[FFML] [Haruhi] [Dark] Error in Calculation: Epilogue

[Brian Randall]

This could probably be a standalone fic!


     Error in Calculation

     Epilogue

    	A 'Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi' fanfiction.

	Disclaimer: The novel 'Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuutsu'/'The Melancholy of
Suzumiya Haruhi' is the creation of Nagaru Tanigawa.  No disrespect is
intended by the posting of this fanfiction, as I do not own the
characters or settings involved.  I'm merely dabbling with another set
of paints.  ;)

     Note: This takes place between novels seven and eight.
Additionally, a character or two is borrowed from Higurashi, which is
the creation of Ryukishi07, but don't read too much into that.
	---------------------------------
     I will tell you a story that I keep hidden from the rest of the
story I tell.

     Don't look at me like that; a man is justified in keeping
secrets.  Especially these.

     I will refer to a few incidents, which you should remember by
now.  Firstly, my discussion with Nagato after she had created that
alternate reality, during the winter.  After that, the snow mountain
incident, which I know now was due to the 'macrospacial quantum'...
whatever.  That thing.

     Then there was that time when I realized how jealous I was when a
middle-school acquaintance tried to confess to her.  And that time she
said nothing when I asked her to arrange for us to spend time
together, and then, well, ditched her.

     I still blame Asahina-san (big) for that, by the way.

     But, I cannot dodge personal responsibility entirely.

     Okay, I can, but I reserve that trick for Haruhi.

     And this is about Nagato, not Haruhi.  Nagato, who I sometimes
thought of as an ally, sometimes thought of as a goddess I wanted to
seal up in a shrine and worship, and sometimes, but not nearly enough,
someone I thought I could protect.

     So not long after Asahina-san's kidnapping, before the end of the
school year, I had decided that I was going to ask Nagato out.  Mind
you, I had no illusions about what the experience was going to be like
-- probably awkward, with her staring at me coolly, and me making a
fool out of myself.  _Someone_ would also inevitably let it get back
to Haruhi, and then I would end up paying the price.

     But let us consider that penance for mistreating Nagato.

     Perhaps I am needlessly digressing ... but then, you know this
isn't the first time.  Actually, that's no excuse at all, is it?

     To the point, then:

     I had asked Nagato to meet me at the cafe that the Brigade
frequently stopped at.  She had agreed in her quiet, unresisting way,
and after meeting up we took a table near the back together.

     She stares at me, her eyes full of liquid light, and says nothing.

     "Nagato," I say slowly, trying to find the words, "I feel like I
owe you a lot."

     Her eyes turn downward, to her bubble-tea.  "No problem," she whispers.

     I frown, as a somewhat familiar looking waitress comes to our
table and sets my own coffee before me.  At a table behind me a larger
man in a black shirt with a red tie laughs quietly about some joke
with his friend, in a white shirt.  Maybe I enjoy the mostly
unchanging reality, and maybe I enjoy the silences that Nagato and I
can share; while she's always quiet, I cannot complain about the fact
that silence between us means that everything is alright.

     "Kura-chan," the man in the white shirt says, chuckling, "you
never really have told me what possessed you to transfer all the way
here from Okinomiya."

     "Ah, well, to be honest, Aida-chan, when I was younger I just
thought Nishinomiya would be more interesting ... and at the time,
there was a request for more officers to respond to an uprise in
yakuza activity, so...."

     Well, I don't really care about the specifics of their
conversation.  I can guess that they're police officers or something,
most of the time.  But right now, they're two friends enjoying a
discussion.  Much like I want Nagato and myself to be.

     After adding a touch of sugar and cream to my coffee, I shake my
head slightly.  "It's more than that, Nagato," I tell her, lowering my
voice.  No reason to allow myself to be overheard.  "Just like that
cave cricket incident.  I get the feeling that somehow, you've done
much more than I might ever really know for me."

     "It is no problem," she repeats, though for a moment -- just a
moment -- I see a hint of something in her eyes.  Something that numbs
and chills me.  I pride myself for being able to read Nagato, when
most people can't.  Maybe I'm arrogant and don't see anything more,
and maybe I'm just fooling myself and claim to see things that aren't
there.  But I sense, for just that instant, unspoken sadness.

