[FFML] [Fate/Stay Night, Mai Hime, Sailor Moon] Unlimited Food Porn (HAS NO ACTUAL PORN )

[T M]

It's a wild ride.

>    Sailor Star Mercury thought about her boyfriend.
>With him dressed in his bathing suit and her dressed just
>like Alyssa and...and...

Oops.

Blue Lady is an intersting twist on Dark Lady. Thematically similar but
different enough to be interesting.

>This disrupted Blue Lady's use of the Blue Rainbow
>Crystal, freeing a battered Star Sailor Jupiter to go on the
>counter-attack.

If you're going to use "to go on the" I think you should use "offensive"
instead of "attack" but I'm not certain.

>    Nao curiously gave Reika to Akane, then started
>laughing as she saw the future.  Sailor Star Moon now used
>Moon Healing Escalation on Bokushi, turning him back
>into the priest.

Is that the priest from the church Rin was in when it burned down? The one
who's dead body was found?

>Inside the orb floated the Gem of Wrath now.

Leaving "now" off the end of the sentence makes it tighter.

>Miyu dissolved away into black and
>yellow sparkles which now suddenly were sucked away as
>the Grail took her.

You don't need now in the sentence either.

>"I do not currently have a lover," Rei thought.

Rei said.

>    "Now, now, Gormlaith, she's surrounded by 149 men
>and we're not; you're in no place to criticize," Yvette said
>teasingly.

Heh.

>    "I welcome it!" Leonidas shouted, grabbing his armor
>and shield and charging at them.

So he wasn't already wearing his armor? Or did he grab his weapon and
shield?

>Just to be sure, he sent squires to get more swords and began
>moving the fallen knights so Tristam couldn't mistake them
>for Mark or Casca or Caligula or something and kill them.

Heh.

>who were starting to get whiplash from turning back and
>forth back and forth as her music and his invocations of the
>111 secret names of God did battle.

Comma between "forth" and "back."

>    "Then this means war," King Solomon said, pulling
>out two flasks capped with rubies with inscriptions like his
>ring, but mirror-reversed.  "You know King Pellam's
>orders, men.  Have at them!"

I would say that the theme song for this battle should be "The Ultimate
Showdown of Ultimate Destiny" but that's true of basically the whole fic.

>And then she saw something and with instinct moved

"moved instinctively" scans better, to my eye.

> "FOR MY LIFE ITSELF IS A WORK OF ART!"
>Yumeni shouted.  "VICTORIOUS BEAUTY
>REVELATION!"

Not as awesome as the original but a nice homage nonetheless.

>She bore Marc Anthony in her right hand and Octavian in her left.

Earlier you mentioned Augustus, not Octavian. Did you mean to switch?

I know the original Shadow was Binah/Veena but don't recognize Katsumi.
Where is she from?

> "Would you rather I be like
>this in public or in private?," she asked, arms around him.

I see Yumeni has read her Chaucer, though I'm surprised she felt the need to
test him like that.

>'big sister' was going to mock her when 'big sis' came for
>her soul,

*snicker*

>A stereotypical witch hat

witch->witch's

Nice costumes though. :)

>"You sound like a Yumi to me," Artemis said, then in
>a high pitched voice said, "Hi, I'm Yumi, and I'm a new
>student here at..."
>
>"YOU WILL NEVER SPEAK OF THAT AGAIN!"

Are we supposed to know what he's talking about, or do we just not get an
explanation?

>her tiara had the Red
>Gem set in it.

No on else is mentioned as having a tiara so I would suggest phrasing this
as "she wore a tiara with the Red Gem set in it." As it is it sounds like
the others are supposed to have tiaras as well, just without the Red Gem.

>    "I'd better go human if we're going to have group sex,"
>Artemis said.

Hahahaha!

>    Rin could not help but cackle.
Likewise.

> "METEOR FALLS, EVERYONE DIES!"

Woohoo!

>    "I think we've been wandering in this woods for days,"
Plurality disagreement between "this" and "woods."

>    Maybe not quite all the crazy removed.

Heh.

> A horde of
>youma flew with her and around her, reality was twisting
>and bending as the Dark Kingdom strove to write itself
>over the city.

