[FFML] [Haruhi][WAFF] The Courtship of Suzumiya Haruhi chapter 3

[Brian Randall]

This story didn't really go anywhere ... but I think this is pretty
much the end of it.  Just gotta wrap it up neatly with an epilogue, or
a forced-feeling dramatic-tension arc.  Bleah.

I remembered to label it what it was, though!


     The Courtship of Suzumiya Haruhi

	Chapter three: In which progress is an option, not a mandate.

	A 'Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi' fanfiction.

	Note: This fic is a sequel to The Blunt Force Trauma of Suzumiya Haruhi.

	Disclaimer: The novel 'Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuutsu'/'The Melancholy of
Suzumiya Haruhi' is the creation of Nagaru Tanigawa.  I do not know
the producers yet, but the animation company responsible is Kyoto
Animation.  No disrespect is intended by the posting of this
fanfiction, as I do not own the characters or settings involved.  I'm
merely dabbling with another set of paints.  ;)
	---------------------------------
     After the last period finishes, we're released to club
activities.  No longer a member of the Going Home Club, Kunikida
descends into the depths of an economic nightmare to pursue his
Eimi-chan.  I probably shouldn't care ... no, it would be more
accurate to say I don't care, really.  I wish him the best, but
economics bore the hell out of me.  As a friend I _should_ care, but
things between him and Yamada seem to be going just fine.

     I can imagine his growing, stereotypical highschool romance
proceeding with only the merest of bumps and hiccups as he and Yamada
build their relationship.  Given that Kunikida's academic scores are
as good as they are, I'm sure he'd have no trouble being the economist
that Yamada seems to be interested in.

     All the same, that strikes me as a very, very boring relationship.

     Maybe more of Haruhi has rubbed off onto me than I thought?  Of
course, speaking of the Brigade Chief....

     "So what's gotten into you lately, anyway?" she asks, eyeing me
over the top of the computer monitor, when I take my usual seat.

     The girl in a maid outfit sets a hot teacup before me, her eyes
wandering between myself and Haruhi slowly.  Yuki is sitting in the
corner reading a new thick book, 'The Complete Fionavar Tapestry', but
Koizumi hasn't show up yet.

     I'm not complaining about that last part.

     "Gotten into me?" I ask, trying to keep some of the irritation
off my face.  "You're the one who gets into things, Haruhi.  I'm just
passing time until Saturday."  Glancing between Mikuru and Yuki, I
ask, "Yuki-chan, is your place still going to be okay?"

     She slowly looks up, then turns her face back to her book.
"Fine," she says in that whisper-soft voice.

     Haruhi's eyes narrow in suspicion.  "I mean you and Kunikida,"
she clarifies, waggling a finger at me in warning.  "You're trying to
hide something?"

     This from the person hiding most of her face behind the computer
monitor?  "Just respecting Kunikida's privacy," I respond.  "It's not
important."

     "Then spill!" she says, sitting up straight, her eyes demanding,
her face speculative.

     Should have figured we'd never make it to telling ghost stories.
"It's nothing spectacular," I assure her.  "He's trying to date a girl
in the Economic Studies Club."

     "We have that club?" Haruhi asks in surprise.  "I must have
skipped it....  Anyway, that sounds incredibly boring."

     A nervous feeling.  I try to ignore it, but say: "I agree.  But
Kunikida really likes this girl, I think."  I shrug.  "That's all."

     "Oh," Haruhi sighs, frowning.  I have the impression she's not
that upset, but that's when Koizumi enters.

     "I apologize for being late," he says, wearing that smile,
carrying his bag in one hand and a thick story book in the other.  He
bows slightly to Haruhi as he makes his apology.  "More research
today?"

     "Eh, no need," Haruhi says, shaking her head.  "We can just read
the stories straight from the books."

     Koizumi's smile fades, and he looks at his book forlornly.  "I
see," he says, before his face brightens, and a more genuine seeming
smile appears.  "What shall we do today, then?"  He takes his normal
seat across from me and starts setting up a chess board.

     I don't particularly care for chess, honestly, but Koizumi went
out of his way to teach it to me, so I dutifully help him finish
setting up the pieces, and offer him first move.

     "I want to come up with a new activity," Haruhi says
speculatively, twirling a pen between her fingers and slowly spinning
her chair in place.

     "Ghost stories are off already?" I ask, unable to keep one
eyebrow from ticking.  Koizumi winces too, giving me an apologetic
look.

     "Don't be stupid," Haruhi says in a surprisingly placid tone.
"After that."

     "Himeji castle?" I ask.

     "I suppose," she says slowly, unenthusiastically.  "I haven't
ever been before, I mean."

     Koizumi and I stare at the board in thoughtful silence.  After a
heartbeat of thought and a glance at Haruhi while she's facing away, I
shuffle several pieces on the board around, so it at least looks like
we're thinking of moves.  Koizumi nods slightly, then offers a broad,
careless shrug.  Like this doesn't matter, somehow?

     "It could be fun," I say, finally, dismissing the board and
turning in my seat to face Haruhi, who is now staring pensively out
the window.  "Didn't you want to see Okiku's well?"

     "Kinda," she mumbles.  "Ah, nevermind.  I'll come up with something."

     She turns around and crosses her arms on the desk, lowering her
face and hiding behind the computer monitor.  Koizumi and I exchange
worried glances.

     But as always in these times, I can find nothing to say.

     Shaking my head, I take a piece of note paper from a pad on the
white board, glancing at Haruhi and scribbling out a quick message.
Mikuru and Yuki-chan watch me curiously, while Koizumi thoughtfully
ponders Haruhi's elbows and a bit of her hair, all that's visible
behind her cover.  I put Mikuru's name on the note and gesture to her.

