[FFML] [SI] Chance of a Millennium, Prologue - Chapter 3

[Chester Castañeda]

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Huh. These are very short chapters. As per usual, since this is
Self-Insertion, a different set of concrit standards will have to be
used for this fic, or else we'll be here all day. After all, it'd be
pointless to complain that the main problem with your self-insertion
fic is that it's a self-insertion--it's like complaining that the main
problem with any fanfic is that it's derivative or (a more extreme
example) complaining that Citizen Kane is in black and white. At any
rate, tally ho!

On Mon, Feb 1, 2010 at 5:12 PM, Tannim Murphy <tannim_murphy at yahoo.com> wrote:

> Well, that goes to show how long it's been since I posted anything.  Take two!  Sorry for the spam.

It's no big deal.

> ---
>
> Disclaimer: Naoko Takeuchi owns Sailor Moon. When references are made to other fictional series or material, said material belongs to its respective owners.

Hmmm. Your fic isn't word-wrapped. While this isn't a problem with
email like Gmail, some systems may reject your unwrapped fic.
Actually, Yahoo should have a setting that word wraps your fic, so I'm
wondering why it isn't wrapped. Better look into that.

> Chance of a Millennium
> By Tannim Murphy & Enigmatic Magus
>
> Prologue: Queenie's Pity Party
>
> Above the moon, the earth hung silent against a backdrop of stars. The barest hint of darkness on the edge of the world signified daylight as it slowly made its constant march across the planet below. Its green, brown and blue surface marred only by cloud

Suggest: brown, and blue (since it's a list, and you've listed down
more than three items, you might as well add a comma after the second
to the last item)

> formations high in the atmosphere, creating an overall tableau of peace and serenity.

I like the way your prose is flowing. It's smooth and readable, plus
it's not wordy. Kudos.

> Finally she spoke. "It's nothing, Luna. Just thinking aloud is all." Serenity turned

Revise: Finally, she

Also, suggest: aloud, is all (add comma for the sake of adding an extra pause)

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
Parenthetical words, however, should be enclosed in commas.
Use commas when...

5. After certain introductory elements,
(e) After an introductory adverbial element.

> "Almost," Serenity replied. "It's true meaning is peace in the face of adversity."

Revise: It's --> Its

Grammar Rule #26: Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it
when its not needed and use it correctly with words' that show
possession.

Also: I like this scene. It's very poignant.

> She wouldn't admit it publicly, but the latest troubles her kingdom were suffering

Revise: kingdom were --> kingdom was (number agreement)

Grammar Rule #1: Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

Also: suffering --> suffering from
> had taken a toll on her. It was all she could do to hold herself together and not break down and cry in front of her closest companions. A queen had to remain strong at all times, in the public eye or not.

She's pulling a Queen Victoria. She should get an Oscar for that, what
with queens of her stature becoming Oscar Bait and all.

> If the people got wind of her real state of mind, it would cause catastrophe on a system-wide scale. Faith in their queen had been what kept everyone optimistic all these years. If she were to falter....

...then God save the Queen?

> Her hand strayed to the Silver Crystal, kept hidden on her person at all times. It was a great source of her power, a boon to her people, a granter of wishes, and yet... yet, even so, she was uncertain that even its mighty power would be enough for the days that lay ahead. She extracted the crystal from its resting place to hold it cupped

Congratulations on actually using "lay" correctly. Few authors could.

Also: Maybe I'm mixing up fanon with canon, but didn't the House of
Serenity hold the Ginzuishou inside their hearts or wombs? (shrugs)
Probably fanon.

> lightly in her hands. A thumb rubbed it idly as she contemplated the future.

Silver Crystal: ~Yeah, baby...~

> It was a future so bleak, she had ordered the construction of a great magical device that would be able to peer through time just to catch a glimpse of what was really going on. The signs of the day were pointing towards chaos, breakdown, and ruin;

I didn't realize the civilization of the Silver Millennium were as
pessimistic about their future as the Norse and the Aztecs.

> 'All I want are some real, true friends. Is that too much to ask?'

Would some self-inserts suffice? Sure, they're hated by fandom, but
they do have some perks. Besides, the mere fact that they're
self-inserts in a fanfic dedicated to this series shows that they're
one of your biggest fans too.

> Chapter 1
>
> Xxxxx
>
> [16:04] TannimFodder: You there?
> [16:52] Enigmatic Magus: Just got home. What's up?
> [16:55] TannimFodder: You should see what I wrote in my latest story.
> [16:55] TannimFodder: Man, I'm funny.

How meta.

Also: I have no idea what was so funny with what he wrote in his
latest story or if the story above is what he's referring to. Did he
find it funny because it was melodramatic? I have no idea.

> [16:56] Enigmatic Magus: Keep stroking your ego like that and I'm not going to stick around when it bubbles over and leaks on the floor.
> [16:57] TannimFodder: It's the only way I know how to achieve my second form.
> [16:57] Enigmatic Magus: And what does that look like; a panda bear?
> [16:57] TannimFodder: No! It's more like a lizard with wings.

O_O There are so many things I could say about that, but I'd rather not.

> [16:59] TannimFodder: We don't chose our forms, they're given to us.

Unless you insist that typos in this piece of postmodernism is for the
sake of authenticity, suggest: chose --> choose (tense error, probably
typo)

Grammar Rule #55: When you write sentences, shifting verb tense is bad.

> [17:18] TannimFodder: Northern California even has squirrels. Someone's knocking on the door. Be right back.

Huh. No BRB?

> [17:24] Enigmatic Magus: Hello?
> [17:29] Enigmatic Magus: If it's that important, you should, you know.. say something. And now Liz's friend is here. Quick! Say something engaging before they bug

Suggest: .. --> ... (ellipses error)

Hmmm. So far, Tannim in this story can be put in the "eccentric"
category, with Enigma more of a "straight man" to Tannim's antics (if
they could be called that). Mind you, I haven't read your earlier SI
works, so I'm just going for first impressions here.

Grammar Rule #81: Ellipses, as a general rule, are three periods (...)
or four periods if you're using it to terminate a sentence after a
character trailed off or whatever (....). It's never just two periods
(..), that's just wrong.

> At least there was light, though what was visible was beyond understandable. Various surfaces, objects, places flashed by at high speed, each one fading away upon impact,

Revise: surfaces, objects, places --> surfaces, objects, and places

> like some sort of hallucination, only faint stirrings of air currents at his fingertips to signify their passing.

Suggest: only faint --> with only faint

I'm guessing Kyle is Tannim, the self-insert. I could be wrong, but
we'll see as the story unfolds.

> And then, with a rather painful thud he landed; somewhere brighter than before by

Suggest: thud, he

> far, and much less comfortable, with its 100+ degree heat, and glaring sun bright overhead.

How hot is it? Celsius or Fahrenheit? If it's 100+ °C, he's as good as
dead unless he uses Plot Kai or Otaku Ken, because that environmental
temperature is a killer. With that said, how'd he know how hot it is?
Is that another superpower of his? If it's Fahrenheit, he's still as
good as dead once his body temperature meets the environmental
temperature. Heat stroke in the very least, and death at worst; he's
probably exaggerating, but it's better for him to be accurate if he
wants the reader to take him seriously (or at least have them suspend
their disbelief).

"Body temperatures above 40°C (104 °F) are life-threatening. This
compares to normal human body temperature of 36-37°C (97-98°F). At
41°C (106 °F), brain death begins, and at 45°C (113°F) death is nearly
certain. Internal temperatures above 50°C (122°F) will cause rigidity
in the muscles and certain, immediate death. Heat stroke may come on
suddenly, but usually follows a less-threatening condition commonly
referred to as heat exhaustion or heat prostration."

EDIT: Apparently, he's in some sort of nightmarish warp zone thing,
which explains the impossible temperatures and the shifting scenery.
It still sounds amateurish for him to think it was a hundred degrees
hot, though, since that temperature can kill you. He may also be
exaggerating, but it's still factually wrong, and it sounds wrong to
boot, especially considering it was said during the narrative.

> Dressed for comfort, he felt sweat start to bead immediately on his exposed skin, and trying to ignore the still painful spot on the back of his head.

That... read really awkwardly. It's a car-wreck sentence, almost. I
suggest revision. I think the problem of that sentence was that it
missed out a "he was" or "while" in the middle of it.

Suggest: and trying to ignore --> and he was trying to ignore

Also: on his exposed skin, and trying to ignore --> on his exposed
skin while trying to ignore

Furthermore: Dressed for comfort, he felt sweat start to bead
immediately on his exposed skin. He tried to ignore the still painful
spot on the back of his head.

> Before he could try to stand, however, the twisting sensation was back, and suddenly he was falling through things again, the solid becoming ephemeral once more, and reality subtly shifting from one vague local to the next, in a roller-coaster of visual stimuli that proved to be anything but pleasant.

So he's like Captain N being eaten by his videogame while playing
Punch Out, then? Damn that ultimate warp zone! :P

> The next lurch was even harder, in some ways.

In other ways, it turned him on.

> Instead of a hard ground under a hot sun, Kyle splashed down in waters that felt all too arctic for his tastes,

Good thing he's in a dream-like, astral-body acid dream state, because
a lot of the things he's going through could have him end up killed.
His body is safe, but I'm not so sure about his mind, though.

> and suddenly, he was wishing for the heat again, fighting the urge to scream and lock up as numbness quickly spread inward from his extremities. Just as his shivering body started to slip below the waves, there was a familiar, though now-hated twisting sensation, and the cold was replaced by tumbling, this time accompanied by trembling, and he wondered if he was dying. Or maybe he had died, and this was Hell. 'Not a bad start,' he mused darkly, closing his eyes and seeing the light from the other side of his eyelids vary in intensity at random.

Either that or he's going through his very own anime intro.

Kyle: I hope it's a good song.