Delete the comma or change it to a semicolon.

>    All would have been lost, except...
>
>    BATMOBILE OUT OF NOWHWERE!
:D
I like it, but I think the Batmobile's surprise value would be higher if you
didn't provide a sentence warning the reader that something was about to
save them.

>"Beryl!  Surrender now
>so I don't get bitched out by my Mistress when she
>remembers she forgot to tell me to find you too!"

Now that's motivation!

>...okay, Nao wasn't reluctant AT ALL...
Ah, Nao.

>Wait...how am I
>speaking...WHAT AM I SPEAKING?

You know, know that she mentions it...

>"You are indeed," he said.  "So are we really going to
>Arthur or am I a very lucky man?"

I'm liking Morded.

>    "Don't say things like that," Arturia said fiercely.
>"You have ruled well and Britain is at peace."

What a difference, eh? She really is different. Or it's just easier to
praise someone else, even if that someone else is sort of technically her.

> Beryl kept trying to
>blast him but she was at core, Ninja,

Comma after was.

>Dark Shinji (who
>somehow looked less evil than normal Shinji), Dark
>Zouken (hard to tell any difference from the normal
>Zouken), Dark Illyasviel, Dark Endymion, Dark Miyu (also
>hard to tell from regular flavor Miyu, except she wore
>black) and Dark Shingo (who was not very impressive at
>all).

Heh.

>"And tell Shirou that if he plays his cards
>right, he can have two sisters and not just one!"

He is SO AKIO.

>"Endymion is Mother's husband but he's not my
>father," Small Lady Blue said softly.  "But don't tell
>anyone, it's a secret.  My Daddy is Prince Archer; he made
>Miyu for me to protect me, using his Heart World.  And my
>Mother is also my Mommy and she's Queen Serenity.

That, I was not expecting.

>    I AM BAST-KUN, MASTER OF THE UNSEELIE,
No quotation marks. Is he speaking telepathically?

>complete with a draconic evoking helmet.

I think you evoke dragons, not draconic. A draconic helm is already evoking
dragons and I don't believe you can double up on the evoking like that.

>She held a double lightsabre in
>one hand and something heart shaped

Hyphenate heart-shaped. Reverse the "re" in "lightsaber."

> "Oh great, I have to dress skankier than my evil self,"
>Rin grumbled.

Heh. Oh, for this to be animated instead of written...

> She's the patron of my profession."

Wow. Talk about a gut-punch...

>    "But wouldn't you rather we bring Archer over to join
>us and then you could have a threesome with two of me."
>
>    Dark Rin's eyes crossed and she drooled a little.
>
>    Rin and Archer now began gibbering in tongues in
>unison as their brains melted.

I do so love Rin. Both of her.

>    "Of course, mechanics get hot and sweaty and have to
>take long showers with their wives at the end of a long
>day," Shirou said.

Smart man.


>    "Shouldn't you be kind of skanky looking?" Taiga-
>sensei said.  "And Dark Mai ought to be skanky too.  She's
>hiding from her sexuality, right?"
>
>    "I'm actually mostly naked but you can't tell because
>I'm on fire," Dark Mai said.  "Also, none of the people I
>want to have sex with are here, so I was going to skip that,
>since Dark Archer and Dark Sakura are way better at being
>skanky than I am."

Heh.

>    "I rule," Taiga-sensei said.
>
>    "We totally rule," Darth Taiga-sensei said.

Double heh.

>    "Are we going to have a deep discussion of our
>personality?" Artemis asked Bast-kun hopefully.
>
>    I AM GOING TO CRUSH YOU FLAT!, he said,
>charging at Artemis.
>
>    "HELP!" Artemis said, running, but everyone was too
>wrapped up in their psychodrama to notice.

But it's such entertaining psychodrama!

>    WHY HAVE YOU NOT KILLED EMIYA SHIROU,
>THE RED COUNTER-GUARDIAN?
>
>    "I...he's kind of cute and I was hoping..." Mistress
>Nine began.

A-KI-O!