     "It is a problem," I reply, staring at my coffee cup and slowly
rotating it on the saucer, fidgeting for no reason.  "I ... can't lie
to myself forever.  But more importantly, I can't lead you on for no
good reason."

     "What is 'leading on'?" she asks in her soft voice.

     She doesn't ask many questions, but she always heads straight for
the ones that make me feel like a jerk.  'Glasses fetish' indeed.
Heaving a sigh, I say, "It's when a guy is a real prick, er, that is
... an unlikable person, because he ignores someone else's feelings.
Or maybe he just _acts_ like he ignores someone else's feelings,
either for his own gain, or because ... he's afraid of the
consequences."

     After a moment, she says, "I see."

     "What I'm trying to say," I stumble, awkwardly, feeling my face
heat up, "is that ... I don't want to be the one who relies on you for
everything and gives you almost nothing in return.  I don't know
_how_, but I'd like to ... do something for you.  I may not understand
everything ... okay, honestly, I may not understand much at _all_, but
all the same, I'm under the impression that your ... instability is my
fault."

     "It is no problem," she says again.

     That's Nagato for you.  "And I disagree with you on that point,"
I grumble.  Her frozen gaze turns to me and briefly wavers, reminding
me of that unreadable look she had when she released Asahina-san and
myself from the stasis field in her apartment.  "I want to help you
out."

     "It was an error in calculation," she replies.  "The incident
causing the initial error was synchronizing my waveform function with
Suzumiya Haruhi's.  The temporal and spacial existence that it
occurred in is a hypothetical projection-matrix from non-concurrent
reality.  Sympathy and contagion caused an irreparable loop in logic,
which I calculated would not be an issue for...."  She pauses, blinks
at me.  "Nearly six hundred years."

     "A...anyone would go crazy after that long," I tell her, thinking
of the time loop last August.  I didn't have memories of the other
instances, but it was maddening just being _aware_ that they existed.
It must have been hell for her.  And of course, being somewhat
spineless, like a weak male lead in a dramatic anime with multiple
love interests, I didn't even call her or visit when she took a day
off to recuperate.

     "I believe I understand what you are saying," she finally said.
"However, even if I am sympathetic to the emotions of Suzumiya
Haruhi...."  She trails off while making a tiny face, reminding me of
her struggle for words when she first tried to tell me about what she
really was.  A sharp cough from someone else in the cafe causes me to
glance over my shoulder, but the waitress is already bustling to
another table ... it sounded like her voice, anyway.  "Not all of ...
my feelings are caused by Suzumiya Haruhi," she admits, turning her
gaze back to her empty glass.

     I say nothing for the moment, drinking more of my coffee.

     "But it would be ... inadvisable to act on these feelings.
Suzumiya Haruhi's reaction would be ... difficult."  Then she blinks,
and for a moment, her eyes are shining, moist.  "At one time, I
attempted to make a world where ... my desires would be realized.  You
rejected that world."

     I shift in my seat uncomfortably.  "I rejected that world," I
agree quietly.  "But that's because the people in that world weren't
the people I knew and came to care about.  Most importantly ... I
rejected that world because even if she looked like you, and had the
most soul-melting smile I'd ever seen ... that Nagato was not the
Nagato that I've come to know.  Eh ... at the risk of being too
forward ... she wasn't _my_ Nagato."

     She blinks rapidly several times, eyes still moist.

     "What I'm trying to say is, if nothing else, I'd like us to be
better friends.  And I know you have feelings, so ... as much as I
can, I'd like to be there for you when you need.  Don't just wait for
me to call on you ... call on me."  I reach a hand across the table,
palm up.  "If I'm a part of the problem you're experiencing, I'd like
to try and also help prevent it from being a problem in the future.
And, well, sometimes that may mean calling me out on acting
indifferent ... even if--  Ah, well, who am I kidding.  Even _though_
you're right, and it's the kind of thing that we can't let Haruhi
see."

     An instant stretches into an uncomfortably long pause, before she
cautiously reaches her own hand across the table, setting it atop mine
as though afraid that we would explode, like matter and anti-matter.
Thankfully, that doesn't happen; her small, cool hand rests in mine,
and I give it a weak, hopefully comforting squeeze.  The tiniest bits
of color blossom on her cheeks as she stares at our linked hands; if I
were not searching for them, I would not have seen them.  Scientific
instrumentation powerful enough to detect it may not even exist, yet.
But I refuse to believe it's just my imagination.

