[FFML] [Haruhi] [Dark] Error in Calculation: Chapter Four

[Brian Randall]

2010/3/16 Chester Castañeda <chester.castaneda at gmail.com>:
> Hello. I'm Abdiel, and here's my lengthy EULA of sorts made by
> Benjamin A. Oliver:

Greetings once more!

> Let's see what you have in store for your readers this time around.

Let's shall.

>>     Note: Yeah, you know exactly how this chapter was going to open.
>> I'm not fooling anyone. :)
>
> (clueless) Ryoko dismembering Haruhi School Days style?

Hmmm.  School Days/Haruhi fusion ... except, Kyon's not a big enough
jerk to bring that upon himself.

> Huh. I expected Haruhi ending the world. Say what you will about bad
> writing, but having Haruhi reset the world is one of the easiest ways
> to write an ending. ^_^

Even so: Take the path of most resistance!

>>     Too stunned to do anything else, Oishi could only stare as the
>> small girl stalked forward, suddenly thrusting her hands, knife-like,
>> into Asakura Ryouko's back.  Asakura didn't seem to feel pain despite
>
> Nagato: It's time to end this, Mister Anderson.

Ryouko: Please, skip the 'causality' speech and just kill me?

> Subtlety could have saved you. Granted, subtlety could have made this
> fic a lot longer than it should, but in-story, you only have yourself
> to blame, Ryoko.

Kyon: Yes, because she's such a subtle person.
Ryouko: *stabstabstab*

> Ryoko: (begins relaying the spiel of the Puppet Master from Ghost in
> the Shell fame) ...What is a man?
>
> Me: (whispers) Er, wrong speech! ^^;

Ryouko: Nothing more than a miserable pile of secrets!
Er, still the wrong speech....

>>     "Nagato-san!" Oishi protested, trying to climb to his feet, but
>> too slow -- the schoolgirl plunged the knife into Asakura's abdomen --
>> the same place that Asakura had stabbed him ... and Kyon.
>
> Ah. Apt. In order to explain to Ryoko the concept of death, Nagato
> _demonstrated_ it. Hands-on.

Kintaro Oe: So educational!

>>     Asakura allowed a shocked, amazed sound to escape her throat,
>> eyes widening as she stared at the knife.  "It's incredible!" she
>> choked out.  "I never knew....  Aaah!  Is this fear?  Amazing!  And
>> organic life forms ... alway experience this?"  Somehow, Asakura found
>
> Revise: alway --> always (typo)
>
> Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.

Oops; thanks for catching that.

> Creepy Ophelia-like bitch and her Giygas-like cries.
>
> Ryoko (as Giygas): It hurts! I'm happy! I feel so good!

* You cannot grasp the true form of Ryouko's attack!
Kyon: I'm pretty sure that's an umbrella handle.
Achakura: ;_;

> A rather early hint of emotion from Nagato. With that said, I'm
> looking forward to KyoAni's interpretation of Disappearance. I hope
> they learned their lesson and don't troll fandom again.

Well, by all accounts the movie was awesome, and had great music, too.
 Fuel for Yuki-fanboys.  No idea how long it'll be before we see it,
though.

>>     On his feet again, Oishi couldn't make himself take a step
>> forward.  There was no mysterious force binding him in place, but he
>> couldn't believe what he was seeing, didn't think they would tolerate
>> his interference.
>
> Suggest: seeing, didn't --> seeing ... didn't
>
> Not a grammar correction, I just thought an ellipsis (the way you use
> it) would be appropriate there. Feel free to disagree.

No, I like it.  I'll go with it; thanks.

> As batshit crazy your portrayal of Ryoko turned out to be, she must've
> been fun to write (I presume). She's certainly fun to hate and read
> about. You've written a very fascinating "variations to the theme"
> thing going on between Yuki, Emiri, and Ryoko, by the way.

It probably says something about me, but I really like the interfaces
as characters.  Ryouko was kind of fun to write, but I also felt I was
selling her a bit short at times....

> Revise: one-another --> one another

Gotcha.

> Suggest: Beyond that --> Beyond that,
>
> Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
> Parenthetical words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

Hmm.  Not sure how I missed that.

> Suggest: her body --> her (pet peeve; repetition of "body" in the same sentence)
>
> Grammar Rule #9: Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies
> endlessly over and over again.

First instance becomes form.

