No subject

I always took that as a potshot at Koizumi/Kyon shippers.  Still my
favorite bit of Haruhi-chan (second to almost anything featuring
Achakura, of course).

> Revise: over-sized --> oversized (dictionary-verifiable word, no need
> for the hyphen)

You got it.

> EDIT: This is, of course, just nitpicking in regards to the way Ryoko
> is acting, especially if it's integral to the plot for her to somehow
> get involved in the mix. However, logically speaking, you have to
> admit that her actions haven't been the brightest acts ever, but then
> again, it has precedent.

Ryouko's characterization is probably one of the potentially weakest
points in the fic; I think she explains it reasonably well next
chapter, though.

>> =A0 =A0 Itsuki snorted. =A0"Having my lookalike leave the country would
>
> Revise: lookalike --> look-alike

Right ... again. >_<

> Knowing what they don't know about Haruhi and Ryoko, why shouldn't
> they think that way? She's a bit unhinged as is.

Itsuki: Let me finish my coffee!

> EDIT: In fairness, Asakura being an outsider to the group isn't solid,
> factual basis for Itsuki to accuse her. Then again, if he can be
> suspicious of Asahina, then he should also be suspicious of the
> Asakura, or at think of her as in league with Nagato.

He initially assumes that they're all (the TFEIs) on the same side,
until he stops to think about it.

> And she's so dojikko and moe, she'd be one of the first ones
> steamrolled in a series like Elfen Lied. Five seconds, tops.
>
> Mikuru: OAO Piiiii! Piiiii! Piiiii! Piiiii! Piiiii! Piiiii!
>
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Dh0kv2ZLAgI0

I wonder how well Mikuru would do in Mirai Nikki....  Now _that_ would be s=
cary.

> ...Well, okay, that's from Haruhi-chan, but what in Mikuru's canon
> actions suggests to the organization that she's even capable of
> killing Kyon?

Hmm.  Absolutely nothing.  But Mori's kind of saying that they can't
assume the Organization thinks the same way they do.

>> the idea of Kyon being seduced bothered him? =A0Maybe it was that he
>> didn't see Kyon actually falling for it?
>
> Fangirls: (squeeeing at the subtext)
>
> Me: (didn't need those eardrums anyway)

Yeah, I'll admit it; there's some Koizumi fanservice for the crowd
that I always narrate Kyon as =3D_=3Ding about.

There's a bit in Charmed at First Sight LOVER where a middle-school
acquaintance of Kyon calls him up and confesses his undying love, thus
Kyon goes on a page-and-a-half rant about how heterosexual he is,
until the acquaintance clarifies that he's trying to confess to Nagato
(but needs to know her name from Kyon.  And by the way, could Kyon
read her the letter, too?).

>> =A0 =A0 "Well, at any rate, even though you believe Asahina-san wouldn't
>> do such a thing, others in the Organization might think differently.
>> So we have to bank on Asahina-san being in _someone's_ custody, even
>> if we don't know who."
>
> Not really criticism: The narrative and your characters love saying
> "at any rate". Just wanted to take note.

I appreciate that.  But this is probably a symptom of me using the
phrase too much in casual conversation. >_<

Though, this is the only instance in this chapter.  Hmm, two instances
in chapter one, one here, and one in chapter five ... and another in
chapter six.  Doesn't actually seem too bad ... but the entire phrase
is not needed in any instance, so I deleted all but one in the first
chapter.  Unless I mixed an extra one ... ah, there we go, author's
notes in the epilogue ... but that can stay.

>> =A0 =A0 He drained his coffee, contemplating. =A0"Maybe we're giving the=
m
>> too much credit," he assessed, setting the empty mug down. =A0"This
>> could be a long shot, but how confident are we that the integrated
>> data sentience entity is united? =A0Our own Organization just split ...
>> could they also have faults?"
>
> Good point, Itsuki.

Itsuki: I told you, I just needed to finish my coffee.

> It must be disappointing to Ryoko that nothing stellar or apocalyptic
> has happened yet, but then again, when it comes to a reality warper,
> she could get creative and do some weird stuff to time, space, matter,
> and physics that they're not even aware of. They could all be in an
> intensely complex purgatory already, and they wouldn't know.

