[FFML] [Carmen Sandiego] The Borderline Caper

[Adrian Tymes]

The Borderline Caper
by Adrian Tymes

---

The Chief of ACME had seen many wondrous and horrific things in her decades
of enforcing the law.  Just when she thought she had seen it all, the world
kept coming up with new sights to behold, wonders she thought she would
never see.

Such as now.  Chase Devineaux had been angry, excited, sad, and many other
emotions, but the Chief thought shell shocked was beyond him.  Apparently
not: even he was capable of a thousand yard stare.  "Report," she commanded.

Through the holographic interface, she saw her word stir him back into
action.  "I...I am not sure what I 'ave just witnessed, Chief.  But it
appears zat Agent Argent 'as just stolen Carmen Sandiego."

New things indeed, part of her brain mused.  But for all her attempts to
parse Chase's meaning, her speech center just then was only capable of
uttering, "...WHAT?!?"

"Stole 'er 'eart," Chase clarified.  "We 'ad just spotted 'er, right
outside our destination.  Without hesitation Julia walked up, hugged 'er,
kissed 'er on the ear, and then Carmen was putty in 'er 'ands.  Carmen got
in our car and let Julia drive 'er away.  I can not fault 'er technique,
but I 'ad no idea Julia was into..."

The Chief frowned.  "'Kissed her on the ear'?  Julia was obviously
whispering to Carmen.  She must be distracting her to buy you time.
Continue with your mission, Agent Devineaux."

Chase nodded.  "As you command, Chief.  I will get ze job done."

---

Carmen smirked as she reclined in the passenger seat, looking out at the
red and pink Valentine's Day flags hung from street light poles.  "I'm not
complaining about the rescue, but why was ACME on my tail again?  I thought
I told your Chief everything she wanted to know."

Julia blushed and slightly shook her head, though not enough to take her
eyes off the road while driving.  "Not you this time.  We're here for Ivy
and Zack.  Probably for the same reason you are."

"To get their help stopping VILE's latest caper?"

Julia boggled, looked at Carmen with wide eyes and an open mouth,
remembered she was still driving, slammed the brakes, and pulled over.

Carmen blinked.  "...that would be a no."

"I thought we dismantled VILE just last month!  Are you saying they're back
already?"

"They're trying to revive it.  You never captured the operatives involved
in this one."

"But we...and they just happen to be here.  Now."  Julia stared wide-eyed
at Carmen, slowly recovering her composure.

Carmen allowed herself a slight smile, noting how cute Julia looked when
she was flustered, as she stuck a hand into her right pocket.  "VILE is
smuggling American military technology across the border into Mexico.  As
you know, the United States of America is the world's top weapons
manufacturer, but it reserves its best gear for itself.  This equipment can
fetch a fortune in the wrong hands."  Carmen frowned.  "America also has an
issue with migrants along its southern border, effectively deporting a
number of them without trial.  That is what VILE is exploiting.  Cookie
Booker and the cleaners disguise themselves as aid workers, giving the
migrants what appears to be a care package before the border patrol sends
them back.  When the border patrol reaches the border, what appear to be
Mexican agents make sure the migrants still have their care packages before
accepting them.  In truth, these agents are from the Mexican cartels.  The
moment the migrants are out of sight of the American agents, the cartel
agents take the packages and their smuggled hardware."

Julia nodded, the explanation having given her pause to recover.  "How do
the migrants know not to open their packages?"

"Because they're clearly labeled - in Spanish."  Carmen rolled her eyes.
 "The American agents, even those who can read Spanish, never check.  The
instructions say the migrants will be paid for delivery, one percent of
what the package is worth.  Some of these go up to a quarter million pesos,
about twelve thousand American dollars, and one percent of that is more
than an average month's salary in Mexico.  The rest gets wired to a VILE
account."

"I see."  Julia let her eyes roam over Carmen for a moment.  "And how did
you learn of this?"

"I have my contacts."  When Carmen saw Julia frown at her instinctive
deflection, she relented.  "Some of the Mexican agents skipped paying the
migrants, pocketing the change.  The migrants complained to the police, but
they're unable to move against the cartels.  All they could do is file the
complaints.  I don't think your Crime Net checks those databases.  Player
found the complaints while following up on reports of smuggled weapons, and
traced it back to discover the operation."

"Penny wise and pound foolish."  Julia sighed.  "Have we been on
speakerphone to Zack and Ivy this whole time?"