> Another flash, another slam, this one eliciting a yelp of pained surprise as something hard poked him in the back before falling, the hard object surrounded by something far softer, but too thin to effectively cushion his landing as the hard floor below it managed to induce another yell of pain.

Then Kyle realized that he was merely in prison, with his prison
buddy. His screams were exquisitely horrifying.

> Rolling over with a Groan, Kyle blearily peeled one eye open, wincing at the harsh

Er, what's with the sudden capitalization of "Groan"?

Grammar Rule #76: Proper capitalization is the difference between "I
helped my Uncle Jack off a horse," and "I helped my uncle jack off a
horse."

> lights above as he grabbed the cloth beneath him and tried to sit up. Unfortunately, before he could get halfway there, the world around him began to flash again, and the floor went back to being insubstantial once more. Adding to the surreal experience, however, was the cloth, which looked more like a single-piece body suit; it had somehow come along for the ride with his fist clenched tightly around a part of it.

He's having a long and involved Dali dream, it would seem. This fic is
also suffering from constant fake outs. We're six pages in; when will
his warp zone to limbo end?

> Before, there'd been only light, and phantom touches, but now, a slowly-growing roar

Suggest: slowly-growing --> slowly growing

I'm fairly sure that you're not supposed to hyphenate adverbs into
other words to form compound descriptors; there's just something
redundant about doing that.

> could be heard, like an oncoming train, and Kyle shuddered slightly as he imagined landing in front of one. At least it'd probably be quick. As the roar grew to epic proportions, the rapidly altering scenery around him faded to darkness, the sound dimming with it, until there was nothing, no more feelings, no light, no sound. And then a blinding light far away winked into existence, before rushing towards him with a muffled bass hum.

Is this a Big-Lipped Alligator Moment? Because the imagery is so
random, I'd be expecting a big-lipped alligator right about now.
Because... why not? Train, kaleidoscope, fades to black, the feeling
of something hard and soft at the same time--this reads like the
school project of a film student trying out each and every last preset
in his editing software.

> The world around Kyle snapped into focus with unusual clarity, the outfit in his hand flapping wildly as he flailed his arms after appearing in midair. Unfortunately, fully-substantial this time, he was only there for a moment before gravity took hold of him,

Suggest: fully-substantial --> fully substantial

> A bed of rainbows. That's what Matt imagined this sensation must look like. A bed of rainbows stretched across the sky, leaping from cloud to cloud. With bunnies.

(introduces my desk to my forehead) Another warp zone/dimensional
drift/acid trip sequence? And there's a "Matt" now? Great, now I have
no idea who Tannim is and who Enigma is between the two. (Grumbles)
Oh, fine. Let's get this over with...

> even sure were real. Vibrating the whole time.

That's what she said?

> He didn't know when it had started, only that it been going on far too long. With each successive jump, the shaking in his body got worse, and it was all he could to to

Revise: could to to --> could do to

Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional
puns/homonym-type spilling mistakes because their usually hard to
fined using a spellchecker.

His double-triple-quadruple jumps somehow remind me of someone...

Matt: (jumping with the all-to-familiar jumping sound effects of Super Mario)

I don't know what it is with me today with the 8-bit video game
references and all. I must've been watching too many Angry Video Game
Nerd reviews.

> concentrate on the fact that his world around him kept shifting every three to seven seconds.

You know, we're already seven pages in the fic, and there's still
nothing going on. Sure, technically speaking, Matt and Kyle's trials
and tribulations while traversing a nebulous trans-dimensional divide
can be considered as "events", but in story terms, there's really not
much going on. It's like the description of a continuous, trippy,
early seventies music video without any music.

> Finally, in the middle of one of his jumps, Matt fell and gripped the slightly rubbery ground of this latest world beneath his fingers as hard as he could, willing himself to meld with the material and hopefully become immobile.

(thinks) Hmmm. Maybe the (IMO) excessive descriptions of the worlds
he's warping into may have a purpose after all, if that purpose is to
establish that the trans-dimensional jumps have somehow given Matt and
Trey, I mean, Kyle superpowers or something. We'll see.

> It worked only partially, as he continued to jump, but at least he had something to hang onto to stop the shaking; namely, the deck of an Ohio-class nuclear-powered submarine. Incidentally the rest of the ship stayed attached to its deck, and came along for the ride.

Revise: Incidentally --> Incidentally, (missing comma)

Use commas...

5. After certain introductory elements,
(e) After an introductory adverbial element.

A submarine. Okaaaaay... I'm not going to even ask. Logic has
obviously left the building while they're in this time-space warp
thing. It's just weird and random; for some people, that's enough to
constitute for entertainment. For me, I want a little more out of the
fics I read... like, oh, I dunno, some _story_? But that's just me.

>
> On his next few leaps through the dimensions lugging around the giant submarine, he quelled an uprising on Artemus Tau, surprised a World War Two British prime minister, and interrupted the Yankees verses Red Socks world series. All of this was ignored in

...I take it back. His trip to Dimension X has wrapped itself back to
_awesome_. That was a great entrance; it's just too bad that the first
parts of the fic couldn't be as awesome as this one paragraph.

> favor of keeping his eyes shut and hoping everything would just. Stop. Moving.
>
> It did.

Aw, but it was beginning to read like a Cracked.com article about
dimension shifting. (pouts) Oh well.

> Xxxxx
>
> Despite not knowing that her wish had been heartfelt and true, and maybe, just maybe, a small part of her had hoped it would come true, Queen Serenity would have been just as surprised if she had been aware of her wish when a giant metal thing slammed into the ground out of nowhere, moments before the sound of someone yelling above her tore her attention away from the... whatever-it-was and towards a frightened-looking man who appeared to be falling.

Heh. Awesome. His entrance is almost Gurren-Lagann-ish in style. I've
been so jaded by Wallbanger self-insert fics or large, well-written
ones that can induce a continuity lockout of a new reader because of
their sheer size that I've forgotten how retardedly kickass these fic
types can be when it comes to plots (or lack thereof). And, just like
a Michael Bay movie or the cheesier 80's action movies (and barring a
few exceptions), all you need to do is turn off your brain to enjoy
these types of works. ^_^

> Stepping back in shock, she watched as he hit the ground a few feet away and bounced slightly on the lunar surface.

Oh yeah. I always wondered why the Silver Millennium has barely been
portrayed with the correct gravity by the fics I've read that covered
the Moon civilization. Then again, there's that little issue called
lack of air as well, but the gravity thing was at the back of my mind
when I first watched those flashback to the distant past episodes.

> slid down from the top of the metal object. He landed with a spectacular splash in the large fountain that dominated the garden.

It's too bad Kyle (presumably) didn't get as awesome an entrance as
Matt (presumably). Also, out of all the friends the cosmos or karma
could give to Queen Serenity, why (for lack of a better term) otaku?

> The first figure groaned in pain once, but lay still, apparently unconscious. The second, having somewhat less of a drop and softer landing, twitched slightly in the shade of his giant companion. Finally, Serenity's awe was broken by concern.
>
> "What is it, Majesty?" Luna asked from beside her.

Luna is Ninja Cat.

My, did Luna suddenly pop out. I suggest establishing her earlier on
so that it doesn't look like she flickered to existence using a
camera's jump cut. It's awkward to read.

> "I've no idea, Luna. But these two are wounded. In my palace, no less! We must heal them, first. We can worry about it later," the Queen stated, before moving forward towards the fallen figure on the ground.

Revise: stated, before --> stated before

> "Majesty, it could be a weapon," Artemis warned, a frown marring his feline features. Serenity's forward momentum froze. She'd not considered that. Her Kingdom had been

Revise: Kingdom --> kingdom (capitalization problems; that word was
used as a common noun instead of a proper noun in that context)

Also: Shouldn't "Majesty" be "Your majesty"? If not, can you cite
where it says that "Majesty" can be used as standalone title? Because
AFAIK, that's wrong usage, correct me if I'm wrong. Inquiring minds
need to know.

> restless recently, to be sure, but would those causing such problems actually have the audacity to strike at her? At the Royal Palace?

Judging by their name, the _Dark Kingdom_ isn't exactly a very subtle
organization or anything, so they shouldn't put the submarine crash
past them.

> "By Serenity and all that is good! What in the Queen's name is that?" Marcus, Captain of the Royal Guard, asked as he approached.

(a la Alcoholics Anonymous) Hi, Captain Marcus.

> Shaking his head dismissively, he turned to the nearest subordinate and pointed at the bodies in the courtyard. "Seize them." Turning towards the Queen, he moved to stand between her and the object in the courtyard, before stating, as respectfully as he

Revise: courtyard, before stating, as --> courtyard before stating (comma muyo)

> could, "Your Highness, it is not safe here. You must go inside. My men and I will see to it that this terrorists are dealt with."

Revise: this terrorists --> these terrorists (number agreement)

Grammar Rule #85: A noun and the words that modify that noun must
agrees in number. How many time do people break this rule anyway?

> "Yes, majesty. Lets go where we can be sure of our safety!" Luna prompted.

Revise: Lets --> Let's (contraction mistake)

It's Grammar Rule #36 all over again.

> Artemis glanced over at the bodies, and the fallen object with a more jaundiced eye.

Revise: bodies, and --> bodies and (unnecessary comma usage)

Also: Jaundice isn't equal to vigilant, wary, or meticulous. In fact,
the idiomatic expression of "jaundiced eye" refers to envy and bias
(synonym: green-eyed monster), so I don't think you're using this
properly given the context of that sentence... Unless of course I'm
misreading it and Artemis is somehow jealous of the big, black nuclear
submarine.

http://onlinedictionary.datasegment.com/word/jaundiced+eye

> If the device had yet to do anything so far, it was unlikely to do anything at all, he figured. However, he decided to keep his mouth shut, knowing the Queen was more than capable of making the right decision in an instance as simple as this. Which is why her response to the captain of the Guard surprised him.

