[FFML] [SI] Chance of a Millennium 7-9 A

[Chester Castañeda]

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Hmmm. Looks like it's going to be the big one.

On Tue, Feb 2, 2010 at 3:43 AM, Tannim Murphy <tannim_murphy at yahoo.com> wrote:
> Again, sorry for the spam.

It's really no big deal.

> ---
>
> Chapter 7
>
> Xxxxx
>
> "I still can't believe you guys did that to me!" Kyle groused, trying to both hide her face and glare at her companions as they walked along the paths of Darnassus.

It was awesome, though. ^_^ You were most likeable and
non-eye-roll-inducing when shit-faced drunk, even.

> Matt nodded along with whatever Kyle was saying. She had been complaining for the past fifteen minutes. While it was starting to wear a bit on him, Serenity was still snickering every once and a while at Kyle's complaints.

I see that he's sober again; his redundancy is back.

> Neither one had apologized for their part in last night's fiasco, but Matt dearly

And they shouldn't up until Kyle's Jaessica persona got a bit too
drunk and did a little hanky-panky; that's the time they should be
ashamed of themselves.

> wished he'd been able to snag Kyle's cell phone and record to the whole thing. It would've been great blackmail material for years.

Revise: to the whole thing --> the whole thing (no need for the "to")

Also: There's no way anyone will believe that the smexy night elf is
Kyle, so that's not really blackmail fodder.

> Kyle, for her part, had had a fairly horrible morning. Waking up with a pounding headache, she'd quickly discovered that Jae's body was apparently one of those that experienced the hangovers most people only pretended to have. Back when she had been a he, and human, the worst he'd ever suffered was a dry mouth and some h. This, though...

Some "h"? "Haitch"? "Ecchi"?

Horatio "Haitch" Kane: (takes glasses off) At least he didn't mean...
(puts glasses on) Preparation H.

~YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!~

Kyle: _H_eadache. HEADACHE.

> Serenity tried to keep a straight face, she really did. But the memory of Kyle

Suggest: face, she --> face; she / face... She

> singing drunkenly to a crowded tavern simply brought her too much joy to contain. It was quite possibly the most fun she'd had in centuries, and she really couldn't help the occasional fit of laughter that seeped through her regal facade.

O_o She's centuries old? So immortals, contrary to popular belief, can
sire / get sired with children? Huh. Because categorizing Princess
Serenity as a menopause baby just sounds like something straight from
4chan.

> "Alas, it appears I cannot quite contain myself." Serenity did not sound apologetic in the least.

Heh. Menopausal or not, immortal or not, Serenity remains as awesome
as she ever was a few chapters ago.

> With an overly-dramatic sigh, Kyle threw her hands up. "Forget it, you guys are...

Revise: overly-dramatic --> overly dramatic

Grammar Rule #87: Carefully-written works do not sport
erroneously-hyphenated compound descriptors.

> ugh. I hate you!" Despite her words, she continued to travel with them towards the odd gazebo that lead to the docks.

Kyle: Screw you guys, I'mma going home!

Matt: (blinks) I thought that was Cartman's line, not Kyle's.

Kyle: (groans) -_-

Also: gazebo that lead --> gazebo that led (tense error)

Grammar Rule #55: When you write sentences, shifting verb tense is bad.

> "Remind me, friend, where we're headed?" Serenity asked, once she'd gotten her laughter under control, and felt Kyle'd had enough time to cool off.

Suggest: Can you remind me, friend, where we're headed?

Also: Kyle'd --> Kyle had (IMO an excessive contraction)

Grammar Rule #11: Contractions aren't always necessary and shouldn't
be used to excess so don't.

Revise: asked, once --> asked once

Also: control, and --> control and

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
Parenthetical words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

> With a weary sigh, Kyle explained. "Up ahead is a portal... thing, that leads down to

Suggest: explained. --> explained, (you might as well make it into a
speech indicator)

Revise: thing, that --> thing that ("that" should not be put into
parenthetical asides)

Grammar Rule #79: "That" is the defining/restrictive pronoun. "Which"
is the non-defining/nonrestrictive pronoun. The careful writer,
watchful for small conveniences, goes which-hunting, removing the
defining whiches, and by so doing improves his work.
> wanted to try riding a griffon. Despite Tannim's memories of riding such beasts, Matt wanted the first-hand experience. It seemed very, very fun.

