No subject

that has him frowning?

> "I'm..." She paused, humming in thought for a moment, before continuing, =
"I'm not used to royalty whatsoever, and I'm pretty socially independent. S=
o... it's just... not in my nature to act so... subservient. I tend to toss=
 out the phrase 'respect is earned, not given,' but in truth, I tend to sho=
w little respect to anyone."

Suddenly, the fic turned into Oprah. O_o I hope the fat, bald, Texan
man pretending to be a doctor isn't anywhere around there...

> Kyle nodded, and she continued. "I'm not used to strong-willed men, but w=
omen? I've quite a few of them around me at almost all times."
>
> "Ahh... the senshi."

Heh. On the other hand, had this been a king in a patriarchal society
and he had the strong-willed woman in his court turned into a
strong-willed man, then... Huh.

> "Yes. My friends, my protectors, the guardians of the Silver Millennium. =
They

Suggest: guardians of --> Guardians of

> themselves are not as free-spirited as you at your most rebellious times,=
 but you behave far more like one of them than any of my male guards."

So your male guards are basically paranoid eunuchs then, huh?

> "So... it's to make you comfortable? At the expense of my comfort?" Kyle =
asked, her displeasure creeping into her voice.

At this point, as much as I hate to say it, I agree with Kyle. That
was a dick move on Serenity's part, even with her lack of wiener-like
assets.

> "No, it's... something Elune refused to say. But from what I can guess, I=
'm to come to trust you as I do any of my senshi... to what end, I don't kn=
ow, but in this way, I can begin to get over the part of you that frightens=
 me the most." Serenity replied cryptically.

Revise: most." Serenity --> most," Serenity

> "Well, that's..." Kyle started, before pausing. "What frightens you the m=
ost? The fact that I'm a guy?"

Revise: started, before --> started before

> "Have you ever wondered why no men are senshi, despite an even split in t=
he sexes, both on earth and in the Silver Millennium?" Serenity asked, chan=
ging tactics.

I chose to believe that the best warriors at that time just happened
to be women and their affinity with planets and stuff.

> "You mean, aside from the fact that it was a story written by a girl, for=
 girls, and a bunch of guys acting like girls would be fairly underselling?=
" Kyle deadpanned.

Hey, before Naoko Takeuchi wrote Sailor Moon, most of the magical
girls were in the mold of Minky Momo, animated versions of the
Bewitched series, or whatever the name of the anime that Osamu Tezuka
wrote about a cross-dressing little girl with a sword. Common themes
involved thievery a la Lupin the Third and shenanigans with magic.

What's more, as evidenced by the Sailor Moon fics and Sailor Moon
crossovers, a lot of male authors loved the series. Because of
Takeuchi, she was able to bring together the adorably cheesy action of
sentai, the fanboy-attracting idea of sailor-uniformed fighters of
justice, and magical powers. Sure it's cliche nowadays, but Takeuchi
deserves credit with the way she rebuilt the magical girl genre.

> "... That's... not quite the response I expected." She shook her head, be=
fore

Revise: head, before --> head before

Also: Kyle is thinking too much in terms of Sailor Moon being a series
instead of the actual in-world motivations of the characters. For
example, even though there are obvious, Wallbanger, and
Writer-On-Board shenanigans happening with Spiderman's One More Day
thing, in-world motivations suggest that Peter merely wants to go back
to the way things were at the risk of sacrificing a love he could
regain in the future. It's still stupid, but that's his seeming
character motivation anyway.

> pointing at Kyle, "there's a common theme in many of the cultures I've ob=
served; 'women create, and men destroy.' It's certainly untrue, as both hav=
e the capacity for both creation and destruction, but-"

Revise: create, and --> create and

Also: Serenity's kind of talking like a straw feminist there. It's
starting to bother me, especially since she's had such a good run so
far in your fanfic.

> "Every myth has some basis in truth," Kyle said, cutting her off.

O_o And it gets weirder and weirder. The fic seems to have a rather
simplified point of view of the world, and it reflects on the way Kyle
is written and how Serenity is explaining her objectives in changing
Kyle into a chick in the first place. IMO, it would've been better if
you hand waved the whole thing instead of creating some sort of
strange, faux-feminist objective in Queen Serenity that she didn't
even possess in canon.