> Nagato: Or remade into a gag anime.
>
> Belldandy and company: (nods in chibi-fied agreement)

Haruhi: Not in the mood for a gag anime.  But while Oishi and Akasaka
are here ... Higurashi-time!
Kyon: Can I be the Magician of Words?
Haruhi: No, you're obviously Satoshi.
Kyon: *twitch*
Tsuruya: Dibs on Sh/Mion, nyoro~!

> Revise: Additional --> Additionally
>
> Because otherwise, the sentence sounds clipped and
> Nagato-internal-narrative-like.

Oops!  Not sure how I missed that.

> Revise: again, as --> again as (methinks the comma adds an unnatural
> pause there)

Done.

> Reminds me of the setup of the story "Fool's Paradise" had it not been
> possible to revive Kyon. ("Fool's Paradise" as in the story some
> hypochondriac prince or whatever being tricked by his servants and
> parents that he's in paradise, only to make him feel bored with this
> so-called paradise).

Fascinating; I'll have to check that out.  For now I can only find the
silent movie and the Oingo Boingo song.  Oh, and the track from the
Trigun OST.

> Revise: She startled --> She gasped / She was startled (because
> "startled" is a state of being, not an action that can be done)
>
> You _may_ have possibly broken this grammar rule:
>
> Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

I think my usage is valid ... but hopelessly archaic.  Will change to
'flinched'.

>> opened, Nagato Yuki entering, then shutting it behind her.  "How are
>> you here?" Haruhi asked, as Nagato took her seat, setting the book in
>
> Revise: asked, as --> asked as

Done, but I get the sense that this also requires that 'her' to become 'a'.

> Heh. I like how savvy she is while in dream land. She savvier there
> than in the real world.
>
> Nagato: It is consistent with her character.

I have this theory that in reality, the SOS Brigade have screwed up
and revealed everything to Haruhi multiple times -- but knowing what
she is and being limited only by her own imagination is BORING, so she
always resets things, because in reality she's vicariously enjoying
the unusual through Kyon.

Hmm.  Should write that as a spamfic.

>>     "What's this one about?  I don't get it ... why do I dream about
>> Kyon being gone?  I want to dream about him being _back_!"
>
> So this has become the Disappearance of Kyon of all a sudden?

Kyon: I'm pretty sure it's been that for a few chapters now.
Ryouko: Oh, I know _exactly_ where you are.

> Huh. Nagato's nanites can double as Prozac too?

You have this strange penchant for noting things that I hint at in one
chapter and spell out in a later chapter.  Mayhap the clue-by-four is
too heavy...?

> othello --> Othello

Got it.

> Grammar Rule #76: Proper capitalization is the difference between "I
> helped my Uncle Jack off a horse," and "I helped my uncle jack off a
> horse."
>
> That last rule actually came from (The Author Formerly Known as the
> Eternal Lost) Lurker's sig a couple of years back. ^_~

Yeah, it always made me >_< to see it in his sig, too.

> Also: I kept feeling that this should have been the last chapter. I
> mean, on the prologue, you mentioned that there were six chapters, and
> we're only four chapters in. I have no idea how you're going to end
> this series. (Shrugs) Here's hoping it doesn't look like the Lord of
> the Rings movies, where they were confused about how to end it.

This story has a few subtle deviations from canon that might actually
give you a better idea of what's going on.  The key point is that
Nagato mentions that time-travel is relatively simple, and the IDTE
exists outside of space AND time.

I'll leave it at that for now.

>>     She sighed, shaking her head, and Kyon vanished.  "But that's not
>> true," she grumbled.  "Kyon wouldn't do that.  Stupid idiot only likes
>> Mikuru."
>
> Heh. Well, if you hadn't given him a reason to like Mikuru (constant,
> psychotic abuse and sexual harassment care of Haruhi), then none of
> this would've happened. Probably.

Haruhi: It's not constant!  Merely very frequent.
Mikuru: *sob*

I still find it strange that Haruhi asks Kyon if he wants to feel
Mikuru up during her introduction.  Given her later attitude....

> Hehehe. Kyon as he exists in Haruhi's mind.
>
> Kyon: (incensed) I'm doing what I'm doing to protect Mikuru's honor!
>
> Haruhi: (eyebrow raised) The both of them?

In the novels, when Haruhi is first 'inspecting' Mikuru in the club
room, Kyon intervenes only when Haruhi tries to investigate beneath
Mikuru's skirt.

> Revise: out, as --> out as

Gotcha.

>>     Haruhi grimaced, shaking her head again.  "I don't know if I like
>> this dream."
>
> It's reader's fanservice, if anything.

