[FFML] [SI] Chance of a Millennium 7-9 B

[Chester Castañeda]

> Before he could free his greatsword, however, Kyle elbowed the elf hard, and used its

Revise: hard, and --> hard and

> suddenly-loosened grip to reach up, grab the elf by his hair, and toss him over her shoulder.

Revise: suddenly-loosened --> suddenly loosened

> Her assailant curled up after that, his face turning an interesting shade of green (which didn't quite match his eyes) And Kyle stood up, stepping back and pulling a dagger free in case he tried anything else.

Revise: eyes) And Kyle --> eyes). And Kyle / eyes) as Kyle

> "What the hell was that for?" She asked, as the floored elf tried to keep his lunch down.

Revise: She asked, as --> she asked as

> "Actually, if you count sleeping-through-their-kidnapping as a 'meeting,' the last ones we met kidnapped Serenity," Kyle stated, plainly.

Revise: stated, plainly --> stated plainly

> "So? When a king or president or something stands close to you, you can say you met him, even if you didn't exchange names and shake hands."

No, you can't.

> "...umm... excuse me..." the blood elf said, wondering what had happened to get these two arguing about something so... lame.

Well, at least the fic is self-aware.

Suggest: "...umm... --> "Umm...

Also: two arguing --> two, who were now arguing (to avoid making the
sentence look like a mixed or shifting sentence)

> "...o-kay..." The blood elf replied, turning to the gold farmers standing nearby and wishing he could vanish like his mentor.

Suggest: "...o-kay..." --> "O-kay...

Revise: The blood --> the blood

> "Look," Kyle said. "It's not a matter of proximity or social status. In the... end... when did all these people get here?"

Heh.

> Two of them were, by their armor, warriors, while a third robed figure had a blue creature beside him that looked sort of like the genie from Aladdin, a voidwalker, clearly marking him as a Warlock.

Suggest: Aladdin, a voidwalker, --> Aladdin -- a voidwalker -- /
Aladdin... a voidwalker...

> "Well, what have we here?" The warlock asked, rhetorically. "Lost adventurers?"

Revise: here?" The --> here?" the

Also: asked, rhetorically --> asked rhetorically

> "A friend of theirs? Who knows. They're obviously arguing about something... Enough

Revise: Who knows. --> Who knows? (punctuate questions with question marks)

> "Oh really?" the other warrior asked, clearly skeptical.
>
> "Really. I just didn't bother being subtle because I knew this would work faster."

Other warrior: O RLY?

Kyle: YA RLY.

> Kyle just scowled, ignoring Matt and the blood elf's looks of confusion. "Stop repeating what I say and pay attention. Here' I'll draw it out for you." So saying, she

Revise: Here' --> Here... / Here. / Here; / Here -- / Here (most
anything that's not an apostrophe)

> crouched in the ash and drew a few dots and crosses in the sand, then added a box, a triangle, and a stick figure. "See?"
>
> Nobody saw. With a sigh, Kyle scooted to the side and waved them around. "Try from this angle..."

LOL. This is the funniest and weirdest I've ever seen Kyle. I think
he's been hanging out with Matt for too long.

Kyle: That's what I said!

> As they scuffled around the diagram, curious, Kyle grinned nastily. "Gotcha," she whispered to herself, a moment before throwing a handful of dirt and ash into the faces of two of the Gold Farmers.

Revise: herself, a moment --> herself a moment

> Lacking an opponent, Matt shouted "By the light of Elune!" and swung at the startled voidwalker who was getting ready to defend its master. His sword glowed brightly as the blade bit deeply into the middle of ethereal darkness, causing the creature no small amount of pain. It took a swing at him that was mostly deflected off his armor, but managed to injure him slightly none-the-less.

Revise: none-the-less --> nonetheless (dictionary-verifiable word, no
need for the hyphen unless you did this intentionally to bring
antiquated feel to your narrative--which is rather quaint and
inconsistent with the rest of the modern-day usage narrative)

> In the end, there were two unconscious Farmers, and one dead, slowly bleeding out onto the desert floor.

Well, so much for Matt's attempts at stopping any potential killings.

Matt: Hey! One out of three ain't bad!

> Kyle just rolled her eyes. "Funny, how that works," she mumbled to Matt as she began

Revise: "Funny, how --> "Funny how (because "Funny, how that works,"
sounds like the kind of inflection William Shatner would be using)

> "Aww, looks like he can't follow us that well, now. Too bad." Kyle said, not sounding

Revise: Too bad." --> Too bad,"

> "True, but this is a warlock, don't you think-" Matt started to say, before there was a wet pop, and suddenly more screaming.
>
> Looking over, the two displaced earthlings saw the blood elf standing over the warlock with one arm twisted to the point that it had been dislocated at the shoulder.

Heh.

> "...nevermind." Matt shrugged. "I suppose that'll stop him from casting."

Revise: nevermind --> never mind / Never mind ("nevermind" is not
dictionary-verifiable)

> "Here, let me do it." Matt moved over to the warrior who was still unconscious, raised the head, and took a firm grip on his mouth. "Who are you and what are you doing here!?" he said sternly, then moved the Farmer's lips up and down in time with his next

Revise: he said --> he asked

> words, which he spoke with a falsetto voice. "'I'm a bad man and deserve to be robbed blind.'" Matt dropped him unceremoniously and started going through his pockets. "Seems like he's telling the truth to me."

O_O

> Kyle rolled her eyes. "Whatever. He's tied up. Lets hang him from a tree."

Revise: Lets hang --> Let's hang

Hmmm. Lynching someone from another race. That doesn't bring about
unfortunate implications _at all_.

> "What!? He's unconscious!" Matt objected.

Matt: Let's wait until he's conscious, and then hang him! Letting him
sleep through his death is too humane!

> "I don't mean kill him. Just string him up by his waist. Like a pinata."

Technically, it's piñata.

> "Oh." Matt deflated. "Can't we doodle on his face first?"

Uh-oh. Matt's cuckoolander bad-assery has come full circle, making him
into a clownish moron with a penchant for hi-jinks.

Matt: Hilarity ensues! ^_^

> Matt paused and mouthed 'my other body's pants' to himself, before being struck with an idea. "Ooh, we should leave a note that says if you beat him with a stick, candy falls out!"

Revise: himself, before --> himself before

Suggest: an idea --> another idea

Heh. Oh look, that was so lame it looped back to awesome again. That was fast.

