[FFML] [Haruhi] [Dark] Error in Calculation: Chapter Four

[Chester Castañeda]

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On Tue, Mar 9, 2010 at 11:37 AM, Brian Randall <durandall at gmail.com> wrote:
>     Error in Calculation
>
>     Note: Yeah, you know exactly how this chapter was going to open.
> I'm not fooling anyone. :)
>        ---------------------------------

(clueless) Ryoko dismembering Haruhi School Days style?

>     Ryouko's eyes opened, and she frowned suddenly.  "Oh?" she asked.
>  "How...?"
>
>     Haruhi's hands suddenly broke free of whatever force was holding
> them in place, latching onto Ryouko's extended wrist.  "I'm sorry,"
> Haruhi said, her voice genial, strangely apologetic.  "I'm used to a
> much more passive role than this."

Huh. I expected Haruhi ending the world. Say what you will about bad
writing, but having Haruhi reset the world is one of the easiest ways
to write an ending. ^_^

>     Too stunned to do anything else, Oishi could only stare as the
> small girl stalked forward, suddenly thrusting her hands, knife-like,
> into Asakura Ryouko's back.  Asakura didn't seem to feel pain despite

Nagato: It's time to end this, Mister Anderson.

>     "I didn't think you would both become involved," she said, a
> trace of resignation in her voice.  "I had prepared for one of you,
> but not an alliance.  Even so, I did well trying, didn't I?"

Subtlety could have saved you. Granted, subtlety could have made this
fic a lot longer than it should, but in-story, you only have yourself
to blame, Ryoko.

>     "I really don't understand the organic concept of death," Ryouko
> said, shaking her head minutely in apology.  "I just wanted to see a
> change; I'd gotten bored observing a static subject."

Ryoko: (begins relaying the spiel of the Puppet Master from Ghost in
the Shell fame) ...What is a man?

Me: (whispers) Er, wrong speech! ^^;

>     "I will show you," Nagato Yuki whispered, producing a knife
> identical to the one Asakura had previously used.
>
>     "Nagato-san!" Oishi protested, trying to climb to his feet, but
> too slow -- the schoolgirl plunged the knife into Asakura's abdomen --
> the same place that Asakura had stabbed him ... and Kyon.

Ah. Apt. In order to explain to Ryoko the concept of death, Nagato
_demonstrated_ it. Hands-on.

>     Asakura allowed a shocked, amazed sound to escape her throat,
> eyes widening as she stared at the knife.  "It's incredible!" she
> choked out.  "I never knew....  Aaah!  Is this fear?  Amazing!  And
> organic life forms ... alway experience this?"  Somehow, Asakura found

Revise: alway --> always (typo)

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.

> it within herself to smile again, even as she sank to her knees.  "It
> hurts!"

Creepy Ophelia-like bitch and her Giygas-like cries.

Ryoko (as Giygas): It hurts! I'm happy! I feel so good!

>     Nagato trembled slightly, a tremor running from her feet upwards,
> until her hands shook.  Her voice was harsh, a sudden departure from
> her almost constant monotone.  "Did you enjoy making Kyon experience
> this?" she asked.

A rather early hint of emotion from Nagato. With that said, I'm
looking forward to KyoAni's interpretation of Disappearance. I hope
they learned their lesson and don't troll fandom again.

>     More tears flowed.  "I never knew," Ryouko murmured again.  "Ah!
> I wanted something interesting to happen!"
>
>     On his feet again, Oishi couldn't make himself take a step
> forward.  There was no mysterious force binding him in place, but he
> couldn't believe what he was seeing, didn't think they would tolerate
> his interference.

Suggest: seeing, didn't --> seeing ... didn't

Not a grammar correction, I just thought an ellipsis (the way you use
it) would be appropriate there. Feel free to disagree.

>     "Nagato," Emiri said slowly, ignoring Ryouko's form as it
> collapsed to the ground, the girl curling around her injuries, sobbing
> and laughing at the same time.

Now she reminds me of Sengoku Basara's Mitsuhide.

>     "Which of us," Ryouko gurgled out, giggling and crying together,
> "is hurt more?!  Ah!  This irony!  This agonizing, beautiful-"

As batshit crazy your portrayal of Ryoko turned out to be, she must've
been fun to write (I presume). She's certainly fun to hate and read
about. You've written a very fascinating "variations to the theme"
thing going on between Yuki, Emiri, and Ryoko, by the way.

