[FFML] [Fate/Stay Night, Mai Hime, Sailor Moon] Unlimited Food Porn (HAS NO ACTUAL PORN )

[T M]

Part three! One more section of review and then some further questions
coming eventually.


>    "My name is Daidouji Tomoyo," Akane said hastily.
I'm quite pleased that I'm actually catching most of these references.
They're a nice flourish.


> Or maybe even win to her surprise.

Comma after win.


>"Where does it go?"

"Where do you go" Saber says where she goes, not where her soul goes, so the
phrasing has to be different.


>Saber and Mamoru in the bathroom
>
>He listened, drinking it all in as she told story after
>story to him in the bathroom mirror, gestures and all,
>committing it to memory as he lived out one of his greatest
>dreams.  The Grail War would have to wait.

This whole sequence was wonderful. Saber and Mamoru's feelings come through
clearly and they feel natural together, supporting each other. Saber telling
stories in the mirror just seems right: not quite looking at him but not
quite looking away, standing side-by-side instead of face-to-face.



>was inside, playing Dig-Dug and totally getting his ass kicked.

Old-school! Man, does that game even exist anymore?


>"Are you sure this is authentic?" Older-Akane asked
>dubiously.  She had long brown hair down to the middle of
>her back and had clearly gotten a boob job since her high
>school days, though she was dressed modestly in a brown
>blouse and a black ankle-length skirt.  She had a very good
>makeup job, but more than anyone else there.

Given that she's keeping company with Mai et.al. I can easily see Akane,
shy, low-confidence Akane, feeling she needs to go the extra mile.

>DFNGRRAGS (Dying For No
>Good Reason Anime Girl Syndrome)

Heh.

>    "You can call me Joan of Arc if you like," the woman
>said.  "Like her, I do God's will," the woman continued
>cooly.  "I do not wish to hurt any of you, but if you
>interfere, it means war, and war means you kill everyone in
>your way and God will know his own.  Do you
>understand?"
>
>    "Wasn't that Simon de Montfort during the
>Albigensian Crusade, not Joan of Arc?" Older-Yukino said
>weakly.
>
>    "I thought Noah was the Ark guy," Older-Haruka said.
>"Is this a quiz call show or something?


More disinformation and that bit of pedantry is precisely Yukino's style
after dealing with Haruka for so long. I also like that Michiru, while
sounding impressively hardcore, doesn't just instantly cow them, even if she
does have the upper hand; Yukino's comment disrupts her momentum enough to
keep it interesting.

Also, "coolly" has two Ls.

>However, it seemed the best way to draw out Lancer.  If
>she got mad when he cavorted with women, it was time for
>CAVORTING.

Logical, yet oh so doomed. :)

>    Berserker got ready to get out of the car.  "Thank you
>for driving me here, Mai, I'm not old enough for a license
>and I need to conserve my energy."

Semicolon after "Mai."



>    "Thank you," he said, and now the transformation took
>him and he became the giant vaguely robotic monster
>Bunpo.

Commas after "giant" and "monster."


>    Better to sacrifice Bunpo, who she could now foresee
>was basically a lackwit who could only say his own name
>and wasn't much good except for hitting to ensure her own
>escape.

Comma after "hitting."

> And her possession of the
>gem would enable her to hide from future-prediction
>Nephrite in the future.


I think you meant to use "predicting," unless it's meant to describe hime
like an action figure.


>'MT + HR FOREVER'.

Hmm... Masaki Tenchi + Hakubi Ryoko?

>    "Swear on the Grail to transfer two of them with me to
>the third one or you will die,"

You've swapped "with" and the second "to."

>    'DAMMIT, YOU WIN AGAIN BIG BROTHER!'
>echoed in Shirou's mind as three Lesser Miracles appeared
>on his arm, giving him six.  '

So making that oath didn't use one of Illyasviel's Miracles? I thought you
needed skin contact to transfer Miracles.


>Naru had run into the men's room; between her blasts
>and his stabbing, they'd managed to cut him free and they
>now ran to join their friends.

You should probably actually use Nephrite's name in this paragraph. His
identity can be inferred, but the last named male character was Shiro.

>    "Are you Lancer's master?" Rin demanded of her.

Doesn't Rin already know that Usagi is Akane's master due to the fight with
Shinji? Plus, she saw Lancer try to kill Usagi in the opening scenes. I
would expect her to question Naru, whom she doesn't know about.

>    And then a rose hit the bullet, which exploded in the air.

Nice timing on the entrance.

>    The wind picked up some and the thunder got louder
>and closer and the lightning brighter and if things had ever
>been quiet, you could hear heard the approaching wall of
>rain.

