[FFML] [Mai Hime, Future] Road Trip Revision

[John Biles]

On Sun, May 17, 2009 at 10:06 AM, Bert Miller <hkmiller at theeddy.com> wrote:

> John Biles wrote:
> > I have made further revisions to Road Trip which I will post on my
> website
> > once I get feedback on this scene revision.
> >
> Guess I'd better give you some feedback, then, if I want to read more.


It does not hurt. :)


>
>
> > I cut the whole pirate segment because I couldn't get satisfied with it
> and
> > because I cut some future stuff I had planned.
> >
> I know that feeling, having to cut something you've spent so much time
> on.  Not fun, but sometimes necessary.
>
> I think your second version of the scene (the revision posted to your
> web site) was much improved over the first, but there was a lingering
> sense of the whole scene being perhaps out of place in this particular
> story (focused on the kids, set at two different schools, etc), so I can
> understand the decision.


The story was already huge and what purpose it served, I figured out other
things to do with it.



>
>
> > I also made large revisions to the Kagami and Shun fight the bully scene,
> as
> > seen below:
> >
> (rubs hands in glee)
>
> >      I had not realized Mitsu-san... Kagami-san could run this fast, but
> I
> > suppose it's a matter of motivation.
> >
> So you've preserved the fast running of the mousy Mitsu, but later
> Kasumi is only outdistancing her cousins about as much as she normally
> would, given that she's a sprinter on the track team.  Seem inconsistent.


That would be me screwing up, actually.  Will have to fix.  ^^;;



>
>
> >     Two students were on the ground when she arrived with me coming up
> > behind her.  One of them was about my age, a handsome but skinny brunet
> > wearing slacks and a nice shirt; next to him was a lush blonde in a blue
> > blouse and a knee length skirt.  I knew her very well.
> >
> Oh-kay.  Well, that's certainly a change.  (But not completely
> unexpected; you did need one more girl to match the schema we see
> underground, at least if Crystal's supposed to be the center element.)


That, as they say, would be telling.



>
>
> >     "April?" I said in disbelief.  Her parents moved her to another
> school
> > this year; we'd gone out for a while but her parents decided Fuuka was a
> > better school, so we decided to break up, as her parents didn't like me
> much
> > anyway and we'd hardly ever see each other.
> >
> >     "Shun?" she said in surprise.
> >
> >     Looking at the guy, I felt a strong surge of jealousy and tried to
> crush
> > it.  April and I had been over for months since her parents had sent her
> to
> > another school and it was entirely retarded for me, who now had a
> > girlfriend, to get jealous.
> >
> >     The heart really is a stupid thing sometimes, though.
> >
> Heh.  And even more potential for intra-team rivalry and dissension!
> Hurray!


Heh. :)


>
>
> >     He charged her and she charged him and I tried to intercept and the
> > result was that they basically crashed into each other and to my
> surprise,
> > he fell on his ass.  However, he then grabbed her and they began
> wrestling
> > around in the dirt.
> >
> >     I waited for the right moment and kicked him in the ass.  He lost his
> > grip on her and now we both pinned him to the ground.
> >
> >     Kagami and I hauled the guy to his feet.  "Now," she said.  "You're
> > going to stay right here until the headmaster gets here."
> >
> >     "You'll regret this!," he said.  "Hey, guys!"
> >
> >     I now heard running and four other big athletes now loomed out of the
> > darkness.
> Another significant change, but nothing much seems to come of it.


This will fall in the category of implications for later.


>
>
> You seem to have removed the suggestion you had in the original scene
> that Yuki was under the influence of shifting black shadows.
>

Aaargh.  I totally threw out the old text.  More reworking to come, I see.


>
> >   "Aren't you done yet?" one of them, a redhead, said to Yuki, then
> > looked at me curiously.  "Skinny little shit like that kicked your ass?"
> >
> >     Double crap.
> >
> >     "April, get your boyfriend out of here," I said.  "Kagami, cover
> their
> > retreat."  I moved to interpose myself, wishing I had Dan's toughness.
> > Still, I'm probably faster than them and there ought to be some people
> > coming.
> >
> >     "But..." Kagami began.
> >
> >     "Get them to Aunt Fumi," I told her.  "We both know I'm the one who
> has
> > been training to fight since I was six."
> >
> Repeat in phrasing.  Plausible, as it's Shun thinking and saying both,
> but still repetitious.