> Serenity smirked. "Indeed. A nice way to put it. So, when the idea of the=
 Senshi was first proposed, we decided that, in a female-ruled society, a s=
et of female guardians would reinforce the theme we'd established: forging =
an empire of peace and prosperity."
>
> "So... men kinda got shafted." Kyle said.

Revise: shafted." Kyle --> shafted," Kyle

Mousse (Ranma 1/2): (pouts)

> "Of course not. They're not second-class citizens, and they certainly hav=
e every opportunity to advance as women, but certain positions are held onl=
y by women,

The second sentence directly contradicted the first.

> regal bearing, she elaborated. "My Kingdom is in danger. I knew this befo=
re you came, and have done all I can to see it through these troubled times=
. Yet you imply that there's more to come, up to and including the collapse=
 of everything we've ever built."

Revise, suggest: My Kingdom --> My kingdom /The Moon Kingdom

Also: and have --> and I have (missing word)

> Serenity shook her head. "I don't know what to think. Elune, however... s=
he feels it is destiny. And I fear she's correct. There's something about y=
ou two that implies change, unpredictability... chaos. If I can harness tha=
t for the good of my kingdom, my

It's probably a bad idea to rely on people whose natures imply chaos,
since the agents of chaos only work for that end and that end alone.

> Kyle sighed. "People are dying?"
>
> "Few at first, but recently, it's been hard to face the coming day, knowi=
ng that a

Suggest: it's been --> it has been

> steadily growing list of casualties is waiting for me each morning." Sere=
nity explained, factually.

Revise: morning." Serenity explained, factually --> morning," Serenity
explained factually (speech indicator error; comma error)

> "And you think I can somehow change this?" Kyle asked quietly, eyes close=
d.

Suggest: eyes closed --> his eyes closed

> "I don't know. Can you?" Serenity asked, just as quietly.

Revise: asked, just --> asked just

> Kyle thought on this.

Revise: on this --> about this (it's a more appropriate preposition)

> Without asking, Serenity had requested his aid. Aid in a fight he knew wa=
s destined to fail. And yet, was it? He knew the source, knew the enemies p=
lans, and even had a rough idea as to when the decapitating blow was to be =
delivered. Could he change history so drastically? Should he?

W-ell, if he did, then what would become of Sailor Moon? Also,
arguably, by changing this Serenity's timeline, he's just making
another dimension where the Silver Millennium didn't fall in the hands
of the Dark Kingdom. If worse comes to worst, then it'd be the Moon
Kingdom that's the enemy of mankind in the future. What's more, what
if his efforts become little more than another Charge of the Light
Brigade? Hell, if fails spectacularly in trying to change the Sailor
Moon Universe's history, then the historical Charge of the Light
Brigade will be compared to the Fall of the Moon Kingdom in that
dimension.

> Opening his glowing eyes to look down at his- no, her obviously female ch=
est, an attempt by Elune to help him gain Serenity's trust faster, Kyle cou=
ldn't help but sigh in resignation. There was really no other answer to giv=
e.

Suggest: chest, an attempt by Elune to help him gain Serenity's trust
faster, Kyle --> chest... an attempt by Elune to help him gain
Serenity's trust faster... Kyle / chest -- an attempt by Elune to help
him gain Serenity's trust faster -- Kyle (there are other punctuation
marks you can use other than commas; then again, you're still abusing
prepositional phrases again)

> "And the violence? casualties? Collateral damage and innocent bystanders =
whose luck

Revise: casualties --> Casualties (capitalize the first word of every sente=
nce)

> "I'm a queen. We have to have some tact to get through the day." She said=
, rolling her eyes and smiling. "Do you?"

Revise: day." She said, --> day," she said, (speech indicator error)

> "You are a queen... And by accepting, I suppose that would make you my qu=
een, as well. So, your highness, I feel I should say, with all due respect,=
 that you're being an idiot for even considering the possibility that he'd =
turn you down."

Revise: queen, as well --> queen as well

Also: So, your --> So your highness

Again: Watch out for your prepositional phrase abuse.

> "... Really?" She asked, looking somewhat surprised.

Revise: She asked --> she asked (speech indicator error)

> "Yes yes, your precious space-rock." Kyle said, rolling over in bed so he=
r back was to the queen.