> "Too bad we don't have any real candy on us. Be funny if the first whack actually did-"

Suggest: Be funny --> It'd be funny

> "What's wrong with the two of you?" The blood elf shouted, interrupting the two as they bantered. Then he frowned. "You two aren't... together, are you?"

Revise: you?" The --> you?" the (speech indicator error)

Suggest: interrupting the two --> interrupting the pair (pet peeve;
stop using "the two" so much in a given sentence or paragraph)

> He cowered in fear at the glare Kyle gave him, the sudden murderous intent radiating off of her so thick it actually distorted the air around her. This was tempered only very slightly by Matt's sudden, howling laughter. "I get it, I get it, you're single!

Revise: only very slightly --> very slightly / slightly

Grammar Rule #58: Using adverbs to describe adverbs is truly awfully redundant.

Also: LOL.

> questionable." He turned his gaze to Kyle, sweeping his eyes over her before smirking. "By the way, seeing anybody?"
>
> Kyle walked away after braining Dax with the butt of her dagger.

Heh. This self-insert fic is on the role. This is arguably as funny as
any of the classic self-insert fics that ContraBardus used to write.

> "That is also a touchy subject," Matt stage-whispered as the Blood Elf tried to get his bearings from the ground.

Revise: Blood Elf --> blood elf

> Shakily climbing to his feet, Dax stared after the receding form of the Night Elf rogue thoughtfully. "Well.. you know what they say about violent night elf women..." he

Revise: Night Elf --> night elf (capitalization error)

Also: Well.. --> Well... (ellipsis error)

Grammar Rule #81: Ellipses, as a general rule, are three periods (...)
or four periods if you're using it to terminate a sentence after a
character trailed off or whatever (....). It's never just two periods
(..), that's just wrong.

> Matt rolled his eyes, but otherwise remained silent. This guy looked like the type that had to learn from experience. He winced when, as Dax finally caught up, Kyle sucker-punched him in the kidneys and started moving at an even faster pace than before. Dax did not seem deterred in the least.

Dax: (as Pepe Le Pew) I am ze captain, and you are ze first mate.
Promotions will follow quickly!

> Matt grimaced as another advance was rebuffed in a violent but efficient manner, and shook his head.
>
> "Nah."

What an interesting and hilarious chapter. Heck, the potentially droll
Dax was made interesting because of his inapt affections over Kyle's
female form. While this chapter isn't as awesome as the chapter with
the musical scene on the tavern, it has distributed its hilarity in a
more even manner than the musical chapter did this time around.

> Chapter 9
>
> Xxxxx
>
> "You're quite the defiant little one, aren't you? It is no matter. You will break, because I will break you, just like all the ones who came before you, and all the ones who will come after. And... I... I see... ohh, yes. Now I see, indeed. Well, we can't have that, now can we?"

For a minute there, I thought it was Dax talking. Or Pepe Le Pew. Same
difference.

> "What are you..? No! NOOOO!"

Revise: you..? --> you...?

> Xxxxx
>
> Blackwing Lair was dark. Blackwing Lair was hot. And Blackwing Lair stank like something long dead was slowly decaying.

Well, obviously they weren't going for irony when they chose the name
for the place.

> "Oh, damn. Am I glad he's not moving," Dax said, staring at the bones of some oversized dragon. Around the room lay skeletons of orcs and smaller dragon-creatures, as well as what looked like the crushed remains of numerous oversized eggs.

Revise: dragon-creatures, as well --> dragon creatures as well

Suggest: changing any one of the "oversized" words there into
"extra-large / jumbo / huge / massive / etc."

> Kyle couldn't help but chuckle as she picked up one of the shattered shells. "No wonder black dragons are so bitchy. If they laid big-ass spiny eggs like this all the time, I can only imagine how they'd take it out on the little bastards that hatch."

Kyle's really getting into his feminine side, isn't he? Or at least,
Jaessica's feminine side.

Dax: (wants to "get into" Kyle's feminine side, if you know what I mean)

> "You mean..." Matt asked, not really paying attention.

Revise: mean..." --> mean...?" (since Matt asked that statement
instead of merely saying it)

> Kyle snorted. "What's he going to do, haunt me? He's dead. And this time, no server reset is bringing this bad boy back."

Heh. Yeah, he's just part of the scenery.

> Crouching down before the scarred skull of the dragon, Kyle smirked and patted the skull between the eyes. "You failed to protect the eggs, Razorgore. Better a team of adventurers bring you low than what you'd receive reporting your failures to your boss."

On the other hand, here's an idea... Final-Fantasy-V-style Zombie
Dragons. With the way Kyle and Matt are antagonizing the dead, I'd be
surprised if their jeers doesn't bite them in the ass in the form of
undead fantasy creatures suddenly attacking.

> "You knew this beast?" Dax asks in shock.

Revise: Dax asks --> Dax asked (keep the tenses of your verbs consistent)

> "Kid, you ain't seen nothing, yet."

Revise: nothing, yet --> nothing yet (no need for the comma)

> "I know." Dax took a moment to leer purposefully at Kyle's chest, before settling

Revise: chest, before --> chest before

> the orc-infested spire below. Further we'll find.. more dead... It was a pretty hellish run, back in the day."

Revise: find.. more --> find... more (ellipsis should be made with
three periods)

> helped with the scouting?" Dax nodded to himself, convinced one mystery was solved. He gave Matt a wink and nudge on his plate armor, "I'd like to get my hands on her secrets, if you know what I mean."

Once you know "her" secrets, you'll be keeping your hands to yourself,
if you know what I mean.

> "If you got your hands on my secrets, I'd take you hands off your arms,"

Kyle: ...If you know what I mean.

Revise: you hands --> your hands (typo; you should have used the
possessive form of you to indicate who possessed the hands)

Grammar Rule #36: Each person should use their possessive pronouns correctly.

> Kyle muttered, before heading through the door in the back.

Revise: muttered, before --> muttered before

> "She's been here many time before, yes," Matt admitted reluctantly. "Though not in

O_O

Revise: many time before --> many times before (number agreement error)

Grammar Rule #85: A noun and the words that modify that noun must
agrees in number. How many time do people break this rule anyway?

> the way you think. Why do you antagonize her so much, anyway?"
>
> "Because it's fun?" Dax grinned.

Same reason as me, then. ^_^

> Dax moved towards the door with the grin still plastered on his face. "Aww, don't get

Suggest: Aww, --> Aw,

> There was a muffled thud, followed by a soul-rending shriek of agony from the other room.