Carmen froze.  She was certain the motions of her hand in her right side
pocket - on her far side from Julia - had been concealed.  "How did you..."

Julia smiled.  "'Carmen trusts her team.'  It's part of your MO."

"Heh.  I guess it is."  Carmen snickered softly.  "Old habits die hard."

"Indeed.  Hello, Ivy, Zack, and the rest of Carmen's team.  I
am...borrowing Carmen for a caper.  I mean her no harm.  Consider this a
friendly kidnapping."

"Julia?" a male Bostonian-accented voice replied from Carmen's pocket.
 "Woo hoo, Carmen's finally going on a date!"

"It's not a date, it's a caper," a younger, possibly Canadian voice
quibbled.

"It is totally a date," a third voice - female, a relative of the first
voice - commented, "and it's about time!"

If there was another presence on the far side of the line, that presence
did not make the slightest sound.

The twin blushes inside the car could have been mistaken for a fire truck's
lights.  After a moment, Julia commented, "S-so I see you have told your
team about me."

"I...may have praised your skills...and your looks...after I asked them to
run a background check after that caper with the Magna Carta, just in
case.  That's why I knew I could trust you in Milan, and on that caviar
job."  Carmen kept her gaze pointed out the window, noting the red and pink
Valentine's Day decorations festooning the street lights.  "Chinese or
British?"

"My nationality?  British," Julia snapped.  "Ah...sorry, it's a touchy
subject, if you please."

"Oh!  Umm, s-sorry.  Ah, so what were you originally planning to do?"

"Oh," Zack interrupted, "let me tell her!  Carm, boss, we didn't have a way
of contacting you.  ACME hired us!  Chase and Julia were coming to pick us
up!"

Carmen mulled that for a moment.  "Congratulations.  I suppose that means
you're ACME now, not..."

"Don't worry," Ivy butted in.  "When you'll have us, we've still got your
back."

"Thank you for the vote of confidence," Carmen replied, "but I've got
this."  She glanced at Julia.  "WE'VE got this.  You enjoy your first day.
Julia and I will join you once we've mopped this up."

---

"But-" Zack tried to reply, only for Carmen to hang up, though the
conference call indicator showed Player was still on.  Zack sighed and
looked around their old headquarters, slightly lit by the glow of Chief's
hologram.  His new ACME suit itched a bit around the neck, so he scratched
under the collar while preparing to listen.

"Good thinking calling me the moment you heard from her," Chief noted.
 "Agent Devineaux, did you get all that?"

Chase - who had just walked from calling Chief outside Carmen's former
headquarters, into another Chief call inside the warehouse - nodded.  "I do
not see why we do not just raid ze border patrol facility and capture
VILE's operatives red 'anded."

"Because we don't have our own agents here, aside from you, and the local
police won't move without evidence.  And there's something more going on
here," Chief replied.  "Our usual authority is being rebuffed."

Seeing confusion on Zack's and Ivy's faces, Chase spoke up before they
could.  "All ze world's police forces work for ACME, whether zey know it or
not.  Being American, you would be familiar with Interpol, ze FBI, and
local forces.  Normally, if we need zem to do something, zey do it."  He
looked to his boss.  "I take it zat is not ze case here?"

Chief nodded.  "Correct.  We have not heard from the American border patrol
much of late.  Just now I sent a request to watch for VILE's operatives.
It was returned with..."  She frowned.  "...some profanity.  I'm sorry to
have to interrupt the planned festivities, but I need you to look into
this."

"We can party later, Chief."  Zack gestured to a sports car, which had been
polished to nearly gleaming in the warehouse's interior light.  "Hop in,
Chase.  Today, I am your chauffeur.  Lydia and I will get you anywhere you
need to go."

Chase's eyes widened with delight, taking in every curve of the machine.
 "Would you permit me to drive zis beauty?"

Ivy shook her head as she got in the front passenger's seat.  "I wouldn't
recommend it.  I've spent a lot of time tuning this for Zack.  You'd just
crash it."

"Also you are still suspended from driving," Chief added, "even if that car
isn't technically ACME property.  Navigate.  Guide them."

Chase began to protest, then thought better of it and got in the back of
the car.  "Fine.  But do not complain to me when I could 'ave gotten us
zere faster."

---

"This should be an easy bust," Carmen quipped as she and Julia walked up to
the grey, imposing, warehouse-like detention center that Player's research
suggested the operation was being conducted from.  "We're surrounded by law
enforcement - never thought I'd be comfortable saying that.  We just
identify VILE's operatives and they'll be nabbed."