Revise: Yes yes, --> Yes, yes, (missing comma)

Also: space-rock." Kyle --> space rock," Kyle (no need for the hyphen,
speech indicator error)

> "Oh, I see how it is," Kyle answered, before the room was full of flying =
pillows and bubbly laughter.

Random pillow fight FTW?

> Matt glared at the ceiling. He didn't know why, but he had the sudden sen=
sation that he was missing out on one spectacular girl-on-girl pillow fight=
, and every bit of him that was Tannim was screaming at him to go outside a=
nd look for it.

Heh. But wouldn't that be weird, though? I mean, it's Kyle!

Ranma: (shrugs) My being a man never stopped my author and fan fiction
authors to use my girl self as fanservice fodder.

> Matt spent the rest of his evening trying to block out the mental image o=
f the two bouncing up and down on their beds, tossing pillows at one anothe=
r.

You can't get any more blatant than that.

...Next chapter!

>
> Chapter 8
>
> Xxxxx
>
> "Think they suspect something?"
>
> "Not likely. And even if they did, that tainted soup should keep them asl=
eep long enough for us to grab the one and get back."

The one...? The one _what_?

> "I'm not going to... jus' sayin'..."
>
> "Alright, we're good. Lets go."

Revise: Lets --> Let's (that is, it's a contraction of "Let us", as in
"Let us go")

Grammar Rule #26: Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it
when its not needed and use it correctly with words' that show
possession.

> Xxxxx
>
> Kyle rushed through the woods, doing her best to ignore the shouts of Mat=
t fading behind her. The day was off to a pretty horrible start.

That's a weird skip from bouncy pillow fights to running into the
woods a la Evil Dead.

> Dejected, the party had traveled to Goldshire at Kyle's insistence, in an=
 attempt to

Revise: insistence, in --> insistence in

> plan their next move. A Small village outside of the bustling fortress-ci=
ty of

Revise: Small --> small (please stop randomly capitalizing words)

> That was yesterday. Today, they'd woken up to a warm meal, and no Serenit=
y. In her

Revise: warm meal, and --> warm meal and

Also: Dammit. -_- I keep expecting Serenity to have a more active role
in the team (and she's awesome enough as is), but then the story keeps
making her kidnap fodder or something. Half of the time they're
questing, Kyle and Matt end up looking for Serenity, as though she
were Ryoga Hibiki or a lost child. What a faux action MILF that
Serenity is. She's nothing more than just another Princess Peach, it
would seem.

> place had been a piece of gold, and a note not to follow them.

Revise: gold, and --> gold and

> Reaching an empty clearing, Kyle stopped, half his mind screaming at her =
for running like an idiot, and the other half screaming at him for letting =
this happen.

Revise: idiot, and --> idiot and

Heh.

> "Of all the-!" Matt punched the nearby tree with a gauntleted fist, and g=
rowled in

Revise: fist, and --> fist and

> frustration. "We have to find her! Hire a hunter to track them down! Do s=
omething!"

Isn't it supposed to be "ranger" instead of "hunter"? Then again, I
have no idea how WoW works, so whatever.

> The foliage danced with the wind as if in response to the agitation felt =
by the two standing in the clearing. For once, Kyle was at a loss for what =
to do next. Everything had been planned. They'd retrieve the rock, head bac=
k to the Moon Kingdom, thwart the impending invasion and go home. Now the G=
old Farmers had kidnapped their one ticket

Revise: invasion and --> invasion, and (comma needed)

Use commas...

1. To separate items in a series.

> back, and thrown everything for a loop. It had been carelessness, a stupi=
d mistake to

Revise: back, and --> back and

> not set some sort of watch or perimeter guard, she knew, and all this cou=
ld have probably been avoided. But when Serenity insisted on her own room l=
ast night, she hadn't even thought twice about it...

Suggest: Serenity insisted on her own --> Serenity insisted on getting
her own (you might as well complete your sentences to ensure their
clarity)

> Kyle stared at Matt for a moment, before shaking her head free of the end=
less loop of

Revision: moment, before --> moment before

> recriminations going through her head. "Yeah... yeah we are. They want to=
 play at

Suggest: Yeah... yeah we are. --> Yeah... Yeah, we are. / Yeah. Yeah, we ar=
e.

> being bad like that? Then we'll just have to introduce them to some Twent=
y-first century bad-assery."