Wilhelm scream?

> When Matt passed through the doorway, he found Dax curled up in a fetal ball on the ground, a small puddle of vomit nearby, and the blood elf rolling around crying, holding his crotch.

Yep, Kyle heard their conversation, all right.

Revise: nearby, and --> nearby and

> Matt crouched down next to the weeping man. "Well? Was it worth it?"
>
> Dax shook his head no.

Hehe.

> "Then stop griefing our party and get your head back into the mission. We've got a

Griefing? (looks it up) Oh. Well, I've learned something new today. ^_^

> dungeon to raid." Despite Dax's protests, Matt hauled the elf onto his feet and shoved him deeper into the lair.
>
> He was remarkably well-behaved after that.
>
> Xxxxx MEANWHILE, A FEW FLOORS ABOVE xxxxX

Huh. What's with that "MEANWHILE, A FEW FLOORS ABOVE" scene separator?
You weren't using this a while ago...

> "IDIOTS! FOOLS! IMBECILES!" the figure on the crumbling throne shouted at the figures scurrying around the room, "You came running HERE to alert me, leaving the door wide open for them?"

Suggest: shouted at the figures --> shouted at the shadows / shapes /
forms (just to avoid redundancy)

> While the few beings below him cowered and quailed in terror, the leader of the Gold Farmers turned towards a chained figure on the wall, smirking to himself at her

Suggest: chained figure --> chained person / chained woman / etc.

> listless gaze and forlorn appearance. "They come to rescue you, my pet.

Revise: They come -->They came

> "You... killed her..." Serenity mumbled.

Who'd he kill? I hope it wasn't Princess Serenity.

> "You... you..." Serenity was at a loss for words. The grief, pain, resentment, and self-hatred she felt bubbled up within her, and she fought it as best she could, before glaring at her captor. "They will kill you. And I will do nothing to intervene. No matter how precious life may be, yours is forfeit. I promise."

Tsk. It sounds like he killed her baby, what with her deciding that
this bad guy's life is forfeit and all. You usually only get that much
hatred from a mother whose child you've killed. I hope I'm wrong.

> The party of three passed the bones of Vael, Dax stopping to inspect them before Kyle dragged them further into the labyrinthine lair. Finally, passing a room full of small nests and odd mechanical devises that appeared disabled, they spotted a pair of guards

Suggest (unless it's a Commonwealth spelling thing): devises --> devices

> "Broodlord Lashlayer used to guard that door... If I had to guess, I'd say beyond this point, we'll be fighting gold farmers."

Pick: gold farmers or Gold Farmers? Because all this time, I've been
letting you use "Gold Farmers" in the belief that it's an official
title of the group (thus should be treated as a proper noun). At any
rate, please be consistent.

> "With no healer?" Matt asked. While normally paladins could put their in-game talents

Revise: normally paladins --> normally, paladins (missing comma)

> "Yay. Decoy drone yet again. I have a feeling this is going to be a recurring theme with us."

But you're so good at it.

> Briefly letting Jae's memories take over, Kyle felt something like a veil of cloth fall over her, and to Matt's eyes, she disappeared. Almost. There, where she had stood, was a blur, a slight waver in the air, and if he frowned, he could make out Kyle's features, but only because he was aware of where she had been, and where she was. Even as he thought about it, Kyle started to move, and she slid out from under his gaze.

Yay! The magical equivalent of Ghost in the Shell thermoptics FTW!

> Rolling her eyes, Kyle veered to the left, feeling her movement somewhat hindered, as

Revise: hindered, as --> hindered as

> if she was moving under water. Still, in what felt like no time at all, she made it

Revise: she was --> she were (subjunctive mood)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Subjunctive_mood#The_subjunctive_in_English

http://englishplus.com/grammar/00000031.htm

> to her target, and moved behind the unsuspecting guard, before glancing over to where Dax should be.

Revise: guard, before --> guard before

> With the two rogues in position and waiting to strike, Matt boldly walked forward towards the guards as if he owned the place, weapon out and resting on his shoulder.

Um, "forward towards" just sounds so awkward and redundant. Suggest revision.

Revise: forward towards --> towards / forward to

> "NOW!" The Blood Elf shouted, appearing from nowhere even as his daggers slid into

Revise: The Blood Elf --> the blood elf

> Kyle grimaced, before slipping her arm around the guard's neck and tightening her

Revise: grimaced, before --> grimaced before

> grip. Even as she felt the veil of stealth slip away, she was moving, a sharp twist ending the guard's life, even as a gasp of surprise started to slip through his lips.

Suggest: she was moving, --> she moved (keep your narrative in the active voice)

Grammar Rule #20: The passive voice is to be ignored.

> "And that's the second time you've let someone live," Dax replied.

Matt: If I have to stop Kyle from killing, then I'm willing to do it.
Dax? He can kill as many people as he wants.

> Kyle blinked. "Umm... he's dead," she said, pointing at the body she'd created.

So much for your Badass Boast about not killing, Matt.

Matt: I said unnecessary killing! This was necessary!

> Turning to look at the body, Kyle shuddered, then turned away again. "I was hoping I could be more nonchalant about it, is all... Not quite so easy." Suppressing another

(golf claps) Very good, fic. At least it handles how real people put
into fantastic situations will feel once they're forced into murder.
Kudos is in order. So congratulations; you've made this fic a shining
example of proper self-insert characterization.

> Looking at the concerned rogue with a a little surprise, and even some respect, Kyle

Revise: a a little --> a little

Grammar Rule #40: Proofread carefully to make sure you don't repeat
repeat any words.

> nodded. "I see. Well then, He was a bad guy, in my way, who helped those who

Revise: then, He --> then, he

> Kyle just nodded, before moving towards the door. "Lets just... get this done."

Revise: Lets --> Let's / Let us (use apostrophe-s when indicating a
contraction; use s to indicate the plural form of some words)

Also: nodded, before --> nodded before

> The next room, however, gave Kyle pause. Where before, there had been goblins and drakes and odd chemistry devices, the walls and alcoves were jammed with weapons racks,

Revise: drakes and --> drakes, and (missing comma)

Also, suggest: and alcoves were jammed --> and alcoves were now jammed

> Fortunately, there was hardly anyone around a few sleeping Gold Farmers occupying the

Suggest: around a few --> around except a few / around save for a few
/ around aside from a few (missing words)

> beds, while a couple of children, one human, one blood elf, wearing manacles

Revise, suggest: couple of children, one human, one blood elf, wearing
manacles --> children wearing manacles... one human, one blood elf...