>     "Be reasonable," Emiri said peaceably.  "We are not opposed.  Our
> goals do not run counter to one-another."

Revise: one-another --> one another

Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be
hyphenated, even though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't
leave those words hanging in mid-air!).

>     "For us," Emiri added.  "We require Asahina Mikuru.  Beyond that
> our immediate goal is keeping Suzumiya Haruhi safe from harm.  It is

Suggest: Beyond that --> Beyond that,

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
Parenthetical words, however, should be enclosed in commas.
> There wasn't even a remaining cut or stain on his shirt.  Her body was
> limp below, ringed with shards of the shattered window, and the heavy
> rain washed the blood seeping from her body into grim crimson halo.

Suggest: her body --> her (pet peeve; repetition of "body" in the same sentence)

Grammar Rule #9: Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies
endlessly over and over again.

>     "We believe that within the next forty-eight hours, possibly less
> if Suzumiya Haruhi is made uncomfortable, that this world will be
> destroyed."

Nagato: Or remade into a gag anime.

Belldandy and company: (nods in chibi-fied agreement)

>     "Additional, I'm going to need to bring someone else from my
> office in on this."

Revise: Additional --> Additionally

Because otherwise, the sentence sounds clipped and
Nagato-internal-narrative-like.

>     Oishi just shook his head and sighed again, as Akasaka burst into

Revise: again, as --> again as (methinks the comma adds an unnatural
pause there)

>     Alone in the club room, Haruhi stared across the top of the
> computer monitor.  A board was sitting at the table -- Kyon and
> Koizumi playing Othello, again, probably.  The pieces were set out, as
> though it had stopped mid-game, and the two had just stepped outside
> for a moment.  Steaming teacups in each of their places reinforced the
> image.

Reminds me of the setup of the story "Fool's Paradise" had it not been
possible to revive Kyon. ("Fool's Paradise" as in the story some
hypochondriac prince or whatever being tricked by his servants and
parents that he's in paradise, only to make him feel bored with this
so-called paradise).

>     A book sat on Nagato's seat, 'Paradise Lost', a bookmark sticking
> out from somewhere near the end.  She startled when the door suddenly

Revise: She startled --> She gasped / She was startled (because
"startled" is a state of being, not an action that can be done)

You _may_ have possibly broken this grammar rule:

Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

> opened, Nagato Yuki entering, then shutting it behind her.  "How are
> you here?" Haruhi asked, as Nagato took her seat, setting the book in

Revise: asked, as --> asked as

>     "Anything can happen in a dream," Nagato answered after a moment.
>
>     "Well, I was pretty sure it was a dream," Haruhi admitted,
> sighing, turning to stare at Kyon's empty seat.  "You using so many
> words gives it away for sure."

Heh. I like how savvy she is while in dream land. She savvier there
than in the real world.

Nagato: It is consistent with her character.

>     "Even so, in human psychology, dreams may have significance,"
> Nagato returned.
>
>     "What's this one about?  I don't get it ... why do I dream about
> Kyon being gone?  I want to dream about him being _back_!"

So this has become the Disappearance of Kyon of all a sudden?

>     "And why do I feel so numb?" she sighed, folding her arms on the
> desk in front of her, resting her head atop them.  "I should be angry
> ... or sad.  All I feel is ... empty.  Like someone managed to turn my
> emotions off."  After a moment, she added, "I guess that's not true.
> I still feel sad.  But I thought I should feel more."

Huh. Nagato's nanites can double as Prozac too?

>     There was a ripple in the color and texture of the dream, and
> from nothing, Kyon was suddenly sitting in the seat at the othello

othello --> Othello

Grammar Rule #76: Proper capitalization is the difference between "I
helped my Uncle Jack off a horse," and "I helped my uncle jack off a
horse."

That last rule actually came from (The Author Formerly Known as the
Eternal Lost) Lurker's sig a couple of years back. ^_~

Also: I kept feeling that this should have been the last chapter. I
mean, on the prologue, you mentioned that there were six chapters, and
we're only four chapters in. I have no idea how you're going to end
this series. (Shrugs) Here's hoping it doesn't look like the Lord of
the Rings movies, where they were confused about how to end it.