Revise: Twenty-first century bad-assery --> Twenty-first Century
Bad-Assery / twenty-first century bad-assery (if you're going to
capitalize things, then make sure that it's consistent)

> "What's the plan?" Matt asked, as he followed.

Revise: asked, as --> asked as (comma not needed)

> "We get whatever we left at the inn, and head to Stormwind. If there were=
 Gold

Revise: inn, and --> inn and

> "Are we going to kill them?" Distaste was evident in his face and voice. =
"I know they're bad guys, but... they're still people."

I do like the realistic way the fic is handling their distaste over
actual, honest-to-goodness killing. Had this been another self-insert
fic, it would have let the author avatars run roughshod across the WoW
landscape like "Hackers on Steroids" or something.

> "Matt! Right now, I'm in a body that's distinctly not mine. I have ears t=
hat make sleeping on my back uncomfortable, foreign thoughts constantly run=
ning through my head, and I swear to god, I think it's that time of month o=
r something.

Heh.

> And Jae is not at all opposed to killing those who threaten or hurt her f=
riends. So please don't give me any reason to tear into you, alright?" Kyle=
 snapped, before stepping onto the road that lead from Goldshire to Stormwi=
nd.

Revise: snapped, before --> snapped before

> "Jae fought the Scourge as well. Both here, and at Hyjal. Don't you dare =
compare me

Revise: here, and --> here and (comma muyo)

> to those mindless abominations. I will refrain from outright killing, but=
 only because a trail of dead bodies will not help up. But don't expect me =
to ask nicely when

Revise: help up --> help us

Grammar Rule #0 was broken yet again.

> we confront them." Kyle replied, eyes narrowed and mouth drawn tight.

Revise: them." Kyle replied --> them," Kyle replied

> "Fine." Matt said tersely, and stepped back with obvious reluctance.

Revise: tersely, and --> tersely and

> "But know this: I will not hesitate to place myself between you and an en=
emy if I deem it necessary; and on that day, feel free to 'tear into me' if=
 you dare."

Heh. Now _that's_ true bad-assery right there. You don't need to
announce your bad-assery, just live it to the fullest.

> Kyle sneered, before spinning to continue on her way.

Revise: sneered, before --> sneered before

> "Like I care," she shot over her shoulder. "Water-boarding doesn't leave =
any physical scars, anyway."

Lame comeback. Matt p0wned you, dude.

> After paying for the interrupted and untouched breakfast, and asking the =
innkeeper if they'd seen anything,

Revise: breakfast, and --> breakfast and

> Kyle left, tossing Matt what little he'd left behind as he passed, headin=
g up the road to Stormwind.

What little _what_, exactly? What little change? What little food?
What little laundry lint?

> Matt huffed and he puffed as he shuffled behind slowly in his plate armor=
. This stuff

Revise: Matt huffed and he puffed --> Matt huffed and puffed (get rid
of "he" because it makes that part of the sentence sound wordy)

> Elwynn forest, in which Goldshire sat in the center of, was cheery-lookin=
g, which

Suggest: forest, in which Goldshire sat in the center of, was -->
forest... in which Goldshire sat in the center of... was / forest --
in which Goldshire sat in the center of -- was (use other punctuation
marks; that's partly why they exist--so that redundant and wrong usage
of the comma could be avoided)

> only helped to enhance Kyle's foul mood. When a lost-looking young dwarf,=
 stepped in

Revise: dwarf, stepped --> dwarf stepped (comma not needed)

> "Aye, you look like you know your way around these parts." The Dwarf repl=
ied.

Revise: parts." The Dwarf replied. --> parts," the dwarf replied.
(speech indicator error and capitalization error)

> east and west. Travel west, and just follow the road... you can't really =
miss Westfall, It's after the bridge, just look for the tower."

Revise: Westfall, It's --> Westfall, it's (capitalization error)

> "I see. Thank you ma'am. And you too, good sir. Always nice to see a fell=
ow Paladin."

Revise: Paladin --> paladin

> With that, the Dwarf raised his shiny battle hammer in salute, before hea=
ding down

Revise: the Dwarf --> the dwarf

Also: salute, before --> salute before

> the road. "Thanks again," he called back. "You two make a cute couple!"
>
> Whatever satisfaction Kyle had taken out of helping the young paladin die=
d with that,

Hehehehe. Ryoga and Ranko probably feel the same way whenever they're
told that line. Oh, before I forget...