Revise: the first-hand --> firsthand (you don't need the "the" article
or the hyphen)

Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be
hyphenated, even though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't
leave those words hanging in mid-air!).

> "Not to burst your bubble, kid, but we're probably never coming back this way again," Kyle thoughtfully added, and secretly enjoying the look of crestfallen dismay on the Human-turned-High-Elf's face.

Suggest: and secretly --> secretly (no need for the conjunction)

Also: Human-turned-High-Elf's --> human-turned-high-elf's (capitalization muyo)

Grammar Rule #86: Don't capitalize Common Nouns or you'll look like a
Moron and a Fool.

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/capitals.htm

http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/capital.asp

> "And... what is this Auberdine place?" Serenity asked, a moment later.

Revise: asked, a --> asked a

Also: I notice that you start your conversation a lot with
conjunctions. In general, this is a no-no, but it's allowable as long
as it's limited to character dialogue (because character dialogues
don't necessarily need to be grammatically perfect--just grammatically
sound). With that said, I think you broke this rule using the
narrative itself, so as a warning, let me remind you that...

Grammar Rule #3: And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

> As they approached the low gazebo glowing with an unnatural pinkish light, Kyle shrugged, before turning to walk backwards. "Auberdine did have a boat going to

Revise: shrugged, before --> shrugged before

> Menethil Harbor, as well as a boat to-" With a flash, Kyle disappeared as she entered the pinkish light, her explanation being cut off mid-sentence.

Hallelujah! A sentence that doesn't use excessive prepositional
phrases or commas before "as"! Kudos, fic! I knew you could do it! ^_~

> "-The Exodar," Kyle finished, somewhat dismayed that Serenity seemed utterly unimpressed with the magic that had teleported them from the city in the trees down to sea level.

Well, she has had access to more powerful magic, of course.

Sailor Moon: Sailor Teleport!

> Leading them down the hill they'd appeared on, and towards a dock that jutted out

Suggest: on, and --> on and

> "From here?" Serenity asked, with a note of disdain in her voice. The dock ahead had

Revise: asked, with --> asked with (comma muyo)

> "No, from here, we'll just find someone to ferry us across to Auberdine... you can just make it out through the mist," he said, pointing across the water, towards a cloud of mist, and the mountains peeking up further behind it.

Suggest: Revision of the above sentence so that it doesn't use so many
prepositional phrases in one go.

Grammar Rule #43: In good writing, for good reasons, under normal
circumstances, whenever you can, use prepositional phrases in limited
numbers and with great caution.
> "Blaine!" Kyle called in Darnassian, before freezing.

Revise: Darnassian, before --> Darnassian before

> "... Can I help you?" The male night elf asked curiously as he looked over the night elf, human, and... high elf? approaching his fishing boat. He may be old, but he didn't

Revise: high elf? approaching (capitalization error, and it cannot be
corrected by simply capitalizing "approaching" because that would
create a sentence fragment)

Suggest: and... high elf? approaching --> and -- high elf? --
approaching / and... high elf that approached

> "That's alright, friend. You're not the first to address me with such familiarity. I assume, then, you seek passage to Auberdine?" The fisher asked.

Revise: Auberdine?" The --> Auberdine?" the

Grammar Rule #83: When there's a speech indicator (said, asked,
replied, pondered, elaborated) indicating that the dialogue (anything
the character says inside the quotation marks) is being said by the
'speaker' (hence 'speech indicator'), and you're ending the speaker's
dialogue with a period instead of an exclamation point or a question
mark, please replace the period with a comma. If there's no speech
indicator in the following statement after the dialogue, then the
following sentence is a separate sentence that has nothing to do with
the dialogue.

That is, "I'll say something," Queen Serenity said. "Now see me say
lots of things, but this time my name 'Kasumi' will be in pronoun form
to show that my dialogue and 'she added' are not two separate
sentences but one continuous sentence," she added. "Oops, I think I
made a run-on sentence!" She giggled.

> Kyle nodded. "Yes, please. My friends and I are on our way to Stormwind." Despite having no trouble talking in a language utterly unfamiliar to Kyle a few days earlier, this body had no trouble with it, and managed to switch to English without pause when speaking the name of the human city.

...As opposed to?