Haruhi: Oh, trust me.  She'll know soon enough. OnO

> Revise: time-frame --> timeframe (dictionary-verifiable word)

Fixed.

>> =A0 =A0 "Take care of yourself," Mori insisted, before he shifted into
>> that colorless world and embraced his power.
>
> Suggest: insisted, before --> insisted before

Hmm, seems stiffer, but I'll give it a shot.

> Akasaka: I can't see ahead with these lampshades on my head! You
> shouldn't stack these things on top of the other, dammit!
>
> Meh. At least you actually admit it, unlike the CSI team and their
> penchant to do everything from police work to lab work like
> multitasking modern detectives.

I've always assumed that the CSI team was actually a World of Darkness
Mage: the Ascension technocratic construct, hence why they could do
scientific magic in their sanctum and didn't really give a damn for
what they should actually be doing. :p

> Ryoko: (still smiling) Silly human. You misunderstand. Even if I act
> like this and involve myself too closely with the case despite the
> risk of getting caught, it's okay. It's worth it. I've already crossed
> the line anyway, so why should I be worried about risks? Besides, they
> have no proof.

Achakura: And what could they do to stop me?  I have the UMBRELLA!

> Ah. So Akasaka's quite observant, huh. Very good. Shades of Detective
> Conan or Kindaichi Case Files observance there.

Even knowing that this all diverges from proper mystery fare ... yeah,
I was trying to get details like that without being too obvious about
it. >_>

> Revise: name-tag --> nametag (dictionary-verifiable word, no need for
> the hyphen)

Right.  Fixed.

> Suggest: it, either way --> it either way

Ooh, yeah, that does look bad in retrospect. >_<

> Oh, creepy ass Stepford Smile, unnecessarily agitating Haruhi when you
> could have just shut up and gotten away with your little murder,
> exposing yourself with your unnatural reactions to Kyon's death as
> though your "social module" is even more "broken" than Nagato's, and
> overall lack of subtlety for a being that has so far gotten away with
> murder. Aside from that, you're perfectly fine.

Ryouko: My social module let me try and murder Kyon ... and you think
my demeanor is the issue?
Kyon: I'll tell you right now, it really isn't.

> Got to love detectives and their body language reading skills. :)

Almost as good as Nagato's!

Nagato: Junk data.

...except for that problem, anyway.

> Nice show, not tell there. The body languages of the girls are
> evocative enough to show how they're feeling without necessarily
> telling the audience what they're feeling. Kudos.

Excellent; thanks muchly.

> Revise: rear-view --> rearview

Fixed.

> Suggest: response Oishi --> response, Oishi

Eh ... don't like that many commas in that short a sentence.  Reordered:

The old man furrowed his brow, and Oishi flashed his badge in response.

> I wonder if Asakura's magic handwriting skills managed to come up with
> another permutation to stump the fuzz. Otherwise, then I believe she
> has no intention of hiding her crime at all.

I can't imagine Ryouko getting caught by anyone at all if her primary
focus was to get away with it. :p

>> =A0 =A0 "You caught that, too?"
>
> A logical conclusion. I approve. They may need to get a tank, though.
> Wouldn't it be funny if Asakura's and Nagato's handwriting matched? I
> think that'd be hilarious! Sucks for Nagato, but there's your
> conflict.

True enough.  Except that Yuki's handwriting is described as 'as
perfect as if it were printed by a computer'.  Then again, there might
be a story there, if Asakura had decided to frame Nagato....

>> =A0 =A0 "Lucky break for you," the man said in his thick accent, offerin=
g
>> something between a grin and a sneer. =A0"My handler is small and easily
>> svayed vith promises of fewer broken bones."
>
> Rusky: In Soviet Russia, promises break you.

Hah!  But, seriously, I axed all the accents (except for telling the
audience that they exist) in a bit of tell, don't show.

Russian: *with terrible accent* Isn't that breaking a rule of writing?
Me: It was an experiment, and a bit overdone.
Russian: A bit?  Understatement of the year....