Suggest: with that --> after hearing that last remark (because you're
kind of overusing the "with that" term; it's getting redundant)

> "Lets get going, dear. We've still got a ways ahead of us." Despite Kyle'=
s rather

Revise: Lets get --> Let's get

LOL. At least Matt has a sense of humor and a modified non-killing vow
("Won't kill as much as possible" as opposed to "Don't kill"). I don't
know if it's Kyle's attitude in their good cop, bad cop routine that's
making him stand out, but I have to admit that Matt's a lot more
relaxed and cool with this adventuring gig than Kyle ever will.

> loudly proclaimed disagreement that it wouldn't take long, Matt kept his =
grip and forcibly dragged the Night Elf towards their destination. His grea=
ter weight allowed

Revise: Night Elf --> night elf

> "I figure I might as well check the trade district, maybe the innkeeper t=
here might

Revise: district, maybe --> district; maybe

Put a semicolon...

1. Between two independent clauses not connected by a coordinating conjunct=
ion.

...and not a comma.

> have a better idea of where to look for them than our last one. If not on=
e of the merchants in the area might have a clue."

If not one of the merchants in the area might have a clue... then what?

Please complete your sentences, fic.

Grammar Rule #41: In writing, it's important to remember that dangling
sentences.

> The city of Stormwind was, as one would expect of a capital city, huge, a=
nd the granite and marble that made up most of it still shone brightly in t=
he morning sunlight. The main entrance from Elwynn Forest lead visitors pas=
t some rather

Revise: lead --> led

"led" =3D past tense of "lead"

"lead" (pronounced "led") =3D something that's not used in paints nowadays

Got it? Good.

> impressive marble statues of heroes from earlier wars (games), directly i=
nto the Trade district, east of which lay Old Town, where Kyle turned to go=
.

Suggest: getting rid of all the commas on the above passage; you don't
need any of them there.

> Matt turned left, in the opposite direction, heading toward where he vagu=
ely remembered the inn to be. Luck was with him; not only did he head in th=
e correct direction immediately, but every shop had huge signs hanging abov=
e the doors, cheerfully proclaiming their wares with large pictures so as n=
ot to confuse newcomers.

That's a wise decision to make for a place that's a hodgepodge of
languages and, er, nationalities!

> "Certainly good sir!" Finally, a customer that appreciated her fine apple=
 ale! "Would

Revise: Certainly good sir! --> Certainly, good sir!

Proprietor: Then again, he _is_ a certainly good sir!

See how a missing comma changes the entire meaning of your dialogue?

> Unlike the seemingly-random spread of vendor's carts and the sound of bar=
kers crying their wares out to passerby's in the trade district, Old Town w=
as serene, despite its

Revise: seemingly-random --> seemingly random (don't ever hyphenate an
adverb and an adjective together)

Also: passerby's --> passersby (don't use an apostrophe-s to
pluralize, well, _anything_; it's mostly used for contractions and
possessives)

Furthermore: serene, despite --> serene despite

> somewhat-hypocritical name. Almost all of Stormwind had been destroyed in=
 the second Warcraft game, and only recently rebuilt within the past twenty=
 years or so. Old town

Revise: Old town --> Old Town (don't forget to capitalize the "town"
part as well)

> was mostly as new as the rest of the city. What hadn't been replaced had =
been touched up quite a bit. Despite that, the architecture here felt less.=
.. refined; which suited Kyle fine.

Revise: refined; which --> refined, which

> "Well well, what have we here, boys?"

Revise: Well well --> Well, well

Suggest: well, what --> well... What

> Kyle rolled her eyes as a gang of young humans stepped out of an alleyway=
, one keeping a close eye on the road leading towards the militia barracks.

Young Human A: Look, boys! It's an Avatar cosplayer. Hey, Smurfy-Cat!
Congratulations on the Best Picture... nomination! LOL!

> "-they have to pay the toll!" a third finished, picking up what the leade=
r had started saying mid-sentence.

Suggest: saying mid-sentence --> saying in mid-sentence

> Glancing around, Kyle smirked, glad Matt had left, before lunging, glad t=
o be offered a chance to take out her frustrations.