> "Slaves," Dax hissed, watching the two children work for a moment before making his way towards the weapons rack.

"Weapons," Dax sneered. He turned around. "Sleeping Gold Farmers," he growled.

> "Anything good?" Kyle whispered, even as she shifted through the collection of wood

Revise: whispered, even as --> whispered even as (comma muyo)

> and steel meant to maim, dismember, and kill. Most of it looked fairly generic, however, and with a shrug, Dax moved on towards the next one, then the next, with increasing disdain, before turning away in disgust.

Revise: disdain, before --> disdain before

> "You'd think a group like this could afford more than the standard crap they hand out to voluntary militias," he muttered, before turning towards the back of the room.

Revise: muttered before

Suggest: "You'd think a group named the 'Gold Farmers' could..."

> "Well, there were three drakes in here, before. Now? Who knows," Kyle replied,

Revise: here, before --> here before

> Dax nodded, pulling one of his daggers. "Quietly, Dax," Kyle whispered, even as she made her way towards another sleeping figure.

Revise: whispered, even --> whispered even

This story is getting darker and grittier, it would seem.

> "If I was a dungeons and dragons paladin I'd have to stop them," Matt muttered to

Revise: paladin I'd --> paladin, I'd (missing comma)

> himself.  "Luckily, Tannim hates slavers as much as I do. They'll get no mercy from me."

(facepalm) Yeah, thanks for the out-of-the-blue explanation, Matt.
Your reading audience appreciates your Claremont-like aside.

> Matt took up over-watch position, covering the exits best he could in case anyone

Suggest: up over-watch --> up the over-watch (missing article)

Also: exits best he --> exists the best that he (two missing words)

> Kyle briefly stopped to tell the slaves to leave, quietly, before pausing to look down at the sleeping figure. Behind him, he heard a muted squelch from where Dax had gone, and winced, even as she raised a dagger over her head.

Revise: winced, even --> winced even

> Apparently not sleeping quite so deeply as the others, the Golf Farmer snapped up his arm to deflect the blow, his eyes snapping open to grin at Kyle.
>
> "Word of advice: don't hesitate!"

Even the mooks have their share of awesomeness in this story.

Chance of a Millennium: Your Chance for Equal-Opportunity Awesomeness!

> "An interesting choice," the Farmer muttered, before trying to punch the thief. Kyle

Revise: muttered, before --> muttered before

> dodged wildly, and only Jae's training allowed her to avoid the following punch. Then everything started to blur, the two of them trading blows as Kyle watched from within Jae. At first, he was awed at the way she moved, but her training, as underhanded though it may have been, missed some fairly obvious openings the Gold Farmer left undefended during his attacks.

Jae: HEY! No backseat drivers! I have to do this because you don't
have the balls to do it yourself, you little pussy!

Kyle: ....

> Finally, frustrated at the way they seemed so evenly matched, Kyle took control, feeling the agility and sureness in her limbs disappear as the Gold Farmer pressed his apparent advantage. Which was when Kyle struck. Rushing him as he tried to punch, and getting inside his guard, the outer edge of Kyle's hand flashed out, a wet crunch filling the room, and suddenly the gold farmer was on the floor, kicking and writhing wildly as he clutched his ruined throat.

Interesting. Was that the LINE System or MCMAP?

> "What was that?" Dax asked, watching the twitching body slow. He'd not seen what she had done, but was impressed with the results.
>
> "Looks like she collapsed the larynx," Matt offered. At Dax's confused look, he elaborated, "She crushed his voicebox."

Revise: voicebox --> voice box

> "Throat. Groin. Eyes. Knees." Kyle replied with a shrug. "Weak points in all

Revise: Knees." Kyle --> Knees," Kyle

> humans... and humanoids. I tend to focus on the throat, but all of them work wonders when incapacitating, debilitating, or, if necessary, terminating."

Kyle: Who's the pussy now, bitch?

Jae: ....

Matt: Self-inserts don't fuck around. ^_^

> Matt looked towards Kyle's retreating form. "She mentioned she was in the army. I suppose this is training from that experience." Dax took that explanation at face value, and didn't question it further.

Hmm. Aaaah, army. Yeah, I probably wasn't paying much attention to the
previous chapter in regards to Kyle's supposed army training (what
with me being snarky and all).

...Do all former army people act like they're Rambo or something, or
is this just a tradition in fiction?

Matt: Hey, that rhymed!

> Ahead, the room continued on, more cots and racks adorning the alcoves, except for

Revise: alcoves, except --> alcoves except

> the last one, which was gated off and guarded. Frowning at the guards, who would have

Revise: guards, who --> guards who / guards that

> to be taken care of, Kyle felt herself go into stealth, before moving forward.

Revise: stealth, before --> stealth before

> Most of the beds were empty, the racks nearby empty of weapons and items.

Suggest: Most of the beds were empty, the racks nearby empty of
weapons and items. --> Most of the beds and the nearby weapons racks
were empty.

> One figure, however, lie on a bed, coughing fitfully and visibly shivering despite the heat in the room.

Revise: lie on a bed --> lay on a bed

Use of Lie-Lay:

            Recline              Put Down             Tell Untruth

Present: I am lying down.    I am laying down the    He is lying.
                             book on the desk.

Past:    I lay down          I laid the book on      He lied yesterday.
         yesterday.          the desk.

Present  I've lain in bed    I have already laid     He's lied all his
Perfect: all day.            the book on the desk.   life

> "Well, that's one we'll not have to worry about much," Kyle muttered, turning to look at the guards, and whatever it was behind them. Then she blinked. Beyond the guards,

Revise: guards, and --> guards and

> Spying the red and black leather outfit she'd coveted back in classic WoW, Kyle felt a smirk grace her face, even as she turned to look at the guards in her way.

Revise: face, even --> face even

> "Hmm..." Pulling a dagger free, she turned it around again, running her hand over the blunt end of the handle and wondering if the game was at all relevant here. "Only one way to find out," she muttered, before moving around one guard and letting him have it

Revise: muttered, before --> muttered before

> With a groan, the guard fell to the floor, alerting the other guard that something was up, even as Kyle backed away slowly, still in stealth.