     Mikuru stares at me, hesitantly reaching for the note, when
Haruhi's voice suddenly breaks the tense silence, and we all freeze
nervously.  "Hey ... Yuki ... what's that book about?"

     Now shaking, Mikuru takes the note and hides it in her maid
costume's apron pocket.

     Yuki turns her eyes back to the still open book.
"Inter-dimensional travelers, magic, an evil force escaping
confinement," and here I think I detect the merest pause, "one man's
self-sacrifice for the good of the world, and a man who dares to love
a goddess."

     "Hmm," Haruhi muses, her face still in her arms.  "Is it any good?"

     "It has received several rewards and is critically acclaimed."

     Haruhi lifts her head up and shoots Yuki a dour look.  "No, no
... that's not what I asked!  I wanted to know if it was _good_," she
grumbles.  "Do you like it?"  She sits up straight, eyeing the shorter
girl.  "Geez, do you like anything?"

     Yuki-chan's eyes turn to me.  "Yes," she says softly, before they
turn back to her book.

     "Bleah," Haruhi grumps sinking back to her desk.  After the
silence stretches on for a long, uncomfortable minute, she mumbles,
"Can I borrow it when you're done?"

     "Yes," Yuki-chan whispers.

     I stare at the chessboard listlessly, then shake my head.  "You
win," I announce, flicking over my king, even though we haven't made a
legitimate move the entire time.  "Let's play something else.
Something with dice.  Or cards."  I don't usually lose as bad, there.

     "Um...." Mikuru says hesitantly, "what about Uno?  We could all
play that, right?  Uh, Suzumiya-san, did you want to join us?"

     Yuki closes her book abruptly and sets it next to Haruhi's head,
then moves her chair over to the table to join in.  Haruhi startles,
sitting up and surprised to see the book already.  "Yeah, sure," she
says, smiling weakly.

     ***

     When club ends, Haruhi hasn't really cheered up much, but she's
pretending to not be bothered.  After she dismisses us, leaving first,
we all remain behind in the clubroom.

     After another minute or two of silence, I rub at my right temple
and ask Koizumi, "How bad is it?"

     He looks a bit guilty and spreads his hands.  "I feel nothing,"
he answers.  "There doesn't appear to be any backlash."

     What?  "Really?"

     "I don't think I would joke about this," he says with a sigh.
"I'm at a loss for what's going on, but I feel no closed space
forming."

     Yuki-chan stares, occasionally blinking but offering no insight.

     Mikuru's face turns a bit pink after she reads my note.  "Um ...
I'd like to talk to Kyon-kun ... alone?" she asks shyly.

     Yuki-chan's gaze turns to Mikuru before she blinks, and her eyes
go to me.  "Understood."

     "Well, then," Koizumi says with a shrug.  "I trust I'm leaving
this matter in capable hands.  Good luck!"  With that, he and
Yuki-chan depart, leaving only Mikuru and I together in the club room.

     I occasionally regret not taking more time to enjoy being
Mikuru's boyfriend in that other world.  When she sits demurely next
to me, smoothing out her maid outfit's apron, she glances at my face,
then looks away.  "S...so, this note," she says quietly, "what's going
on, Kyon-kun?"

     "Ah, Mikuru-chan," I say, wincing.  "Um ... Yuki-chan actually
suggested I should talk to you.  For advice on something."

     "Oh!" she says, cheering up instantly.  "If there's anything I
can give you advice on, of course!"

     I'm going to hate myself in a few seconds.  "S...so, it's about
Haruhi," I start, loosening my collar.

     Mikuru's smile remains bright, and she nods.  "Okay," she says.
"What's going on?"

     Tripping over my tongue with admissions I hate to make to myself,
I tell her, "I'm ... trying to ... er ... that is...."  I trail off
and palm my face.  This is hard.  "First of all, if I say too much, or
you don't want to listen, just let me know, alright?"

     Her smile fades to a look of consternation.  "Why wouldn't I want
to help you, Kyon-kun?"

     "Well ... did Haruhi look downcast to you today?"

     "It would be hard to miss," Mikuru admits.  "Why?  Did you say
something to upset her?"

     "No!  Of course....  Well.  Maybe?  If I did, I don't know what
it is, though."

     She nods sympathetically.

     "Anyway, um, Mikuru-chan, I'm trying to figure out how to ... eh
... ask Haruhi ... to date me, I guess," I manage, my face heating up.
 I can't meet her eyes when I say this; I am the lowest class of
cowards.

     I hear her take a deep breath and sigh.  "Well, good," she says
after a brief pause.  "I'm happy for you!  And her, too....  But what
did you need my help with?"

     A sidelong glance shows that Mikuru's smile has faded, and she's
looking out the window thoughtfully.  "I don't know how to say it," I
grumble.  "I know that I have to, but this is Haruhi we're talking
about."

     "Y...you don't _have_ to," Mikuru says hesitantly.

     "Well, I know I have a real choice in the matter, but I feel I
should."  And yeah, I do have those grudgingly admitted feelings for
Haruhi.  I won't voice them in front of Mikuru like this, though; that
would just be cruel.

     "You lo....  You like her, right?" Mikuru asks abruptly, turning
to peer into my eyes.

     "Eh....  Um, well...."

     Mikuru shakes her head, smiling wistfully.  "You don't need to
try and hide it, Kyon-kun.  In that other world ... well.  I remember.
 But you have to admit it to yourself before you can admit it to her."

     "Would ... coming out and admitting it to her really be for the
best?" I wonder.  "Just like that?  Wouldn't that be a bit sudden?"

     "Don't be silly!  You should know she already cares for you!
That's why ... she chose to believe that you saved her."