Revise: this. Which --> this; which / this--which / this... which

Also: captain of the Guard --> Captain of the Guard (make your
capitalization consistent)

> "Absolutely not! These two men are wounded, maybe on the verge of death. Bring the Court Healer! And fish that other man out of the pool before he drowns," She ordered.

Revise: drowns," She ordered. --> drowns," she ordered.

Grammar Rule #83: When there's a speech indicator (said, asked,
replied, pondered, elaborated) indicating that the dialogue (anything
the character says inside the quotation marks) is being said by the
'speaker' (hence 'speech indicator'), and you're ending the speaker's
dialogue with a period instead of an exclamation point or a question
mark, please replace the period with a comma. If there's no speech
indicator in the following statement after the dialogue, then the
following sentence is a separate sentence that has nothing to do with
the dialogue.

That is, "I'll say something," Queen Serenity said. "Now see me say
lots of things, but this time my name 'Kasumi' will be in pronoun form
to show that my dialogue and 'she added' are not two separate
sentences but one continuous sentence," she added. "Oops, I think I
made a run-on sentence!" She giggled.

>The Captain of the Guard looked as if he wanted to disobey, before turning and nodding to the nearest subordinate, who ran towards the pool, weapon discarded.

Suggest: disobey, before --> disobey before

> "Queen Serenity, even if they pose no threat, that thing is unknown. For the time being, you should move to a safer location, if for no other reason than to settle my nerves. This has been the most bizarre interruption to a routine day in ages, and I

We wouldn't want the queen to suffer the fate of John Wayne or anything. <,< >,>

> hesitate to think of our failure to stop these two before they got this far." The captain was obviously upset, but having been hand chosen for this position years ago,

Suggest: hand-chosen

Also: handpicked

> "We could wait for them to heal," Artemis offered, as the two bodies were set beside

Revise: offered, as --> offered as

> the walkway awaiting the arrival of the Court Healer. Luna glared at Artemis, but held her tongue as Serenity looked on in obvious concern. The dark-haired cat's glare dissolved upon seeing that look. This was Serenity, who loved her people more than life itself. Even those who might be in league with the terrorists causing trouble on the various planets.

Hmmm. This probably explains why the moon is now a planet that looks
like Swiss cheese; Queen Serenity's messianic niceness.

> As the Healer summoned a quartet of orderlies bearing a pair of stretches, Serenity

The orderlies were exercising?

Revise: pair of stretches --> pair of stretchers

> Watching as the Queen and her primary advisers departed, Marcus turned towards the newest addition to the Palace Courtyard and let loose a sigh he'd been holding since the queen first displayed her trust in them.

It is kind of iffy, isn't it? It's in-character and out-of-character
at the same time. On one hand, it's in-character for Queen Serenity to
be this merciful, or it's as in-character as could be judged by her
actions in canon. On the other hand, it's kind of out-of-character for
her to immediately trust in these outsiders who dropped in with a
nuclear submarine from out of nowhere. Granted, there's no indication
that she actually trusts them, only that she wants them treated, so
I'm leaning more on in-character so far in this fic.

> "Someone call the Senshi of Mercury. I have the feeling this is something beyond even my paygrade." Turning to look at one of the Privates staring at the object with obvious

Revise: Privates --> privates

You have a problem distinguishing between common nouns and proper
nouns, which in turn does a number on your capitalization. I suggest
you look this grammar rule up and read up on it for the sake of your
fic's grammatical correctness.

Also: paygrade --> pay grade (Google thinks so anyway, because
paygrade got only 400,000+ results, while pay grade got over
33,000,000+ results).

> curiosity, he slapped the kid softly on the shoulder to get his attention, before nodding towards the two stretchers being carried inside. "Go with them, son. Be sure

Revise: attention before

> the Queen is safe if and when those two are revived."

Revise: Queen --> queen

> The boy, who couldn't have been over seventeen, snapped to attention and saluted with energy the Captain himself hadn't felt in many years. "Sir! By your command!" The private trotted off after the medics.

Revise: Captain --> captain

...And so on. I suggest that all instances of capitalization to be
fixed. I won't be taking note of each and every one of them; I'll just
leave it to your discretion.

> "They only seem to get younger," Marcus muttered to himself as he unclasped his helmet. Taking it off, he took his first unfiltered breath of the day. He turned a jaundiced eye to the giant black, metallic object currently crushing half of the roses in the palace gardens.

I didn't realize that Artemis's jaundice was contagious.

> "You'd better not give me any trouble, you monstrosity," he told the object firmly.

Seeing that it's not on water and they're on the moon (which, I
gather, isn't known for its seven seas _even if_ the Silver Millennium
at the time has enough water to support life), I'm not too worried
about the nuclear sub unless its nuclear reactor somehow malfunctions
and leaks nuclear death upon the citizens (and, from what I've heard,
nuclear reactors have become a lot safer since Chernobyl).

> "Your majesty, you shouldn't be here." An orderly, dressed in the white of her craft, whispered urgently to the Queen. She had spied her majesty walking past the troops stationed outside the doorway and into the guarded ward where the two persons of unidentifiable nature were being kept.
>
> Serenity responded with a single raised eyebrow.

Heh. Well, she _is_ the queen. But in fairness to her subjects, she's
probably a logistics nightmare with the way that she's acting.

> The orderly blushed crimson. "You're right, I had no business telling her majesty where she can or cannot be in her own castle, shutting up and sitting over here now." With effort she closed her mouth and held it shut as she moved to a chair in the corner

Revise: effort, she (missing comma)

Use commas...

5. After certain introductory elements,
(b) After an introductory participial phrase.

> Serenity glided over to where the two patients were currently sleeping. Neither looked like the type committed to the downfall of the Moon Kingdom, nor did either feel

Of course, judging by Serenity's experiences, you'd need to have
spikes of doom, monstrous features, blue skin, and bleed a different
color other than red to clue her in with regards to the evilness of
her foe, so maybe she's not the best judge of character.

> "Are these interlopers, or unfortunates?" the Queen whispered to herself. She asked

Revise: interlopers, or --> interlopers or

> She did not realize how tired she was. In no time at all Serenity drifted off to sleep.

All I'm wondering about is whether or not these authors will be able
to influence the story in some way that doesn't just entail running
amuck with super powers, even though they probably have no idea how
they got there, why they got there, and what brought them there
(probably the Silver Crystal, I reckon).

> With a groan, he rolled onto his side, frowning at the bright light, before reaching up to check his body, from face to thighs. When everything seemed okay, he tried to sit

Revise: light, before --> light before

> "This... is not my room," he muttered, partially telling himself the last thing he remembered hadn't been a dream, but mainly to hear something familiar, because what he was remembering... didn't make much sense.

I'd say.

> Particularly considering the lack of injuries; that clashed rather abruptly with his memories of falling towards the ground and a fairly painful impact. So, if it hadn't been a dream, but couldn't have been real...

Don't forget the extremes in temperatures that was supposed to kill you.

> Looking around again, his attention was drawn back to the snoozing figure, and a frown slowly emerged as her features did ring a bell. It had been years, but the now-familiar twin-ponytail hairstyle with jeweled buns on the top of the head was obviously an attempt at Sailor Moon.

Ah, Sailor Moon. Your fandom in ficdom has grown and develop for so
many years that it barely resembles the canon by which you came forth;
fanon can arguably stand on its own nowadays, especially Ranma
1/2-Sailor Moon Crossovers.

> Actually, now that he was looking, it was almost unsettling how... accurate this person had gotten the costume. There was something almost regal about her, even just sleeping in a chair. She was, from head to toe, a spitting image of the Queen Serenity

Revise: even just --> even as she just (missing words,
incomplete-sounding clause)

> Tearing his eyes away from the best-dressed award winner of the century (or millennium) he quickly examined the rest of the room, noting a table covered in things

Award winner? What award? I'm not familiar with that particular colloquialism.

> It was, in fact, another guy, so whatever had happened to him might not have just been a one-time thing.

Kyle couldn't recognize Matt? Or was Tannim and Enigma merely chat
buddies who've never met each other IRL? Or there's the possibility of
Matt being someone else entirely, but the Law of the Conservation of
Detail, to me, nixes that idea. We'll see.

> The Serenity came to as he would have expected someone playing a queen to, a change

_The_ Serenity? What's with the "The"?

> from sleep to wakefulness in in instant, and a rapid assessment of the environment.

Revise: in in instant --> in an instant (typo, please proofread)

> Or maybe that was what he expected from a soldier? Either way, after a second to place the room, her eyes turned to his, and Kyle had to restrain a wince when he realized that, just as accurate as the rest of her, her eyes were the deepest, liveliest blue he could recall ever seeing. And there was no shift of contacts when she blinked, those were the natural color.

Queen Serenity: (has eyes like Zoe Kimball; in terms of the Internet,
eyes to stalk after)

> "And such a regal voice! I am impressed. And confused. Probably not in that order, either," Kyle said, looking around again before shrugging and kicking his legs out to rest on the floor.

Kyle: (loves to pretend he's a wrestler, kicks out from the bed, then
instead floats because of the lighter gravity of the moon) Hey, I'm
lighter here! (thinks) Am I like Son Goku, then, because when he went
from a planet with great gravity to a planet with lesser gravity, he
became as fast as hell!

> "So.. umm... Where am I?" He paused to look her over again, before shaking his head.

Revise: again, before --> again before

> Making a great show of putting a finger on her chin in thought, the woman in front of Kyle appeared to mull the question over. "Hmmmm. While in public that would be preferable; in private, I shall allow you to address me simply as 'Serenity.'" She smiled mischievously at this pronouncement.

^_^ D'aaaawww... She's as cute as a button, even though she has the
power to reshape reality as we know it. I think.

