[FFML] [Mai Hime, Future] Road Trip Revision

[Bert Miller]

John Biles wrote:
> I have made further revisions to Road Trip which I will post on my website
> once I get feedback on this scene revision.
>   
Guess I'd better give you some feedback, then, if I want to read more.

> I cut the whole pirate segment because I couldn't get satisfied with it and
> because I cut some future stuff I had planned.
>   
I know that feeling, having to cut something you've spent so much time 
on.  Not fun, but sometimes necessary.

I think your second version of the scene (the revision posted to your 
web site) was much improved over the first, but there was a lingering 
sense of the whole scene being perhaps out of place in this particular 
story (focused on the kids, set at two different schools, etc), so I can 
understand the decision.

> I also made large revisions to the Kagami and Shun fight the bully scene, as
> seen below:
>   
(rubs hands in glee)

>      I had not realized Mitsu-san... Kagami-san could run this fast, but I
> suppose it's a matter of motivation.
>   
So you've preserved the fast running of the mousy Mitsu, but later 
Kasumi is only outdistancing her cousins about as much as she normally 
would, given that she's a sprinter on the track team.  Seem inconsistent.

>     Two students were on the ground when she arrived with me coming up
> behind her.  One of them was about my age, a handsome but skinny brunet
> wearing slacks and a nice shirt; next to him was a lush blonde in a blue
> blouse and a knee length skirt.  I knew her very well.
>   
Oh-kay.  Well, that's certainly a change.  (But not completely 
unexpected; you did need one more girl to match the schema we see 
underground, at least if Crystal's supposed to be the center element.)

>     "April?" I said in disbelief.  Her parents moved her to another school
> this year; we'd gone out for a while but her parents decided Fuuka was a
> better school, so we decided to break up, as her parents didn't like me much
> anyway and we'd hardly ever see each other.
>
>     "Shun?" she said in surprise.
>
>     Looking at the guy, I felt a strong surge of jealousy and tried to crush
> it.  April and I had been over for months since her parents had sent her to
> another school and it was entirely retarded for me, who now had a
> girlfriend, to get jealous.
>
>     The heart really is a stupid thing sometimes, though.
>   
Heh.  And even more potential for intra-team rivalry and dissension!  
Hurray!

>     He charged her and she charged him and I tried to intercept and the
> result was that they basically crashed into each other and to my surprise,
> he fell on his ass.  However, he then grabbed her and they began wrestling
> around in the dirt.
>
>     I waited for the right moment and kicked him in the ass.  He lost his
> grip on her and now we both pinned him to the ground.
>
>     Kagami and I hauled the guy to his feet.  "Now," she said.  "You're
> going to stay right here until the headmaster gets here."
>
>     "You'll regret this!," he said.  "Hey, guys!"
>
>     I now heard running and four other big athletes now loomed out of the
> darkness.
Another significant change, but nothing much seems to come of it.

You seem to have removed the suggestion you had in the original scene 
that Yuki was under the influence of shifting black shadows.

>   "Aren't you done yet?" one of them, a redhead, said to Yuki, then
> looked at me curiously.  "Skinny little shit like that kicked your ass?"
>
>     Double crap.
>
>     "April, get your boyfriend out of here," I said.  "Kagami, cover their
> retreat."  I moved to interpose myself, wishing I had Dan's toughness.
> Still, I'm probably faster than them and there ought to be some people
> coming.
>
>     "But..." Kagami began.
>
>     "Get them to Aunt Fumi," I told her.  "We both know I'm the one who has
> been training to fight since I was six."
>   
Repeat in phrasing.  Plausible, as it's Shun thinking and saying both, 
but still repetitious.

>     "I'm not leaving you behind," she said firmly.  "April-san, get your
> boyfriend down the path!  The Headmaster's House is that way."
>
>     "It took both of them just for me," Yuki said.  "Let's paste them.  Who
> the hell are you people, anyway?"
>
>     And then Kasumi skidded to a halt next to me and I could see Crystal,
> Natasha, Dan, and Erica sprinting our way even as April and Shigeru ran.
>   
Kasumi SHOULD be out in front even if unpowered.  You might want to 
underline how far in advance she is, if your intention is that she is 
retaining her powers:
 " ...I could see Crystal and Dan sprinting full out towards us in the 
distance, with vague shadows that might be Natasha and Erica further 
back.  Geez, Kasumi must have covered two hundred meters in something 
like five seconds..."

>     Kasumi now reached into her purse and began trying to unwrap her tonfas,
> which were wrapped in dishcloths with rubberbands around them.  Probably not
> ideal for quick access.
>   
Heh!  She'd be better off trying to use them as they are, assuming she 
can actually grip them.

>     "Your mother came as part of the women in science lectures, I remember,"
> April said.  
?  This line needs some amplification, I think  On first reading I 
wasn't even sure who it was addressed to.
On subsequent reading it seems too abrupt and too much of a leap; April 
is basing this solely on a family name she's heard a couple of time, 
under rushed circumstances?
Suggest prefacing with:  "Mitsu Kagami?  Is your mother Miyuki Kagami, 
the physicist?" or some such.

> "Take good care of Shun.  He's too lazy for his own good, so he
> needs someone to ride herd on him."
>
>     Shigeru snickered and I said, "Hey!"
>
>     Kagami smiled.  "I will."
>
>     "Don't let us keep you from your date," I said.  "Good luck,
> Hayasaka-san.  Just remember every anniversary if you don't want to know
> what pain really is."  I know what pain really is.
>   
Heh.


Overall impressions:  your original objective in this scene was to 
highlight Kagami's utter lack of fighting skills as well as her 
newly-gained physical abilities.

As it now stands, you have a scene which is vaguer about Kagami nor 
Kasumi retaining their abilities (Kasumi is outracing the other cousins, 
but then, she should have been anyway, as she's on the track team [and 
if she does retain her abilities all the time, this constitutes part of 
her price, as she'll be much too fast for the track team now], and only 
one instance of showing us that Kagami lacks fighting skills.

The scene seems to have an entirely new purpose, introducing April as 
the presumed sixth Battle Princess next generation.  I think it is 
successful in this purpose, although a hint at her elemental affiliation 
would not be amiss (I didn't detect one, other than that her name and 
blouse color might hint at water).

Assuming that you didn't want to completely abandon your original 
purpose for this scene, I would suggest some further underlining of 
Kasumi's current speed (see above; and you might want to consider having 
Natasha say something stupid later:  "Wow, Kasumi!  You'll really kick 
butt on the track team now!  You can probably circle the track in the 
time everyone else will take to run the hundred meters!"),  and maybe 
keep one exchange of punches between Yuki and Kagami, where his has no 
effect and hers is a complete whiff (but possibly hitting and shaking 
the tree behind him?).  If you're trying to keep Kagami's new abilities 
secret from Shun for some reason, you might have him miss seeing the 
exchange and then discount a stunned description by Yuki.

Hope all this helps.