"could HAVE heard"


>    Meanwhile, the redhead in tanktop and poofy pants
>began shooting at Rei, who desperately dodged her shots,
>but couldn't do anything to help Shiho, who laid
>unconscious next to Yumeno Yumeini.

laid->lay

>Unable to move, Rei got nailed square on by the red-
>haired tanktop wearer's shots and now a ray began pulling a
>shining red nine eight pointed star

Nine points or eight?


>"Mother!  I will save you and your future!  I will make
>the Crystal Millenium happen and then everyone will be
>safe!" the woman on the rooftop, limned in blue and gold
>shouted.  "Miyu!  STOP HER!"

Nice twist. Alyssa makes an awsome substitute for Chibi-Usa and the Crystal
Millennium thing is exactly the kind of moral tangle/inevitable tragedy that
is Mai-Hime's signature.

Two Ns in Millennium.

>"I transfer my Lesser Miracles to
>Saber to be disposed of as she sees fit!" he shouted and
>they vanished, appearing on her wrist.

Is there some way for mages to transfer Miracles without skin contact?
Mamoru is the second mage to do it.


>    Then there was a wash of thunder that drowned out
>speech and then only rain and a chill, chill wind.


The whole park scene was really good. Good pacing/tension and the fight
builds to an explosive climax. Mamoru's rescue of Rei and Saber, at the cost
of getting killed, feels appropriately dramatic. Speaking of killed, I was
sad the first time I read this because it looked like Mamoru/Saber was
finished. Given that I basically never care about pairings, I'd say you did
this one well. :) Giving us this:

>But now the discipline was starting to break under the
>influence of the light.  Her master was so handsome and
>honorable and knew she was a woman and he respected her
>and in this time, she didn't have to hide who she was.  He
>would love her if she went to him; was he not kind and
>compassionate to her as a lover should be?

just before killing Mamoru just made it worse. Personally, I consider the
battle in the park to be like episode 16 of My-Hime where Nagi tells them
about the Carnival; this marks the transition between the ordinary
adventures and "everything goes to hell."


>"No, this was an adult, who chose to give her life to
>save people she cared about," Taiga-sensei said.  "I think it
>happened again, too, but that time I barely felt it.  But the
>first time..."


Why the difference in intensity?

>    Mai felt a hand grab her heart and squeeze.  "He's the
>one who died?" she asked, mortified.

I don't think "mortified" is the right word; she's not embarrassed and she's
not practicing mortification of the flesh.

>Older-Yuuichi came and embraced
>Older-Shiho and put a hand on Older-Mai and Older-
>Mikoto hugged Older-Mai, a hand on Older-Shiho.

Oxford comma between  "Older-Mai" and "and," otherwise it initially reads
like Yuuichi is reaching around Shiho to put one hand on Mai and one on
Mikoto.


>"She is a desperate, angry, lonely, lost, desperate
>child.

I'm not sure if you meant to list desperate twice or not.

>    "How can you be so calm?" Rei demanded angrily.
>
>    "Oh, for my family, this is what we call 'the situation
>around lunch time'," Sailor Pluto said.  "You get used to it."

:D

>    Luna's eyes crossed.  Yoruichi was mostly a good
>person to work with but her taste for practical jokes was not
>to Luna's tastes.
>
>    "AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!"
>
>    Especially when it meant setting off the high strung
>DEATH NINJA Soi Fon.

Hah! :)


>    "Or it was used to scam you into accepting Galahad
>into your court so that you all would then self-destruct in
>the Grail Quest, leaving your kingdom crippled and weak
>and the Round Table broken, while he healed his injured
>grandfather and then just took off," Rei said, frowning.
>She'd never thought of it this way before but suddenly it
>seemed rather suspicious.

Veeeery interesting, though the blade couldn't have originally been designed
for the grail quest, since the dolorous stroke had not yet occurred so there
was no need. Perhaps it was originally intended to assassinate Vivianne, and
Balin's latter actions against King Pellam fall under "unintended
consequences?"


>    "But Arthur is impotent!," Brisen said.  "He has been
>married to the most beautiful woman in the world for over
>thirty years with no children!  Either he only lies with men
>or he must be impotent!  Surely he and Lancelot are..."

Slash fandom in the middle ages. :)

>    Saber moved in a blur and the five knights found
>themselves disarmed, holding shattered bits of metal.  The
>flats of the blade came

Blade should be plural.

>Rin wasn't surprised she was displeased.

You need either a "while" at the start or a "but" after "surprised." Or
possibly just a comma after "surprised."

>The sigil now lit up her eyes widened and
>then light erupted upwards, nearly blinding them all.

Comma or semicolon after "lit up."

>    "Also, apparently so is Umino and some other guy,"
>Akira said.