Doh


>
>
> >     "I'm not leaving you behind," she said firmly.  "April-san, get your
> > boyfriend down the path!  The Headmaster's House is that way."
> >
> >     "It took both of them just for me," Yuki said.  "Let's paste them.
>  Who
> > the hell are you people, anyway?"
> >
> >     And then Kasumi skidded to a halt next to me and I could see Crystal,
> > Natasha, Dan, and Erica sprinting our way even as April and Shigeru ran.
> >
> Kasumi SHOULD be out in front even if unpowered.  You might want to
> underline how far in advance she is, if your intention is that she is
> retaining her powers:
>  " ...I could see Crystal and Dan sprinting full out towards us in the
> distance, with vague shadows that might be Natasha and Erica further
> back.  Geez, Kasumi must have covered two hundred meters in something
> like five seconds..."


Yeah.


>
>
> >     Kasumi now reached into her purse and began trying to unwrap her
> tonfas,
> > which were wrapped in dishcloths with rubberbands around them.  Probably
> not
> > ideal for quick access.
> >
> Heh!  She'd be better off trying to use them as they are, assuming she
> can actually grip them.


I would think they would slip in her grip some like that, though it would
also minimize injury to anyone while she

>
>
> >     "Your mother came as part of the women in science lectures, I
> remember,"
> > April said.
> ?  This line needs some amplification, I think  On first reading I
> wasn't even sure who it was addressed to.
> On subsequent reading it seems too abrupt and too much of a leap; April
> is basing this solely on a family name she's heard a couple of time,
> under rushed circumstances?
> Suggest prefacing with:  "Mitsu Kagami?  Is your mother Miyuki Kagami,
> the physicist?" or some such.



Changed to:

"Mitsu...Was your mother Mitsu Mari?  I saw her at Rosewood before I left as
part of the women in science lectures, I think," April said.  "Take good
care of Shun.  He's too lazy for his own good, so he needs someone to ride
herd on him."


>
>
> > "Take good care of Shun.  He's too lazy for his own good, so he
> > needs someone to ride herd on him."
> >
> >     Shigeru snickered and I said, "Hey!"
> >
> >     Kagami smiled.  "I will."
> >
> >     "Don't let us keep you from your date," I said.  "Good luck,
> > Hayasaka-san.  Just remember every anniversary if you don't want to know
> > what pain really is."  I know what pain really is.
> >
> Heh.
>
>
> Overall impressions:  your original objective in this scene was to
> highlight Kagami's utter lack of fighting skills as well as her
> newly-gained physical abilities.
>
> As it now stands, you have a scene which is vaguer about Kagami nor
> Kasumi retaining their abilities (Kasumi is outracing the other cousins,
> but then, she should have been anyway, as she's on the track team [and
> if she does retain her abilities all the time, this constitutes part of
> her price, as she'll be much too fast for the track team now], and only
> one instance of showing us that Kagami lacks fighting skills.


Yeah, I'm gonna have to revise that. I kind of shortened it or tried to as
it felt dragging, but now it doesn't show off what it needs to either.


>
>
> The scene seems to have an entirely new purpose, introducing April as
> the presumed sixth Battle Princess next generation.  I think it is
> successful in this purpose, although a hint at her elemental affiliation
> would not be amiss (I didn't detect one, other than that her name and
> blouse color might hint at water).
>

Actually, April, though she will be appearing again, is not the sixth battle
princess (too hard to work in when everyone else is off in Osaka).  But she
will be appearing again and this way I don't have to pull Shun backstory out
at the last second.

There's some stuff I planned way ahead, and other stuff that I just suddenly
came up with and April popped up in my plans.  So I'm planting her here to
harvest her later.

Also, I felt the scene would be a little better if it was just totally J
Random Fuuka students who got saved.


Thanks for the feedback.  Revised version of this scene likely soon.
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