> Kyle couldn't help an amused snort from slipping. "And witty... Well then, your worshipfulness. Please excuse the genre-cross, but... well.. I'm still a little

Revise: well.. --> well... (ellipses are made with three periods, not two)

> confused." Standing slowly before making his way over to the table, Kyle began scooping up the things he recognized as his. Wallet and cell phone, MP3-Player, work

There's probably no mobile phone signal there.

> It took several seconds of awkward silence, but finally Serenity spoke. "I've heard it said that, when one is lost, ones best bet is to retrace their steps. So tell me:

Revise: ones best --> one's best (missing apostrophe)

> Kyle idly flipped the magnetic leather flap of his cell-phone case a couple times

Revise: a couple times --> a couple of times (missing "of")

Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
> He paused, fishing out his keys and staring at them for a second, before activating

Revise: second, before --> second before

> plunge into freezing water, and the pain of landing on something hard. "Did I fall? Someone push me over the railing?" His voice was quiet now, talking more to himself than to her. Finally, he shook his head. "I think I'd have a better chance of figuring this out if I knew where I was."

Drugs. It must have been drugs.

> "DON'T LET THE MONKEY GO!"
>
> Both Kyle and Serenity were taken aback by the sudden shout from the second bed. When it became apparent the person speaking was still asleep and did not appear to be waking soon, both relaxed slightly.

I'm guessing Matt is the "wacky" and "nutty" one of this buddy-cop pair.

> "Your friend seems to be something of a deep sleeper," Serenity remarked. "My healer assures me he should wake soon."

Or maybe the stress/awesomeness of pulling with him out of the ether a
nuclear fucking submarine that made him this tired? That's what he
gets for summoning a large vehicle that couldn't possibly work on the
moon, I guess?

> "Indeed," Kyle replied, still unsure what to make of the random exclamation. "I have to point out, however, that I don't know them... And 'healer?' Not a doctor?"

"Them"? Shouldn't it instead be "Him"?

> Serenity nodded, thinking furiously. This person seemed to have no idea who she truly was. She wasn't vain enough to think that everybody in her kingdom knew her, but this wasn't one of those rare few; he seemed to have recognized her as someone pretending to be herself. The absurdity of that thought, coupled with his obvious recognition,

Chaplin: It's more likely than you think.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Look-alike

> As it was however, she was beginning to suspect that this young man, if not both of them, had come from the far future...

Eyng? Well, isn't she an out-of-the-box thinker! What made her think
that? Why think, "They came from the future!" when you could instead
conclude, "They are weirdoes!" or "They're deranged!" or "They're
infirm!" Hell, "They're aliens that crash landed into the roof of my
palace!" is kind of the most logical conclusion to be had here. Unless
Queen Serenity has gained some omniscience (or unless she found a way
to connect the dots in a logical, deductive manner as explained by the
narrative), I have no choice but to call out "out-of-character
knowledge!" and "bullshit".

> perhaps even sent back by the Gates of Time she was currently having built out on the edge of the solar system. If that was the case, then the situation must have been dire; she'd already decreed that interfering with the past was an action not to be employed lightly.

Well, if what the fic suggests is true, then it's you and your
loneliness' fault why they're there. You and the Silver Crystal.

> "While I fully intend to show you around, I think I'd have a better grasp of where to begin if you first told me where- and possible when- you come from," Serenity stated.

Come to think of it, it must be convenient how they're able to not
only cross cultural and time borders when it comes to language.

> Kyle blinked. "Riiight... This is a nice... set? Something. Whatever. But I don't have time to play around."

Kyle's kind of dick-ish here, but as far as he knows, he may be
talking to Usagi Kou cosplaying as Queen Serenity, so his behavior is
warranted.

Kyle: Ah! It's Usagi Kou! Get in the car!

> "..." Kyle paused, mouth ajar, before snapping it shut and fixing the woman with a glare. "Not exactly interrupting. But I'm not really in a good mood, waking up from something that could have been an attack and being forced to deal with actors."

So she's a dedicated method actress. Give her a break. ^_^

> Understanding dawned on Serenity. "You really have no idea where you are, do you?"
>
> Kyle's frown deepened. "Didn't I just say that?"

Well, he has an otaku's social skills down-pat, I'd gather. Being able
to transfer that condescending sneer in mere words is an art unto
itself. ;)

> The queen chanced a smile. "Not exactly, but I understood most of it. You have my apologies; I had assumed you were from the future, come back with a warning or message for me. I see now that this isn't the case... and now, more than ever, I'd like...

Well, at least you were able to get it half-right, your highness.
(thinks) Maybe warnings from the distant future is a common occurrence
in your kingdom? If that's the case, then it'd make sense if your
first thought was that these travelers are from the future.

> need, even, to know where you came from. Your appearance in my Garden... your attitude... Everything is fairly alien, to be honest." She paused to look him over as he had, and he shifted uncomfortable as he realized she was being serious.

Revise: he shifted uncomfortable --> he shifted uncomfortably

> "Yes," he muttered, glancing around again. "Do you really expect me to believe that we're on the moon?"

Kyle: (thinks) So that's why the crash land earlier was less painful
than it should have been. Lesser gravity.

> She smiled at him and stood up. "Of course not. I intend to show you that you're on the moon."

Kyle: You lie. This is a soundstage. The same soundstage they used to
hoax the moon landings.

> She turned towards the door, before turning to glace at him over her shoulder. "Coming?"

Revise: glace --> glance (typo, homonym-type spellchecker mistake)

Revise: door, before --> door before

Okay, here's the deal with comma before, well, "before". It's okay to
put a comma before that preposition if it's after a succession of
prepositional phrases. The problem with that above sentence (and the
other sentences before it) is that there are only two phrases or items
there ("She turned towards the door" and "She turned to glace (sic) at
him over her shoulder"), so there's no need for the comma. Understand?

Use commas...

5. After certain introductory elements,
(c) After a succession of introductory prepositional phrases.

Otherwise, don't use commas.

> "Do I have any choice?" Kyle asked, stuffing his hands in his pockets and following behind her. The two of them traveled in silence, Kyle partially lost in thought, and occasionally surprised at the level of detail surrounding him.

If you're going for "as abrasive as a cactus, and just about as
sociable", then congratulations! Kyle is exactly that.

> Finally, they reached a doorway, the arching marble architecture both extravagant in

Just noting: You're seriously abusing the "Finally" word. I've been
reading that word all throughout the fic.

> its workmanship, and obviously not part of any recognizable airlock system he could think off that didn't involve force fields.

Suggest: getting rid of "both", because the narrative is not
describing analogous items there.

Also: workmanship, and --> workmanship and

> Outside was a well-manicured garden, a roman-style pool surrounded by fountain-topped ivy-covered columns, a row of hedges

Revise: fountain-topped, ivy-covered (missing comma)

> "Holy Shit, is that a Boomer?" Kyle asked, upon spying the USS Nebraska lying on a field and partially crushing some of the roses as well as a line of hedge.

Professor Washu: (a la Discovery Channel) You can sometimes carbon
date otaku depending on the references they make. I gather that this
particular otaku is the same age as Fred Gallagher and Rodney Caston
of Megatokyo fame because of his knowledge of boomers.

> "Oh damn," he muttered as he gazed upon the serene blue-green planet above. The whirls of clouds and star-studded backdrop far too realistic to be a projection or screen.

Revise: The above sentence because it's a sentence fragment.

Suggest: The whirls of clouds and the star-studded backdrop were far
too realistic to be a projection or screen.

Grammar Rule #10: No sentence fragments.

> "I'm on the moon?" he asked, softly.
>
> "Yes," Serenity supplied, watching him closely.
>
> "And... I'm not dreaming?" He asked, frowning. Glancing over at the Boomer again, he

Revise: dreaming?" He --> dreaming?" he (speech indicator indicates
that "he asked" is part of the spoken dialogue, so "he" shouldn't be
capitalized)

Also: The submarine really is a Boomer? Really? Or is he just being a
cloud cuckoolander?

> "If you are, I'm remarkably well imagined. I have a long history of memories, and seem to think for myself... you must be quite the lucid dreamer," she said, smiling slightly to herself.
>
> "Cute," he mumbled sarcastically, before looking at the plate-armored guards circling the submarine warily.

Huh. It's like this Kyle person is trying to affect a "Han Solo"
attitude, but he instead comes out as "Anakin Skywalker" awkward.

Also: sarcastically, before --> sarcastically before

> "Well, I guess... I'll just have to see how long this lasts. I don't remember there being a submarine in the Silver Millennium, so I'll reserve judgment... for now... But

Heh.

Hey, Kyle. Tell Queen Serenity about the fact that she, in your
dimension, is just background fluff for the sentai version of the
magical girl show. She seems open-minded enough.

> I suppose I should at least be a bit more courteous to you, since you apparently aren't just some fan in a costume," Kyle offered, finally.

Kyle: Oh, buzz off. This is how you treat cosplayers. They're the scum
of the universe.

> Chapter 2
>
> Xxxxx
>
> The sight that greeted the two as they entered was a strange one. In their absence, the remaining man had apparently woken up, and with nothing better to do had entertained himself by taking his bed sheet to fashion a turban out of the cloth. He faced away from the door and stared at the wall intently.
>
> "... umm.. what?" Kyle blurted out upon seeing the other sleeper.

Yeaaaah. This guy is definitely the Luna Lovegood of this SI fic.

Boy 2: (a la Rorschach from the "Saturday Morning Watchmen" flash
cartoon) ~I'm nutty!~

> Surprising everyone involved, including the queen herself, Serenity was overcome with a fit of the giggles.

Queen Serenity is positively Belldandy-like with how she's taking all
this. Then again, seeing that she's the Queen of the Moon Kingdom
(Queendom?), perhaps she's seen far more interesting things in her
lifetime than two SI in the Silver Millennium.