     True enough.  Haruhi could overpower me physically, if she were
so inclined; the idea that I could defeat Taniguchi, when he
overpowered her, was an error in logic.  Yet, that's what she chose to
believe.  Or, as Koizumi told me once, she chose to believe in _me_,
and the explanation for it simply came into place after....

     That must be it.  "You're right," I realize aloud.  I still don't
think I want to say those words in front of Mikuru, but I can at least
think them truthfully: I care about Haruhi very deeply.  I want to
protect her, and I want to be at her side.  And when I remember that
closed space, nearly a year ago now, where I told her that I believed
in this world, and wanted to stay a part of it....

     ...I think my life would have become empty if she had gone on and
somehow left us behind.

     "Even though the truth is I could never have done it without you,
and Yuki-chan, and Koizumi," I add.

     Mikuru shakes her head, the wistful smile turning sadder.  "I
think you could have," she says.  "If you had to.  Even I can admit
that it was probably always going to be you and her."

     I ponder for a moment, then ask, "Is that ... knowledge you have
from your superiors?"

     "That's classified," she tells me, her smile returning.  It
vanishes again shortly.  "Mostly, in that other world ... I was being
selfish.  I can try and argue that it was because I was just trying to
make Suzumiya happy, but that wasn't true."

     That hurts ... but not nearly as badly as I expected.  Still,
trying to be sympathetic, it can't be easy for her to speak about
this, either.  Why did Yuki-chan think this was going to be a good
idea...?

     "Hey, Kyon-kun, I think you'll be okay," she says encouragingly.
"I believe in you, after all!"

     "Will you?" I ask worriedly.  "Be okay, I mean?"

     Her head shakes as she bows it.  "That doesn't matter," she says
softly.  "Someday I'll have to return to my own timeplane.  Things
will be different there.  That's why ... I say it was selfish of me."

     It wounds my heart to acknowledge that.  But it's true;
Mikuru-chan will have to go, some day ... she's only a visitor here.
"Even if we don't....  That is, even if what happened in that other
world isn't 'real', I still treasure it," I tell her.  "It may have
been scary, and a near thing, but even if you think I didn't care
about you there, I'm grateful that I had you.  And because of that....
 When you have to go, I will miss your friendship."

     Mikuru smiles brightly, unshed tears in her eyes.  "I'll treasure
those memories, too, Kyon-kun.  But don't let it weigh on you.  Even
if we aren't together, we _will_ always be friends, right?"

     I nod, my own vision mysteriously wavering.  I miss the blur of
motion, so it catches me by surprise when Mikuru darts her head
forward and kisses me on the cheek.  "I ... should go before I do
anything more selfish," she adds, bowing apologetically before I can
gather my wits.  "Take care of yourself, Kyon-kun."

     And then she leaves, and I spend an hour staring at the table,
trying to think.

     Putting aside the overwhelming sense of euphoria that Mikuru left
me with, I still haven't actually gotten any advice on how to actually
ask Haruhi out.  I'm sensing a recurring theme, and I don't think I
want to bother asking Koizumi.

     Not that it'll stop him from telling me anyway.

     ***

     I'm still a bit tired when I arrive at the train station.  For
some reason, Haruhi is waiting for me, tapping one foot and frowning.
"Good morning," I mumble at her.

     "Where were you yesterday?" she asks immediately, falling into
step beside me.

     "At school, then home," I answer, furrowing my brows.  "I did
hang back in the club room for a while, though.  Why do you ask?"

     "I wanted to talk to you," she says, looking away and starting
the hike up the hill.  "I waited here until I saw your friends show
up!  Kunikida and Yamada ... ugh!"

     "What's wrong with them?" I ask.  I can't imagine Kunikida doing
anything outlandish.  In fact, him managing to catch Haruhi's
attention as anything other than an extra body to use in one of her
adventures is nothing short of astounding.

     Haruhi makes a disgusted noise.  "Love is a mental illness," she snaps.

     I've never liked that viewpoint.  "Everyone gets sick on
occasion," I tell her, shrugging.  "You told me that even you get
'those feelings', once."

     "W...well," Haruhi mumbles, her energy abruptly stripped away.

     She walks beside me pensively, and I try a new tack.  "Hey,
Haruhi, could I ask you a question?"

     "Huh?  Of course!" she says quickly, shifting her shoulders and
looking away from my face.  "What about?"

     "I don't mean to bother you, but you never did tell me about that
dream you mentioned."

     Even though her face is turned away, I can see her shoulders
droop a little.  "Which one?" she asks.

     There was more than one?  Of course, the closed-space incident
was so long ago....  But maybe I shouldn't be surprised that she still
remembers that.

     After all, I do, too.

     "When you were in the hospital," I say quietly.

     "Some dream," she grumbles, turning her face forward and shaking
her head.  "Half nightmare.  It....  Ah, I don't want to talk about
that."

     "Alright," I say with a shrug.  In all honesty, I may remember it
better than she did.  Still, I had hoped for maybe some hints or
suggestions on how to proceed.  Probably searching in vain ... I'm
getting a feeling that I'm on my own in this one.  "What did you want
to talk about, then?"

     "About Himeji castle," she said with a frown, glancing across to me.

     "You didn't seem interested in going yesterday," I say, frowning
back slightly.  "Something wrong with it?"

     "N...no, I just thought, um, it might be more effective if we
only took the Brigade Chief and the ghost story expert to investigate
it," she mumbles.  "But I don't want everyone else to feel left out.
I mean, Koizumi would probably bore us all to tears with a cultural
lecture, and Mikuru would probably start to cry as soon as any mention
of ghosts was brought up...."  She shakes her head vigorously.  "No,
it'd be a bad idea -- just the two of us should go, and we shouldn't
let the others know about it."