Tee-hee? :p

>>     Nagato's nod, again.
>
> Suggest: Nagato's nod, again. --> Nagato nodded again.

Drat; I had liked that one for style.

> I don't remember Haruhi being this... understanding of Nagato's
> theories. Granted, maybe it's a novel thing again that I'm unaware of,
> she could if she bothered, and she'll certainly want to bother at this
> junction, but I do wonder if her sudden burst of technobabble and
> theories beyond my ken has something to do with Nagato making her
> dream this dream. (Thinks) It's probably even canon, and I'm basing
> this unfamiliarity with this from my limited anime knowledge.

Strangely, even though Koizumi is specifically in a class for students
who excel at physics/math (and he loves psychology and philosophy),
Haruhi is regularly shown to both understand whatever he tries to
discuss (frequently so well that it's 'boring' to her), and be able to
explain it to Kyon better.  Kyon remarks frequently that he doesn't
know where she's learned some of the stuff she knows, as he doesn't
remember it from class at all (then immediately goes on to admit that
he usually sleeps or zones out through math classes, anyway).  Despite
all that, she doesn't mind helping Kyon with his homework when his
grades start failing.  And throughout the entire canon, Yuki never
speaks to anyone but Kyon unless they initiate the conversation, so
Haruhi has never been exposed to Yuki's more verbose moments (such as
they are).

>>     "Something really complex, like a Fourier transform on the
>> standing wavefront?"
>
> This is a regular occurrence in the novel, I gather? It's too bad that
> these complex theories will only sound like technobabble to anime
> viewers once chapters containing such concepts are finally animated,
> but I do appreciate the underlying complexity. O_o

Fourier transforms specifically?  No.  Complex terminology that I have
to wikiwalk for hours to grasp being used as casual comparisons by
Kyon in narration despite his claims of not being that intelligent?
Yes; constantly.

>>     "Right, right," Haruhi sighed.  "Heisenberg and Schroedinger.
>
> My brain: (explodes)
>
> LOL. I love how Haruhi was out-thought by Nagato, and how Nagato is
> probably simplifying things for even the genius-level Haruhi. I could
> bother to read up, but then again, the beauty of technobabble with a
> touch of consistent internal logic, a grain of truth, and speculative
> physics that your audience is unfamiliar with is that these (we)
> procrastinators would rather let you take reign and see where you want
> to head with this story while their (our) brains simplify the influx
> of information as "Science-y stuff Nagato needs to do in order for
> Haruhi to whimsically bring Kyon back without her realizing it."
>
> TL;DR Version: I have barely little to no idea what they're talking
> about, but it sounds cool. ^_^ If there are people who do know what's
> being talked about, I hope they enjoy it and not suffer from a bout of
> being Dan Browned.

I actually did my homework for this section!  Probably around 80%
original research, and 20% "steal from the best" (thank you, Dan
Simmons).

But I'm glad it worked for you. :D

> Nagato: Scenario three: Arakawa route.
>
> Haruhi: O_O Arakawa route? Why Arakawa? Who's Arakawa again?
>
> Kyon: (blinks into existence) ...That's what I said! Why the hell is
> there an Arakawa route in your H-Game, Nagato?
>
> Haruhi: Kyon! (glomps Kyon, then German Suplexes him before he gets
> any ideas) Yuki! The Arakawa route worked! ^_^
>
> Warning: You'd have to watch the last episode of Suzumiya Haruhi-chan
> no Yuutsu to understand this in-joke. Probably. Oh, and cigarette
> smoking is still dangerous for your health.

Haven't watched it, but I remember reading the same storyline in the
Haruhi-chan manga.

> Wow. She came up with that idea in just one second. Amazing. I do like
> that they're bothering with physics and how to bend it and all.

Her interests lie in meeting time travelers, right?  Stands to reason
she's done what homework she could about it.  You caught the Chrono
Trigger reference, right? ;)

>>     "But that probably won't work," Haruhi continued, shaking her
>> head, "unless you buy into the divergent time-line theory, in which
>
> Revise: time-line --> timeline

Got it.

> On an unrelated note, I once read a sci-fi story once of a guy killing
> his wife's other man multiple times via time travel and then tried to
> alter history via the same means until he ceased to exist in the
> physical plane. Turns out the only thing you destroy when you travel
> back in time is your own being and how it's connected with the time
> stream. Or something, he just turned into this weird ghost entity in
> limbo afterwards.

That sounds vaguely familiar ... vintage 70's/80's sci fi at at its best.