Revise: up, even --> up even

> Drawing his sword, the guard looked around the room warily, before moving over to his

Revise: warily, before --> warily before

> fallen companion. "Zinnersnip! Get up! What's wrong with you?" He poked his companion with his sword, eliciting no response. Before he could check further, however, he felt an arm snake around his neck, and a feminine voice whisper "goodnight," in his ear.

Revise: "goodnight," --> "Goodnight,"

> herself smile as his movement became lethargic, the sword clattering to the floor as he weakly tried to pull her arm loose. Finally, he collapsed to his knees, and she held on for a few moments after he stilled just to be sure. When she let him go, she glanced at him and grimaced.

Kyle's like a regular Rowdy Roddy Piper with the sheer amount of
headlocks she's been applying all this time.

> "Knowing those two wont be coming after me tonight, or tomorrow, or next month or year? It had to be done. Reports from the Horde back me up. It's messy work... but it needed to be done."

Revise: wont --> won't (typo)

Also: or year? --> or next year?

Furthermore: needed --> needs (since "It's" messy work, not "It was"
messy work; keep your tenses straight and consistent, fic)

> Without saying more, Dax stepped into the room beyond the guards bodies and whistled appreciatively.

Revise: guards bodies --> guard's bodies (apostrophe-s conveys possession)

> "My thoughts exactly," Kyle replied, stepping forward to stand before the Bloodfang Armor set. Dax watched her for a moment, enjoying the view as she shifted from foot to foot before the armor, and glad her attention was so caught by the armor that she didn't notice his gaze.

Revise: and glad --> glad (you don't need the "and")

> Finally, Kyle turned, causing Dax to turn his head so quickly he almost lost his balance. "What do you think, preservative or security?"

Suggest: think, --> think: (it looks better with the colon, IMO)

> "You don't give mooks good gear. That just supplies the enemy," Kyle replied.

TV Tropes: (nods sagely)

> "Judgment Armor, right? You showed me a picture of this. Yeah, the robe is a bit like a dress, but I have admit this hood is simply bad-ass. Not to mention the daggers

Suggest: admit this --> admit that this

Also: bad-ass --> badass (dictionary-verifiable word, no need for the hyphen)

> ornamenting the shoulders! That and the red, gold and black color scheme is choice."

Revise: gold and --> gold, and (missing comma)

> Kyle looked over and saw that Matt was already putting on the finishing touches of his new, vastly superior armor. The old set was sitting in a half-hazard pile next to him, and as he put on the hood a pair of glowing white eyes sprang into existence to

Revise: hood a pair --> hood, a pair (missing comma)

> Unable to resist, Kyle buried her face in her hands with a heavy sigh. Then she began pulling the armor off the mannequins, before pulling it on as quickly as she could get

Revise: mannequins, before --> mannequins before

> "I... I don't..." Dax started to say, before a mannequin slammed into him, some of the leather armor on it falling to the floor at his feet.

Revise: say, before --> say before

> As he tried to change and watch Kyle, he managed to get both legs into one leg of armor and fell painfully onto his face. While that was going on, Kyle quickly switched leather chest pieces, enjoying the improved flexibility even as she slid on the bracers and gloves and admired the way she could move her fingers and hands as if there was nothing on them at all.

Revise: and admired --> and admiring

Also: as if there was --> as if there were (subjunctive mood)

> Finally, she pulled on the hood, frowning as she fed her ears through the openings provided, and grinning as she felt her face disappear into the shadow the design granted her.

Revise: provided, and --> provided and (comma muyo)

> Dax finally got his own armor on, grumbling about how he had missed the best part, and finally, the three stepped out of the armory, feeling a little more confident than before.

Stop using finally.

Fic: Okay.

Finally!

Suggest: Dax finally --> Dax eventually

> Kyle shrugged. "True. We've got one big room full of weird grinder things on the walls.. the Chromaguss' Lair, then Neltharion's throne room. Want to bet the leader of

Revise: .. --> ...

> "My life for Auir! Wait, right company, wrong game..." Matt muttered to himself. "I'm going to need a proper battlecry if we're going to be doing this right. Spoon? Nah..."

Revise: battlecry --> battle cry (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_cry)

Also: How about he uses the battle cry of "LEEEEERRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOY
JEEEEEEEEEEENIIIINS!"?

Kyle: (takes one look at me, facepalms at my n00bishness) Yeah, sure.
Because that's still funny, right? 9_9

> "I would imagine Nefarion's tinkering with the Bronze Dragonflight caused this... it's like he's frozen in time, at the exact moment of his death," Kyle replied, wondering whether or not Nozdormu, the keeper of time and leader of the bronze dragonflight would care that the blood of his brood had been used to create this

Revise: dragonflight would --> dragonflight, would (missing comma)

> Through the oversized entrance Matt strode, armor glinting in the evening light as it

Revise: entrance Matt --> entrance, Matt

> streamed in through one open side of the chamber. The glint, however, was diminished somewhat by the unnaturally large piles of gold coating the floor across from the opening in veritable mountains of gold coin.

Suggest: gold coin --> coin (since you already mentioned gold)

> With the opening on one side, and the gold on the other, there existed a corridor

Revise: side, and --> side and

> Not one to waste a perfectly good battlecry despite already holding everyone's

Revise: battlecry --> battle cry

> attention, Matt bellowed, "LEEEEROOOOOOOOOY JEEEEEEEENKIIIIIIIINS!" as he charged the surprised group, seemingly alone in his mad rush against what appeared to be a superior

LOL. So it's not above you to reference that meme after all. ^_^

Matt: (shrugs) It was Kyle that hated the idea.

...In any case, great minds think alike!

> force. After a few moments the people who looked like they knew how to fight unsheathed their weapons with a knowing smirk and prepared to engage the interloper.

Revise: moments the --> moments, the

> "Stay your blades!" She called, hoping that was the right thing to say at a critical

Revise: blades!" She --> blades!" she

> juncture such as this.
>
> "How sad," the leader said with a slight sigh.
>
> Kyle blinked. That wasn't how it was supposed to go. "Excuse me?"

The leader is pretty badass himself. He has shades of Xykon in him, even.

> The leader turned his head to look at Kyle, and suddenly the dagger in her hand went flying, Dax appearing with his foot out, having just kicked it from her hands. "Did you really think..." the leader elaborated, Dax taking up a position behind him, "honestly believe, that I would just let you waltz in here, uncontested?"