If Kyle has no trouble with the language, and his body doesn't have
trouble with either, what's the point of mentioning this in the first
place? ?_?

In other words: Your sentence structure there is very awkward. What a
car-wreck of a sentence! It's arguably a thirty-car pileup there with
the redundant statement and the like. It's easily the worst sentence
of the entire fic so far. I suggest major revision so that you can
clearly convey your thoughts. As it is, I have little to no idea what
the narrative is talking about.

> "We're willing to pay, if it'll help," Serenity offered, in Darnassian as well.

Huh. Funny how the Universal Translator thing is only explained just now.

> Both Kyle and Blaine stared at Serenity in surprise, and even Matt couldn't help but ask: "When'd you learn that?"
>
> "Learn what?" Serenity asked, sounding confused.
>
> "Darnassian... and English, now that I think about it," Kyle asked.

Queen Serenity: Did you know that Sailor Moon has been dubbed in over
nine thousand languages?

Matt: What? NINE THOUSAND? There's no way that can be right! CAN IIIIT?

Kyle: Meh. Old meme is primordial. -_-

> "Oh! Languages? I'd be a pretty lousy leader of a Solar System if I couldn't understand different languages, wouldn't you think? The Serenity line has always had an innate ability to understand and speak any language observed," the Queen explained, as if discussing the weather.

Huh. Well... They're like Superman and his super-learning ability of
languages, then.

(mumbles) And here I thought the self-inserts would be running amok
with powers as the plot demands...

Queen Serenity: (shrugs then tilts her head cutely)

> "Anata wa wakarimasu desu ka?" Matt asked in one part of his admittedly small Japanese vocabulary.

O_O Wakarimasen.

> "Yes, I understand. Why do you ask?"
>
> Matt switched to Thalassian, language of the high elves. "Doral ana'diel?"
>
> "Well, thank you. And you?" Serenity asked in the same.
>
> "Ow-hey bout-ay ow-nay?" Kyle shot.

(Akuma's Ultra II) ROFLcopter. Again, Serenity is the best part of
this series. This is the first time I've ever seen her portrayed as
outside her castle, even. She's a very cool mother...

Sailor Moon: Watch your mouth!

I'm only talking about your momma.

> "Ine-fay. is-thay one-ay," she paused, looking down with a frown for a second, "is-

Revise: is-thay --> Is-thay

Capitalization, dude.

Grammar Rule #76: Proper capitalization is the difference between "I
helped my Uncle Jack off a horse," and "I helped my uncle jack off a
horse."

> thay one is un-fay?" She shrugged. "I can't actually fully grasp it. What's the purpose of a language modifier like that?"

Heh. At least they haven't taught her how "un-fay" spoonerisms are. ^_^

> Kyle shrugged. "Pig Latin. Call it a roughly humorous bastardization of English to be... err... latin-ified." With a grin, she pointed at a wandering night elf Sentinel.

Revise: latin-ified --> Latin-ified (you might as well capitalize
"Latin" even though there's no such word as latin-ified)

Capitalize...

   4. Proper nouns
          * Races, nationalities, languages: Swedes, Swedish, African
American, Jewish, French, Native American. (Most writers do not
capitalize whites, blacks.)

Also: Sentinel --> sentinel (another capitalization booboo)

> "Bogey on your six, please eyeball to de-louse."

Cockney rhyming slang?

> Serenity blinked, before turning around and looking at the night elf indicated.

Revise: blinked, before --> blinked before

> "Bogey verified. It's a Chick." Again she paused, before frowning. "That one was

Suggest: Again she paused, before --> Again, she paused before

> confusing... And vaguely militant. I can see the Martian Legions falling in love with it."
>
> "Huh. I honestly didn't think Brevity Code would count, since it's just a bunch of... code," Kyle admitted.
>
> "Um... excuse me," Blaine said, wondering what had just happened.

Heh.

> "Oh, Blaine! Sorry!" Kyle said, before holding out her hand, "I'm... err... Jaessica,

Revise: said, before --> said before

> and my friends are Serenity and... Tannim?" Smiling away, as best she could the

Revise: away, as --> away as

> "I killed my share of the Scourge and Burning Legion in the Battle at Hyjal, but after that..." he trailed off, and turned to look at the misty sea. "I'm tired of the death.