     "I do rely on you," she says, not looking up.  "That is why I no
longer have cross-temporal synchronization.  That is why I have sealed
most major functions away with password protection.  It is because ...
I trust you."

     ...I'd be lying if I said I didn't at least suspect that.  It's
still somewhat staggering to hear, as it's one of the most emotional
things I've ever heard Nagato say.  "Thank you, Nagato," I tell her
quietly, bowing my head.  "I'm glad I can do at least that one small
thing for you."

     She squeezes my hand back, her head sinking a fraction further as
she stares into her empty glass.

     "Oi!" the larger man calls loudly, rising from his seat and
waving at the waitress, his cell-phone in his other hand.  "Thanks for
the service, but I'm afraid we have to go.  Duty calls."

     I glance over as his friend pulls a large bill from his wallet.
Aida, I think the smaller man is called, asks, "Is this too much?"

     "Ah, yes, quite a bit -- I'll get change," the waitress replies,
ducking her head.  "One moment."

     "No time," Aida says, shooting me a smirk.  "Use some of the
extra to cover the couple over there in the corner, if it's not too
much trouble."

     "Certainly!" the waitress chirps, giving the two police officers
a warm smile and a proper bow as they hustle out of the door, handing
the bill directly to her.

     Nagato's eyes are still watery, as though she was struggling to
contain something, but she gives a sharp nod.  "It is not a small
thing," she finally says.  "I should thank you."

     Of course, this is me, and the world where Haruhi lives.  It is
at precisely _this_ moment she walks in, Koizumi and Asahina-san
behind her.  Mine and Nagato's hands both dart away from one-another,
mine nearly knocking over my coffee cup as I snatch it and almost
choke on the now cooled drink, trying to act casual.  Asahina-san
looks charmingly bewildered, as always, and Koizumi's usually
unreadable expression shows mild disappointment at me before he covers
it up.

     "'Couple'?" Haruhi asks, storming past the waitress.  "What's
going on here?  I demand an explanation!"

     "Instant scene," I sigh, setting my coffee cup down.  "Just add Haruhi."

     "And what's _that_ supposed to mean?"

     Nagato quietly explains, "I was asked to assist in studying."

     Yeah, that sounds about right.  I try to offer to help Nagato,
and it all comes out as me relying on her even more....  What a shock.
 I'm probably spineless enough to pilot a giant robot.  Maybe even a
whole squad of robots, which all link up into an even larger giant
robotic spineless wimp.

     "What, I'm not helpful enough?" Haruhi demands, looming ominously
overhead, arms crossed over her chest as she glares down at me.

     "Well, we can't all be as accidentally brilliant as you," I tell
her.  "Some of us struggle.  Anyway, what are you doing here?"

     "I can believe it," she says, sighing, shaking her head.  "Well,
when your cell-phone went straight to voicemail I called your house,
and your little sister told me where to find you.  Turning your phone
off to ask Yuki for help studying and trying to hide it from the rest
of us?  You really are dumber than a bag of rocks!"

     "Thanks," I reply dryly.  Also, note to self: Never tell my
little sister anything about ... let's go with anything, again.
_Ever_.  "At least I have my charm and wit."

     "I really doubt that first part," she says skeptically,
uncrossing her arms and dragging another table next to the one that
Nagato and I share.  "But sure, you can be amusing sometimes."

     "So, you see me on the level of a trained monkey, dancing for an
organ grinder to amuse you?"

     Her eyes light up.  "Ooooh!" she enthuses, her grin widening.
"That's a _great_ costume idea, Kyon!  It'll be even better than the
reindeer!"

     ...why do I do this to myself?

     "We'll find some small cymbals, and--"  Haruhi blinks suddenly,
halfway lowered to her seat next to me as she stares at Nagato.
"H...hey, Yuki?  Yuki-chan?  Are you alright?  What's wrong?"

     "Nothing is wrong," she answers, blinking, two tears escaping her
eyes, rolling down her cheeks.

     Haruhi stares, working her jaw, then I'm suspended by my front
shirt collar, Haruhi manhandling me -- as she always does.  How does
someone shorter than me lift me into the air, you ask?

     Very casually, as it turns out.