     "Ah," I say, nodding.  That sensation of an opportunity lost,
again.  If I just sit idly by, without the courage to declare or ask
anything of Haruhi, she's probably going to get tired of me.  And here
she is, covertly setting up an 'investigation' with just the two of
us?

     I'll play along for now, though.  She didn't mention Yuki-chan or
any reason to exclude her, so I won't bring it up either.

     "What day were you thinking?"

     "It's not too far," she said thoughtfully.  "We could probably do
it in a day ... but I want to make it an overnight trip."

     In the back of my mind, this is because she really _does_ want to
break into the castle at night, to see if Okiku really says anything
from the well.  "Just the two of us?  Where would we stay?"

     "Don't worry about it too much," she says quickly, "I'll have
that covered."

     This sounds more like her typical meddling.  I'm not sure I want
to know the specifics ... even though I expect there will be hell to
pay for it later.  "Okay.  So, the weekend after this?"

     She nods quickly.  "Yeah, that'll work."

     Then we say nothing else until we reach the top of the hill.  In
all truth, these silences are becoming more comfortable than I had
expected.  I don't get the impression that she's more upset or
irritated, even if I think she has been acting a bit moody lately.  In
any case, what could I do?

     ***

     By the time lunch rolls around, Haruhi has gone back to her
normal self enough to run off ... wherever it is she always goes
during lunch.  Class is otherwise without event, and when the club
begins, Haruhi seems content to jot down some notes from the internet,
not letting anyone see the monitor.  All-in-all, it starts like a
fairly average day in the club room, except that Mikuru's in her
uniform instead of the maid outfit.

     Which is probably just as well, given our last discussion.

     When Yuki-chan closes her book and Haruhi says, "Okay, don't
forget, Yuki's place tomorrow, and make sure you get enough sleep
ahead of time!" that's the end of it.

     Other than one last, unreadable glance at me, she rushes out
without a word.

     It doesn't happen that often, usually, that Haruhi leaves the
four of us in the club alone.  And most of the time when it does
happen, it's because she's planning something -- though, even then,
she usually only goes out of her way to hide things from me.

     I stretch my arms and study the board between Koizumi and myself.
 "Your game," he decides, before we start cleaning up the game pieces.

     Time to leave before he tries to corner me to give me advice.

     "Oh, Kyon-kun," he asks, as I start to rise, "could I trouble you
for a word?"

     Like bad scenes in B-movies, it was inevitable.

     "Yeah, sure," I say, sighing.  Mikuru rushes out quickly, just
pausing long enough to collect the teacups.  Yuki-chan walks out of
the clubroom at a more sedate pace, her footsteps silent.

     I stretch my neck a few times and stifle a yawn.  "So, what's going on?"

     "Nothing horribly serious," he says, his ever-present smile in
place.  "But, as I suggested, I asked ... certain people in the Agency
for advice.  I strongly expect that at this point, even though it is
my job to watch Suzumiya-san, you know better.  Even so, I can't help
but feel I've been left out of the advice-giving process, hmm?"

     I blink at him a few times, considering the implications of this.
 Interestingly, his Agency can give him information on who I've talked
to, but he has guessed wrong about what we actually spoke about.  I
guess that means there's no recording devices hidden in the club room.
 For once, his blind spot is a reassurance to me.

     "I'm all ears," I tell him in a calm voice.

     He seems a bit taken aback, but chuckles anyway.  "Well, I just
want to try and help, Kyon-kun.  This is Suzumiya-san, after all."

     Can't begrudge him that, I suppose.  "Speaking of that, how bad
has closed space actually been lately?"

     "Only three instances the week after the incident," he says with
a shrug.  "Your discussion a few days ago had us on edge, but nothing
actually came of it.  Should I be aware of anything?"

     "Probably," I say, throwing his own shrug back at him.  And, hey,
why not some words, too?  "This is Haruhi, after all."

     "Touche," he says, bowing his head slightly.  "In that case,
given my esteem for you ... Mori-san suggests that you speak from the
heart."

     Mori, Mori, Mori ... that name sounds familiar.  Wait, the maid
during the island mystery adventure?  She's a member of the Agency?
Actually, that makes sense.  "Well, that sounds fine."

     "Other than that, the best advice I heard was to be truthful."

     "As truthful as I can," I mutter.

     "That's wonderful," Koizumi says, nodding, his grin still
perfectly in place.  "Now, if it's not too much to ask, what sort of
timeframe did you have planned?"

     I stare at him, blink a few times, then shake my head.  "This
isn't the kind of thing you rush, Koizumi.  Well.  Maybe it is.  But
it's not the kind of thing _I_ do."

     He winces, hands raising, palms outward.  "Fair point," he says,
shaking his head.  "I apologize."

     "Let's just assume it was your superiors who were demanding that
answer," I tell him, rising from my seat.

     "I-"

     "Let's just assume."

     He actually looks embarrassed.  "It's none of my business.  The
Agency....  Well.  I apologize again, Kyon-kun."

     "Anyway, I'll see you tomorrow.  Take care."

     I leave, while he lowers his hands to the table and broods.  I'm
going to do whatever it is that I do because I choose to, not because
some Agency would find it helpful to their causes.

     ***

     Saturday's club activity is going to be in the late evening, so I
actually take Haruhi's instructions to heart and sleep in.  Right up
until the dreaded little-sister-elbow-slam knocks the wind out of me,
anyway.  "Kyon-kun!" she chirps, shattering any remaining dreams.
"Breakfast is ready!"

     "Go 'way," I mumble.  Or something along those lines.  It does me
no good, however, and shortly she's gleefully hauled me out of the
bed, away from the comforting warmth of the blankets....

     When I finally climb to my feet so we can go brush our teeth, I
remark, "Today's not even a school day."

     "So?" she asks, before snatching the toothpaste tube from my hands.