> board, looking at her with shining eyes.  "Haru-chan," he said in a
> deep, romantic voice.  "I love you!"
>
>     She sighed, shaking her head, and Kyon vanished.  "But that's not
> true," she grumbled.  "Kyon wouldn't do that.  Stupid idiot only likes
> Mikuru."

Heh. Well, if you hadn't given him a reason to like Mikuru (constant,
psychotic abuse and sexual harassment care of Haruhi), then none of
this would've happened. Probably.

>     Another image of Kyon formed, this one irate, arms crossed over
> his chest.  "Who are you calling stupid, you insane moron?" he
> snarled.  "You're the one fixated on impossible things!  Why wouldn't
> I prefer a big-chested airhead?"

Hehehe. Kyon as he exists in Haruhi's mind.

Kyon: (incensed) I'm doing what I'm doing to protect Mikuru's honor!

Haruhi: (eyebrow raised) The both of them?

>     Haruhi giggled, feeling something crash through those strange
> emotional barriers, tears filling her eyes.  "That's wrong, too," she
> choked out, as the momentary hilarity fled her.

Revise: out, as --> out as

>     Nagato didn't respond for a long moment, then she nodded, very
> slightly.  "Yes."
>
>     Haruhi grimaced, shaking her head again.  "I don't know if I like
> this dream."

It's reader's fanservice, if anything.

>     "But you can't bring people back from the dead ... can you?  You
> probably know the science stuff better than I do.  Or, hell, I know
> for sure you follow sci-fi better.  What does speculative fiction tell
> us can be done?"

Nagato: It's impossible for you to die if you're just popular enough.
Also, Land Before Time demonstrates that as long as even a few hundred
thousand people will watch, the story will go on and on even if
there's no point. But that's another tangent in the conversation.

>     Nagato answered without hesitation, "Scenario one: In
> contemporary human sciences, reductionism records the human mind as a
> series of electro-chemical impulses across the brain.  These can then
> be broken into chemical and electrical packages, explained by
> chemistry, and then physics.  However, it is commonly accepted that
> despite this, there is no sufficient technology on earth capable of
> rendering a functioning mind from the available data of those parts."

I do hope Nagato doesn't start talking about philosophical zombies.
Then we'll be here all day.

>     "So, we're all formulae?  And if we could get the precise formula
> for Kyon, we could recreate him?" Haruhi asked, raising an eyebrow.

Or you could: Get a time egg, obtain a phoenix down, use
fiction-powered cryogenics, clone him, go to the Spirit World and work
for the son of Enma Daio to fight demons and rescue ghosts, let an
alien entity merge with his soul, have a crossover with Marvel Comics,
not be Batman's parents or Spiderman's uncle, achieve Nirvana, screw
the rules and use money, wish it through some Dragon Balls, use the
sleeping Kyon in the room at the risk of making him a Schroedinger's
cat of sorts, eat the flesh of a mermaid, become the One, use
galvanism, get bitten by a vampire, get his double from another
dimension that's closest to his personality, use alchemy (but only if
it's a story written by Nobuhiro Watsuki), hope that the demonic
atavism in Kyon's blood activates, bury him in a cave with herbs and
spices, wait three days, and check for results... _or_ make Haruhi do
it, which is the simplest scenario of all.

>     "Yeah, you're right," Haruhi mused, frowning.  "After all, if I
> tried, it would merge with the holistic wavefront that represents
> _me_, right?"
>
>     Nagato's nod, again.

Suggest: Nagato's nod, again. --> Nagato nodded again.

I don't remember Haruhi being this... understanding of Nagato's
theories. Granted, maybe it's a novel thing again that I'm unaware of,
she could if she bothered, and she'll certainly want to bother at this
junction, but I do wonder if her sudden burst of technobabble and
theories beyond my ken has something to do with Nagato making her
dream this dream. (Thinks) It's probably even canon, and I'm basing
this unfamiliarity with this from my limited anime knowledge.

>     "So, first of all, I'd have to get his formula, anyway."
>
>     "If such an observation existed, accurate to the moment when his
> consciousness ceased, it would be recorded as a static value," Nagato
> added.  "The wavefront both changes via observation, and is in a
> constant state of flux while consciousness is active."
>
>     "Something really complex, like a Fourier transform on the
> standing wavefront?"