> There are pros and cons of having our schoolgirl god not know she's
> god. Pro is that our schoolgirl god doesn't know she's god, or even
> actively denies it. Con is that you'll have to go through so much crap
> in order to get the schoolgirl god to actually effect change because
> of the frustrating fact that her own realism is holding her back.

Kyon: I've got pro skills at this.
Koizumi: Pro enough to work while dead?
Kyon: You can do it, Nagato!

> In-character dream FTW? I particularly like the way the story of
> getting Kyon revived is shaping out without necessarily resorting to
> deus ex machina, which the original material also actively avoided
> (somewhat... you know what I mean!).

Thanks. :D

> Heh. Just imagined Nagato and Mikuru doing a fusion dance.
>
> (thinks) Nagato + Mikuru = Osaka? A cloud cuckoolander with brilliant
> yet deranged insights from time to time?

Kafuka Fuura: Hmmm?

> Also: Magical girl time traveler! If Japan hasn't made a series based
> on that,(for all I know, it could be a sixties anime) then they should
> do so right away!

...you know what?  I can't think of it being done!

>> whatever, and you do it ... you go back in time and fix this ... I
>> want you to promise me that you use those powers to make sure Kyon's
>> happy, no matter what."
>
> Isn't that a poor choice of words? So you just want your beloved to be
> happy, Haruhi?

Haruhi: I'm genre savvy, but I've got no reason to expect that Nagato
is ACTUALLY a literal genie.

> Kyon: (happy to be with Mikuru and knowing more about her beauty marks
> and the like)

Haruhi: I should have revised that to 'make sure Kyon's able to make ME happy'.

>>     "Maybe this dream isn't so bad," Haruhi said, before everything
>> faded away to comforting darkness, as she had the vague impression of
>> Nagato leaning towards her.
>
> Revise: darkness, as --> darkness as

That really doesn't flow, even if it's grammatically correct.  Dropped
the comma and changed the 'as' to an 'and'.

Still seems a bit awkward, but probably better.

> Revise: dead, now, --> dead now, (unnatural, stilted pause from the
> misplaced comma, IMO)

Gotcha.

>>     "What about when the Organization was fractured?" the woman
>> asked.  "It would presumably be much harder to rally forces for such
>> an effort, then, if there was intense infighting and no alliances
>> could be certain."
>
> Suggest (because in-character dialogue can be grammatically informal)
> if there was --> if there were (subjunctive mood)

Eh, she's supposed to be very good at Japanese, so I'll go with it.

> Ah, they're in the dark. As such, Rei-bot's faction is arguably the
> strongest of the three.

Nagato: "Arguably"?

>>     She was wearing a nondescript outfit, and had her hair up in a
>> bun, along with a pair of thick looking glasses.  She smiled, some
>> tension seeming to fade from her when she saw Itsuki, and all three
>> relaxed together.  "Welcome home," she said, kicking her shoes off and
>> removing the glasses.  "I'll make something for us to eat."
>
> (thinks) If she's the one that came home, shouldn't she be saying,
> "I'm home"? I suggest her merely saying, "I'm home, and welcome back,
> Itsuki," or something to that effect.

...wow, that's an epic typo. >_<  Yeah, not sure what I was thinking.
Should be "I'm home."

>>     "Thank you," Mori allowed, as the older man took the grocery bag
>
> Revise: allowed, as --> allowed as

Gotcha.

> Aw. Damn, Aida was killed? I barely knew her, but that sucks.

Aida: I'm a guy!

> Revise: transfered --> transferred (typo)
>
> Suggest: evening, or --> evening or

Gotcha.  Unless otherwise noted I went with your comma-related advice.

>>     "Hmm," Itsuki mused, pursing his lips.  "I didn't want to risk
>> it, but....  For Suzumiya-san's safety," and for Kyon, "we may not
>> have a choice.  What about bringing her here?"
>
> LOL. Now I'm not so sure if the Itsuki-Kyon connection thing is so
> unintentional.

Heh.  Yeah, dropped the ship-tease.  Not sure why I put it in.

> Suggest: is, exactly --> is exactly (comma is making the sentence sound clipped)


>>     After bringing an inappropriately over-sized task force to the
>
> Revise: over-sized --> oversized (no need for the hyphen)

Drat.

>>     "It seemed likely," Akasaka agreed, leaning against the wall,
>> studying the detective's back.
>
> Cool. They're detectives through and through.

Akasaka: I'm also a badass martial artist in my own canon!
Kyon: How'd that work out for you against Ryouko?