Julia nodded, palming her ACME keycard.  "It is almost as if I shall be
Carmen Sandiego today."

Carmen regarded Julia, chuckled, took off her hat and put it on the shorter
lady, with a bit more force than necessary as an excuse to pat her on the
head.  "Then here, look the part."

Julia blushed at the contact, then ran her fingers along the brim of the
fedora.  "It is a good look."  As they reached the door, she examined the
building.  "This doesn't feel like any law enforcement center I have ever
worked with."

"That's because it isn't."  Carmen opened the door, revealing a simple,
open interior.  Toward the front was a desk, toward the back were some
offices, and most of the volume was separated off by a chain link fence
holding roughly a hundred people of Latin American descent.  A set of white
cardboard boxes - in various dimensions, none more than half a meter across
- were gathered in the middle of the unfenced area near an open side door.
Several uniformed border patrol officers milled about.

One officer at the desk, with a nameplate saying "Asesi", looked up.
 "Bringing another one in?  You're just in time."

Julia blinked.  "Eh?  No, we are here investigating reports of smuggling."

"You mean human trafficking?"  Asesi shrugged.  "We're taking care of that
too, sending these Mexicans back where they came from."  He gestured, and a
pair of officers broke off of the milling to seize Carmen by the upper arms.

"Hey!"  Carmen struggled as the officers picked her off the ground, trying
to kick her way free.

Julia frowned and reached for her gas pistol, not drawing it yet.  "You
will leave my partner alone."

Asesi blinked.  "You're kidding, right?  There're brownskins, and then
there are 'Mericans.  Our job is to separate the one from the other."

Processing the sheer stupidity of that statement got Carmen to pause her
struggles for a moment.  She had been about to point out that she was
Argentinian, or the number of officers present who shared her skin tone,
but from Asesi's tone of voice, it sounded like the facts might not matter.

"Excuse me?"  Julia began to draw her pistol.  "Wouldn't you catch your own
citizens in such an ill-informed dragnet?"

Asesi shrugged.  "That's what the courts say, but who cares?"

Before Julia or Carmen could object further, three figures in hooded robes
came in through the side door carrying a large, heavy box.  They set it
down, then the apparent leader - an older, bespectacled lady, looked
towards the desk.  "This is the last of-"

Cookie did a double-take as Julia and Carmen looked her way, both sides
recognizing each other in an instant.

"Go," Carmen barked.  "I'll deal with these jerks."

Julia was already in motion, pistol coming out as she charged.

"Ah.  So sorry, we have to run," Cookie apologized.  "Please make sure the
aid packages are distributed."  With that, she and her two assistants ran
out the side door, slamming it closed.

Julia shoulder-checked the door as she impacted it, throwing it open.  It
took but a moment to see the three VILE operatives sprinting for a van.
Taking in a breath, she called out, "Chief!  Alert all police to be on the
lookout for a white van, license plate 5NND853."

As one, the operatives turned right, sprinting away from the van.

Julia smirked.  Better than shooting the tires - not that her gas gun could
pull off that trick - that van was now useless as a getaway vehicle and the
VILE trio knew it.  Or it would have been, had she actually been in contact
with the Chief, but her ruse got the crooks to abandon it anyway.  Not
breaking stride, she continued her pursuit.

These were not the most nimble of VILE operatives.  Cookie was an aged
lady, and the other two seemed built more for endurance than dexterity.
Thus there were no bounds up to the rooftop, no acrobatic flashes, no
parkour on their part, just a dead run.  Every so often there would be some
obstacle, either in the way or which the VILE operatives tipped over, that
Julia simply hopped over or ducked, slowly gaining on them.

But the VILE operatives had more endurance than her slight frame afforded.
After several minutes of dogged pursuit, she knew they were about to get
away.  Desperate for some way to slow them down, she yelled, took off
Carmen's hat, and threw it at the apparent leader.

Cookie slowed just a moment, enough to catch it and put it on.  "Why, thank
you.  You know this was mine to begin with?"

Julia tried to utter some witty retort, but found her lungs burning and her
vision blurring.  With her only other option being to collapse in a heap,
she slowed to a halt, leaned against an alley wall, and breathed heavily as
her quarry got away.

Several minutes later, her breath still not fully recovered and her mood
foul from having lost Carmen's iconic possession, she staggered back to the
detention center, only to find it mostly empty.  The boxes, the prisoners,
Carmen, and most of the officers were gone.