~Dun, dun, DUUUUUUN~

Although...

Pick: "Really think" or "Honestly believe"? Because using bought is
just too repetitive.

Also: here, uncontested --> here uncontested

> Kyle frowned, even as she felt the tip of a sword at her back. "Umm... we didn't get in here uncontested. And I take it Dax is yours? He killed a few of your men."

Revise: frowned, even --> frowned even

> The Leader shrugged, turning to Dax. Dax nodded. "It's true. They were inattentive and weak. Better off dead than guarding something potentially valuable."

That makes quite a lot of sense.

> Kyle scowled at the by-play, before crossing her arms defiantly. "So... who are you?

Revise: by-play, before --> byplay before (dictionary-verifiable word,
no need for the hyphen; no need for the comma either)

> Kyle nodded. "You took his lair for your own devices... is it safe to assume more Gold Farmers can be found in Onyxia's Lair, as well? The Lady Prestor may be dead, but

Revise: Lair, as well --> Lair as well

> surely you've not put all your eggs in one basket." Kyle glanced at the piles of gold, before shrugging. "So to speak," she amended.

Revise: gold, before --> gold before

> The being disguised as the previous lord of Blackrock Mountain frowned. "And yet,

Suggest: lord of Blackrock Mountain --> Lord of Blackrock Mountain
(looks like a title to me, hence the need for capitalization)

> "Remember your place, Dax. This one has knowledge. And I will see it become mine before she draws her last breath."

Badass _and_ Genre Savvy. A potent mix. I like this leader guy as an
antagonist. Hell, as soon  as he gets Kyle's out-of-universe knowledge
concerning WoW, the leader will be able to run rampant in that realm.
He's already quite dangerous without that knowledge, come to think of
it.

> "Funny, Sartharion said something similar, right before he was ambushed in the Obsidian Sanctum."
>
> The leader of the Gold Farmers drew back as if physically struck. "WHAT!?"

Heh. Okay, I'm going to have to give credit to where credit is due. I
have no idea what Kyle said to make this leader guy show his "Oh shit"
face, but it was priceless nonetheless.

> "How dare you. HOW DARE YOU! The Black Dragonflight will rule this world, and all the lesser beings shall know their place, or die defending the lie that is their freedom!"

Revise: place, or --> place or

Also: That was a very evocative, if cheesy, speech. Particularly liked
the "lie that is their freedom" part of the remark. Is that an in-game
quote? Whatever it is, it's pretty cool.

> "..." The dragon in human-form opened his mouth to shout a response, before pausing. "You shall die. But only after watching all you hold dear to you suffer. BRING OUT THE WENCH!"

Suggest: "..." --> "...."

> From behind a pile of gold, a pair of guards emerged, dragging a tattered and weakly-resisting figure between them.

Revise: weakly-resisting --> weakly resisting

Hmm. Why am I getting visions of Leiji Matsumoto's Maetel as soon as I
read that sentence?

> With a wordless cry of unbridled fury, Matt charged towards the guards, breaking free of the circle of men previously surrounding him by sheer surprise. A few feet away from Serenity he lunged towards her, but another pair of guards barred his path with

Revise: Serenity he --> Serenity, he

Also: Go, fanboy, go!

> surprising strength, strength that was made understandable as their human forms

Suggest: strength, strength --> strength... strength / strength --
strength / strength; strength

> twisted and stretched until a pair of Draconic centaur-like beings stood in his way.

Revise: Draconic --> draconic (don't randomly capitalize words)

> The other armed guards shifted form as well. Matt continued to struggle despite the change, to no avail.

Suggest: Matt continued to struggle to no avail despite the change.

> The Leader chuckled. "Well well well, It seems we have a set: The heart of the

Revise: Well well well, It --> Well, well, well, it / Well, well, well... It

> group," he motioned towards Serenity, "the brains," he nodded at Kyle, before turning to smirk at the restrained Matt. "And the muscle."

The Leader: TV Tropes ruins your life.

> Serenity's red-rimmed eyes met Kyle's for a second, her mouth opening to say something, but before she could, she shuddered, eyes watering up again at the thought, and she felt her legs give out, the two guards holding her supporting her weight as she went limp in their arms.

Oh, Queen Serenity; the destroyer of the Dark Kingdom and the sealer
of their powers, reduced to this by a mere dragon and your lack of
crystal magic.

Also, if I'm right: Poor, poor, poor Princess Serenity.

> The Leader laughed, the mirth echoed by the various dragons around the room. "Me? Die? I fear you're gravely mistaken. Gravely mistaken, indeed." As he spoke, his voice grew deeper, even as his form wavered and stretched. Where before a human had stood, now there sat a huge black dragon, wings wide enough to span the room from entrance to throne, and reptilian yellow eyes the size of dinner plates focused on the night elf who stood in front of it before he continued.

This is going to be epic.

> "Know that your death was brought to you by Kcalbanihc of the Black Dragonflight, and all your useless gestures to stop me were for naught!"

They should have gotten a bigger party.

> Matt finally stopped struggling against his captors as an idea occurred to him. It wasn't a very good one, but just waiting around to die didn't sit well with him. "Um, hey, don't you want to explain your evil plan before you kill us?" 'And buy us a few more minutes to figure out how to defeat you?' he thought but didn't add. Though that was admittedly looking pretty hopeless at the moment.
>
> The dragon rumbled. "I know that trick, mortal. But I suppose there's no reason not to play with my food... even as I play with my food."

Huh. I was sure it wasn't going to work.

Kcalbanihc: (didn't read the Evil Overlord List all the way through)

> Kyle blinked, unsure what to make of that. "What?"

Yeah. What?

Kyle: LOLwut?

> Instead of responding, Kyle suddenly felt the world around her twist, and a rather intense pain in her chest as the black dragon's tail slapped her hard enough to send her flying right out the side of the mountain.

That's a car-wreck sentence yet again. I suggest a bit of revision.

Suggest: Instead of responding, Kyle reeled as a rather intense pain
flared in her chest while the world around her began to twist. The
black dragon's tail had just slapped her hard enough to send her
flying right out the side of the mountain.

> "Ha! I love this game!" Kcalbanihc cried, diving out after her. "Look at this world, Mortals!"

Revise: Mortals! --> mortals!

> Groaning, Kyle tried to sit up, large holes in her left thigh making that difficult, even as the shattered ribs from earlier made it impossible.