Suggest: of the death --> of the dead / of death / of killing

> I do what I can for my people, Paladin. It may not be as glorious as the fight

Just wanted to take note: _This_ is proper capitalization. "Paladin"
in that dialogue was used as a proper noun instead of a common noun,
so it's okay to capitalize it. Aside from when used as proper nouns,
common nouns should not be capitalized. Okay? Good.

> Serenity spoke up, before Matt could respond. "I, for one, appreciate your

Revise: up, before --> up before

> contributions. Even if the humans of this world never directly benefit from your contributions, the help of the night elves in the ongoing war is not to be dismissed or ignored."
Suggest: getting rid of the second "contributions" and substituting it
with something else, like "assistance" or "sacrifice" (it's a pet
peeve of mine).

Grammar Rule #9: Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies
endlessly over and over again

> "Indeed it does, friend. Indeed it does," Blaine responded, smiling in return. Strange though these three were, they at least seemed to have a bit of common sense. He hoped they'd survive long enough to get the chance to make the decision he had, even if they chose to continue the fight, in the end.

Suggest: he had, even if they chose to continue the fight, in the end.
--> he had even if they chose to continue the fight in the end.

> Shaking his head at the thought of all the young wanna-be adventurers that had passed

Revise: wanna-be --> wannabe (dictionary-verifiable word, no need for
the hyphen)

> "I'd even offer my assistance with it, if you'd have it," Matt offered with a tilt of his head. "It'd be more than fair for the ride."
>
> Blaine nodded. "The help would be appreciated friend." Glancing once more at the

Revise: appreciated friend --> appreciated, friend

> Kyle blinked, and was about to point out that the other shore was visible from where the stood, but a stray memory of Jaessica's stopped her. Apparently, Blaine's traps

Revise: blinked, and was about --> blinked and was about

Also: Hooray! You put a comma before an adverbial element! Kudos! ^_^

> "Score!" Kyle mumbled, as she crossed the dock and jumped down into the boat. It

Revise: mumbled, as --> mumbled as

> wasn't a galleon, but at 30-some odd feet, and a pair of square sails, it was impressive that Blaine handled it by himself most of the time.

Revise: 30-some --> thirty-some

Grammar Rule #Fifty-Six: Usually, it's better to spell numbers out,
but sometimes that isn't the case. In general, I've seen professional
authors opt for spelling numbers out instead of writing their
numerical forms. The obvious exceptions to the rule (usually) are
actual dates (October 28, 2005), exact numbers which are large in
amount (1,234,567,890) or writing the numerical year instead of the
spelled-out version (1983, as opposed to nineteen eighty-three...
though the latter is also good, IMO). In any case, a good rule of
thumb is this: if a number won't look awkward or needlessly long when
written as words, then go use its worded version... otherwise, go with
its numerical form.
Also: You're abusing prepositional phrases again.

> "Come, Tannim. We've got lines to cast, and traps to check." Blaine called, as he followed Kyle onto the ship.

Revise: cast, and --> cast and (comma muyo)

Also: check." Blaine --> check," Blaine (speech indicator)

Furthermore: called, as --> called as (comma not needed)

> "Aye aye, captain!" Matt said cheerfully.

Revise: Aye aye, captain! --> Aye, aye, captain!

> "Of course not, Lad, but that's not the point! Women like them have their duties, and Men like us have ours."

Revise: not, Lad, --> not, lad,

Matt: (grumbles) I, for one, support equal opportunity.

> Kyle held back a snort. "'Women' indeed." With a shrug, she grinned and leaned back. "Social Sexual-dimorphism. It's not quite sexist here on Azeroth, but chivalry exists... go figure."

Suggest: exists... go figure." --> exists. Go figure."

> "I see... so what is our job, exactly?" The Queen finally asked.

Revise: The Queen --> the Queen / the queen

> "As far as I can tell, avoid sweating, smile at the big strong men, and maybe work on our tans." Kyle said, before scowling at her blueish skin. "Can I tan?" Thinking about

Revise: tans." Kyle --> tans," Kyle (speech indicator error)

Also: said, before --> said before (comma muyo)

Furthermore: blueish --> bluish (spelling mistake; blueish isn't
dictionary-verifiable, while bluish is)

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.

Finally: Maybe a tanned Smurf is orange in color?