Fortunately she did not need to ask.  One of the remaining officers
approached moments after she walked in.  "They're walking to the border.
Did you need to talk to Asasi?"

Julia considered for a moment.  "I know the route they'll take.  I've got a
stop to make, then I'll catch up to them."  With that, she made her way
along the outside of the building back to her car, mind racing as her heart
slowly decelerated from its own race.

---

Chase twitched as he stood up, finally free from the metal demon of speed.
 "W-where...'ow...WHY DID YOU LEARN TO DRIVE?!?"

Zack smoothly exited the car, stood up, and twirled his car keys.  "Heh.
Ivy and I used to race before we got wrapped up with Carmen.  We were
almost pro."

Ivy hopped out of the car and slid across the car hood in one smooth
motion, winding up next to her brother.  "It's true.  I built 'em, Zack
drove 'em."

Chase blinked.  "'Zem'.  Multiple.  Plural."

Zack blushed and looked up.  "Eheh, well..."

Chase shook his head and put a hand on Zack's shoulder.  "It is okay.  I
know what it is like to lose a car."

"Oh!  Yeah, now I remember!"  Ivy smiled and pointed at Chase.  "That was
you chasin' Carmen an' me at that drawbridge in-"

"Tut," Chase interrupted.  "Let us proceed with zis business."  He walked
inside the federal building they had parked in front of, flashed his ACME
keycard at the front desk while gesturing to Zack and Ivy, and proceeded
unchallenged to the elevator bank beyond the desk.  As he pushed the
elevator call button, he eyed his new junior agents.  "Zis is an office:
not ze place where ze deeds are done, but where orders are given and
records are kept."

"Huh."  Ivy looked around.  "Somehow I thought this'd be more like a
fortress."

Chase smirked.  "Zis place is armored, but not in ze traditional manner.  I
am all too familiar: I once worked in a place like zis, when I was not with
ACME.  It was not my proudest month."  He sighed.  "Zack, you are a man of
action, as am I.  Can you feel ze blandness, the boringness, as if nothing
exciting ever 'appens 'ere?"

"Boy, can I," Zack noted in a heartbeat.  "If this place was any deader,
it'd be a morgue."

The elevator arrived and Chase stepped in, followed by Zack and Ivy.  "Only
ze professionals know what is 'ere zat is worth robbing," Chase lectured.
 "As you 'ave no doubt zeen on zome of Carmen's capers, amateurs only
bother with petty break-ins, usually for quick cash."

Memories of a certain donut shop in Boston flashed through Zack's and Ivy's
minds, sparking an exchange of self-conscious grins.

If Chase deliberately chose to ignore it, only he would ever know, as he
gave a perfect appearance of having simply missed it.  "Zis is ze office
zat ze improper response came from.  Zis should be a battle of wills and
detection.  Ze plan is, we go to ze office of ze patrol agent in charge,
ask what 'e knows, and zee if 'e is corrupt or if ze disruption is below
'im."

"And if it's above?"  Ivy disliked that she was even considering the
notion, but if VILE had infiltrated even the upper ranks of the British
Secret Service, she could not rule out a similar situation in the American
bureaucracy.

The elevator dinged, and the twelfth floor door opened.  "Zen we have a
problem for ze Chief."  With that, he walked out and down a short corridor,
knocking on a door labeled "United States Customs and Border Protection".

The door was soon opened by a stocky, uniformed man wearing mirrored
sunglasses.  "Agent Devineaux.  The front desk told me you would be
coming.  And these must be your associates, Zack and Ivy.  Please, come in."

Chase did, noting the bland reception area, with a cheerful wooden
receptionist's desk - birch, he guessed - staffed by a lady trying to seem
cheerful but wearing a wooden expression, and a short corridor with doors
leading to cubbyhole-like offices and a small conference room.  He followed
the man to the office at the end, noting the nameplate on the door said
"Fingi".  The apparent Officer Fingi held the door open for the party of
three, closed it once they entered, and sat at a massive oak desk as he
gestured toward a trio of seats.

Fingi smiled.  To Chase's eyes, the smile seemed to drip with sinister
glee.  "I assume this was about that request of ACME's.  How can I help?"
he asked, as if he was not biding his time to assassinate the trio.

"First, 'ow did you know I was coming?  I did not tell ze front desk where
I was 'eaded."  Ignoring the invitation to sit, Chase leaned over the desk
and tried to make eye contact, but the sunglasses made that difficult, as
if he was only making eye contact with himself.