>    "But I..."  Shirou thinks of me as a lover, not a sibling,
>Sakura thought.  He treats me wonderfully.  My sibling did
>horrible things to me.  Ergo, it's better that Taiga-sensei
>think of me as a lover so she will be kind to me like Shirou,
>like I want her to be kind to me.  She tried to find the hole
>in the logic but wasn't seeing it.

Damn, Dark Sakura is making a really good sales pitch.

>and the fact that I
>have naughty thoughts about my sister is making me kind
>of nervous and I SAID IT OUT LOUD."

Woohoo!

>    "Join me.  I want your sense of style and your
>professionalism and I WANT TO GET OUT OF THIS
>DAMN OUTFIT,"

Heh. I also like that Rin is the one who basically seduces her evil
doppleganger rather than vice versa.

I would quote good bits out of the Sakura/Dark Sakura/Shirou/Dark Shirou
conversation but that would basically be the entire conversation. Dark
Sakura is an excellent manifestation of how Sakura's repressed feelings
could be expressed and she gives an incredibly effective sales pitch. Dark
Sakura liking Shirou's hard work at being a mechanic was a nice touch.

Taiga was hilarious and it makes sense that she wouldn't have too much
conflict as she's a lot like Suguira.

I think Mai's was actually the weakest. It was still good, but it wasn't up
to the same standard as the others. At a guess, it's because so much of it
was covered in a big block of epiphany rather than through dialoge like the
others.

Lancer and Shizuru are, of course, hilarious. My favorite bit:
>    "Perhaps if we cultivate selective amnesia, we could
>go back to the old days," Lancer said.
>
>    "When we hid the crazy better?" Shizuru continued.


You know, I was initially skeptical of the whole "quest to understand
yourself inside the reality-marble" thing since it seemed kind of random and
side-questy, but it's turned out to be one of my favorite parts due to the
combination of character insight and humor.

>    "We should kill her," Lancer said to Shizuru.

Nice to see some things haven't changed. :P

>    Yukino saw two of Shizuru and her brain tried to die.
>She hid behind Nao.

Yeah, that would be pretty traumatic.

>    "Usagi, once the food is ready, the three of us need to
>talk.  Four, four of us," Mai said.

I realized later that this was Usagi, Mai, Sakura, and Shirou, but at the
time I was in the dark about who she was referring to. Or which one she
accidentally left out when she said "three."

>    "It's okay.  It's all Rider's fault," Naru said angrily.
>"But it sounds like she died."

I'm a little disappointed this lie didn't lead to more intercine warfare,
but I guess there just wasn't anyplace to put it.

>"DADDY," Small Lady Blue said,

If she isn't under the effects of the blue crystal and has reverted to
childhood, shouldn't she just be "Small Lady" now, without the "Blue"?

>    Then Eudial fell from the sky onto her head, giving
>her other things to think about.

Ah, the classics.

>    "He'll understand and forgive and accept you," Venus
>said.  "You did what he had to.

Is this supposed to be "You did what YOU had to."?

>"The best man in the world told me to guard you, so
>guard you I will," Eudial said.  "You can call me Sailor
>Speargun."

By that same token, doesn't she have a message for Shirou too? A sexy, sexy
message?


>"But she..." Older-Mai began hesitantly.

I'm not sure what Older-Mai is about to say here.

>    "Part of magic is that you can pretty much handle any
>climate and BREATHE IN SPACE," Taiga-sensei said.
>
>    "We can...you know, Mai can breathe in space," Nao
>said.

Hah. Quite true though.

>    There was a nice palace now, surrounding the hot
>springs, the place Shirou would have built if he could.

"Place" does work, but so does a second "Palace," so I'm not sure if this is
a typo or not.

>    Avalon split in four, shrinking away into tiny gems,
>hidden inside Mai, Shirou, Sakura, and Usagi.

This Avalon was originally summoned along with Taiga, so I'm not sure why
Usagi is chosen to carry part of it.

>    Dark Fumi flashed a plate of cookies.  "Evil has the
>BEST sugar," she said.

"Come to the dark side, we have cookies," eh?

>    She grinned back.  "No hard feelings, right?  Winner
>gets to be on top?"