Queen Serenity: Actually, these two are the latest self-inserts we've
gotten this _week_. I hope Princess Terra will take kindly to them.
She can be a bit of a spoiled brat.

Princess...? O_O Please tell me that there's no magical flying sea--

Arbyfish: Allo, allo!

(facepalm) You're here too?

Arbyfish: Well a'course!  Wouldn't be proppa' if Oye weren't.

> The man fell backwards to get a better look at whoever had entered the room, knocking the impromptu turban off his head. Eyes swept past both woman and man, before sitting himself up facing both. "I take it I'm either in an insane asylum, or have gone crazy."

His realization of his craziness makes him strangely less crazy than
he first appeared.

> "With the way you were acting when we arrived, I think the latter is probably the most likely," Kyle stated flatly, before turning towards the door they'd just come in

Revise: flatly, before --> flatly before

> through. Maybe he should have serenity call for guards? An insane man was not

Revise: serenity --> Serenity (capitalization error)

Also: I love how he thinks he can order Queen Serenity around like
that. He's like a regular

> something he was ready to deal with, considering all he'd gone through already.

Gone through enough of which situation? The acid trip or your snarking
off an anime character? Well, cry me a river.

> Then he frowned. That other guy's voice was actually somewhat familiar, and Kyle noticed recognition dawning in the other guy's eyes as well. "What's your name?" He asked, frowning suspiciously.
>
> "Matt."
>
> A sinking feeling in his stomach, Kyle glanced at the still amused Serenity, before seeking clarification; "Tannim?"
>
> Matt nodded. "Kagato?"

I'm suddenly remembering a short youtube film about private chatrooms
and their real-life equivalent that I shouldn't be remembering... >.<

Also: I got it reversed. Matt is Tannim, Kyle is Kagato (Enigma?). I'm
guessing Kyle's personality and his adopting of the "Kagato" screen
name is appropriate enough, seeing that he's such an insufferable jerk
here.

> Kyle shrugged, "swapped it with Magus, but yeah." Glancing over at Serenity again, he sighed, before moving over to slouch on the table

Revise: sighed, before --> sighed before

> "I saw the guards in freakin' armor, and figured I had gone bonkers. No one wears that these days, and they wouldn't let me out of the room." He chuckled a bit, then got his first, real good look at the queen and all humor left his face, to be replaced with confusion. "Queen Serenity?" he asked, stunned. "Now I know I'm nuts."

Seeing that these are SI authors, I'm surprised they haven't gone the
Deadpool route and become completely aware of the fourth wall. I mean,
yeah, SIs are typically more self-aware and genre savvy than a typical
story character, but given that you've written so many SIs, I'm
surprised that they're not just saying, "Oh, we're in a self-insert
fic."

> Kyle gave a tired smile. "Well, it's not that I really was doing anything important, but I'd kind of like to go home, and so I'm thinking that something as powerful as that might be able to let me get back before my roommate starts to realize I'm gone. She'd be fairly pissed if I left her to pay the rent by herself."

Kyle: I know what happened to Dorothy from Kansas. We've all read the
story. Let's cut the bullshit and get me the ruby slippers that will
get me home before I'm forced to battle witches that are as
pathetically easy to kill as the aliens from Signs.

> Kyle nodded, restraining a smile as he saw the look of confusion on Serenity's face. "Yep. Serenity, Matt; Matt, Serenity. Can we go home now?"

Kyle: There are a thousand more exciting things to do in real life,
like sex. Besides, Sailor Moon is soooo nineties. Get me some Tenchi
Muyo action; now there's some classic shit.

> "Dude!" Matt looked at Kyle like he was the crazy one. "Why would you want to leave?"

Matt: Besides, dude... We can't possibly leave! There are, like, six
or so chapters left! We're, like, contractually obligated to make shit
happen in this universe and stuff! Interesting shit!

Kyle: Yeah? Well the readers can kiss my ass and enjoy blog-like
updates of my life in prose. Let them go into throes of excitement as
I do taxes, play video games, pay the rent, work at my job, watch
movies, complain about life, and download anime. We're not about to go
through any Wizard of Oz or Connecticut Yankee shit going on. Nu-uh.
Fuck that.

Matt: 9_9 Yeah right, like your complaints will do anything to stop
this story from happening.

> Kyle blinked. "You mean... aside from what we know will happen? This is Sailor Moon. More specifically, the Silver Millennium. Nothing to do but dance and dine. Peace, Prosperity... and you know the rest." Glancing over at the observant Queen, he couldn't help but wince a little, knowing what was to come.

Kyle: It's like landing during the time of the Aztecs when Cortez
finally arrives; if you can get the hell out of there as soon as you
can, you would. That's not a good place to be. Ditto if you're a black
man and you landed in pre-Civil War America. There will be no
cotton-picking going on here!

> Serenity, for her part, was growing concerned. Not only did they apparently not realize how troubled her kingdom was at the moment, they both seemed to know (Or Kyle assumed Matt knew) about some upcoming event that neither would want to be around for.

Isn't that redundant? I mean, they don't know how troubled her kingdom
is, but they know the trouble that lay ahead...? Huh? So they do know
the trouble!

> She found it very unlikely that anything good would be met with such obvious avoidance, and briefly wondered what kind of problems she'd have to deal with in the upcoming future.

Too bad you can't read minds, your highness.

> "I can assure you that we do far more than dance and dine here. This is the capital of an empire. We sleep and learn, and live... and sadly, in this day and age, sometimes die. This is not the peaceful period of gaiety you seem to think it is."

...The Silver Millennium is like , and Generation X-Box here are too
entrenched and spoiled by modern living to understand its
significance.

Kyle: U-huh. Sounds like a blast. Actually, it sounds like a museum
trip. And you call me a jerk; I have no interest in living in the past
when I'm perfectly happy with the future, which is my present. Or
something. Just get us out of here.

> Matt stared longer at the queen than was strictly necessary. The reality of the

Matt tends to get kicked out of conventions faster that way. He
figured by creeping Serenity out, he'll be able to get back to his
time faster.

> situation was really starting to freak him out a little, especially since Serenity was acting so, well... regal. Entirely too much for his mental health. He shook his head slightly to clear it.

Matt: Oh no! I'm allergic to royalty!

> Kyle frowned. "Well, I assume you know about Casualty and things like predestination

...I assume you don't know about it. (wince) "Casualty"? Don't you
mean "causality" or are you doing this on purpose, like when Goofy
talks about concepts he's unfamiliar with? Because if the mistake was
intentional, it's hilarious, even though it's a bit out of place.

Kyle: (as Goofy) Well, I *hyuk* unfortunately, could not impregnate
everyone. It is simply beyond my colonic threshold.

What a cunning linguist. On the other hand, intentional or not, I
loved the way Kyle was cut down a peg or two with his mistake. It
serves him right. Don't act all snooty if you can't back it up, dude.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ShlubbAndKlumpEnglish

> "That junk? I'm assuming that's all tossed out the window the moment we got here."

Like logic and natural progression, for instance?

> Matt shook his head. "I mean, why else would we be here if not to... you know." He

Matt's not that crazy after all. Sure, he does silly things like put
on turbans and scream at anime characters (the latter of which isn't
such a weird reaction, come to think of it), but at the very least
he's very savvy of the genre he's in.

> threw his hands up in the air. "That or my previous 'we've gone nuts' theory still stands. I'm still having trouble believing this is really real."

You should just enjoy it, dude. Sometimes, you just have to go with the flow.

> Kyle couldn't help but chuckle. "You've yet to see the Submarine currently trampling

Why are you capitalizing "Submarine"?

Revise: Submarine --> submarine

> her Majesty's roses. If ever there was a reason to believe that you're dreaming, that's it. But the view kinda... shatters the illusion." Kyle paused, lost in thought for a second, before continuing, "It's one of those sights that, if you see it in a dream, you're likely to wake up gasping for breath. It's just that... poignant."

...Or awesome, if a bit retarded. It's one of the first things I gave
the fic credit for, in fact. ^_^

> "I trust you both have come to the same conclusion, that you are here, now?"

Suggest: conclusion, that --> conclusion--that --> conclusion; that
--> conclusion: that --> conclusion... that

> "Then would you please explain why you seem to know this place, despite never having been here before? Or myself for that matter?"

Kyle: Y'see, there's this Japanese comic. Manga, if you will...

(after the explanation)

Queen Serenity: I understand now. Our world is nothing but fiction in
your world. Fiction made specifically for young girls ages fourteen
and above. I'm just wondering why your world isn't fiction to our
world.

Luna: But it is, my queen! Look; the Gospel of the New Century, by
Daniel Browning. He makes suppositions of what will happen to the
Earth long after our civilization has ended (paws over the book
towards the three).

Kyle: (skims the passages) Son of a bitch. Everything is listed here.
The invention of the Internet. World War I and II. Hitler. The
assassination of Martin Luther King. Nelson Mandela's presidency. The
Cold War. Vietnam War. And it's in graphic novel form. You're telling
me this is just a fiction book by some author?

Luna: (shrugs, despite being a cat) In fairness, it's a bestseller
here in the Moon, and the Earth has been requesting copies so that
they could make fun of Mister Browning's silly predictions. I guess
the fictionalization of our universes goes both ways?

> Kyle nodded slowly as he contemplated how to phrase things. Finally, "before we get to explaining, I think we should, as responsible adults.. or something close to it... discuss something you might not fully be aware of."

Revise: Finally, "Before (capitalization error)

Also: adults.. or --> adults... or (ellipsis error)

> "You mean the casualty and predestination paradoxes you spoke of earlier?" The Queen countered.