> it a moment, she scowled. "Apparently, I burn. Easily."

Like a blueberry out in the sun?

> "And you would prefer what? To turn cyan?" Serenity deadpanned.

Maybe if she's tan enough, her skin will have an eggplant-like sheen to it.

Kyle: (mishears Serenity) Yes, I would love to turn Saiyan.

> "... I guess not." Kyle looked around then sighed. "This is somewhat boring, though."

I agree. Do something, fic!

> "I'm sorry my company isn't mentally stimulating enough for you," Serenity replied. "You're not exactly girlfriend material yourself, you know."

I <3 Sarcastic Serenity.

> Kyle winced, before scowling. "Why does Jae take that... oh. Huh. One sec, let me

Revise: winced, before --> winced before

> While a bit of a tomboy, Kyle couldn't help but blanche at the more feminine memories, before wincing again upon realizing the kind of things Serenity might have

Revise: blanche --> blanch

Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional
puns/homonym-type spilling mistakes because their usually hard to
fined using a spellchecker.

Also: memories, before --> memories before

> wanted to talk about. "Wow... umm... tell you what. Since we're here for Blaine-knows how long, why don't you ask some questions about night elves. Who knows... I might learn something, too."

Revise: Blaine-knows --> Blaine knows

Also: night elves. --> night elves?

Finally: Who knows... --> Who knows?

Grammar Rule #80: Do sentences need to be punctuated properly. Yes,
they do? Seriously!

> Serenity looked thoughtful for a moment, before nodding. "Alright."

Revise: moment, before --> moment before

> "Yes yes, but can you open all the clams you got while mounted?" Kyle replied, with a smirk. Serenity ignored the inane banter to observe the coastal city of Auberdine.

Revise: Yes yes, --> Yes, yes, (missing comma)

Also: replied, with --> replied with (oh, there it is!)

> Matt paused to think. "We should probably can the game chatter. It wouldn't do good to spook the locals."

Matt: I already spook enough locals with my game chatter back home.

> He kept the fact that he himself had no idea what Kyle was talking about carefully hidden and as the boat neared the dock, and he leapt out to help tie it to its mooring.

Heh. LOL. I have no idea what's the deal about the clams too.

> "Alright, the next item on the agenda... an attack on our Ironforge outlet."
>
> "Survivors?"
>
> "Three. Apparently, our wizard got confused and killed our men, letting the attackers go."

Oh yeah. The random encounter. The really moronic random encounter,
seeing that he let out some friendly fire with his own comrades.

> "Well, keep an eye out for the other two, and the usual for the third."
>
> "..."

Suggest: "..." --> "...."

> "I see... very well then. I trust you to see to the details. Make it so."

Suggest: see... very well --> see. Very well,

> "Very good sir. Next, we have a surprise turnout of..."

Revise: Very good sir --> Very good, sir. (because very good wasn't
referring to the "sir", it was referring to his approval of the
person's command)

> Unlike the marble structures that made up the bulk of Darnassus' buildings, Auberdine was a quainter-looking town, the buildings made of thick curved timbers supporting violet tiled roofs. Most of the buildings were open as well, where one would expect a wall with a door, there were gaping entrances that gave Kyle both a sense of nostalgia, as well as unease.

Revise: violet tiled --> violet-tiled (compound descriptors should be
hyphenated)

Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non
compound descriptors should be separated.

Also: nostalgia, as --> nostalgia as (comma not needed)

Suggest: well, where --> well; where / well. Where (the next few
phrases don't flow well with the rest of the sentence; you may have
created a shifting or mixed sentence)

Mixed sentences begin with one topic or grammatical pattern, then
shift to another. (Usually this happens when a writer gets a new idea
in the middle of writing a sentence.) Sentences with confusing shifts
mislead readers by undermining patterns they rely on as they read.

          * The new procedures for testing cosmetics, we designed them
to avoid cruelty to laboratory animals. (The writer seems to start
this sentence over again with the word "we.")

          * In 1872, Claude Monet exhibited the painting Impression,
Sunrise was the source of the term Impressionism. (The writer uses the
same term [Impression, Sunrise] as the end of one sentence, but then
launches right into another sentence by re-using the same term. This
is confusing for readers, who might not be able to follow the shift.)

Grammar Rule #89: Don't write shifting or mixed sentences are very
confusing to read.