They're going to be a good couple.

>    "But I've waited all my life to make you into my toy
>so I could keep you by my side forever!" Dark Illyasviel
>protested.
>
>    "Too late," Sakura said firmly.

Don't mess with the Yandere.

I noticed that you've got a couple of spellings of Kiritsugi, Kitsurugi.

>Alexander the Great, the Lancer of the Fourth Grail
>War

I though he was Chariot?

>    EVEN WITH ONE OF THE GEMS OF POWER,
>YOU STILL WILL PERISH AT THE HANDS OF MY
>SERVANTS.  THERE ARE ONLY FIVE OF YOU.

Five? You only mentioned four:Sailor Star Mars, Katsumi, Shiho, and
Arturia.  I don't think Yumeni really counts as separate from Katsumi.

>The sky ripped open and now one hundred and forty-
>nine Knights of the Round Table poured forth, each of
>them a legend, each of them a Heroic Spirit, who had
>bound themselves to Arturia's legend, and at their head
>rode King Arthur and Guenevere, sharing a horse, with
>Lancelot and Kay at their sides.

How does this work, when Lancelot and Arthur are already here? If this
summons them from the Throne of Heros rather than being a form of time
travel Lancer and Arthur shouldn't be summonable. Ditto Sir Marhaus from the
third Grail War.

>Rin's father, Tohsaka Tokiomi possessed exactly the same Magic
>Crest as Rin, given she inherited his after his death.

So, the Grail is providing him with a simulation of the Magic Crest he had
when alive, using its own power?

Rin vs. her father was a good battle. Nice character bit with Robin Hood at
the end.

>"As the mightiest of
>Kings, I CLAIM THIS WORLD FOR ME!  Shirou,
>Sakura, the fact that this BASTARD hated you is enough
>for me to conclude you must be wonderful people!  I invite
>you to become the first of my companions!"

Awesome. Can other Dark Servants beat up their Dark Masters or is Alexander
just special?

>    If he hadn't been glowing with dark energy, she
>probably would have said yes and tried to convince Shirou.
>He and Berserker had tried so hard to save her before that
>bitch Saber...Arturia...killed them.
>
>    Now Arturia was here, on her side, but she didn't like
>Arturia and never would.  If she joined her uncle, she could
>help him defeat Arturia before she...

Oooh, vengance!

>    Dark Sakura reached into the Avalon within her heart
>and brought forth a magnificent huge plum purple

DARK Sakura?

>    This meant Shizuru was still very fast, but now the
>strength of her strikes, once fuelled by battle-madness, was
>now much less.

You only need one "now"

> That was going to make this much harder,
>especially since her third Noble Phantasm, Elegant
>Lesbian,

O.o

>He roared off in his chariot, secure in the delusion he would
>soon rule this world as the Grail's subordinate, then
>overthrow it and rule in his own right, for was he not the
>son of Zeus?

Amusingly, Alexander's limitless confidence reminds me of Gurren Laggen.

>This was going to require some thought, Shizuru said,
>producing a cup of tea and sipping.

If Shizuru said that it needs quotation marks.

>perching on
>anything perchable.  Katsumi circled overhead, trying to
>figure out how best to leverage her powers.  She'd tried
>creating a wall to hem him in but he'd just jumped up and
>perched on the top, then threw a rose at her.

First in Perching?

>    "Then when you are reborn by the power of the Grail
>after I slay you, I will preside over your wedding to him
>myself!  In honor of your glory and skill!  Now, let us
>resolve as we failed to last time, which of us is truly the
>greatest Monarch of all time!"
>
>    And then he came at Saber like the falling of an
>avalanche.

The man certainly has more class than Gilgamesh.

>    Saber dropped his Excalibur, pulled the rose from
>behind her ear and poured every drop of mana into it she
>could cram into it.

Suggest "and poured in every drop of mana she could cram into it." rather
than the double "into it"s.

>"THIS WORLD IS MINE," Alexander shouted as the
>darkness boiled out of him.  He touched the rose.  "We are
>engaged, then!  Together, we will defeat the Grail and rule
>this world!"

Bwahahaha!