A casualty paradox deals more with the possible consequences of a
causality paradox, I gather.

http://www.google.com.ph/search?q=casualty+paradox&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=com.yahoo:en-US:official&client=firefox

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/causality+paradox

> "Well, yeah. I mean, I don't think you like being in the dark, but isn't that better than doing everything you can to stop an event that may or may not be inevitable? Only

Must be as awkward as talking to the Aztecs about Cortez. Or the
Germans about Hitler. Or Americans about George W. Bush. Because of
that last example, I imagine some people will treat the two as kooks,
outsiders who don't know better, and spies.

> to find out that you might have caused it in your preparations, or that, despite said preparations, the event was escalated to take those into account for the same net results?"

Hey, if it's inevitable, you'll just have to do what you have to do.

> "What he means to say is: we have reasonable evidence to believe that one day you're all probably gonna die, and we don't want to help that along," Matt interjected.
>
> Kyle buried his face in his hands and groaned.

What? Matt was just being frank. Your technobabble will just have you
wasting time discussing that one point all day.

> Glancing at Serenity's stunned face, Kyle smiled at her; a smile that did not reach his eyes. "Could you excuse us for a second?" Grabbing Matt's wrist, he dragged the

Nice show not tell thing with his body language; kudos, fic. Kudos.

> have been done with a bit more tact. Not to mention the fact that, coming to her with such a warning and no proof, we're just as liable to be accused of planning the event than

Revise: event than --> even as

> trying to help. And really.. do you want to be here for that? In her dungeon or something?"

Revise: really.. --> really...

> "Dude, there's really no gentle way to put that kind of news." Despite his seemingly cavalier attitude, Matt looked uneasy.

Matt is right, you know.

> Kyle sighed. "Not really, no. But we could have written it in a note and left before she read it or something. Now we're likely to be held here indefinitely until she has some answers, and I do NOT want to be here during the fall."

I love the irony of this jerk thinking about tact. 9_9

> "Please, just tell me one thing; tell me my baby survives," Serenity, who'd exited silently behind them, now asked. Her hand was on her belly, not yet showing in any way, and a look of eternal grief threatened her features.

Matt: Er...

...Hello! She was pregnant?!

Serenity: (shrugs) The topic came up just know.

> Kyle nodded, before adding, "How do you think we know about all this?" With an enigmatic smile, he shrugged. "Your daughter becomes every bit the queen you are."

Mostly during times of crisis. Most other times, she's a bit... flighty

> The poleaxed expression on Matt's face betrayed his inner feelings on the subject to Serenity, even before he could speak. With a weak smile he pointed out, "Well, at least

Suggest: Serenity even

Also: With a weak smile, he

Use commas...

5. After certain introductory elements,
(b) After an introductory participial phrase.

> it looks like we've got fourteen years or so. Assuming, of course, our information remains accurate. We honestly have no clue what is going to happen leading up to things, aside from some vague ideas. That and you'll probably want to check our sanity once you find out the medium for said information, too."

Looks like the fic is going to pull a Narnia if it'll take that long
before Matt and Kyle gets home.

> but at least I have time to prepare, if nothing else." looking the two over, she

Revise: else." looking --> else." Looking (capitalization error)

> smiled slightly. "You are two of the oddest people I've met in quite some time. A pity you're leaving so soon."

What are you talking about? One of the guys is a jerk, and the other
has no sense of tact!

Serenity: Well, they're a huge improvement over the self-inserts that
visited last week. There was this insufferable jerk who revels in
debates and spends a great deal of his time either presuming that
other people hold extreme opinions based on one remark or deciding
other people's argument for them to better control his debates. Then
there was one who claims to be asexual and serves as a sycophantic yes
man to the alpha male of the pair. They were... taxing to deal with,
to say the least.

Er, good point? <_< >_>

> "I don't wanna go home," Matt whined quietly, at a volume only he could hear. "I've

Heh. Intentional or not, the bad cop antics of Kyle has made good cop
actions of the relatively generic cuckoolander Matt a lot more
tolerable. Had Kyle not been there, I'd barely give Matt any notice as
a story character.

> got a mountain of homework waiting for me." Despondent, he sighed. "The chance of a lifetime, even if only for a few years... action and adventure... beautiful girls..." He continued to grumble to himself under his breath. "...can't believe... ...we're just gonna up and leave it behind..."

Kyle: Oh, jeez, then _you_ stay. I'm going back to the real world.
Wait for oblivion in the hands of the obvious forces of evil for all I
care.

> Taking the Silver Crystal out of the dimensional pocket only royalty had access to,

Serenity's cleavage?

> Serenity closed her eyes, and called forth the power that was her birthright. "Just think of your homes, and I shall send you there."

Well, that's not familiar or anything.

> Kyle, nodding absently at her words, thought over what Matt was muttering. 'Action and adventure for a few years, huh?' Turning to the other dimensionally-lost human, Kyle smirked. "When we get back, re-subscribe to WoW. We can have some Action an Adventure from the safety of our computers."

What is this fic? An advertisement for World of Warcraft?

> "Azeroth? Man, I really hate that place!"
>
> "No! Home! Your Ho-" Serenity started to yell, before the two disappeared in a flash of light... along with the Queen herself.

Heh. I have to admit, that was hilarious.

Warning: I have no knowledge of WoW. Any dumbass remarks from me from
hereon end may root from that fact. Probably. Of course, I have no
excuse for the dumbass remarks I made previously, so... yeah.

Also: Dammit, I realized just now that the submarine earlier was just
for show. Not that they could've done something with it on the moon,
unless they turn it into a space submarine... Dammit, now I'm more
pissed off with the missed moment of awesome!

> "Wretched mortals," the lumbering figure groused as is hovered over them briefly

Revise: groused as is --> groused as it (typo)

> before landing with a rumble that shook the snow from the nearby trees. Pausing to brush away the snow that had landed on the center figure, Cerullenos quickly plucked the artifact from its housing on the female of the trio and held it up, admiring its luster in the morning rays.

(palms face) Oh great. The most powerful artifact in Sailor Moon's
universe was taken just like that? Because these two PC Gamer fanboys
had too much World of Warcraft in their mind?

In fairness, Kagome and Inuyasha did shatter the Shikon no Tama and
needlessly complicated a fairly straightforward plot, but I expected
better from Queen Serenity. This fic's portrayal of her has been quite
consistent with what little is known of her character, even, so losing
the ginzuishou like that is quite... irresponsible of her.

> "Lord Malygos will be pleased," he rumbled to himself, before sparing another glance

Revise: himself, before --> himself before

> at the unconscious humans. "That humans could have such a powerful artifact in their possession..." he muttered, as his mighty blue wings stretched out and began flapping.

Revise: muttered, as --> muttered as

> As he flew away quickly gaining speed, his last spoken words, fading into the morning air echoed across the land; "at least disaster has been averted in denying them a power they are not fit to understand."

Stilted, car-wreck sentence; suggest revision.

Revise: As he flew away, quickly gaining speed, his last spoken words
echoed across the land, "At least disaster has been averted in denying
them a power they are not fit to understand."

> "I swear! A Blue Dragon! Who knows what it was doing out here!" A relatively high-pitched voice cried out, moments before the tiny figure it belonged to cleared a snow

Revise: out, moments --> out moments

> bank. Dressed in rather extravagant-yet-over-sized purple robes, the figure looked

Revised: over-sized --> oversized (dictionary-verifiable word, no need
for the hyphen)

> "Ah Dunnae see no dragon, Jax, but ah think Ol' Blue's spotted something all tha

The random capitalizations hurt my eyes. I don't believe you need all
those random capitalizations, dude... unless it's a WoW thing with the
guy's dialogue (which I kind of doubt).

> "Hmph," The final member of their little party replied, shifting from the stealthier midnight-blue panther form to his natural shape. Unlike the others, who barely topped a meter in height, Vaun topped two meters easy, and his dark purple skin, long tapered ears, glowing yellow eyes and emerald green hair were typical of his race, the Night

Revise: eyes and --> eyes, and

Use commas...

5. After certain introductory elements,
(a) After words such as _well_, _yes_, _no_, _why_, etc., when they begin a

> Elves of Kalimdor. "Sometimes I really wonder why I put up with you, Shane."

Revise: Sometimes, I

> The Night Elves glowing eyes narrowed. "If I told you once, I've told you a thousand

Revise: Night Elves --> Night Elf's / Night Elves' (apostrophe error,
possessives error, typo)

It's Grammar Rule #26 all over again.

> "Fortuitous for them... and with such odd clothing... is it enchanted?" The Druid asked, ignoring the Archaeologist's earlier dig.

Suggest: clothing... Is it enchanted?

> "Nae Gryphon holds three riders at once, Jax, and ah doubt two unruly gryphons would throw their charge so close together, much less three," Shane replied, before reaching out to rub the cloth of the female's dress between his finger and thumb.

How about that shaggy dog thing from the Never Ending Story?

> While Jax was a Mage, Shane knew his interest in the arcane, vast as it was, tended towards its more destructive abilities. On the other hand, as an Archeologist, despite his lack of combat skill, Shane knew quite a bit about enchanted items, though he preferred relics over garments. Still, to his trained senses, the surprisingly soft fabric felt plain to him. "Nae magic at'oll. At least, none so far as ah can teel."

Again, please review how to use proper capitalization. For example, in
order for your capitalization of "Mage" to work, you should use it as
a substitute to Jax's name. You should only capitalize the names of
relationships only when they are a part of or a substitute for a
person's name. (Often this means that when there is a modifier, such
as a possessive pronoun, in front of such a word, we do not capitalize
it.)

Correct: While Mage can be a bit of a prick, he was still a worthwhile
comrade. (It's acceptable because we're substituting "Mage" with
"Jax", the name of the mage.

Also: Let's go visit Grandmother today. Let's go visit my grandmother
today. (The first use of "grandmother" was done as a noun substitute
for a proper noun. Its second use was done as a common noun.)

