to vary from the grammatically correct.
I should not do that.

> For your "fiction"? Don't you mean "faction" or is "fiction" being
> used here to connote the constructed story you're attempting to
> create?

That is 'fiction', intentionally.

>>     Emiri's eyes fixed on Koizumi in warning, but he either didn't
>> catch it, or pretended not to notice.  "Let's leave it at that," she
>
> Revise: it, or --> it or (comma muyo)

Really?  That one still seems right to me.

>> said gently.  "What we are is not relevant here."
>
> I actually have no idea why she's giving him the eye myself. Does the
> information behind that contain spoilers for the novel, dear author?

No.  The author felt it was appropriate for some reason.  The
offending paragraph and half of the next were deleted.

>>     Koizumi pursed his lips, then nodded.  "Okay," he said, finally.
>
> Suggest: said, finally --> said finally

That looks really off to me.  Just cut 'finally' since it's overused
here anyway.

>>     Back in closed space, Itsuki streaked across the sky towards the
>> train-station listed on Oishi's scrawled note, swiftly following the
>
> Revise: train-station --> train station (unless there's a reason
> behind your hyphenation of that AFAIK non-hyphenated word; I'm all
> ears)

Evidently not enough work weeding out hyphens.  All those Japanese
honorifics....

>>     Nagato took a long moment to reply, finally saying, "I have
>
> You have a penchant for overusing "finally" once you've used it in a
> chapter, as if you couldn't get rid of the word "finally" in your
> mind. Suggest discarding it or substituting it for synonyms like "at
> last" and "ultimately" wherever appropriate (sorry, pet peeve).

Already noted.

> Um, "more of that resignation"? Why? Was his resignation noted earlier
> on to warrant this aside? I may have snipped it in my haste to
> proofread, if it's anywhere in this chapter.

I just deleted that and the following paragraph.  Arakawa's line is a
fine place to shift POV.

> "I even delayed the next chapter to incorporate any changes I might
> make based on your advice....  I will proofread one last time and post
> as soon as I get back home; on that note, I'm late. >_>;;"

That was specifically in regards to grammar, not characterization.
Mea culpa; I didn't specify that.

> But in fairness, you've IMO captured the true essences of Nagato and
> Haruhi quite well. AFAIK, they're reacting well in accordance to the
> personalities established by canon (or at least the anime version of
> canon). I can't say much about the other characters because my
> knowledge about them is rather limited, to say the least. In any
> event, I liked Nagato's little "Help me. I'm being abducted," skit
> with Koizumi and her continuous wave. Aside from that, I see this
> chapter as nothing more than a transitional chapter for the ending and
> the epilogue (if there's an epilogue); mildly amusing, a bit bland,
> but it moves the plot forward and it's necessary as far as natural
> progression is concerned. Can't wait for the rest, so...

Thank you for the very detailed, if distressing, commentary.

> Keep on writing,
> Abdiel
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
> "When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering to
> tell you anymore, that's a very bad place to be. Your critics are the
> ones telling you they still love you and care."

-- 
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.florestica.com/brandall/
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.