So, Akira thinks Mercury is a Servant and Ryo the Master, eh?

>"Are you okay?" she whispered.  She knew Rei had
>loved Mamoru, but he'd left her for Usagi...and yet, he had
>died for her.  To save her.  So probably Usagi was an EVIL
>WITCH who had ensorceled him.  But she would deal with
>Usagi later.

Given Mamoru's track record, being mind-controlled is actually a plausible
option. :)

>     THE HOLY TRIO, THE DAUGHTERS OF
>THE NORNS THEMSELVES
>...
>"To Yumeni is given the power to see all things past,
>to Rei the power to see the future, and to Shiho, mastery
>over the present!"

When they discussed this with Pluto, Shiho was future and Rei present.
Admittedly, Saber is making this up.

>and slew Sir Gorlon, the Invisible Knight
Earlier you call the Invisible Knight Sir Pelleas.

>He was in his sixties as well, but skinny and
>spry as ever, like the others, his body did not match his age.

One of two commas needs to be a semicolon.

>    Arthur looked utterly lost and confused like a man
>who saw an oncoming train...and didn't know what a train
>was. But his best guesses were not too comforting.

Heh.

>    The Grail command both forced her to leave and
>empowered her to move so fast and stealthfully that she
>easily evaded Miyu and Alyssa, streaking off to carry out
>Shingo's final command.

I believe stealthfully should be stealthily.


>    Poor child, she must be so lonely, Yukino thought.
>But I'm sure she'll be fine.  Her father loves her very much.
>
>    Hotaru knew that was the problem, not the solution.

Really, you could say that about a lot of Mai-Hime events, which is part of
why the series had such impact.


>    Kay grinned the shit-eating smile which meant 'I WIN
>AGAIN MOTHERFUCKERS'

Hahaha!

>Guenevere sat back and took Arthur's hand, and they
>both watched, very quiet and calm.  Like Arthur, she was
>usually at her most turmoil inside when calmest appearing
>outside.

Turmoil isn't an adjective and you can't use "most" with it, since
"trumoiled" isn't a word.

>    "You'd be surprised," Rei mumbled, but no one heard
>her.

This seems out of place. Is it meant to be a response to Guenevere's
comments about granting favors to women? If so, it should be moved next to
it.

>    "Still got it," Sir Gawaine said, grinning, but then his
>wife whispered to him and his eyes crossed.

Ha!

>    Some people accused him of doing it deliberately.

Double Ha!

>He had lost
>himself to his family's flaw in the final years of disaster and
>she and he had become Berserker in the fourth Grail war.

Remove "she and" from after "disaster and."

>her first master had largely turned her loose on her own and
>used her to distract his enemies; her second master had
>taught her the true nature of kingship

Earlier, Saber mentions that she remembers ALL the Grail Wars, but here she
has only participated in two.

>    "We can't do anything for him here.  I'm sure Akira
>will protect him.  He always does," Ikuko said reassuringly.
>
>   Akira had already mounted up on Gennai and was
>flying back to Fuyuki City, or that would have broken her
>completely.

One of the reasons I think the Mai-Hime and Arthurian elements are fitting
so smoothly is because they both share the elements of heartbreak and doomed
tragic nobility.

>    "I don't know," Akane confessed.  "I've just met Mai
>and Suguira-sensei and Fujino-san."  She sighed.  "Fujino-
>san is pretty much a crazed killer.  I would never have
>expected it."

So she doesn't know that version of Shizuru is a servant?

>    "We're not watching at all!" Rin said, feeling a surge
>of jealousy.  "We wouldn't want to see Shirou with his shirt
>off at all!"

Despite being similar to the joke I complained about earlier I found this
funny. I have no idea why the difference.

>As people
>streamed into the Round Table chamber, a slumbering lion,
>old and clearly not long for this world, rushed across the
>room and tried feebly to pounce on Arturia.  She caught the
>lion, holding him up on his hind legs and embracing him.
>"Prester John, you're such a good boy," Arturia said,
>ruffling his mane as he purred and looked at her through his
>one good eye.

Cute. :)

>It couldn't be the literal
>throne, but if it was connected to it.

Either end with an ellipse or remove the "if."

>It had helped to devastate the city in the last war she
realized now.

In this continuity I thought the great fire was caused by Assassin before
the end of the war.

>    The second bolt punched through the city and across
>it, out of sight.

Did you mean "through the ceiling?"

>    "YOU MUST KILL HER," the booming voice said
>form the cloud.

form->from

>    "Of course," Sakura said.  "We will annihilate them,"
>she said, her voice harsh.  Her eyes blazed with purple fire.
>"Those who get in the way of love will pay in fire and
>blood."
>
>    Everyone stared at her, and Shirou said, "Isn't that
>overdoing it, Sakura?"  His voice wobbled with shock.
>
>    "If anyone killed you, I would rip out their heart,"
>Sakura said cheerfully.
>...
>    "I would have to rip it out for you, master," Lancer
>said to Sakura.  "I fear you're not strong enough."