     I wish I could say otherwise, but I cannot.  It seems my fate to
lose any struggle with a woman, but especially Haruhi.  Please, don't
let my little sister discover this weakness.

     "Kyoooooon," Haruhi growls, "what did you do to Yuki-chan?"

     "Nothing," Nagato says, her voice unchanging, despite the tears
trickling down her face.  "I am ... happy."

     "You don't look happy," the demonic Brigade leader comments,
dropping me to the floor where I fall to my knees, almost collapsing
into Haruhi.  She absently grabs the back of my shirt collar and pulls
me closer to her, incidentally pressing the side of my face into her
hip as she stares intently into Nagato's eyes.

     Hey!  Doesn't this seem even the _slightest_ bit inappropriate to
you!?  Not that I terribly mind--  Wait!  I don't acknowledge that!
Forget about that part!  I assure you, I am full of resentment for the
current situation, and only my completely powerless state in a
struggle with a female prevents me from trying to escape!

     Yes.  That is exactly it, now let us never discuss it again.  I
reiterate: Never again.

     Ahem.

     Moving on.

     "Okay!" she relents abruptly, shaking her head.  "If study
sessions with Kyon mean so much to you, I'll allow it.  But if he does
_anything_ I don't approve of...."  Her gaze turns to me, her smile
widening to a manic, world-devouring grin, eyes gleaming with the fury
of a million suns.  I believe she has added-attack paralyze, because I
cannot move when she stares into my eyes.

     This is beyond unfair, considering that my loss was already a
foregone conclusion.  You don't need cheat codes when you get to level
99, Haruhi.

     "You will _wish_ it was merely a hundred death penalties!"  Then
she lets me go, smacking my shoulder playfully.  "Give her your
handkerchief, you jerk," she orders.

     "Yeah, that's me," I sigh, climbing back into my seat and handing
Nagato my handkerchief.  She efficiently dabs at her eyes and folds
the cloth back.  "Go ahead and hang onto that for now," I add, when
she seems uncertain what to do with it.

     She nods, holding it in both hands, a tiny smile coming to her
lips.  "Thank you," she says softly.  "I am glad."

     "I'm supervising these study sessions," Haruhi warns, as the
waitress approaches.  "He really is hopeless.  It'll take all of us to
get him respectable grades."

     "Na...Na...Nagato-san was crying?" Asahina-san asks, her eyes
wide as she seems to partially recover from her shock.
"Sh...sh...she's smiling now!?"

     "This is interesting," Koizumi agrees, shooting me a look that
promises one of those epic lectures I've learned to lump in with
anything said by a teacher, ever.  That is to say, I will ignore it.

     "Well, of course she's smiling now," Haruhi says, rolling her
eyes.  "With all of us beating study information into Kyon's skull,
she won't have to endure being around an idiot so much!"

     On a personal note to Haruhi, though one I will not speak aloud:
I STRONGLY DISAGREE.

     But I digress.  "Can we talk about something other than how dumb
I am?" I ask.

     "Yeah, okay, next order of business," she says, turning to the
waitress and stabbing a finger at me, "since he made Yuki-chan cry,
even if it was because she's happy, he's covering all of us.  So,
everyone, order whatever you want!"  The waitress giggles quietly and
nods, brushing a strand of pale green hair out of her face and giving
me an encouraging wink after Haruhi turns to the menu.

     Business as usual, I suppose....  While the others are ordering,
I casually lean my face on one hand, incidentally hiding my mouth from
Haruhi.  I silently mouth the words, "Afterwards, library?" to Nagato.

     Her eyes shimmer slightly and she gives that tiny nod she uses,
her smile widening the merest amount.  That's enough for me ... for
now, anyway.
	---------------------------------
     Author's notes (03/02/'10): And ... done.  Technically, this
could be a standalone fic that has nothing to do with the previous
chapters, which are somewhat AU, while this could more likely fit into
the cannon universe.

     Anyway.  Next Haruhi fic, something I will probably end up
titling 'Kyon: Big Damn Hero' (check the TVtropes website), which will
be comedy/action/harem.  Obviously.  Then the inevitable Ranma/Haruhi
crossover (which I will probably actually title The Inevitable Ranma
1/2 Crossover of Suzumiya Haruhi).

-- 
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.florestica.com/brandall/
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.