This is a regular occurrence in the novel, I gather? It's too bad that
these complex theories will only sound like technobabble to anime
viewers once chapters containing such concepts are finally animated,
but I do appreciate the underlying complexity. O_o

>     "Your own wavefront would be modified by proximity to those
> wavefronts around you," Nagato noted.  "Various overlaps, collisions,
> amplifying elements, converging elements-"
>
>     "Right, right," Haruhi sighed.  "Heisenberg and Schroedinger.

My brain: (explodes)

LOL. I love how Haruhi was out-thought by Nagato, and how Nagato is
probably simplifying things for even the genius-level Haruhi. I could
bother to read up, but then again, the beauty of technobabble with a
touch of consistent internal logic, a grain of truth, and speculative
physics that your audience is unfamiliar with is that these (we)
procrastinators would rather let you take reign and see where you want
to head with this story while their (our) brains simplify the influx
of information as "Science-y stuff Nagato needs to do in order for
Haruhi to whimsically bring Kyon back without her realizing it."

TL;DR Version: I have barely little to no idea what they're talking
about, but it sounds cool. ^_^ If there are people who do know what's
being talked about, I hope they enjoy it and not suffer from a bout of
being Dan Browned.

> The mere act of observation affects changes; until something is
> observed it's a series of multiple probability waves.  Only when
> observed do they actualize into reality.  Okay, so it's way too much
> math and science for our mortal minds to calculate.  You said scenario
> one, though, so what's scenario two?"
>
>     "Scenario two: time travel," Nagato answered.

Haruhi: Yeah, right. What's the third scenario?

Nagato: Scenario three: Arakawa route.

Haruhi: O_O Arakawa route? Why Arakawa? Who's Arakawa again?

Kyon: (blinks into existence) ...That's what I said! Why the hell is
there an Arakawa route in your H-Game, Nagato?

Haruhi: Kyon! (glomps Kyon, then German Suplexes him before he gets
any ideas) Yuki! The Arakawa route worked! ^_^

Warning: You'd have to watch the last episode of Suzumiya Haruhi-chan
no Yuutsu to understand this in-joke. Probably. Oh, and cigarette
smoking is still dangerous for your health.

>     "That's refreshing," Haruhi mused after a moment, sitting up
> straight again.  "Better than the wall of metaphysics.  Except that it
> poses a whole new and different series of physics issues, to say
> nothing of paradoxes.  I suppose we could go back in time, to when
> Kyon was....  A...anyway, we could swap him out for a clone, so that
> our comprehension of reality was unchanged."

Wow. She came up with that idea in just one second. Amazing. I do like
that they're bothering with physics and how to bend it and all.

>     "But that probably won't work," Haruhi continued, shaking her
> head, "unless you buy into the divergent time-line theory, in which

Revise: time-line --> timeline

> case time travel isn't really time travel, it's dimensional travel to
> alternate, yet similar realities.  If reality supports anything other
> than a stable time-loop, that's what it'd have to be."

On an unrelated note, I once read a sci-fi story once of a guy killing
his wife's other man multiple times via time travel and then tried to
alter history via the same means until he ceased to exist in the
physical plane. Turns out the only thing you destroy when you travel
back in time is your own being and how it's connected with the time
stream. Or something, he just turned into this weird ghost entity in
limbo afterwards.

>     Nagato nodded faintly.  "Scenario three: A being of sufficient
> power to recreate reality."
>
>     "I wish," Haruhi mumbled, tears springing to her eyes.  "But
> there isn't such a thing."

Heh.

>     "Power does not infer capability.  Assume that I had the ability
> to record a holistic standing wavefront, and also had obtained a
> recorded model of the wavefront that represents ... him.  Even with
> that data, I could not perform reassembly and expect satisfactory
> reintegration with our reality."

There are pros and cons of having our schoolgirl god not know she's
god. Pro is that our schoolgirl god doesn't know she's god, or even
actively denies it. Con is that you'll have to go through so much crap
in order to get the schoolgirl god to actually effect change because
of the frustrating fact that her own realism is holding her back.

>     "Yeah, sure, logic follows.  My waveform changes, the way my
> power works is altered."  Haruhi allowed herself a single, somewhat
> bitter laugh.  The science fiction conjecture of her dream did at
> least allow her to escape the grim reality she actually lived in,
> without being as insipid as _actually_ dreaming of Kyon.

In-character dream FTW? I particularly like the way the story of
getting Kyon revived is shaping out without necessarily resorting to
deus ex machina, which the original material also actively avoided
(somewhat... you know what I mean!).