>"First comes conquest, then comes
>marriage, and then we'll need an entire second chariot for
>the kids!"

Arturia and Alexander sitting in a chariot, F-I-G-H-T-I-N-G.

>Ramses II was Chariot.  Victor at the battle of
>Meddigo, the battle of which we have a record, he was
>indeed quite strong.

What do you mean by "the battle of which we have a record?" Is there some
other battle of Meddigo we don't have a record of?

>    Arthur could parry Morgan's spells or resist them with
>Excalibur, and but the arrows whizzing around Guenevere
>rather worried him.

Remove the "and."

>Bors and Lancelot waded through El Cid's Army of
>Reconquista Crusaders; they were not heretics or moslems,
>so it didn't work so well.

Which one of them isn't working so well? Neither group is heretics or
moslems/sarcens, but both could reasonably have an advantage against people
who were, so it's unclear.



> "I suppose it's time for us
>to go bail out Lancelot and Bors."
>
>    "You're relishing the chance to say that," Arthur said,
>smiling just a little.
>
>"Oh yeah."

Likewise. :)

>Rick James had been summoned from the future
>by House Einzbern in an experiment during the Second
>Grail War, hoping that time was a wheel and this would put
>him so far in the past he'd be virtually invincible.

Plausible yet silly. I like it.

>Shiho finally got a break and called Older-Yukino,
>who ran a scan.  Rick James liked publicity and thus was,
>in fact, more vulnerable to scanning.

Funny, but shouldn't that be Older-Shiho?

>Older-Shiho now half-flashed everything.  She still
>had a bra on.

Not quite half-naked but I guess it gets the job done.

>"Nice right hook, Yuuichi!" Older-Mikoto said
>cheerfully.  She then began stabbing Rick James and Older-
>Mikoto did likewise,

You have two Older-Mikoto's

>However, she faced a flying giant tiger that shoots
>tornados that cause explosive decompression

Since this is description, not dialog, "shoots" should be "shot" so the
tenses agree. Ditto for "caused."

>Nao was starting to bleed a lot and the
>she foresaw what would come.

the->then

> No one could break into Avalon while it was
>inside the heart

This scans a bit oddly. I think it's because "the heart" sounds like a
specific heart, rather than "someone's heart" or possibly "Shirou's heart."

>Sailor Star Venus was bleeding, trying to move around
>and shield Umino and counter-fire was too much and Dark
>Ninja seemed to have INFINITE amounts of mana to burn
>and was just moving like crazy.

I believe the comma should be a semicolon.

>And Nao couldn't even get to the
>knife to free her without being finished herself.

The most recent "her" in the paragraph refers to Dark Ninja. I suggest
replacing this "her" with just "Venus."

>    "Don't cry, Juliet," Umino said.  "It's going to be okay,
>don't worry," he said urgently, as if her crying was more
>important than HIM BLEEDING TO DEATH.  "It hurts to
>see you cry."

Nao is great through this whole section.

>    "Akira, I'm sorry!  Takumi would have been fine if not
>for me!

It's been a while since I saw My-Hime but I thought Shiho killed
Gennai/Takumi.

>Yukino was dressed as a Star
>Senshi, Sailor Star Titan, drawing power from Sailor Star
>Saturn, their lives tied together.

A nice relationship, and more logical than linking her to Titan itself.

>"Sailor Moon can heal him and you and you
>can be together, it's what you really want, right?"

Originally I thought you accidentally just repeated "and you" twice. While I
see what you meant, I suggest "him and you" to "you both" to avoid
confusion.

>"FUCK THE GRAIL," Nao said hotly.

That's Nao alright.

>Venus took it was well and it blazed light.

was->as

>"You three are really stubborn," Nao croaked.  "But so
>am I."

 Heh.

>"Your mom is not going to sleep with
>me if you die, so DO NOT DIE," he said to Usagi.
>
>    "HEY!  What about me!"  Eudial said angrily.
>
>    "Look, we can get her husband to double-team you
>with me, so you can see what a double-guy threesome is
>like," he said to her.  "That's fair, right?"
>
>    "Is he hot?"
>
>    Sailor Star Moon tried to speak but no words would
>come out AT ALL.