>> =A0 =A0 Itsuki blinked, eyes widening slightly. =A0"You beat answers out=
 of
>> him?" he asked, surprised at the idea.
>
> Itsuki: Tall, muscular man epitomizing every Russian stereotype
> imaginable threatening a man with violence? The mind boggles!

Me: You have a poor imagination, Itsuki; I could think of a LOT more
sterotypes than that.  *is clubbed in the head with a bottle of vodka*

> There goes Moe-blob. (Thinks) You know what, I'm kind of worried of
> what has happened to her, knowing that this is a darkfic, and knowing
> that you're the author.
>
> I kid, I kid... Sort of. O_O
>
> Ukyo (Descent): O_O
>
> Ranma (Descent): O_O

Mikuru: But ... they got happy endings, even with a dark label, right?
Me: That just means the author's a sucker for those....
Mikuru: ^-^
Me: ...for characters he likes.
Mikuru: OAO  Piiiiiiii~!

Aside: I've never understood the 'blob' part of the moe comment.
General disdain for the archetype...?

> Itsuki: (doing a reassuring gesture) You're important to this story,
> even if the reader doesn't know your name.
>
> Rusky: Did I tell you about wife and kids? Look at pictures here...

<_<;;;

>> average schoolgirl -- too average, really, except for her almost
>> sculpted good looks --
>
> Nami Hito: (pouts)

Very normal reaction.
Nami Hito: Futsuu tte iu na!

> Gainax should take notes from Asakura or Square Pictures when it comes
> to producing a _true_ Uncanny Valley effect. They've failed
> oh-so-spectacularly with Rei Ayanami, as many a Eva fanboy knows.

In defense of Gainax (I feel an urgent need to shower...), I never
actually liked Rei.

Or anyone else in the cast of that show, but that probably wasn't
their goal so much.

> Revise: unless wanted --> unless he wanted (missing word, "he")
>
> Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Right, thank very much.

> Ah. So that's why she's as smug and unaffected as a Woli beating up
> Ippo using a combination of Mayweather defense and monkey-fu; she has
> knowledge of the law.

That and they can't stop her.

>> =A0 =A0 The girl stared, her smile vanishing as her lips pressed into a
>> straight, flat line. =A0She blinked, considering something, then her
>
> I hate it when Stepford Smilers do that blank, neutral stare thing.
> Freaked me out when I watched such an expression from some characters
> in Monster, and it still creeps me out by just reading about it.

Excellent.  >:3

>> =A0 =A0 "You're not leaving this building," Aida began, before she
>> abruptly circled around the table and closed to him, her hand driving
>
> 'Closed' to him?
>
> Suggest: Closed in on him (?)
>
> Not sure what you were trying to say there.

closed the distance to him?

>> =A0 =A0 "Help!" Akasaka screamed, wrenching the stun-gun from its holste=
r
>> and turning, far too late. =A0The detectives in the room beyond all
>
> Suggest: turning, far --> turning far

I like this one for stylism.  Will adding a 'but' after the comma help, may=
be?

> Revise: he had hands free --> he had his hands free

Gotcha.

> A jack-in-the-box Achakura? I wanted one for Christmas.

Don't we all...?

Kyon: Not all of us. -_-

>> =A0 =A0 Emiri looked at Nagato, who blinked again, then rose to her feet=
.
>> =A0"Follow," she said. =A0Oishi did, uncomfortable turning his back on t=
he
>> girl at the table. =A0Nagato Yuki walked a short distance down the hall
>
> Suggest: uncomfortable turning --> uncomfortable with the idea of

Mmm, yeah, that's a bit stilted as it was originally.

>> =A0 =A0 He pursed his lips together. =A0"Specifically," he clarified,
>> producing his notepad, "what happened with Suzumiya Haruhi in class
>> 1-5. =A0And please, be verbose."
>
> Nagato: (hands Oishi a dictionary and a technical manual)
>
> Oishi: What's this for?
>
> Nagato: You're going to need it.

Believe me, as a fanboy I could have made this way more painful than
it was.  For now, just imagine it being said very quickly. :3

> Or if you want to weaboo it further, it's the twenty-first year of the
> Heisei Period.
>
> Nagato: There is no need. Information irrelevant.