>     Haruhi frowned, turning to stare at Kyon's chair.  The cup of tea
> at his seat still steamed.  "I'll believe in you," she said quietly.
> "I guess I couldn't really remember all of this, or else I'd really
> freak Kyon out by...."  She swallowed, feeling her cheeks warm up.
> "But, anyway, if you're a magical computer girl time traveler or

Heh. Just imagined Nagato and Mikuru doing a fusion dance.

(thinks) Nagato + Mikuru = Osaka? A cloud cuckoolander with brilliant
yet deranged insights from time to time?

Also: Magical girl time traveler! If Japan hasn't made a series based
on that,(for all I know, it could be a sixties anime) then they should
do so right away!

> whatever, and you do it ... you go back in time and fix this ... I
> want you to promise me that you use those powers to make sure Kyon's
> happy, no matter what."

Isn't that a poor choice of words? So you just want your beloved to be
happy, Haruhi?

Kyon: (happy to be with Mikuru and knowing more about her beauty marks
and the like)

>     "Maybe this dream isn't so bad," Haruhi said, before everything
> faded away to comforting darkness, as she had the vague impression of
> Nagato leaning towards her.

Revise: darkness, as --> darkness as

>     "I haven't observed Suzumiya directly since before Kyon was
> killed," Itsuki answered, shaking his head.  "But I believe that she
> knows he's dead, now, where she only suspected, before."

Revise: dead, now, --> dead now, (unnatural, stilted pause from the
misplaced comma, IMO)

>     She furrowed her brow, turning back to Itsuki to say, "Ah ... he
> says his handler let him know that the Organization -- or at least,
> parts of it, have had a recent altercation somewhere here, in
> Nishinomiya with the Tsuruya family."

Mori-san should teach Tsuruya another lesson, nyoro~n.

>     "What about when the Organization was fractured?" the woman
> asked.  "It would presumably be much harder to rally forces for such
> an effort, then, if there was intense infighting and no alliances
> could be certain."

Suggest (because in-character dialogue can be grammatically informal)
if there was --> if there were (subjunctive mood)

>     "So .. she probably wasn't a TFEI?" Itsuki asked, frowning.
>
>     "We can't know that for certain."

Ah, they're in the dark. As such, Rei-bot's faction is arguably the
strongest of the three.

>     Both of them spun as the lock turned, and the door swung open.
> Mori stepped in, carrying a plastic grocery bag, and quickly shut the
> door behind her.
>
>     She was wearing a nondescript outfit, and had her hair up in a
> bun, along with a pair of thick looking glasses.  She smiled, some
> tension seeming to fade from her when she saw Itsuki, and all three
> relaxed together.  "Welcome home," she said, kicking her shoes off and
> removing the glasses.  "I'll make something for us to eat."

(thinks) If she's the one that came home, shouldn't she be saying,
"I'm home"? I suggest her merely saying, "I'm home, and welcome back,
Itsuki," or something to that effect.

>     "Thank you," Mori allowed, as the older man took the grocery bag

Revise: allowed, as --> allowed as

>     Itsuki draped a hand across his eyes.  "Any good news?"

Itsuki: (doing bishonen pose #6)

>     "The detective she killed was Mizuno Aida, an Organization plant
> that wasn't allied with us.  For what that's worth."

Aw. Damn, Aida was killed? I barely knew her, but that sucks.

>     "Well, for now she's at the station house, but at some point
> later this evening, or tonight, she'll be transfered.  Unless Tamaru
> gets assigned to watch her, he won't know where."

Revise: transfered --> transferred (typo)

Suggest: evening, or --> evening or

>     "Hmm," Itsuki mused, pursing his lips.  "I didn't want to risk
> it, but....  For Suzumiya-san's safety," and for Kyon, "we may not
> have a choice.  What about bringing her here?"

LOL. Now I'm not so sure if the Itsuki-Kyon connection thing is so
unintentional.

>     "Confirmation that the Organization has Asahina-san," he
> answered, grimacing.  "And that something happened at the Tsuruya
> estate, but not the specifics of it, whatever it is."
>
>     "Well, I'll look into that, then," Mori said.

Mori: (unconsciously cracking her knuckles in preparation for the
unnecessary rematch with Tsuruya)

Tsuruya: (says her smaller counterpart's favorite n-word)

>     "I think it reflects Suzumiya-san's mood," Itsuki answered
> glibly.  "Though, there's no rain in closed space."  He took a
> sandwich, ate it without tasting it.  "Mori-san, Arakawa-san, I'm
> going to take a nap.  Once we know where Suzumiya-san is, exactly,
> I'll go get her."

