[FFML] [Fanfic][R1/2] Family Secrets - Chapter 5

[Ignacio Moreno]

>
> You probably know the drill: All comments represent the opinions of one
> particularly cranky reader; use what you find useful and discard the rest.
>

I know. Don't worry. :) And thanks for comment this chapter, if you are
interested you can find the rest of chapters in FFML or ff.net.


> Upon hearing the soft voice, she stopped. Luckily, she had enough time to
>> raise her arms when the door exploded and protect herself from the
>> splinters that flew towards her.
>>
>
> Wording seems a little awkward. Suggest:
>
> Upon hearing the soft voice, she stopped. The door exploded. Luckily, she
> had enough time to
> raise her arms and protect herself from the splinters that flew towards
> her.
>
> For the immediacy of an action scene you generally want the narration to
> be sequential; the door shatters before the hands go up, so mention it
> first.
>

I am not sure about that change. Having a short sentence between two large
ones, dont seem right. Anyway, she raised her arms before the door
exploded, because she wouldn't have time to react after the explosion.


> in her youth, time hadn't been charitable with her. Wrinkles covered her
>> forehead and emerged from the edge of her eyelashes as furrows plowed by
>> time. Her eye bags and checks hung flabby, her mouth seemed an abrupt
>>
>
> "Checks" doesn't seem like the right word here. Did you mean cheeks, maybe?
>

Yep. It's cheeks. Sorry! :">


> Cologne didn't shout, but her voice was able to penetrate in her
>> great-granddaughter's brain blocking some areas and activating others,
>> causing Shampoo to blink.
>>
>
> This scene generally does a pretty good job of conveying Shamps' feelings
> as she is faced with an opponent she can't defeat. But talking about
> biological processes takes us out of her perspective. Try to come up with a
> description that reflects the way that she would think and feel, even if
> it's more metaphorical.
>

OK. I will have to think about that, and see how I can rewrite it.


> I'm not sure if I'm following everything but the story's interesting so
> far. I'd like to have a clearer idea of what the stakes are. We know that a
> very powerful and ruthless visitor has been meddling in the lives of our
> heroes, but it's not too clear to me what she intends or her interference
> might lead to. There's a lot of exposition here, which is okay, just make
> sure that all of it serves a purpose in the story; if it clarifies the plot
> or sheds light on the characters' motivations then that's fine, but resist
> the natural temptation to go into things just because you find them
> interesting.
>
> Looking forward to more whenever you get a chance. Good luck with this and
> any future work.
>

Yep, I know that there has been a lil of exposition, but it's important for
the plot as you can see when I write the following chapters. ^^U

Thanks.

Kinai.
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