>> Witch didn't seem to fit either.  Demon....  But then, what
>> did he know?  She moved faster than a trained martial artist.
>
> Unless the trained artist goes Super Saiyan, which is what most fanfic
> does to Ranma during crossovers. (Thinks) Oh, wait. My bad. They turn
> them into Suzumiya Haruhi gods, except they're aware of their
> godliness. That spells conflict right there. 9_9

The Inevitable Ranma 1/2 Crossover of Suzumiya Haruhi.

...I'll plot it out and see what comes up.

> Farfetch'd: (Pokemon) Farfetch'd! Farfetch'd! Farfetch'd!
>
> Revise: far-fetched --> farfetched (no need for the hyphen)

Gotcha.

>> ... witches or vampires.  But I also don't think PCP would honestly
>> explain things.  And if she was on those kinds of drugs ... how was it
>> that you fought her without her hurting you at all?"
>
> ...Because she'd be on PCP? It actually handwaves quite a lot of
> issues, detective.

Oishi: HER being on PCP doesn't make me hallucinate that showdown.

> The lack of Mikuru-chan has been "taxing" on the levity of the fic,
> although Haruhi's tsundere personality has helped a lot in making this
> so-called "darkfic" less depressing for a variety of reasons (e.g.,
> she's Reset Button incarnate, her dream about Kyon was hilariously
> brilliant in that it's in-line with her characterization, and, true to
> form, she doesn't angst about like Shinji Ikari about the depressing
> situation, which I was kind of dreading in the first parts of the fic,
> but know I see isn't going to be a problem).

I never really saw Haruhi as tsundere.  That'd be an overt admission
of her feelings, after all.  Aside from which, if she can't go
deredere, she's just straight up ... what ... tsungenki?  Is that even
valid?

>>     She woke from he strange dream, feeling a blanket of lethargy
>
> Revise: from he --> from the / from her (typo)

Whoops....

>>     Nagato's tiny hand brushed some strays hairs from her face.  "I
>> am glad," the stoic girl whispered.
>
> Revise: strays hairs --> stray hairs (number agreement, probably typo)
>
> ...I actually don't have a snarky grammar rule in regards to number
> agreement problems. Huh. Got to fix that.

Typo indeed.

> Ah. _Now_ I'm sure the clipped sentences are for style. Kudos to a job
> well done here; the sentences you used are evocative and capture the
> fleeting, frantic thoughts of Koizumi.

Excellent; thanks.

>>     He wasted no time, leaping to her side and grabbing her wrist.
>> "Come with me," he cried urgently, hauling her to her feet and back
>
> ...If you want to live?
>
> Itsuki: ...Get to the choppa? ^_^

*snicker*

> Hmmm. Lots more broken grammar rules this time around. Thankfully,
> most of them are isolated incidences. Anyway, that's what the FFML is
> for, right? Editing first drafts. It's a shame there are many mistakes
> this time around, because IMO this is the best chapter by far! ^_^

Yarr.  Dropped the ball pretty badly on comma use and hyphenation,
though.  Typos-a-plenty, too.

> As for the story itself: You were able to pull off a trademark Haruhi
> genre shift. Congratulations. ^_^ I have no idea what direction this
> fic is going (save for the general intent of saving Kyon's life), and
> that's a good thing; it promises to be awesome all the same. :) And
> here I thought the death of Asakura was enough to finish this
> miniseries of sorts. It was an interesting turn of events. I
> particularly like the fact that the story isn't using the deus ex
> machina route despite, y'know, being about a deus ex machina of sorts.
> Wasn't that what made Haruhi such an interesting to watch all those
> years ago? I think so.
>
> I was afraid it was going to drag, but so far I was impressed with the
> way you handled Asakura's death scene, Nagato's reaction, the fuzz's
> confusion, and in-character/out-of-character knowledge management.
> Hell, Itsuki's a lot less pissed off in this chapter, so he's acting
> (AFAIK and AFAIC) more like himself than before. It's a great chapter.
> A shame it has to have so many grammatical errors, but I'll take
> grammatical errors in exchange of trite-reading "Meh" fics or
> "GAAHHH!" fics any day. ^_^

Great; thanks muchly for taking the time to comment and correct.  As
always, your effort is greatly appreciated  :)

I even delayed the next chapter to incorporate any changes I might
make based on your advice....  I will proofread one last time and post
as soon as I get back home; on that note, I'm late. >_>;;

> Keep on writing,
> Abdiel

-- 
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.florestica.com/brandall/
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.