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/capitals.htm

http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/capital.asp

> Taking a step back, Shane frowned. "What kind o' person travels inta Dun Morogh without a cloak or jersey tae keep out the cold?" Shaking his head in disgust, he answered his own question: "humans..."

Revise: "Humans..."

> Shane shuddered at the memory, before responding. "Ah think ah'll start a fire here,

Revise: memory, before --> memory before

> "I was serious!" The gnome insisted, While Vaun transformed back into a cat and slunk away into the tree line.

Revise: insisted, While Vaun --> insisted, while Vaun

In all my time C&Cing, this is the first time I've ever seen somebody
randomly capitalize words so much.

> Matt groaned. If he had to put a descriptor to just how horrible he felt right now,

A "descriptor", eh? Well, it appears that Matt is a fic writer through
and through.

> even though he was trying to think of anything but, he'd have to say it was as though his whole body had a massive migraine. It wasn't anything in particular that caused him absolute agony; it was the sheer, all-pervasiveness that threaded his entire being together as one, large, lump sum of pain.

Nice, evocative description on that paragraph. I like.

> This caused Matt to wince sharply, jostling his already delicate constitution and causing him to lose whatever lunch he had left his home dimension with. After he was done heaving his guts out he whispered quietly, "...could you keep it down please...?"
Revise: guts out he --> guts out, he (missing comma)

Also: down please --> down, please (ditto)

> "KEEP WHAT DOWN?" an inquisitive and all-together too cheerful voice asked him. At

Revise: all-together --> altogether (since it's already the 21st
century, and that's how we spell that word nowadays)

> this point Matt was certain whoever had the voice hated him and wanted him dead, as rather than listen to him, the voice laughed louder. "THIS ONE'S FUNNY, SHANE!"

Revise: point Matt --> point, Matt

> What greeted Matt's sight was something other than he expected. While the woman wasn't hideous by any definition of the word, she was decidedly... average-looking. Certainly not the picture of loveliness he had mentally envisioned.

Either that or Matt has unrealistic expectations when it comes to women.

> "You poor dears!" the woman exclaimed. "To have wandered out into Dun Morogh dressed like you were. It's lucky that archeologist stumbled into where you were, or else you could have died from the cold!"

Is this a dream? Because it'll be tough to keep up with the fantastic
worlds that "Matt and Kyle" will be ending up in if they'll also be
having strangely detailed dream sequences as well.

> "Uh... huh. Um, where did you say we were?" Matt gave the room a quick glance, noting two of the other three beds were filled with Kyle and, much to his surprise, Serenity.

The, um, creatures left them in a tavern or inn or whatever? It must
have done wonders to their hit points.

> "Dun Morogh," a new voice exclaimed as it's owner walked through the doorway. unlike

Revise: it's --> its

Also: unlike --> Unlike

> the not-quite-homely woman with the honeyed-voice, this figure was decidedly short, stout, and hairy. He (and it was definitely male) also didn't look quite as friendly as the woman.

I wonder if he has voice dissonance like the lady, with him having the
voice of James Earl Jones or Christopher Lee.

> "... when did we get to Disneyland?" Matt asked with a puzzled expression on his face.

Oh you.

> Kyle, who had been slowly coming to, recognized the line, and replied, "da-dink dink," before even bothering to open his eyes. Of course, when he did, his smile died as shock and surprise replaced mirth.

Revise: replied, "da- --> replied, "Da- (capitalization problems)

Also: I don't get it.
> Before any of the three could respond, he shook his head and spun around towards the door. "Bah! Humans." He grumbled, as he left. "And you three owe me for tha use o'

Revise: grumbled, as --> grumbled as

Also: Humans." He --> Humans," he (if you meant that he grumbled his dialogue)

> Matt and Kyle's eyes met in identical 'oh shit' looks that they threw to one another. Matt responded, "That does not bode well."

Revise: oh shit --> Oh shit (capitalization)

> "What's a 'Silver Crystal," the woman who had been standing there the whole time asked.
>
> "It's a crystal. Silver.

Gee, thanks, Sherlock. We couldn't have figured that out by ourselves.

...On that note, is it more crystal or more silver? (ponders)

> Actually, more like a big-ass diamond," Kyle replied, absentmindedly.

Revise: replied, --> replied

> She frowned at that, turning towards Serenity. "This crystal, is it magical in nature?"

It says a lot that in WoW, the first thing people ask when inquiring
about the importance of an object is "Is it magical?" instead of "How
much is it worth?"

> However odd they may have been, she knew in her heart they wouldn't have stolen the crystal,

Because she's naive like that.

> "Excuse me?" She asked, returning her attention to the world around her.

Revise: me?" she

> "Queen Serenity the Second, of the Silver Millennium," Serenity replied, the habitual

Revise: Second, of --> Second of

> "That's beside the point," Matt replied, sliding into a familiar bickering role he'd taken up with Kyle over the years. "I was making an allegory. Sheesh." He paused.

Yeah, you can really feel the chemistry between the two.

Conan O'Brien: If only we can bottle the chemistry that you two have
together, then we can throw it away!

> "Wow."
>
> "That's what I said."

...That's what she said?

Anyway, nice, punny joke.

> Serenity frowned. "I was trying to send you two home, when your attention suddenly wavered. At least, I assume it did. At the culmination of my attempt, I felt briefly like something was about to pierce my very soul, and the next thing I knew, I was waking up here..." She trailed off before giving the two calculating looks. "I assume from your lack of mental discipline, that your world has little in the way of magic?"

Bingo.

> "I see," Serenity replied. No understanding of even the basics of magic, and she'd been so quick to grant their request. She sighed to herself, realizing she had only herself to blame. "You two know of this world, then?" She asked.

Revise: then?" She --> then?" she

> Kyle shrugged. "Enough to know that a blue dragon would definitely be interested in the Silver Crystal." he turned to fix Gladys with the most intense stare he could. "Has

Revise: Crystal." he --> Crystal." He

> the Dark portal in the Blasted Lands been re-opened, and contact with the Alliance Forces on the far side re-established?"

Revise: re-opened --> reopened (dictionary-verifiable word, no need
for the hyphen)

Ditto: re-established --> reestablished

> Gladys was shocked by the conversation the trio had been having, and she was just about to chalk all three up as possible escapees from an asylum when the man in the rightmost bed began asking her detailed questions about the world. "I.. err.. yes.

Revise: I.. err.. yes. --> I... err... yes.

> Despite the speed with which he asked her, and the odd accent he gave some of the names,

Yeah, the funny American twang. I know that accent.

> She paused, frowning. "I.. Northrend has been visited by Alliance forces, but I don't

Revise: "I.. --> "I... (ellipsis error)

> know if the Horde is venturing north as well. And the blue dragons' aims have always been hard to understand. I've not heard of any war, though." She paused for a moment, waiting to see if any more questions were forthcoming, before frowning. "Now that that interrogation is out of the way, I have to ask if you're either some sort of escaped patient from an asylum, or possibly a seer."

LOL, I read the word "seer" wrong in my mind...

> Kyle chuckled, before slipping out of bed to stand up. "Neither," he replied, as he

Revise: chuckled, before --> chuckled before

Also: replied, as --> replied as

> moved to pull on his pants which he hadn't realized had been removed. As he buckled

O_o

> his belt, he turned to look at her over his shoulder and shot her a little smirk. "I'm a level seventy-four Night Elf Rogue. And I do it from behind."

The Healer: TMI?

> "My word!" The healer exclaimed, shocked by the bizarre claim. "If that's the way you want to be, then fine! I'll be downstairs." She turned and quickly left the room before the last member of their group could make some outlandish claim. Really, a Queen of a

Suggest: make some similarly outlandish / make some other outlandish

> Matt scrunched up his face in disgust and spared a pitying glance at the departing woman's back. "Too much information, Kyle. But you've got a point." He turned to speak

That's what I said.

> directly to Serenity. "Kyle here looks to be waaay more knowledgeable about this place than I am. I only hit level forty-seven myself, as a Paladin, before giving up on the game."

Kyle: Yeah, Matt's such a n00b when it comes to these things.

> "...it's a television show, called 'Sailor Moon' after the title character; your daughter. Story written by Naoko Takeuchi. It's something we've both seen, and so you

So which continuity are we talking about here? Pretty Guardian? Anime? Manga?

> can imagine our surprise to wind up meeting you in the flesh." Matt gave his current environs a wary glance. "Of course, we never expected to end up here, either. I suppose this means the multiverse theory is true."

Dr. Manhattan: (raises an eyebrow) It's a lot more complicated that
you think. It's not just the universe has different facets to itself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2OytHzZ72Y

> "Superstring?" Kyle asked idly, glancing out the window and wondering if a couple dollars and a quarter would be enough to buy a warmer jacket. That snow looked a little colder than his button-up summer shirt could handle.
>
> "Trans-dimensional fictional realities," Matt corrected.

How cute.

> "I was being a smart-ass," Kyle responded, flatly, turning to fix Matt with a glare.

Suggest: responded, flatly --> responded flatly

Also: smart-ass --> smartass (surprisingly dictionary-verifiable; at
least my dictionary recognizes it)

When are you not a smartass?

> Then he grinned. "At least we have a queen here. Surely you have some gold to help prepare us for the upcoming challenges?" He asked the Queen.

Revise: challenges?" He --> challenges?" he

> Serenity raised a dainty brow in his direction. "If you knew anything about nobility, you'd know we rarely, if ever, deal directly with finances. And in case you hadn't realized it, I'm rather lacking pockets."

She has a good point, y'know.

> "And with that, I vote we take our leave of this place," Matt said as he grabbed his own pants to slip on. "I don't know about either of you, but I don't want to stay here

I guess the queen doesn't have pants to lose, then?

> "And our chances to be transported into a TV show, then a video game? What were those?" Matt asked sarcastically.