Suggest: is, exactly --> is exactly (comma is making the sentence sound clipped)

>     After bringing an inappropriately over-sized task force to the

Revise: over-sized --> oversized (no need for the hyphen)

> scene of Ryouko's death, and returning the shaken Oishi to the station

Suggest: death, and --> death and

> remember them.  I'm not sure what they even are....  Well.  You've
> figured that I didn't really overpower Asakura, right?"
>
>     "It seemed likely," Akasaka agreed, leaning against the wall,
> studying the detective's back.

Cool. They're detectives through and through.

>     Akasaka rolled the words around in his mind.  Vampires?  In
> daylight?

Edward Cullen: Sparkling vampires? In my sunlight? It's more likely
than you think...

> Witch didn't seem to fit either.  Demon....  But then, what
> did he know?  She moved faster than a trained martial artist.

Unless the trained artist goes Super Saiyan, which is what most fanfic
does to Ranma during crossovers. (Thinks) Oh, wait. My bad. They turn
them into Suzumiya Haruhi gods, except they're aware of their
godliness. That spells conflict right there. 9_9

> station house and her apartment faster than emergency vehicles with
> sirens on," he said aloud.  It might not be _that_ far-fetched.

Farfetch'd: (Pokemon) Farfetch'd! Farfetch'd! Farfetch'd!

Revise: far-fetched --> farfetched (no need for the hyphen)

>     "I'm sure we'll find PCP or some other conveniently unlikely but
> plausible justification in her apartment," Oishi said sourly.  "When
> Asakura came down the hall, she was babbling about how ... how boring
> it was killing Ky--  That is, Student K.  Something about Suzumiya-san
> not reacting well enough to interest her.  The main thing was she

Asakura: I was expecting all of the things Abdiel-kun suggested in the
last concrit plus a Falcon Punch that will disintegrate the surviving
primordial soup. I am soooo disappointed with what actually happened.
^,^

...Okaaaaaay. With that said, the Falcon Punch is nothing against the
Mikuru Beam.

> ... witches or vampires.  But I also don't think PCP would honestly
> explain things.  And if she was on those kinds of drugs ... how was it
> that you fought her without her hurting you at all?"

...Because she'd be on PCP? It actually handwaves quite a lot of
issues, detective.

>     "This case isn't over until we find Asahina Mikuru," Oishi
> overrode him, shaking his head.  "Come with me; we're going to have a
> little discussion with ... Suzumiya-san in my office."

The lack of Mikuru-chan has been "taxing" on the levity of the fic,
although Haruhi's tsundere personality has helped a lot in making this
so-called "darkfic" less depressing for a variety of reasons (e.g.,
she's Reset Button incarnate, her dream about Kyon was hilariously
brilliant in that it's in-line with her characterization, and, true to
form, she doesn't angst about like Shinji Ikari about the depressing
situation, which I was kind of dreading in the first parts of the fic,
but know I see isn't going to be a problem).

>     She woke from he strange dream, feeling a blanket of lethargy

Revise: from he --> from the / from her (typo)

Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional
puns/homonym-type spilling mistakes because their usually hard to
fined using a spellchecker.

> pinning her in place on the futon.  Her eyes slowly drifted open, and
> in the evening gloom she saw Nagato kneeling on the side of the bed,
> looking down at her with an unreadable expression.

Suggest: gloom she --> gloom, she

>     Everything came crashing back at once; the comfortable emotional
> barrier of the dream was gone, and her eyes snapped shut again, tears
> welling within them.  Kyon was gone.  And no pseudoscience dream
> discussion was going to change that, no matter how much she might wish
> otherwise.

Dammit, she's like the Demiurge of Atheism in Stefan Gagne's Slayers
Demiurge; it must be hard for a so-called god to intrinsically not
believe in himself! :P

Haruhi: God of Atheism? Lolwut? Who's that, Richard Dawkins?

Yeah, and his only begotten daughter, Emma Watson.

>     Nodding wearily, Haruhi raised the glass to her dry lips and
> forced herself to swallow one mouthful after another, until the glass
> was empty.