That sentence is halting and awkward. Suggest revision.

Suggest: Glancing around before lunging, Kyle smirked. He was glad
Matt had left and he was happy to be offered a chance to take out her
frustrations.

You've broken Grammar Rule #43 all over again. Because you abuse
prepositional phrases so much and commas so much, it sounds like the
narrative or your characters are talking like Hugh Grant or Jeff
Goldblum.

> Before they could do more than cry out in surprise, the one watching the =
road received a boot heel to the head, the second had been body-checked int=
o the stone wall nearby, the third was flopping around on the ground after =
taking a fist to the face, and the leader was now staring into the unsettli=
ng silver eyes of the female night elf assassin who was poking him in the n=
eck with the tip of a plain-looking (but definitely sharp) dagger.

That was kind of awesome. Battousai-like, I daresay.

> "Gold Farmers. What do you know about them." Kyle asked flatly, ears twit=
ching as she listened to the one on the ground behind her continue to try t=
o get his bearings.

Revise: them." --> them?" (that was a question, so punctuate it like a ques=
tion)

This time, you're breaking Grammar Rule #80 once more.

> "G-g-gold? Farmers?" The leader asked, earlier bravado replaced with stut=
ter-inducing fear.

Revise: Farmers?" The --> Farmers?" the

Suggest: earlier bravado --> his earlier bravado

Also: Gold Farming is Serious Business.

> "Yes. Gold Farmers. I'm not in a good mood, so if you could answer me qui=
ckly, I'd be far less likely to use this," she emphasized her threat by jig=
gling the dagger against his jugular.

Revise: this," she --> this." She ("emphasized" wasn't used to
indicate speech in that sentence, so the sentence following the
dialogue should be considered a wholly separate sentence)

> "Ahh," he quailed, swallowing and wincing as the shift drove the dagger a=
 bit deeper into his throat. "I've... heard of 'em. B-but never actually me=
t one."

Suggest: B-but never --> B-but I never

> "Go on," Kyle prompted, smiling even as he heard the youth on the ground =
start to climb to his feet.

Shouldn't it supposed to be "she" heard? It's been a while since
you've used a masculine pronoun, so I'm wondering why start now?

> -elf needed. Kyle pulled him forward a few inches before shoving him hard=
 into the wall with her free hand, allowing her fist wrapped around the pom=
mel to hit the risen youth behind her in the face in a full-powered backhan=
d.

See? Here, it's "her" again. What's the method to your madness, fic?

> This time, when he hit the ground, he stayed there, and by the time the l=
eader had gotten over the bruising bounce off the solid wall, he was once a=
gain alone and at the night-elf's mercy.
>
> "Cute, but not really helpful. I suppose I'll have to use this after all,=
" Kyle said, glancing down at her dagger, but not bothering to sound unhapp=
y at the thought of using it at all.

Now that's _true_ bad-assery. Kyle has learned well from Matt. :P Oh,
and look! You're using a speech indicator correctly! Hooray! ^_~

Suggest: dagger, but --> dagger but

> Kyle paused, somewhat surprised. "I want names. Locations. Something othe=
r than vague descriptions that could be used to describe any friendly store=
 owner on numerous

Revise: store owner --> storeowner (dictionary-verifiable word, no
need to separate the two words)

> planets." Kyle smirked, and patted the gang leader on the cheek with the =
flat of the dagger's blade. "Think you could hook me up with information li=
ke that?" She paused, as the young man shook, and shrugged, before rearing =
back theatrically, the pose very obviously one that implied she was about t=
o stab him.

Revise: She paused, as the young man shook, and shrugged, before
rearing back theatrically, --> She paused as the young man shook, and
shrugged before rearing back theatrically,

> Kyle paused, as if thinking it over, before shrugging, and sheathing the =
dagger back

Revise: Get rid of all the commas there, you don't need them.

Suggest: using some other word than "paused" (waited, stood
stock-still, held his ground, stood his ground, and so on)

> under her belt. "And so it is." Stepping back, she reached up, brushing s=
ome imaginary dust from the leader's shoulder, before slapping his bicep ha=
rshly and

Revise: shoulder, before --> shoulder before

> "An... excuse?" the unsettled leader asked, confused. Still smiling, Kyle=
 buried her fist in his stomach, the thin tunic offering no protection what=
soever to the sucker punch that put him on the ground, curled up with his h=
ands holding his suddenly-upset stomach.