Fingi shrugged, not showing any sign of being intimidated.  "Once I replied
to that request, I figured it was only a matter of time until you showed up
in person, so I asked the front desk to alert me if anyone from ACME
arrived."

"Hmm..."  Chase nodded slightly, relenting and standing up.  "Alright, I
zuppose zat is possible.  But 'ow did you recognize my assistants?  I waved
them in without identification."

Fingi grinned.  "Zack and Ivy, ACME's most famous veteran agents?  The ones
chiefly in charge of taking down those criminals...VILE, was it?  I looked
up ACME when I received that request, and their profiles came up."

Chase, Zack, and Ivy shared a collective blink.  It took but moments for
each of them to realize that only a VILE agent would think that Ivy and
Zack were veteran agents, or that said information could be found that way
if it had been true.  A few more moments and shared glances confirmed that
each of them shared that realization.

Which Fingi noticed.  "What?"

"Moving on," Chase soon continued, "we are indeed 'ere to discuss ze
request to monitor for VILE operatives.  We 'ave reason to believe zat-"

Fingi held up a hand and shook his head.  "Yes, yes, I read your request.
And I was the one who denied it.  You have no jurisdiction here."

"No...jurisdiction?!?"  Chase felt his jaw hang open for a moment.  "We
'ave ze ultimate jurisdiction!"

"Oh really?"  Fingi's grin expanded a bit.  "Show me anything - any written
document, other than that keycard that says whatever you want it to say -
proving that.  My chain of command goes up through sector command, to
headquarters, through the Cabinet to the President.  ACME ain't in that
chain."

Chase growled, "International treaties.  Classified."

"Yeah?"  Fingi waved his hand.  "I have clearance.  So do you, if you are
who you say you are.  So show me these treaties."

"Oh, I know this game," Ivy commented.  "Chase pulls 'em up, you deny they
exist.  If we try to bust you, you say we have no evidence and have
security toss us out - or arrest us instead - giving you time to wipe your
computer and escape.  The law only matters if people respect it.  If
everyone says the law is somethin' other than what's written, the real law
don't matter.  So long as you pretend ACME ain't in charge, and convince
everyone aroun' you that we ain't, then we ain't."

Fingi's grin faltered.  "You have an active imagination, young lady."

Ivy shrugged.  "I've been places where the law...wasn't, you could say.
Nothin' as high stakes or fancy as this, but the same kinda deal."

With renewed composure, Fingi shored up his grin.  "Then let us say, for
the moment, that things are as you say.  Wouldn't that mean you are at a
standstill, with no options to pursue your case, so you may as well just
leave?"

Ivy shook her head, smiling a predator's smile.  "Uh uh.  You see-"

Zack's phone buzzed.  He pulled it out, glancing at it.

"Silence zat," Chase snapped.

"Right, right," Zack replied as he began to nod to an unseen beat.  "Hey,
mind if I borrow your gas gun?"

"If it will keep you occupied..."  Chase tilted his head at Zack's nodding,
while Zack pulled his gun.  "What are you doing?"

"Count, ing, down.  ZERO!"  Zack fired at the door.

Just as the knockout gas cloud set up, Cookie burst in the door, taking a
faceful of gas.  "They're...onto...us," was all she got out before she
crashed to the ground.

In the corridor outside, out of the ACME agents' lines of sight, the
cleaners turned around and casually walked for the elevator, wordlessly
planning their route out.  It was protocol: they could not clean up VILE's
messes if they were caught.

Chase looked at Cookie, looked at Zack, then knelt to handcuff Cookie.
 "Capturing ze highest-ranking still-at-large VILE operative on your first
day, is zetting high expectations with ze Chief."

Zack posed with the gun, grinning and flexing in a spotlight only visible
in his imagination.  "Oh yeah!"

Ivy walked around the oak desk and leaned on Fingi's shoulder, her smile
intensifying.  "So, now that we got a person sized heap o' evidence, care
to explain exactly what we're onto, before we search your desk and computer
and find it all out anyway?  You know that bein' ACME gives us access, an'
like I was sayin' before I was interrupted, hardware don't care about your
pretend talk."

Fingi's grin melted.  "Eheh..."