Revise: it impossible. --> it impossible to move.

> "Can't have you bleeding out," Kcalbanihc muttered, before snorting and sending a jet

Revise: muttered, before --> muttered before

> of flame to cauterize the wounds. It was enough to make Kyle scream in anguish, even as she felt the world fade. Only to be pulled back by something hard poking her and

Revise: anguish, even --> anguish even (no need for the comma)

Also, suggest: Only to be pulled back --> She almost fainted, only to
be pulled back

Finally: Ew at the "something hard poking her" part.

Matt: That's what she said?

> making broken bones grind. "Don't die just yet, little one. Your friend asked what my

Revise: making broken --> making her broken

> "Imagine all of this gold, spread to everyone, and each piece cursed to drive its

Revise: gold, spread --> gold spread (comma muyo)

> holder into a bloodthirsty frenzy defeated only by death! Imagine children murdering their parents in their beds, parents turning on confused children and choking the life from them,

...So that explains Chris Benoit?

Kyle: Hey!

...What?

Kyle: Too soon!

> The dragon chuckled. "Oh, it is far far beneath me to waste my time killing you

Revise: far far --> far, far

> stupid mortals by the cartload. So you can do it to yourselves, and then we, the dragons, proper rulers of Azeroth, can take back what is rightfully ours."

Yep, this sadistic plan clinches it. This guy is very much like Order
of the Stick's Xykon. Aside from a few seconds of alarm, he pretty
much has everything under control.

> "I'm sorry, did I fool you? Not that I didn't mean to, but it was a pretty good job, wasn't it?" Dax smiled at them, before shrugging. "You Mortals. So quick to believe your eyes."

Revise: Mortals --> mortals.

> "Indeed! Lord Malygos has had it with you lesser beings and your blatant disregard for the magics of the world. If Kcalbanihc can remove the majority of you from the

(shrugs) Isn't it supposed to be "magicks"?

> Incensed, the blue dragon in blood-elf form stepped forward, before stepping on

Revise: forward, before --> forward before

> Kyle's broken foot, drawing a blood-flecked scream from the wounded Night Elves' raw throat. "What do you mean by that, worm!"

Revise: Night Elves' --> night elf's (first off, there's only one
Kyle, and even you meant Jae and Kyle, there's only one Jae, hence
"night elf"; secondly, you don't need to capitalize the term)

Also: worm!" --> worm?" (it's a question, not an exclamation)

> "Calm yourself, Mage. This little one cannot possibly know the future," Kcalbanihc said.

He kind of does.

> "Calm yourself, Black! I've got to report this to Lord Malygos at once! I will return to poison this gold, but this information must be brought to my master now."
>
> "You cannot leave! Not now!" Kcalbanihc roared.

Huh. Good work, Kyle. You've managed to spread chaos with just words.

> The question rather rhetorical, he brought his head down to look at Kyle, scaly lips pulled back to expose foot long teeth in a mouth big enough to fit a horse with room to spare.

Suggest: The question rather rhetorical, --> His rhetorical question aside,

> "Let them go!" A voice called out from the entrance, before a throwing blade sunk

Revise: entrance, before --> entrance before

> into the flesh of the dragon's neck with a meaty chunk Unfortunately, it was far too

Revise: chunk Unfortunately --> chunk. Unfortunately (missing period)

Grammar Rule #82: Don't forget to end your sentences with a period,
exclamation mark, or question mark, whichever is appropriate

> small to be anything but a minor annoyance to the fully-grown dragon.

Revise: fully-grown --> fully grown

> "WHO DARES?" Kcalbanihc roared.
>
> "I do, as does all of Stormwind, and the Alliance behind it." A man replied, his voice carrying without shouting.

Revise: behind it." A --> behind it," a (speech indicator error)

> "And who are you, to presume you speak for the Alliance, little man?"

Revise: you, to --> you to (no need for the comma)

> "Mathais Shaw, of SI:7. I'll say this once: let them go, and you'll have enough time to try to escape before you're brought down, dragon," Shaw announced. The Leader of SI:7, Stormwind's network of spies and assassins, he wasn't willing to show fear to anything. At least, not to anything that could die.

Revise: The Leader of --> As the Leader of (or else the first part of
a sentence would look like an incomplete phrase)

> "WHAT?" he roared, turning to look. A gryphon, ridden by a dwarf, circled the room, and suddenly the room was full of figures, knights in armor streaming in through the entrance, as gryphons flew in through the open wall to deposit their riders.

Well there you go; an entire party with which to finish off this
magnificent bastard of a monster. If he dies, I hope he dies a
glorious death fitting for a worthy antagonist such as him.

With that said, it sure was convenient for Kyle to have the cavalry
arrive at the nick of time. Then again, maybe I missed something in
the narrative that indicates or foreshadows the sudden arrival of
these people.

> "How DARE you! Insects!" Kcalbanihc cried, as a wave of fireballs impacted his thick flank.

Revise: cried, as --> cried as

> Matt felt arms pulling him away from Kyle, and suddenly realized he was surrounded by

Revise: and suddenly realized --> suddenly realizing that

> robed figures wearing priestly garb and already going to work to heal his wounded friend. They were quickly relocated to the alcove behind the Throne, where Kyle's healing progressed rapidly.

Revise: Throne --> throne (capitalization not needed)

> Serenity, who had been dropped by her minders when the alliance forces had rushed the room, was lead over to them, and a pair of priests went to work on her as well.

was lead --> was led

> The rogue leader matched her gaze for a moment, before barking out a quick laugh.

Revise: moment, before --> moment before

> "That you did!" There was a moment his smile lingered, before it faded. "You've

Revise: lingered, before --> lingered before

Also: You use the same sentence structure over and over. You
particularly love using the word "before" almost. Every. Last.
Sentence.

> "And I suppose you should know, before him?" Kyle asked, grinning even as she felt bones shifting back into place.

Revise: know, before --> know before

> "Oh, Serenity... highness... I'm so sorry," Kyle said, shocked. Usagi was... dead? What did that mean for the Silver Millennium?

Terra Incognita (Nuke 'Em Till They Glow): (laughing maniacally) This
solar system, and soon the rest of the universe, will be mine! I WILL
REAWAKEN TO MY TRUE GLORY! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

> "I... No. After what you just went through, I'm not... I can't..." Serenity broke down, then, unable to contain herself anymore. Kyle, still somewhat broken inside, ignored the pain and the protests of the priests around her and pulled Serenity into a hug, suppressing a wince as every sob jostled broken bones slowly mending, and knowing that the pain was far more transitory than her distraught friend's.