Yanderes of the world unite!

>everyone believed him the
>son of Lot, but he was actually a homoniculous made by
>Morgan and planted in her sister Morgan's womb.


The second Morgan should be Morgause

>    "I like you, girl," Medea said.  "I need to introduce
>you to my ex-husband, Jason.  He's around here
>somewhere."
>
>    "You need to meet Perseus too," Medusa said.
>
>    Hanging out with ancient heroes for eternity was kind
>of cool, but when one out of every seven of them, maybe
>more, had fits of berserkergang...it was good Natsuki's guns
>had infinite magical ammo.

Heh.

>    The light coming from her forehead coalesced into a
>person, a somewhat muscular man with short white hair,
>wearing black pants, a red tunic, and twin swords at his hip.
>For just a moment, Ikkuko regretted being married.
>
>    "I am the Red Counter-Guardian," the man said, then
>kissed Ikkuko's hand.
>
>    Kenji frowned at the man, who clearly wished Ikkuko
>wasn't married either. And might not let it stop him.

He's clearly channeling Akio. :)

>    The snow in the parking lot suddenly churned and a
>huge black sedan with a lot of probably unnecessary artistic
>flourishes evocative of bats on it exploded upwards out of
>the snow and then did a bootlegger reverse.  Its giant jet
>afterburner kicked in and it took off at super-high speed,
>sending snow flying everywhere.

Bwahahahaha! Also, a cool car is a clear sign of further Akio-ness.

> "However, once this is all complete, I will
>become a counter-guardian, eternally unaging, as is the
>case of all heroic spirits."

All heroic spirits? I thought they all got eaten by the Grail?

>"Oh god, we're headed right towards Motoki's
>apartment as well as that guy's house," Jupiter groaned.

Who is "that guy?"


>flying
>along on a huge glowing blue serpent creature which just
>went straight to flying without bothering with wings or
>visible means of support.  He was just cool like that.

Heh.




On Thu, Mar 4, 2010 at 8:26 PM, John Biles <john at biles.us> wrote:

> On Tue, Feb 23, 2010 at 8:29 AM, T M <allbait10 at gmail.com> wrote:
>

> >    "That's probably Saber," Rei said.
> >
> > I really do enjoy all the speculation about who's who. Parts of this
> remind
> > me of "A Night In the Lonesome October." Given that "A Night In the
> > Lonesome
> > October" is tied with "The Book of Night With Moon" for my favorite book
> of
> > all time, that's not a bad thing.
> >
> >
> I like Night in the Lonesome October too.
>
Speaking of Zelazny, I once found a set of rules for playing A Night in the
Lonesome October using ADRPG rules. They weren't complete but they were
interesting.



> > >"There is no such thing as destiny," Shiho said
> > >gloomily.  "That's just a lie people use to justify stealing
> > >boyfriends.  We ought to go beat her up."
> >
> > I never really though of Rei and Shiho having any real similarities, but
> > you
> > raise a good point.
> >
>
> Heh.  And they're Mikos too.
>
Yeah, but that's what they do, not who they are. It's a bigger factor in
Rei's identity, but I barely even remembered that Shiho was a Miko; she just
doesn't do much with it.

>
> > >Well, she could give him one of the wishes, when they
> > >got the Grail.  One to bring back her family, one to kill all
> > >those bitches who had looked down on her and one for him.
> > >That's fair, she thought.
> >
> > Umino/Nao probably wins my award for "most unlikely couple ever" but I
> find
> > I'm enjoying Nao's perspective on them.
> >
>
> I love writing Nao.  I love it to death.
>

Your Nao is lots of fun to read about. :)


>
> > >    Professor Tomoe frowned.  "Two masters have fallen,
> > >four more must fall before the Grail can be summoned.
> >
> > If Shinji and Zouken both count as masters, what about Mashiro? Shouldn't
> > she count as fallen?
> >
>
> Shinji is actually a fake master (Sakura was forced to summon Assassin for
> him, then later subconsciously summoned Lancer without realizing it); I
> need
> to change this to make it work right.
>

Ah, so that's why Sakura didn't have an Lesser Miracle tatoos; she
transfered them to Shinji and Lancer must have never gotten around to
transferring Shinji's Miracles back to Sakura. I was wondering why Shirou
didn't notice them when they had sex. I guess the "Masters can only summon
one Servant" rule is another human rule.

Thanks for the feedback!
>
Pleased to be of service.
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