---

Carmen was grateful for the crisp but mild winter.  The cool breeze kept
her from sweating much as she lugged her package, walking along the unpaved
path through the scrubland.  She estimated it at 35 kilograms, perhaps 80
centimeters long by 30 centimeters wide and thick.  After Julia left, she
agreed to her "arrest" on the condition that she be allowed to carry this
package - which the officers agreed to, probably worried that it was too
large and someone would drop it.  Whatever it was, it could not be broken
down into smaller parts, meaning it was probably the crown jewel of the
smuggling operation.  This thought inspired her to hug it, hefting it as
comfortably as she could as her eyes scanned for an exit.

Unfortunately, no exit was in sight.  To either side of their path lay
sagebrush, but she and the migrants were being kept to the center of the
path, too far to make a dash and escape.  A dozen border patrol officers
were behind them, guns drawn; to flee would be to be shot.  She would just
have to bide her time until an opportunity came up.

Such as Julia walking out of the sagebrush about five meters ahead of the
group, gas pistol in hand.  "That's far enough."

"Everyone halt," Asesi commanded.  Once the group had come to a stop, he
walked around to the front of the loose formation.  "How can we help you,
officer?"

"I have reason to believe you are smuggling."  Julia pointed to Carmen with
her pistol.  "What's in her box?"

"Hmm.  That is a big care package."  The leader turned toward Carmen and
gestured to her box with his pistol.  "Set it down and open it up."

"Yes, sir."  Carmen laid the box on the ground, undid a simple cardboard
clasp, and pulled open the cover.  Inside was a bulbous metal cylinder with
fins at one end.  She quickly pulled out her cell phone and snapped a
picture before backing away from it.  "Alright, Player," she whispered,
"what are we looking at?"  She smiled in anticipation of the appraisal,
only for the smile to suddenly vanish from her dilating eyes as her lips
curled into an o.  "Are.  You.  Serious?"

Julia peered, then nodded to herself.  "Ah, the infamous Davy Crockett."

"The folk hero and congressman?" Asesi asked.

"Named for him," Julia confirmed.  "That is a M388 nuclear projectile.  If
it were to go off, we would all become a radioactive crater."  She snapped
the fingers of her unoccupied hand for emphasis.

"Well, now."  Asesi raised his pistol toward Carmen.  "She seemed to know
what was in there.  That's reason enough to pop this threat to national
security."

"Don't."  Julia slowly walked forward.  "She is a valuable asset.  If
you're going to kill her, you're going to need to kill me first."

"Out here, with no one to see?"  Asesi shrugged.  "Sure."

Time seemed to slow down for Carmen.  She saw Asesi swing his arms to point
to Julia.  She felt her body respond, sluggishly, trying to tackle Asesi -
but well before she could make contact, his gun went off.  Carmen looked to
the side just in time to see one, two, three holes open in Julia's shirt
over her abdomen, after which Julia crumpled to the ground like a
marionette with her strings cut, sliding backward from the momentum of the
bullets.  Carmen was dimly aware of her own scream of rage, her fists
clenching tight enough to threaten to puncture her gloves and draw blood,
and her body tensing to pounce on Asesi.

A couple dozen clicks of guns cocking sounded on either side of the path,
snapping her out of it.  "DROP!  YOUR!  WEAPONS!" sounded an unfamiliar
voice, as rifle-armed police stood up and melted out of the sagebrush.

"Can I help-" Asesi began to reply.

"NOOOW!"  The speaking officer pointed his rifle at Asesi's head.

Asesi processed this for a moment, then slowly placed his pistol on the
ground and raised his hands.  The other border patrol officers followed
suit.

The police officer glanced towards the migrants.  "¡Dejen los paquetes y
huyan!"  Then to Carmen.  "Redheaded lady, get out of the way!  Tend to
your partner!"

As the migrants dropped their boxes and ran away, Carmen ran to her fallen
friend.  Dropping to her knees, she reached out to cradle Julia's head.
 "Jules!  Please, wake up!"

Julia coughed and opened her eyes.  "S-sorry, Carmen.  They wouldn't arrest
them without evidence.  I guess I got carried away when they were slow to
react."  She smiled.  "I trust my team, just like you, and ACME has let me
work with...so many teams."  Her eyes defocused as she let the memories of
her career wash through her consciousness.

Vision slightly blurring from tears, Carmen took Julia's head into her lap.
 "You brave idiot!  Stay with me!  Don't go into the light!"

Mind coming back to the present, Julia coughed again.  "I do have...one
request."