Awwww. Who knew that a self-insert fic could make such a truly
dramatic moment happen? Kudos all around, fic. Kudos all around.

But if Princess Serenity still isn't, you know, to term and all, how
did she know that she miscarried her? Granted, maybe I don't want to
know, but was the torture that the dragon did responsible for her
current condition and a lack of Princess Serenity inside her?

> "YOU WILL DIE!"

Ganon (Wand of Gamelon): I WILL MAKE YOUR FACE THE GREATEST IN
KORIDAI! OR ELSE YOU WILL DIE!

Kyle: That meme is so old, it was made when the Dead Sea was just getting sick.

> The cry echoed through the hall even as Matt ran towards the beast. He chanted every damage-boosting, pain-inflicting spell Tannim's memories could supply him with, and when those failed he settled for severing the major tendon of Kcalbanihc's front left leg as he reached the creature

Revise: those failed he --> those failed, he

Also: Go, fanboy, go! ^_^

> "I'll tell you!" Matt shouted as he ran towards where the head now lay. In his obvious rage other, more seasoned warriors stepped away from the fight to let the figure glowing with righteous fury pass. "You don't. Mess. With. FAMILY!"

D'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWW...

> Matt's brief moment through the air terminated when he impacted the far wall and was accompanied by a pained grunt. He fell to the floor in a heap. As the world spun and grew dark around him, Matt shot the convulsing form across the room a final glare, and muttered "...too quick a death for that one..." before letting the darkness engulf him.

Awesome. Thumbs up, fic. Thumbs up.

> Xxxxx
>
> Author's Notes for Magus: I'm tired. This chapter was brought to you by General Motors, the Letter 'F,' and the Mass Effect 2 Trailer, which was epic enough to inspire me to write. I'm sure Matt is glad (Tannim: I am!) I got off my butt and did something. Stay tuned for more.

Ah, so is this a round-robin thing? Where Tannim writes, then Magus
writes, et cetera, et cetera? That's kind of cool. Or is Magus the
only one writing and Tannim is merely the one distributing it to the
FFML?

> Author's Notes for Tannim: We hope you've enjoyed the ride so far. ^_^

It had its ups and downs, but it's a somewhat okay self-insert fanfic
that gave me quite a few pleasant surprises. ^_^

Summary of Broke Grammar Rules:

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.

Grammar Rule #3: And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

Grammar Rule #9: Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies
endlessly over and over again.

Grammar Rule #11: Contractions aren't always necessary and shouldn't
be used to excess so don't.

Grammar Rule #20: The passive voice is to be ignored.

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
Parenthetical words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

Grammar Rule #26: Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it
when its not needed and use it correctly with words' that show
possession.

Grammar Rule #36: Each person should use their possessive pronouns correctly.

Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Grammar Rule #40: Proofread carefully to make sure you don't repeat
repeat any words
.
Grammar Rule #41: In writing, it's important to remember that dangling
sentences.

Grammar Rule #55: When you write sentences, shifting verb tense is bad.

Grammar Rule #Fifty-Six: Usually, it's better to spell numbers out,
but sometimes that isn't the case. In general, I've seen professional
authors opt for spelling numbers out instead of writing their
numerical forms. The obvious exceptions to the rule (usually) are
actual dates (October 28, 2005), exact numbers which are large in
amount (1,234,567,890) or writing the numerical year instead of the
spelled-out version (1983, as opposed to nineteen eighty-three...
though the latter is also good, IMO). In any case, a good rule of
thumb is this: if a number won't look awkward or needlessly long when
written as words, then go use its worded version... otherwise, go with
its numerical form.

Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be
hyphenated, even though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't
leave those words hanging in mid-air!).

Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non
compound descriptors should be separated.

Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional
puns/homonym-type spilling mistakes because their usually hard to
fined using a spellchecker.

Grammar Rule #79: "That" is the defining/restrictive pronoun. "Which"
is the non-defining/nonrestrictive pronoun. The careful writer,
watchful for small conveniences, goes which-hunting, removing the
defining whiches, and by so doing improves his work.

Grammar Rule #80: Do sentences need to be punctuated properly. Yes,
they do? Seriously!

Grammar Rule #81: Ellipses, as a general rule, are three periods (...)
or four periods if you're using it to terminate a sentence after a
character trailed off or whatever (....). It's never just two periods
(..), that's just wrong.

Grammar Rule #82: Don't forget to end your sentences with a period,
exclamation mark, or question mark, whichever is appropriate

Grammar Rule #83: When there's a speech indicator (said, asked,
replied, pondered, elaborated) indicating that the dialogue (anything
the character says inside the quotation marks) is being said by the
'speaker' (hence 'speech indicator'), and you're ending the speaker's
dialogue with a period instead of an exclamation point or a question
mark, please replace the period with a comma. If there's no speech
indicator in the following statement after the dialogue, then the
following sentence is a separate sentence that has nothing to do with
the dialogue.

Grammar Rule #85: A noun and the words that modify that noun must
agrees in number. How many time do people break this rule anyway?
Grammar Rule #87: Carefully-written works do not sport
erroneously-hyphenated compound descriptors.

Grammar Rule #89: Don't write shifting or mixed sentences are very
confusing to read.

As for the story's grammar: Holy mackerel. I won't sugarcoat it. The
number of grammar errors you've committed this time around is more
than the ones you did in the last three chapters or the three chapters
and a prologue before that. In fact, I daresay you made more
grammatical mistakes in these three chapters than any one chapter I've
ever C&Ced. However, in fairness, you were able to put your ideas
across even with the sheer number of grammatical rules you've broken.
However, the sentence patterns you've used in your fic are getting
monotonous. Furthermore, it has a significant number of awkward and
choppy sentences that originate from your abuse of prepositional
phrases.

Your fic has capitalization errors, punctuation errors, sentences that
start with coordinating conjunctions, missing prepositions, and overly
clipped and halting sentences. See corrections above for more details.
Also, as Katsudon from Katsudon.net always says, you should proofread
your work. It takes care of those avoidable mistakes. Though you
probably already know this, it needs to be said: read your dialogue
out loud. This is the best indication you'll ever have of if it sounds
right, makes sense, and flows properly. If it feels weird to say it,
chances are that it'll feel very weird to read it.