     There's no reason to clarify the remark to her.  But I'm awake,
and shortly thereafter we finish breakfast.

     She immediately claims the downstairs television and starts
playing one of her puzzle games.  For myself, I ponder what to do with
the day.

     More homework doesn't sound fun, even if I haven't finished it
all.  Preparatory work for the storytelling tonight doesn't sound very
interesting either.  I also realize that I've done nothing to counter
the inevitable ghost that will appear when Haruhi gets bored with the
ritual.  Then again, if it haunts Yuki-chan's apartment....

     ...on second thought, there's probably not much to worry about.
I should check with her afterwards, though.

     Still, this is time to reflect and plan.  I should be responsible
with my time.

     And if I can't plan for talking with Haruhi, I should do the
responsible thing and finish my homework.

     That thought in mind, I move to the couch and tap my sister's
shoulder.  "Hand me the other controller."

     I'm not the greatest fan of video games, but they're a great way
to kill the time.  In almost no time at all, it seems, I stop because
my phone is ringing.  A check of the display tells me who's calling --
Haruhi, of course.  The sun's still out, and it's several hours before
we're supposed to be at Yuki-chan's, though.

     Still, she gets angry if I make her wait, so I flip open the
phone.  "Hello?"

     "Kyon, come meet me at the train station by Yuki's place!"

     "Why, I wonder?"

     "Just hurry!"

     Of course, she's already hung up.

     Sighing, I get up and grab my overnight bag from my room before
heading out.  "Hey," my little sister starts to protest, seeing that
I'm going somewhere without her.

     Time to dash!

     ***

     I ride my bike to the train station as quickly as I can, winded
by the time I screech to a halt and see Haruhi there, tapping a foot
impatiently while standing next to a sizable cardboard box.  Out of
her school uniform, Haruhi tends towards more tomboyish clothing,
though I have seen her wear dresses from time to time.  Today is a red
skirt and a white blouse.

     She raises an eyebrow when I sit there, probably making a fool
out of myself.  Before she can yell at me, I unsling the bag from my
back and ask, "What's in the box?"

     "Candles, of course.  You're going to carry them."

     There's quite an irony in her being stronger than me, but
demanding I do all her menial labor anyway.  After a bit of fussing, I
mostly balance the box on the back of my bike's rack, and she produces
some cords to tie it in place.  I briefly wonder if she had brought
them specifically because she expected me to bring my bike, or if she
had some darker plan I wouldn't want to know about?

     "I'm surprised you were awake," she remarks, once I'm pushing the
bike along and she's walking next to me, swinging her own overnight
bag idly.

     What's that supposed to mean?  "Nice to see you, too."

     She shoots me a sidelong glance, then smirks.  "I want to get an
early start, so we don't miss our window of opportunity.  But I also
don't want to get too many short stories and then need to wait for who
knows how long to make sure the timing is right."

     "You want to finish between two and three in the morning, right?"

     "Yeah ... you're the ghost story expert, though, so tell me, do
you think it'd ruin things if we did something else with our time
between stories?"

     Something else ... crap.  I didn't remember to pack a single
board game.  Typical.  I'm sure Koizumi will have something; he always
does.  "Probably not," I answer.  Of course, the entire mood will be
destroyed if we take time out to play games.  Not that I particularly
care.  If she doesn't get into the mood for trying to make a ghost
appear, then hopefully we won't have to deal with it.  "I'm sure the
important thing is the candles."

     "Good," she says, seemingly reassured.  "Once we drop our stuff
off at Yuki's, we can finish picking up the rest of the supplies for
tonight."

     Great, more wandering aimlessly.  "What will we need?"

     "Well, if we're all going to be using Yuki-chan's place, it only
seems fair to make dinner for everyone."

     This logic never seems to apply to my home, Haruhi.  Then again,
Haruhi knows that Yuki lives alone, and my mom is rather generous with
things like tea and snacks.

     Or just doesn't trust us alone.

     Ech, where did that thought come from?

     "Makes sense," I say.  So far, this is going pretty well.  Haruhi
hasn't snapped, yelled, or gotten noticeably disappointed with me yet.

     I wonder how long it'll last.  Anyway, it won't do to let Haruhi
see that I know how to use the intercom system and call Yuki's room,
so while she tries to beat compliance out of the console, I chain my
bike up and untie the box of candles.  By the time I'm finished,
hauling the heavy box to the doorway, Yuki-chan has just entered the
command to open the door.

     Shortly, Haruhi and I are shoulder-to-shoulder in the elevator,
and then walking to the entrance to Yuki-chan's apartment.  Yuki-chan
wordlessly opens the door and lets us in after Haruhi knocks.  "So,"
Haruhi says by way of greeting, looking around, "this is your place?"

     The only furniture in the room is the kotatsu.  There are no
decorations on any of the walls, except for the winter curtain hung
over the large window.  "Yes," Yuki-chan answers.

     "Sorry about being early," I tell the quiet girl.  I'm guessing
Haruhi didn't bother to say we were coming early....

     "No problem."

     After I set down the box, Haruhi shakes her head a few times.
"Well, okay," she finally decides.  "Hey, Yuki, you don't mind if we
use your kitchen, do you?"

     "I don't mind."

     "Then it's decided!  Oh, but, since you're hosting, what are you
in the mood for?"

     Yuki-chan blinks once, then answers, "Curry."

     Haruhi looks annoyed.  "That's so generic!"  She looks about
ready to start another tirade, then thinks better of it.  "Hmm, maybe
that won't be too bad ... we'll just make a bunch of side dishes!"

     "You're going to make a huge mess in her kitchen?" I ask.

     "It's no problem!  You're not cooking, so you can clean up after us!"