Bwahahaha!

>"If you like geeky guys, he's hot, if not, not," Venus
>said.
>
>    "So he is hot, if not as hot as my little Gurio-kun,"

Nao sticks up for her man.

>She could see
>the path more clearly now that she could believe in more of
>the possibilities.

I liked how this whole idea was handled.

>    And people call ME skanky, Nao thought, looking at
>her.  Though Umino would love that outfit...

Heh.

>I wonder if she likes older men, Older-Reito thought.

Hah!

>    There was a huge surge of darkness and Naru
>appeared, crackling with darkness.  She had Dark Tomoe
>and Dark Kaolinite with her.

No Dark Nephrite?

>    Hordes of Daimons were closing in as the Senshi
>opened fire and others move to protect everyone.

"move" needs to be in the past tense and depending on how many people are
moving you may want a "the" before "others."

>Shirou, Sakura:

Does that mean "Shirou, to Sakura" or "Shiro and Sakura?" I assumed it was
the latter but on second glance it looks like the former because you reverse
the order on the next line.

>    But sometimes the strength of an individual soul is not
>enough, and then it is that they may find this place and find
>help and comfort.
>
>    But also, possibly, embarrassment.

Good tone shift. Flowing rather than jarring.

>    Merlin closed his eyes and Mordred leaped out of the
>closet and kicked him in the nuts repeatedly.
>
>    "He agreed to accept that in lieu of a trial," Kay said
>apologetically.
>
>    Merlin crumpled.  "It's a fair cop."

Heh. That's one way to solve a feud.

>    The Seven Servants of Carbonek appeared.

You only list six servants, leaving out Death.

>    "But I'm going to paint it," Katsumi said.  "But first,
>I'm going to go see my boyfriend one more time!"  She
>flew off.

I would suggest moving this closer to "has yet to be written" or mentioning
that somehow. As it is, I first thought she was talking about painting
Merlin's death.

>Past marvels don't count!"

Heh.


The epilouges provide a nice sense of "life continues" rather than
"everything is resolved." I like that.

>    "That's a start," she said, relieved, and drew him down
>into a kiss, then they began questing for the Grail in each
>other's clothing.

Heh. Is that what they're calling it now?

>    Rin shot the door down, then she and Archer began
>slaughtering monsters as they poured out.  Soon, smoke
>and ashes only remained.  "Okay, level 5 cleared, only...8
>more to go."  She grimaced.

I totally assumed that paragraph was about that Lord of the Rings game from
earlier and was just meant to look like an epic quest at the start. Then I
read the next paragraph. I do so enjoy being surprised. :)

>    "Dammit, that sounded slicker in my head," he
>mumbled, then she kissed him and they laid together in the
>grass, kissing and embracing.  They just needed a little
>human contact.

Very cute.

>    "I'm in," Minako said.  "We could all three go, call it
>the Triple Quest for a boyfriend!"
>
>    They never did find out why Umino got soda up his
>nose at that and fell down.

I admit, I'm in the dark too. I can't recall any videogames called "Triple
Quest."

>    "She'll be as smart as I am one day," Rin said proudly.
>
>    "Already smarter than you," Alyssa mumbled.
>
>    "..."
>
>    "You don't have nearly my experience," Rin said.
>
>    "Yes," Alyssa confessed.  "I love you, Aunt Rin."
>
>    Rin turned red and Alyssa fell asleep totally.
>
>    "I love you too," Rin mumbled.  She'd never really had
>a family before, but now, she was totally part of one.
>
>    And she LOVED IT.

So cute. I still love Rin.

>Their biggest hit so far is a
>remake of 'Going Berserk', but I heard the whole album and
>it ROCKS."

An entire band of Berserker? THAT was a surprise.

>    "Usagi's sloppy wish has been fixed so she won't be
>sleeping with her cousin," Pluto said.

You know, I hadn't even thought of that.



All in all, I'd say you succeded in bringing both the funny and the awesome.
Cool fights backed by great characters make a thoroughly enjoyable read.
I've found the additions you made on spacebattles.com and I'll get to them
later, along with some questions.
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