"No last requests," Carmen pleaded.  "You're going to live...wait."  She
glanced down along Julia's body, feeling the dry ground under where Julia
was lying.  "No blood?"

Julia pulled open her shirt where she had been shot, revealing a tough grey
fibrous undershirt and the three squashed bullets which had failed to
penetrate it.  "I'm going to have bruises.  Can you kiss them and make them
better?"

Realization and relief washed over Carmen, spurring a blend of laughter and
cries of joy.  Then Carmen did kiss Julia, but not on the bruises.

---

The sun had set, and street lights illuminated the night outside.  Inside
the Carmen warehouse lay the remains of three burgers and associated side
dishes, on a table surrounded by three agents digesting their meals.  Chase
had come armed with the location of a good burger joint that Ivy and Zack
had no prior knowledge of.  All three agreed that the burger joint was
cute, but a debriefing was to follow, so it was better to take the food to
go and retire to a more private location - for which the warehouse was an
available, convenient, and obvious choice.

Chase clicked his pen and flicked it to the floor, where it stood upright
and projected a hologram of the Chief of ACME.  "Agents," she greeted.
 "You will be pleased to know that Julia, with Carmen's assistance, managed
to bust the smuggling operation.  Combined with your arrest of VILE's agent
in the border patrol, I consider this matter resolved."

Ivy pouted, adjusting the brim of Carmen's hat on her head.  "An' the
cartel that's been buying all these goods got away?"

The Chief shook her head.  "We can't be everywhere doing everything.  The
cartel did not get the Davy Crockett.  That's good enough.  Besides, it
turns out it wasn't the real thing, just a simulator - a training round."

"Oh!"  Ivy's eyes widened.  "Then this woulda been the last shipment.
VILE's been butterin' up the cartel with small but legit goods, settin'
them up to pay a lot for what they thought was a nuke.  They were plannin'
to take the payment an' scram before the cartel figured out they'd been
duped."

The Chief nodded.  "Correct.  The payout was to have been one hundred
billion pesos."

Ivy whistled.

Zack looked on with a blank expression.

"That's about five billion bucks," Ivy explained.

"Oh.  Yeah, I knew that," Zack blatantly lied.  "That's a lotta dough!"

"Who knows what VILE would have put that money to?"  The Chief sighed.  "As
is, even the 'small' payments they have already received can fund some
operations.  We can only hope it was under their operative's personal
control, and no other VILE operative knows how to get it."

"No such luck," a voice piped up from Zack's phone.  "I found the account
they were making payments to.  It's been drained and closed out - cash
withdrawals, no way to trace where it went."

"Who invited the minor?" the Chief demanded.

"The name is Player," Player retorted, "and Zack never hung up.  Don't
worry, this call isn't charged per minute."

"Never 'ung..."  Chase blinked.  "You...'ave been listening in...zis whole
time, ever zince we organized zis operation zis morning?!?"

"Well, yeah?"  Player's voice sounded a note of confusion.  "It's kind of
like riding in Carmen's ear.  You mean Zack didn't keep me on deliberately?"

Zack grinned.  "Heh."  He gestured to his phone.  "Chase, Chief, meet
Mister Secret Weapon!"

Ivy rolled her eyes.  "Don' act like you didn' just forget."

"That's how Zack knew Cookie was incoming," Player explained.  "Carmen put
a small secondary tracker in her hat - too small to quickly find - in case
VILE grabbed her and took away her communicator again.  When I saw that
tracker separate from Carmen, I figured Cookie had gotten her hat back, so
when I saw that signal closing in on Zack's location, I was able to tell
him exactly when that hat - with Cookie under it - was about to reach him."

"Always a pleasure working with you," Zack complimented, "an' if you're up
for it I might call on you again from time to time."

Chief raised a finger to protest, then held her tongue and lowered it.

"Well," Player replied, "I'm Carmen's friend - but when I'm not helping her
out, or if you cross her path again, then maybe.  Oh!  Chief, while we're
talking: I found the account those hundred billion pesos would have come
from, and the transfer's all set up.  I'm hesitant to take the payment to
any of our normal accounts, because they might trace it, but would ACME's
accounts be able to safeguard it?"

Chief boggled.  Visions of funding for years of expanded operations flashed
through her mind, but duty and ethics came first.  "W...w-we...can not
operate on stolen money," she forced herself to say.

"Alright."  Player did not react to Chief's tone of voice.  "I'll route it
to the Mexican police instead."