> "For a race so ready to call itself 'prepared' for the second coming of the Demons, Simple concepts like 'security' and 'privacy' seem to have been totally overlooked.

On the other hand, simple concepts like "capitalization" elude you, dear sir.

Revise: second coming of the Demons --> Second Coming of the Demons /
second coming of the demons

Also: Simple concepts --> simple concepts

> Kyle smirked. "Honestly, she feels about the same way.... huh. Apparently she had a

Suggest: huh. --> Huh.

Revise: Apparently she --> Apparently, she

Use commas...

5. After certain introductory elements,
(e) After an introductory adverbial element.

> nice little house. Actually, it was like a studio apartment, with... ..." she trailed off, eyes wide.

O_O The way she's trailing off is making my eyes wide as well.

Revise: ... ..." --> ..." (get rid of the extra ellipsis)

This is the first time I've ever come across such a grammatical error.

>
> "What? With what?" Matt asked.
>
> "Umm..." Despite the blueish skin, Kyle managed an impressive blush. "Apparently there's a community bath."

Revise: blueish --> bluish (spelling error)

Also: Apparently there's --> Apparently, there's (comma needed; also,
you're overusing the word "Apparently")

> "Yeah," Kyle nodded. What wasn't mentioned were the thoughts such memories lead to, and the associated memories there. Who knew?

Jae was interested in wheelbarrows?

> "Remind me again why we couldn't just get a portal to Stormwind?" Matt asked plaintively. He'd already had a long day working on a boat, the less time spent on another, the better.

Revise: boat, the --> boat, so the / boat; the

> "This should also, I believe, allow you more time to be acclimated with your abilities and memories," Serenity pointed out. "I'd much have two capable fighters at

Suggest: much have --> much rather have

> my side than two people, and four conflicted personalities."

Revise: people, and four --> people and four (there's an awkward pause
in your sentence because of the unnecessary comma)

> "The lady doth have a point," Matt pointed out.
>
> Matt shrugged, "I guess so."

O_O

How about: Matt pointed --> Tannim pointed

> Kyle rolled his eyes. "Lets... just get a room." pausing to think about that for a moment, she hastily amended. "Let's get two rooms."

Heh.

Revise: room." pausing --> room," pausing / room." Pausing

> Fortunately, the Inn was fairly empty, and a pair of rooms were easily gotten with

Revise: Inn --> inn

> some of their purloined gold, Tannim getting his own at Serenity's insistence, while the two girls shared a room with twin beds.

Tannim: (pouts)

> When they were as alone as they could be, Serenity waved Kyle over towards her bed, and whispered quietly; "I know you're really a man, but I don't think I could face Matt and ask you about this. I..." she trailed off, and looked somewhat concerned, before whispering. "I need a refresher."
>
> "... Excuse me?" Kyle deadpanned.

Kyle: Is that what kids call that nowadays? Wait, you're not a kid...
Is that what they used to call it during your day?

Serenity: >:(

> "I... there's... you know. Pressure. I've been looking, but there aren't any... devices to help cope with such things around here."

O_O; I hope she's not talking about Victorian-era condition of hysteria.

> "What are you used to?" Kyle asked curiously.
>
> "Crystal Refreshers, the highest quality of personal relief," Serenity admitted. "Only the best. But here...?" She shrugged helplessly. "I don't know what to do."

(double-checks the subject header) It says this isn't a lemon or lime
fic. So what the heck are they talking about? ?_?

Kyle: On the other hand, self-insert does have many other connotations...

Ew.

> Kyle's blue face twitched, the long eyebrows wiggling as she tried to comprehend this. "Wait... you... are trying to... uhh... relieve yourself?"
>
> Serenity's innate grasp of language helped her catch what was implied, and she reared back in shock. "NO!"

(sighs in relief)

On the other hand, she may just be looking for a chamber (pot) of
secrets to answer the call of nature.

> Doing her best to calm herself (and wishing away the blush that burned her cheeks) Serenity pointed to her lower abdomen, just below her navel. "Here. Pressure. Relief?" She hoped the simplicity of the request would convey what her failed attempts at explanation had not.

If Princess Serenity were already older, she could be...

Princess Serenity: (playing jump rope with her umbilical cord)

Queen Serenity: (hits her palm with her fist) Oh yeah. I'm pregnant.