     "As long as you don't burn anything, it won't be as bad as
washing the dishes after my little sister," I grumble.  Though, mom
made breakfast today, which was a nice escape.

     "Right!  Okay, Kyon, let's go to the market."

     And like that, I'm dragged along with Haruhi.  She's much more
animated, talking excitedly about the different things she can make
until we leave the lobby of Yuki-chan's apartment, but honestly, even
though I like her, I just tune it out.  Haruhi in excited mode is ...
well, Haruhi, I guess.  Sometimes it's nice to just follow in her wake
and see what happens.

     Anyway, she breaks off whatever she was saying to me to call
Mikuru and find out what side dishes she wants to make.

     I can imagine Mikuru struggling to answer something that's
appropriate, and Haruhi yelling that it's boring, and then immediately
replacing it.  But instead, Haruhi seems pleased with what she hears
and agrees to pick up some ingredients for her.  After Mikuru, she
calls Koizumi.

     Then she seems satisfied, having gathered everyone's opinion
except for mine.  She's in a good mood.  I should be careful not to
ruin it.

     "There's a market just around the corner," she tells me, pointing
down the street.  I remember it ... that's where we encountered
Yuki-chan returning with her dinner the day that Haruhi tried
investigating Asakura Ryouko's disappearance.

     There's a person I hadn't thought of in a while.  I had Ryouko,
and Yuki-chan saved me.  And Haruhi had Taniguchi ... and believes I
saved her.

     "Oh," she says, almost as an afterthought, glancing at my face
and then looking away, "well, I guess since I forgot to ask what you
wanted, I'll let you choose what we have for desert."

     I raise an eyebrow and blink at her.  Hmm, what does she like, anyway?

     ***

     I'll spare you a minute-by-minute account of everything that
happened in Yuki-chan's apartment once everyone gathered.  It was
relatively straightforward -- Haruhi, Yuki-chan, and Mikuru cooked
dinner for everyone.  Afterwards, Koizumi and I did the dishes while
the girls changed into their pajamas, then Koizumi and I changed --
separately, thank you very much.  After that, we played games until
late in the evening before setting up the candles.

     We were arrayed around the table with Haruhi and Yuki-chan
sharing one side, me on the side by Haruhi, Mikuru opposite me, and
Koizumi opposite Haruhi and Yuki-chan.  The candles had been placed in
a big circle around us, with the bulk of them on the table.  I'm not
sure where Haruhi found candles that would burn long enough, but
somehow she had.

     Note, these candles are heavy when you have one hundred of them in a box.

     At any rate, despite my predictions, Mikuru actually held up
pretty well, only cowering through the first thirty or so ghost
stories.  She fell asleep first, and Haruhi waved it off.  At story
seventy five, Koizumi finally succumbed to slumber.  Haruhi shook him
awake for another story or two before he slipped back into sleep
again.

     I wanted to sleep, too.  At exactly one in the morning, Yuki-chan
abruptly lay down and either slept, or pretended to sleep.  I couldn't
tell, but Haruhi just sighed and shook her head.  Eight stories to go.

     Rubbing at my eyes, I take the next book from the stack.  "These
candles aren't enough to read by anymore," I mutter.

     "And everyone else is asleep anyway," Haruhi sighs.

     I look up at her face, soft and glowing golden in the
candle-light.  "Tired?"

     "Not really," she says, shaking her head.  "Well.  A little.  But
that's okay, we had fun, right?"

     Haruhi ... giving up?  Well, giving up on my idea, not hers.
Then again, it _was_ actually pretty fun....  Trying to out-spooky
Koizumi was a futile task, but with Mikuru asleep, it was worth a
shot.  Some attempts ended up being just plain silly, but then again,
maybe I'll get out of this without having to deal with a ghost after
all.

     "Yeah," I answer her.  "You sure you don't want to finish?  We
can come up with just eight by ourselves, even without the books,
right?"

     "It's fine," she says.  "We'll wake them up."

     I may have suggested that when Haruhi looks angry, she's
occasionally cute.  I may also have said that Haruhi looks defeated
and vulnerable, she's enticing in her own way and tugs at my
heartstrings.  But watching her look down at the sleeping brigade
members with that soft smile, I have to say this in all honesty:

     Haruhi is never as lovely as when she shows concern for her
friends.  Her smile is softer, affectionate; there's a hidden warmth
in her eyes she almost never reveals, and even without the candles I
believe she faintly glows.  While I think that, she climbs up from her
seat at the table, careful not to disturb Yuki-chan, and grabs
blankets and pillows from the pile in the corner.  After that she
covers Yuki-chan and Mikuru, gently lifting their heads to place them
on pillows.  She even gives Yuki a warm, sisterly pat on the head.

     That done, she tosses a blanket half across Koizumi, then grabs
two more before blowing out the candles.  "Come on," she whispers,
tugging me after her.

     "Where?" I manage, before I realize she's headed to the door.

     "The roof!" she says quietly.  She gives me an annoyed look when
I stop to put on my jacket, because I'm not exactly thrilled about the
idea of climbing to the roof of the building in just my pajamas.  But
this is Haruhi -- you try telling her 'no'.

     I dare you.  I'll even wait.

     I thought so.

     Obviously enough, we make it to the roof, and at this hour no one
is around to see us, though we're in such a rush I didn't even have
time to close my jacket properly.  A break in the clouds shows the
sliver of the moon, but everything is lit with the silvery glow of the
city lights, reflected back from the cloud cover anyway.  She shivers
slightly, then wraps her blanket around herself.  Staring off into the
sky, where the stars are all hidden, she asks me quietly, "Hey, Kyon?"

     "Hmm?"  I wrap my blanket around myself as well, trying not to
think about how cold my ankles are.

     "What ... do you think of me?"