What she said. @_@

>> =A0 =A0 The detective's gaze turned to the notepad, where he'd written
>> only the day's date. =A0"Is that ... so?" he finally managed.
>
> LOL.
>
> Mikuru: (as Kate from Sketchbook ~Full Color's~) Sou nan des kaar?
>
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3D8gzqGuJY3qc

...um, my google is weak.  I don't get it. >_>;

I am impressed with that voice-acting, though.

> The jig is up. (Sighs) The murder mystery format was nice while it
> lasted. Maybe someday, a genuine murder mystery fic will pop out in
> the FFML. Someday. In any case, it's now time for some waif-fu care of
> some powerful aliens that look like schoolgirls in order to protect
> the god of this world, who is also a schoolgirl...

Sorry, I tried. :p

I think if I actually write a murder mystery (that's one of those
until the very end), it'd probably end up being set in another series.
 Hard to see it in Haruhi's universe.

> Granted, that's a presumptuous oversimplification (that will get me
> flamed by die-hard Haruhism fanatics) and the novels are undoubtedly
> well-written and well-researched, but there are times when the
> concepts of Haruhi appear to be Fanfic Chop Suey. Then again, that may
> just be me, that may be the entire point of the novels, and it's not
> necessarily a bad thing.

Well, the anime nods to other anime intentionally (moreso than the
novels).  But just because tropes and archetypes occur in fanfiction
hardly makes that the origin point for them. :p

>> =A0 =A0 "I'm really very disappointed," Asakura said, adding another tin=
y
>
> As opposed to truly madly deeply disappointed?

Ryouko: I have to tell people how I feel.  Too many botox injections.

>> mean? =A0Was it just a product of his fear? =A0Was it genuine, or just
>> words? =A0I really don't understand!"
>
> I like this scene. In retrospect, Asakura's twisted social module may
> have explained her behavior above. If anything, she wants something to
> happen, even at the point of getting caught and having Haruhi do what
> she does best (molest Mikuru?).

Haruhi: Well, Asakura, you have some moe qualities yourself, so....
Asakura: *stabstabstab*  ...oops.

> If Haruhi isn't really god, then this may be the first time in anime
> that a red herring became a title character. (Thinks) Or is Akira from
> Akira a red herring? (Shrugs) I dunno.

Well, it's not canon that Haruhi's god, in any case.  Koizumi mentions
that it's a belief SOME espers/Organization folks (himself not
included) think.  The fans just kind of took it and ran.

> Reminds me of the gag on Slam Dunk, where Mitsui placed the picture of
> Anzai-sensei on the coach bench as if he'd already died, but was
> actually just recovering in the hospital after suffering from a heart
> attack or something. It's a bit dark, but I LOLed.

*twitch*

...sports anime.... >_<

Okay, alright.  I'm watching Yakitake Japan -- I have no room to
complain.  That is funny. >_>

...I'm still clinging to my bias against band anime.  (FLCL and Black
Heaven are NOT band anime!  I swear! <_<;;;)

> Chapter 3 is better than Chapter 2 and about as good as Chapter 1
> proofing-wise; less typos, two grammar rules broken, and more
> nitpicking on my part. I also applaud the lack of comma mistakes; very
> good. ;)

Good to hear!  Glad I'm improving on that front.

> EDIT: LOL, they didn't die, and you went with the obvious route in
> dealing with Asakura. Not necessarily a bad thing, since I liked the
> way you characterized Ryoko's motivations and Nagato's outburst. But
> that's for another C&C. Ciao.

'They' didn't die?  But yeah, I hate to admit it, but if you've read
enough of my work, you'll know I pull my punches with regards to
characters more often than not.  I'm just not mean enough, ultimately.
 >_<

> Keep on writing,
> Abdiel

As always, thank you very much for taking the time to C&C; it is
vastly appreciated. :D

> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
> "When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering to
> tell you anymore, that's a very bad place to be. Your critics are the
> ones telling you they still love you and care."
--=20
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.florestica.com/brandall/
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.