> "OH!" Kyle said, in sudden understanding. With a knowing nod, he crossed his arms and elaborated. "You need to take a leak."

Ah. So I was right the second time.

> Serenity's blank stare at that worried Kyle. "Err... you... have to go to the bathroom, I mean? Number one?" at her lack of a response, Kyle scooted back on her bead

Revise: one?" at --> one?" At

> Serenity, who had managed to lose all her composure, stared at Kyle with the most impressive set of puppy-dog eyes (s)he could ever recall seeing. "I don't know what it means!"

Queen Serenity: Serenity wakaranai!

> "..." That wasn't expected. "You... don't... know how to go?"

Suggest: "..." --> "...."

> The queen shook her head. "That's what a Crystal Refresher is for. Ever since I can remember, whenever I felt like this, I stepped inside, there was a flash of light, and I felt better."

o_o That's very convenient. It certainly beats indoor plumbing by a wide margin.

> "Of course! They're fairly ubiquitous." Serenity responded, as if it were obvious.

Revise: responded, as --> responded as

Huh. That explains the lack of sewers and the clinically clean look
the moon. With that said, how is Serenity aware of what shit is if
they apparently don't even see it on the moon ever?

Serenity: (shrugs) The same way Hawaiians know what snow is even
though they've never seen it. I'm a diplomat to the different planets,
remember?

> "Well then. This... is going to get fairly... umm... There's a word for it, but goddess only knows what it is, cuz I can't think of it," Kyle finally said, while trying to figure out how to phrase things.

Revise: said, while --> said while

Suggest: cuz --> coz

> Fortunately, despite the few times the new-night-elf tripped over an explanation here

Revise: new-night-elf --> new night elf

> and there, Serenity seemed willing to listen, and finally she nodded her understanding, before heading out the door.

Suggest: and finally she nodded her understanding, before heading out
the door. -->
and she finally nodded in understanding before heading out the door.

> When she came back a good twenty minutes later, she looked a bit less sure of herself. "This... stays between us." She said, her voice allowing no argument.

Revise: us." She --> us," she (speech indicator error)

Heh. Even during embarrassing situations, she still maintains her authority.

> Kyle just nodded, before trying to change the subject. "So... umm... yeah." After

Heh.

Also: nodded, before --> nodded before

> fumbling for a moment, she decided on a much better subject. "Why did Elune... do this to me? And Matt, though, more me, since this is a fairly drastic change, you know..."

Revise: though, more me, --> though more me,

> Serenity smiled, sitting down on the bed she'd claimed, and looking across the room at Kyle, who was watching her intently. "Do you really wish to know?"

Revise: claimed, and --> claimed and

> Kyle nodded, and Serenity sighed.
>
> "You scare me."
>
> Kyle blinked, unsure how to respond to that.

Revise: scare me --> annoy me (wrong word selection)

I kid, I kid. ^_^

> Finally; "Elune... this world's moon goddess, turned me into a female night elf, because I scared you?"

Revise: elf, because --> elf because

> Serenity nodded, looking out the oversized window at the dreary conifers beyond.

Huh. You spelled oversized correctly this time around. Good show. ^_^

Revise: window at --> window and at (missing conjunction "and")

Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
> "You're very... strong-willed. Elune explained it to me some, after you two had left, and I don't hold it against you or anything, but you're..." She paused, turning to look at Kyle, before sighing again. "You're different than most every man I've ever met."

If I didn't know any better, this sounds like start of UST between
Kyle and Queen Serenity.

> Kyle smirked, and grabbed his breasts,

LOLwut?

Kyle: (coolly grabbing his breasts)

Revise: smirked, and --> smirked and

> Serenity rolled her eyes, before pointing at him. "You are not of the Silver

Revise: eyes, before --> eyes before (comma muyo)

> Millennium. While Matt behaves similarly, you treat me with little reverence at even the most trying of times, and it's hard for me to cope. All the people I've ever met at least respected my position... you... don't seem to care."

Your grace is acting a bit like a spoiled brat here, changing the sex
of a person you cannot subjugate.

Queen Serenity: (shrugs) If it worked during the Medieval Times, then
why not? Ever heard of eunuchs?

> "I care," Kyle frowned, not liking this almost-melancholy dressing-down.