     That's direct.  I stare at her for a long minute, not able to
form a solid answer.  Even before she asked me that question -- months
ago, in fact -- I tried answering that question to myself.  Well, not
quite exactly that question.  But what is Haruhi to me?  What answer
does she want to hear?  What's the truth?

     At this point, I'm so confused, I'm not even truly sure.

     She turns to look at me, and the universal silver glow from the
clouds reflects from her eyes.  "You can't answer, can you?" she asks
me dully.  "Geez ... I ... never mind."  She turns away and bows her
head.  The cover overhead drifts across the tiny sliver of moon, and a
chill breeze rises.

     "I'm terrified," I finally answer her, revealing the truth in a
sudden epiphany.  She flinches, hunching in on herself.

     "I....  Is that ... so?" she asks, her voice stiff.

     "I'm terrified that I'll mess things up," I force out.  "That
I'll answer your questions wrong, say the wrong thing....  That I'll
finally annoy you so much that you lose interest in me.  That...."  I
sigh, shaking my head.  "I don't know what to say.  I never have."

     She turns back to me slowly, eyes downcast.  "Am I so difficult?"

     "That's not the word," I disagree.  She shivers, raising her face
to look directly at me.  "I mean ... no, you can be.  But that's not
the problem.  If you weren't the way you were, you wouldn't be you."

     "So, there's a problem, then?  That's what you're saying?"  Her
eyes shift to one side, glimmering in the strange half-light of
Nishomiya's skyline.  "I guess I'm too strange after all...."

     And just like that.  The wrong words.  I should have put money on
not being able to say things right.  "Maybe it's just that I'm a
coward," I admit, dropping my gaze to the rooftop below us.  A stray
flake of snow drifts down.  "I know you're interested in ... other
things, and humans are boring.  And I'm just a normal human, after
all.  So...."

     "Y...you idiot," she grumbles.  "You already asked me once, you
know?  I told you, I'd ... give anyone a chance."

     "And then you asked me if I was an alien, or an esper," I
counter, smirking.

     "Didn't think you'd remember that so well," she admits with a
smile, shivering again.

     "Hey, it's really cold out here -- we should go back inside."

     "I don't want to," she says, her eyes still looking away.  "Not yet."

     I've stumbled this far, somehow.  And all of it is stumbling,
blind guessing, and having no real plan.  A glance to the side shows
more snow coming down.  What, is Haruhi going to stay out here and
freeze if I don't manage to confess to her?  Fine, I'll seize the
initiative.

     I toss my blanket down against the wall of the stairwell housing,
then grab Haruhi's hand.  She protests, but doesn't resist (or
overpower me, which she easily could) as I make her sit down on my
blanket, and we share hers and my jacket.  "What's all this about?"
she asks, her face turned away.

     "Didn't you say it was my job to protect you?"

     "Yeah....  But I want you to be honest, Kyon."  She shifts
slightly next to me.  "Tell me the truth.  You ... like Mikuru, don't
you?"

     "What?  Where did this come from!?"  Not the question I expected
once I managed to finally get us into....

     "You asked about my dream, when I was ... in a coma," she
mumbles.  "And in my dream, it was all about ... you being in love
with Mikuru.  You didn't have any room in your heart for me."

     I put one arm around her shoulders, and she shifts a bit more,
suddenly nervous.  "If I hadn't met you, I might be able to fall in
love with Mikuru," I answer.  "But I did meet you."

     She looks at me sharply, then away.  "So...."

     "I'm not in love with Mikuru," I say, picking my words carefully.
 I do love Mikuru; it's hard not to.  She's beautiful, and I feel an
uncontrollable desire to protect her when she's in danger.  What I
feel for Haruhi, though....

     "Anyway," I continue after a moment of thought, "despite all of
that, and as much as it scares me ... I want you to know something."

     "What's that?" she breathes.

     "I can't imagine a world without you in it," I tell her.  "I
don't mean the SOS Brigade without a president.  I'd miss everyone if
they went away, but I'd live, if the girl who sits behind me in class
is still there to be so cheerful and curious."

     She bows her head, a shiver or shudder passing through her.  A
sound like a hysterical sob escapes her.  Before I can try and
apologize, or understand what I've done wrong, she shifts to lean
against me, curled beneath the blanket with her head nestled against
my chest.  The chill of the air around us seems somehow distant, even
in the lightly drifting snow thanks to our shared warmth.

     "I don't understand you," she mumbles.  "I try my hardest, but
even if you call yourself a normal person....  I don't know.  Somehow,
ever since I met you, you've been there for me.  When I was despairing
the dumb clubs in our school, you gave me the idea to make things
better.  When I got depressed, I even _dreamed_ about you.  On the
island ... you were the one that solved the mystery for me.  You saved
me from Taniguchi, and in m...my coma, you were the one who showed me
the way out.

     "And then, after all that, you just sit on the sidelines and make
snarky comments ... and I wonder if you even care."

     "I do," I tell her, earnestly, hugging her tightly to myself,
unable to deny the surges of relief that flow through me; it's good to
finally be this close.  Suddenly, I'm not at all jealous of Kunikida's
boring, stable romance as it buds.

     She sniffles again, pinpricks of warm moisture seeping into my pajama top.

     "Ah ... don't cry, Haruhi!" I protest, my moment of singular
clarity and joy shattered with that sudden certainty I've managed to
botch things again.  Even the image of Koizumi waking up downstairs in
a panic to deal with closed space doesn't comfort me.  I have nothing
clever to say about how bad I feel right now.  Suffice to say it is
very lousy indeed.  "Please, no matter what happens, I always want to
be there for you!  I don't know what a boring, normal person like me
can do for you, but I'll do whatever I can -- no, whatever it takes!"