The sweet visions evaporating before her mind's eye, Chief steeled herself
for the continued black budget battles to keep ACME funded.  What was
right, and what was easy, were often quite different.

"So hey," Ivy interjected, "speakin' of trackin', what's Carmen's ETA?  I
thought she woulda joined us for this."  Though she knew Player could only
hear and not see her, she gestured to the fast food remains in front of her.

"I don't think she's coming here tonight," Player replied.  "I borrowed Red
Drone, and...ah, you were right, this is a date."  A picture popped up on
Zack's phone, of an image taken through a window into a hotel bedroom.
Carmen's trench coat hung from one of the bedposts.  On the bed, Carmen and
Julia were snuggled together, Julia's undershirt rolled up to expose her
abdomen, which was heavily bandaged.

"Aww," Ivy cooed, "they look so cute together!"

"Zat zey do," Chase agreed, "but why is Julia wearing bandages?"

"Because she took a bullet for Carmen," Player noted.  "Three, actually."

For the next ten seconds, the only sound was of the fork Zack had been
twirling hitting the table, dropped from his suddenly briefly nerveless
fingers.

"The police report said they moved in once there was an officer down,"
Chief noted, "but it didn't say who.  I thought they meant one of theirs.
ACME's bulletproof vests are among the strongest and lightest in the world,
but I'd much rather our agents don't get shot in the first place."

"Carmen picked up some anti-bruise cream," Player explained nonchalantly.
 "Julia should be fine by morning, buuut I'd advise leaving them alone
tonight.  Chase...err, Agent Devineaux, they're borrowing the hotel room
ACME booked for you and Julia.  I'd suggest staying here tonight."

"Player," Chase said in the most serious voice he could muster.  "If you
'ave 'ad ANY role in why my partner still lives and breathes zis night, you
'ave more zan earned ze right to call me Chase.  Even if you suggest zuch
'orrors."

"What horrors?" Player wondered.  "Is the warehouse dressed up for
Halloween or something?"

"No.  But I see no sleeping quarters," Chase explained.  "I would be
sleeping on a couch, or a 'ammock.  I suppose I 'ave 'ad worse: sleeping on
ze sands of a tropical island under ze night sky is not nearly what ze
romantic images make it out to be."  He looked to Ivy and Zack.  "So long
as neizer of you snores?"

Zack shrugged.  "Nothin' we haven't been able to sleep through."

"Alright."  Chase straightened his tie.  "Zen I suppose I will endure for
Julia's sake.  We retrieve 'er..."  Chase glanced at Ivy.  "...and return
Carmen's 'at, in ze morning."

"Awwh."  Ivy adjusted said hat.  "Huh.  Too bad Shadow-san couldn't make
it.  Hey, Player, you know where he's at?  Is he all retired now?"

"For all of two weeks before he contacted me.  He sounded...bored," Player
noted.  "Actually, he might be able to use some help.  Just how
international is ACME's reach?  I'll bet you have no problem in South
Korea, but what about North?"

"We're a little more limited there, but we have connections," the Chief
replied.  "Why?"

"Paper Star's developed a technique to swipe landmines right out of the
ground.  She's 'cleaning up' the Korean Demilitarized Zone, tricking the
authorities into thinking their soldiers destroyed them," Player briefed.
 "Removing the mines isn't a problem, but selling them to all sorts of bad
guys is.  The real problem is that she's helping The Mechanic and The
Driver scavenge war remains.  Shadow-san says they already have some
working tanks."

"Whoa.  Tanks?"  Zack forced his jaw to close.

"You're velcome," Player quipped in a brief mock Transylvanian accent.
 "They're garaged in the old city of Taebong, which used to be the capital
of a unified Korea but these days it's off-limits to everyone but
Demilitarized Zone soldiers."

Chief sighed.  "Alright.  I'll book five seats on a flight tomorrow
morning.  If you think Carmen can be talked into coming with us?"

"Way ahead of you, Chief," Player noted.  "You get your four seats.  One of
the flight crew might look familiar."

The Chief of ACME had seen many wondrous and horrific things in her decades
of enforcing the law.  As she pinched the bridge of her nose, she muttered
a wish that, just once, that list might include Carmen Sandiego fully
cooperating with ACME without the games.

---

Author's Notes: I figured, I may as well write one last fic for the FFML.
I started working on this once I heard the list was about to shut down.
I'll post this to AO3 later this month - exactly when depends on what
feedback I get and when I get around to it.

To those who prefer Chase/Julia: who says she can't have both?
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