Revise: suddenly-upset --> suddenly upset (hyphen muyo, Grammar Rule #87)

> "What was that for!?" He asked, groaning, tears streaming from his eyes.

Revise: He asked --> he asked

> kill the fish used to stock the man-made canals in a matter of days. Litt=
er, chemical runoff, and god-knows what-else would make the water a stinkin=
g, polluted health hazard within a year, if not weeks.

Revise: god-knows what-else --> god knows what else

> Kyle wasn't sure if Azeroth's human population was cleaner, or if they we=
re maybe using magic in a subtle way to ensure things stayed clean,

I bet they used the "relief crystal" magic that the Moon Kingdom uses.
Of course, if magic were to follow the laws of physics somewhat (or at
least the laws of alchemy), then there might possibly be a toilet
planet where the moon people teleport all their waste products to...

...Okay, I've officially over-thought that particular plot point. -_-

> but she secretly enjoyed the change of pace. Or maybe Jaessica, who'd gro=
wn up in the forests of Ashenvale, was imposing her druid-o-centric society=
's views upon him while he wore her body...

Heh. He "wore" her body. It makes Kyle sound almost Ed Gein-ish, come
to think of it.

> frowning at the way that train of thoughts had derailed, Kyle turned away=
 from the

Suggest: capitalizing "frowning" since it's a separate train of
thought from the previous one.

> fish, and hurried on towards Cathedral Square, where the grand Cathedral =
of Light

Revise: fish, and --> fish and

> Cathedral Square was bright, the small fountain in the center burbling so=
ftly as water cascaded down its tiers, and paladins, priests, and citizens =
all wandered around on their errands for the day.

Revise: Use semicolons to separate some of the prepositional phrases
there (though, to be honest, I'd rather see you use less of the
prepositional phrases)

That is: Cathedral Square was bright; the small fountain in the center
burbling softly as water cascaded down its tiers; and paladins,
priests, and citizens all wandered around on their errands for the
day.

Use semicolons...

Between items in a series or listing containing internal punctuation,
especially parenthetic commas, where the semicolons function as serial
commas:

"She saw three men: Jamie, who came from New Zealand; John, the
milkman's son; and George, a gaunt kind of man."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Semicolon

> "-and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is this song =
that never ends-"
>
> Kyle watched the half-High-elf-half-Human sing badly off-key, with a mug =
of something

Revise: half-High-elf-half-Human --> half-high-elf and half-human (get
rid of unwieldy capitalization, separate the two terms so they won't
look like they're modifying "sing")

Also: off-key, with --> off-key with (comma muyo)

> "Okay! Stop! I've had enough! I'll talk! Anything to get you to stop sing=
ing that damnable song! And I use the term 'singing' losely..."

Revise: losely --> loosely (spelling error)

Heh. If anything, I give Matt credit for his creativity.

> Old Henry, after being properly motivated, had divulged a lot more than t=
hey had expected. None of it truly important save the location of their bas=
e of operations: The

Revise: None of it truly important save --> None of it was truly
important save for (missing words "was" and "for")

> A quick, nauseating trip via gryphon to Morgan's Vigil, and here they wer=
e, staring at the sharply-rising peak, surrounded by lakes of lava.

Revise: sharply-rising --> sharply rising (no need for the hyphen)

Also: peak, --> peak (no need for the comma)

> "You know, we should be somewhat grateful, I suppose," Kyle added, after =
a moment's silence.

Revise: added, after --> added after

> Despite the lack of random monsters in the area, aside from those spotted=
 at a distance,

Revise: area, aside --> area aside

Or: area, aside from those spotted at a distance, --> area... aside
from those spotted at a distance... / area -- aside from those spotted
at a distance --

> the only indication this area had been teeming with vicious ogres, orcs a=
nd dark iron

Revise: orcs and --> orcs, and

> dwarves were the odd, charred skeletons that dotted the landscape. Most h=
and been

Revise: Most hand been --> Most had been (spelling error or typo)

> A crunch on gravel and ash was the only warning Kyle had, starting to mov=
e to the

Revise: Kyle had, starting --> Kyle has as he started (awkward phrasing)