     "You idiot," she whispers, though her voice sounds light even
with her tears.  "I don't want that.  I want the Kyon that's aloof and
confident; the one that isn't swept away when I am.  The anchor that
pulls me back to the earth when I go too far.  Even I can admit I get
carried away...."

     The relief returns, but this mood-whiplash is going to tear me to pieces.

     "E...even so," I say, stumbling over my words a bit, "I want to
be more than that to you.  Even if I am terrified of upsetting you."

     "I'll tell you a secret," she says, her voice muffled slightly as
she turns her face into my chest, though she's stopped crying.  I pull
the blanket around us more tightly.  "I told you once that I don't
always have so much confidence in my abilities...."  If only you knew,
Haruhi.  If only you knew....

     But Haruhi's sudden overwhelmingly cute vulnerability here has
catalyzed some reaction within me.  I can't say anything silly or try
my usual dismissive deadpan humor here.  "I can't imagine why," I tell
her, one hand rising to smooth her hair down as another chill breeze
swings past, bearing more shining snowflakes around the rooftop.

     "You're braver than I am," she mumbles.  "I couldn't admit how
scared I was of saying the thing that finally made you mad enough to
really walk away forever ... not without hearing it from you first."
She giggles then, pushing away from me a tiny bit to peer up at me,
her eyes shining in the dimness of the hour.

     I smile down at her.  "I'm not sure how admitting I'm scared
makes me brave, but if it lets me stay with you, then I'm happy
anyway."

     "Stupid Kyon," she murmurs, her smile widening as her eyes drift
shut, and her lips purse slightly.

     I steel myself, and my own eyes drift shut as I place a tender
kiss on her lips.  The contact is soft and warm; her mouth tastes
sweet, and a tingle of something like electricity surges between us.
She finally breaks the kiss, her shadowed face even darker with (I
think) a blush.  My own face is warm, probably glowing like a
space-heater in the late-night snowfall.

     She squirms around a bit, sitting in my lap and leaning her head
into my shoulder.  "Aren't you supposed to ask me out?" she finally
says, her voice teasing.

     "I'm pretty sure we have the order of things all mixed up," I
answer her.  "And I could never think of a way to ask you out that was
special enough for you.  So, I figure I'll just pretend to be
oblivious until you set things in motion."  I give a falsely confident
judicial nod at that.  "That way I can never get in trouble for doing
it wrong."

     She giggles, then expands into peals of real laughter at that.
"You're so stupid!" she says, when she finally calms down.  "But, if
you're really telling the truth about always being there for me, fine.
 I'll lead."

     "You always have."

     "Hmm, what's with that attitude?  Talking back to your brigade
chief like that-"

     "What brigade chief?" I ask.  "This is two highschool students.
I don't want to change the way we are in the club ... don't you think
that would make everyone else feel awkward?  I'm sure they'll see it
anyway, but we can at least be polite."

     I will note I'm not blind here; Haruhi is offering to change how
she treats me in the brigade.  But changing the dynamic that much, so
quickly....  I'm partially afraid of the risks, and partially, well, I
just don't want to see Haruhi try and change herself that much for me.
 I care about Haruhi, and maybe it would be nice to see her calm down
a little, but she's been doing that on her own at a good pace.  I
don't see any reason to try and make her pretend to be someone else in
the meantime.

     "Hmm," she muses, pushing away from me to stare into my eyes, one
fingertip rising to trace the line of my smirk.  A shiver runs up my
spine when she does that, and it's not from fear.  "That's silly.  But
kind of romantic ... and maybe it'll be fun.  But I wanted to give you
a penalty!"

     "Yeah, I thought so."

     "Humph!  I thought I was supposed to be leading?"

     "You are!  I'm just anchoring you in place.  What would happen to
the club if we were just using it as an excuse to....  Er....  Well,
anyway."

     "Hehe," she giggles, leaning back into me again.  "Okay, fine.
But since I'm in charge, you have to ask me out now."

     "Hmm," I muse, picking up the clues she's left scattered for me
across the week.  "Well, I guess ... I could ditch my brigade chief
next Saturday, and we could run off to Himeji ... maybe see the
castle?  How about that?  We can make a date of it."

     "What?" she protests, giggling again.  "How is that romantic?"

     "I'm daring to defy the leader of the SOS Brigade for you!
That's about as brave as it gets."

     "Well, that's probably true."

     She sighs happily and leans against me.  Her soft, warm weight is
enough to distract me from the slowly building discomfort in my ankles
and hips, but not block out my awareness.  As romantic as this all
feels, it's still a rooftop in winter.

     "Hey," she whispers.  Then she says my name -- not my nickname --
my real name, and adds, "tell me how you really feel, okay?  I don't
want to think you're just doing this because you're such a nice
guy...."

     "What?" I protest with mock outrage, screwing up my courage and
pushing her slightly away so I can see her eyes.  In truth, my heart
is racing; I've come to accept it, but I do not like my nickname.  I
had long ago thought she'd forgotten what my name was.  That she
remembered, and kept it hidden this long....  "Telling me you'll lead,
then demanding I go first?  Well, fine!  If you don't understand what
being the center of my universe means, then face my ultimate
declaration of truth!"

     Even in this dim glow, I can see her eyes widen, her pupils
shrink; feel her tremble slightly in my grasp.  I feign nothing with
this; I feel no regrets for lost futures:  "Suzumiya Haruhi!  I'm
calling you out and telling you directly and in person!  I cannot
imagine a world without you in it.  I love you."

     Her face flushes crimson again.  "W...well, I love you too, so
shut up and kiss me!"

     Anyway, the rest of that early morning is none of your business.
	---------------------------------
     Author's notes: Went through a few drafts of that final scene.
Not perfect, but I think it mostly works.

-- 
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.florestica.com/brandall/
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.