Again, Matt makes a good point. Kyle, stop asking stupid questions!

> Kyle opened his mouth to respond, then shut it with an audible snap.
>
> Serenity, for her part, was beginning to grow worried. "And where will you go, here in a world you once only knew as entertainment?"
>
> Both men stopped on their way to the door, realizing she had a point.

You should listen to Serenity more often. She's like Princess Serenity
and Belldandy rolled into one.

> Serenity nodded at them, slipping out of her bed and standing proud in the room, apparently her silver dress replaced with a nightgown of some sort. It was hardly

Ah, there we go. I'm surprised and bothered that they're not bothered
about the fact that several strangers just undressed them.

> her quick change. Normally she had handmaidens to help her don her clothes, and she

Revise: Normally, she (missing comma)

> Kyle looked at Matt and shrugged. "I've got nothing better to do."

That was droll.

> "Seems like a good idea to me," Matt replied. He turned to Serenity and saluted, fist over heart. "You have my sword, milady!"

Stop white-knighting, you geek.

> Matt grinned sheepishly. "Uh, you know... in the metaphorical sense." He nodded towards the exit. "Let's go out and find one. And hopefully a shield to boot. Something tells me there's going to be a lot of fighting before all this is over."

Matt: Let's hope my menu-picking and mouse-clicking abilities come in
handy soon!

Kyle: Maybe we can summon a unlimited submarines to crush our enemies?
That'd make things easier.

> "We could always ask a trainer to teach us. I wouldn't mind learning how to stealth," Kyle suggested.

Suggest: to stealth --> to be stealthy

Otherwise: If it's a WoW-specific term, never mind.

> "It's settled then," spoke Serenity with a certain cheer that had been lacking minutes before. "You shall learn the ways of this world, recover my crystal, and return home safely."

Y'know, even though Matt and Kyle know more about WoW than Queen
Serenity here, the queen seems to fit this land more than they do.

> Kyle shook his head. "What's this 'you' stuff, highness? We're in this together. I hope you have some understanding of your magic, because you're going to have to learn, just as we are."

Well, you have to admit, she wasn't exactly acting out of character by
ordering you two around like that.

On the other hand, that's a lot to request from a _queen_, and a
_pregnant_ one, at that.

> Serenity looked a little taken aback by this, before giving a little sniff and shrugging it off. "I may not have the Silver Crystal, but my abilities aren't too hindered. If magic works the same way here as it does in my domain, I should be able to assist you two quite handily."

Serenity: If not, then we're royally screwed. Or you're royally
screwed. I hope you'll like saving me ten times in a row from bad guys
who keep on kidnapping me repeatedly!

> "... You're going to be a ret-pally, I just know it. You're already annoying me," Kyle said, darkly, before turning to Serenity. "So, we have a deal? We're to be a team? A party? Each helping the other for a unified goal?"

Revise: said, darkly --> said darkly

I must take the opportunity to note that I did not expect Queen
Serenity to have an active role in this adventure. Color me surprised.
This is the best part about your little story, other than the random
inclusion of a nuclear sub (which Kyle or Matt says is a boomer, I
forget) in the two self-insert's grand entrance into the queen's
palace.

> Serenity nodded, smirking slightly at his choice of words, "You'd do well in court. You can politic with the best of them, it seems."

If by "politic" you mean insult people with condescending, droll humor
more suited for Daria Morgendorffer or Nabiki Tendo.

Kyle: (rolls eyes) You'd rather get the story's sarcasm quotient from
a hot girl? Isn't that a bit of a double-standard?

...Yes. And yes. What's your point?

Kyle: Whatever.

> Serenity nodded, and took his hand, surprised at first at the strength of the grip, before matching it. He pumped his hand once, and released her, and she turned to Kyle next, repeating the process.
>
> "Well, that's much more civil than signing things in blood," Serenity stated dryly.

Kyle: There you go. Sarcasm from a hot girl. Sort of.

...It'll do.

> Kyle blinked in surprise. "You do that?"
>
> Serenity smiled mischievously, "It's the only way to make sure things are truly binding where I come from."

Serenity: Side effects may include guilt, loss of free will, and death.

> "Well there's one thing I'm not sad to see go," Kyle mumbled. Turning to the door, he glanced at the others in his party, and shrugged. "Shall we?"
>
> Matt nodded. "Lets!"

Isn't it supposed to be "Let's!"?

Also: Aren't they going to thank the healer that healed them, the
ungrateful bastards?

> Serenity nodded. "Indeed we shall." And before the others could say more, she left

Suggest: Indeed, we

> the room, Matt and Kyle following, as they began their quest for the Silver Crystal.
>
> Xxxx Omake xxxxX
>
> "How was I supposed to know it wouldn't work?" Jax asked.
>
> Shane rolled his eyes. "For the last time, you're a mage, not a priest. Trying to

Shane: Dammit, Jim, you're a captain, not a priest!

> resurrect someone when all you can cast is fireball is a BAD IDEA."
>
> "... I just hope we can find all the pieces..." Vaun added, sagely.

Revise: added, sagely --> added sagely

> Xxxxx
>
> Authors Notes: (Magus): And that's a wrap. I even threw in the Omake. You wouldn't believe the number of times I've just randomly gone off on a tangent during my boredom then erase it all to get back to what I was doing.

Judging from what I've seen from the story, I can imagine.

> I suppose I should save those. Maybe make an extra NASIF Outtakes collection or something. Anyway. Here's Chapter 3. Chapter 4 will be worked on some more tonight. Probably posted this weekend sometime.
>
> (Tannim) : ...

NASIF Outtakes? Er, okay.

MC Hammer: ~Doorooroo--Stop. GRAMMAR TIME!~

Summary of Broken Grammar Rules:

Grammar Rule #1: Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

Grammar Rule #10: No sentence fragments.

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.
Parenthetical words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

Grammar Rule #26: Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it
when its not needed and use it correctly with words' that show
possession.

Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Grammar Rule #55: When you write sentences, shifting verb tense is bad.

Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional
puns/homonym-type spilling mistakes because their usually hard to
fined using a spellchecker.

Grammar Rule #76: Proper capitalization is the difference between "I
helped my Uncle Jack off a horse," and "I helped my uncle jack off a
horse."

Grammar Rule #81: Ellipses, as a general rule, are three periods (...)
or four periods if you're using it to terminate a sentence after a
character trailed off or whatever (....). It's never just two periods
(..), that's just wrong.

Grammar Rule #83: When there's a speech indicator (said, asked,
replied, pondered, elaborated) indicating that the dialogue (anything
the character says inside the quotation marks) is being said by the
'speaker' (hence 'speech indicator'), and you're ending the speaker's
dialogue with a period instead of an exclamation point or a question
mark, please replace the period with a comma. If there's no speech
indicator in the following statement after the dialogue, then the
following sentence is a separate sentence that has nothing to do with
the dialogue.

Grammar Rule #85: A noun and the words that modify that noun must
agrees in number. How many time do people break this rule anyway?

As for the story itself: Self-insert fics are... an acquired taste.
With that said, objectively speaking, this fic has a lot going for it.
This isn't half-bad, even though its genre is not to my taste from the
get go. AFAIK, the entrance that Tannim and Kagato did was unique
enough, and even though Kagato isn't exactly the most sympathetic of
characters, it doesn't really matter in the overall context of the
fic. The grammar, while not perfect, is better than most SIs I've
read, and the plot development, though a bit slow, is interesting. One
particular saving grace the fic has is the fact that its imagery is
quite evocative and powerful, which is always a good sign. I
particularly liked the gratuitous submarine entrance, if that's not
obvious enough in my comments above.

On the other hand, that's not to say that this fic isn't without its
faults. As indicated by the grammatical errors above, it's quite plain
to see that this fic isn't exactly the most grammatically sound
stories out there. Also, while Kyle is hardly breaking ground by being
the resident jerk of the team, the "casualty/causality" thing really
ruined the mystique he was attempting to convey. Matt as a character
is tolerable, even though his "I'm wacky!" shtick is overdone. His
insights were more interesting than his attempts at being the Laurel
of the Laurel and Hardy team they've formed. I can't say much about
the WoW elements, since I'm WoW illiterate.

With that said, I will admit that this could develop into an
interesting story, given that Queen Serenity plays an active role in
this quest, they did a little twist in the middle of the story by
placing the two Gen X-Boxers and the Queen into the WoW universe and
whatnot. Nice bait and Switch there, fic. Also, even though I find
Kyle modestly intolerable (strictly IMO), his character isn't grating
enough to make me want to instantly delete this fic from my inbox.
Besides which, I think Serenity is kind of stealing the show with the
way her character is being developed by this side quest with two
ordinary strangers from another world. It's all very intriguing
indeed.

At any rate, I shouldn't be too hard on self-inserts. Even though the
genre suffers from Sturgeon's Law (what genre doesn't?), a lot of good
works have been made from it. I particularly like
CarrotGlace's/Contrabardus's works and Cevn's Trial by Tenderness is
particularly effective, if only for his efforts to class his writings
up by trying to merge Norse mythology with AMG mythology. IMO, your
fic runs somewhere in between the extremes of Trial by Tenderness and
(for lack of a better fic to use an example) Artemis's Lover. It's
more of the same self-insert action, but the twists and turns make it
unique enough to stand up on its own as a decent fic.

On that note, the idea of Naoko Takeuchi self-inserting herself into
the Sailor Moon universe or Rumiko Takahashi doing the same with Ranma
suddenly intrigues me (ponders). Akira Toriyama self-inserting himself
into Dragon Ball Z could count as well. Hell, Kevin Smith tends to
have fun doing such things. But I'm getting ahead of myself. You've
made a decent fic. Let's see how it develops.

Keep on writing,
Abdiel

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering to
tell you anymore, that's a very bad place to be. Your critics are the
ones telling you they still love you and care."