Suggest: another, until --> another until

>     Nagato took it away and set it down, before her tiny hands

Suggest: down, before --> down before

>     Haruhi wanted nothing more than to curl up and wait for the rest
> of the world to go away ...

_Now_ I'm worried for them. O_O

>     Nagato's tiny hand brushed some strays hairs from her face.  "I
> am glad," the stoic girl whispered.

Revise: strays hairs --> stray hairs (number agreement, probably typo)

...I actually don't have a snarky grammar rule in regards to number
agreement problems. Huh. Got to fix that.

>     Tamaru's information placed Suzumiya in a detective's office,
> alone for the moment.  The detective was busy doing paperwork, or
> giving a statement, Itsuki wasn't certain.  He knew he had a window of
> opportunity, though, and he didn't want to waste it.

Suggest: opportunity, though --> opportunity though

Come to think of it, in your fic universe, unless something else
happens, all three factions represented by Koizumi, Nagato, and
Asahina are effectively going to go against each other soon.

>     Not that he expected to see anything but other espers, and if
> they were in this room, well....  He pushed that thought from his mind
> and glanced around.  A single desk, facing the door, a comfortable
> looking, imposing chair behind it.  Smaller, but still comfortable
> looking chairs facing it, a small table in the middle, covered with
> scattered paperwork.

Ah. _Now_ I'm sure the clipped sentences are for style. Kudos to a job
well done here; the sentences you used are evocative and capture the
fleeting, frantic thoughts of Koizumi.

>     He wasted no time, leaping to her side and grabbing her wrist.
> "Come with me," he cried urgently, hauling her to her feet and back

...If you want to live?

Itsuki: ...Get to the choppa? ^_^

You win this round, pretty boy.

>     Her hand gripped his tightly, and he felt something constrict
> about him, freezing him in place.  He stared, able to breathe, and
> blink, and allowed the freedom to move his mouth.  He was so stupid,
> he berated himself.  He could sense Haruhi's emotional turmoil, even
> though it felt sporadic, somehow ... suppressed.  But he felt
> _nothing_ from the girl who somehow held him immobile.
>
>     "You're not Suzumiya-san," he finally said aloud.

~Dun, dun, DUUUUUUUUUUUUN!~

>        ---------------------------------
>     Author's notes: I kind of liked the Yuki/Haruhi discussion....

MC Hammer: ~Doorooroo--Stop. GRAMMAR TIME!~

Summary of Broken Grammar Rules:

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes. (Watch out
for the way you spell "transferred")

Grammar Rule #9: Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies
endlessly over and over again. (Again, more of a suggestion than a
correction)

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
Parenthetical words, however, should be enclosed in commas.
Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be
hyphenated, even though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't
leave those words hanging in mid-air!).

Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional
puns/homonym-type spilling mistakes because their usually hard to
fined using a spellchecker.

Grammar Rule #76: Proper capitalization is the difference between "I
helped my Uncle Jack off a horse," and "I helped my uncle jack off a
horse."

Hmmm. Lots more broken grammar rules this time around. Thankfully,
most of them are isolated incidences. Anyway, that's what the FFML is
for, right? Editing first drafts. It's a shame there are many mistakes
this time around, because IMO this is the best chapter by far! ^_^

As for the story itself: You were able to pull off a trademark Haruhi
genre shift. Congratulations. ^_^ I have no idea what direction this
fic is going (save for the general intent of saving Kyon's life), and
that's a good thing; it promises to be awesome all the same. :) And
here I thought the death of Asakura was enough to finish this
miniseries of sorts. It was an interesting turn of events. I
particularly like the fact that the story isn't using the deus ex
machina route despite, y'know, being about a deus ex machina of sorts.
Wasn't that what made Haruhi such an interesting to watch all those
years ago? I think so.

I was afraid it was going to drag, but so far I was impressed with the
way you handled Asakura's death scene, Nagato's reaction, the fuzz's
confusion, and in-character/out-of-character knowledge management.
Hell, Itsuki's a lot less pissed off in this chapter, so he's acting
(AFAIK and AFAIC) more like himself than before. It's a great chapter.
A shame it has to have so many grammatical errors, but I'll take
grammatical errors in exchange of trite-reading "Meh" fics or
"GAAHHH!" fics any day. ^_^

Keep on writing,
Abdiel

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"When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering to
tell you anymore, that's a very bad place to be. Your critics are the
ones telling you they still love you and care."