[FFML] [Fanfic][R1/2] Family Secrets - Chapter 5

[Gary Kleppe]

You probably know the drill: All comments represent the opinions of  
one particularly cranky reader; use what you find useful and discard  
the rest.


Quoting Ignacio Moreno <kinai2k7 at gmail.com>:

> - Please Read & Review. Your reviews make all the effort worthwhile. :)

Please remember that the best way to get a lot of responses is to give  
a lot out. (Not that there's a lot to read on the FFML these days. Oh  
well.)


> made it clear that this wasn't a punishment; it was the best way to not
> have any contact with the Tendo or the Saotome families until they had
> forgotten what happened. But Shampoo didn't want to think how long it could
> take. Months? Years?

GENMA: At a rough estimate... probably about, oh, I'd say... fifteen minutes.

RANMA: Hey! Our attention spans aren't THAT short. I still remember  
when they... um, what did they do again?

(This may be a good time to mention that I either haven't read or  
don't remember what happened in the previous chapters, so if I fail to  
pick up on something that could be the reason.)


> Upon hearing the soft voice, she stopped. Luckily, she had enough time to
> raise her arms when the door exploded and protect herself from the
> splinters that flew towards her.

Wording seems a little awkward. Suggest:

Upon hearing the soft voice, she stopped. The door exploded. Luckily,  
she had enough time to
raise her arms and protect herself from the splinters that flew towards her.

For the immediacy of an action scene you generally want the narration  
to be sequential; the door shatters before the hands go up, so mention  
it first.


> As soon as the noise of the explosion faded, the soft patter of small
> objects that had been thrown to the ground by the blast, could be heard.

The last comma doesn't seem to belong. Maybe you could rewrite this  
with a more active phrasing?


> in her youth, time hadn't been charitable with her. Wrinkles covered her
> forehead and emerged from the edge of her eyelashes as furrows plowed by
> time. Her eye bags and checks hung flabby, her mouth seemed an abrupt

"Checks" doesn't seem like the right word here. Did you mean cheeks, maybe?

WOMAN: I'd like to cash these, please. This is the branch office of  
the First National Bank of Tokyo, right?

SHAMPS: This the Cat Cafe.

WOMAN: Oh well. Just point me to the ATM, then.


> “Call Kelún,” the strange woman ordered with a soft but authoritative tone.

I'm impressed that you not only got the spelling right but I think the  
correct intonation as well.


> She only needed a glance to discover to her great-grandmother standing
> beside Mousse's body, which still was writhing due to the cough

Need some punctuation at the end of that.


> “Really? I thought that this was only a restaurant.” the stranger answered
> mockingly, feigning surprise.

Period after "restaurant" should be a comma instead, since it's an  
explicit attribution.


> Shampoo felt her rage disappear into thin air under the stranger's  
> steely gaze,
> leaving her naked in the face of the older woman's predatory thirst; whose
> message was clear:

Punctuation seems messed up there. The semicolon should be a comma, I think.


> Cologne didn't shout, but her voice was able to penetrate in her
> great-granddaughter's brain blocking some areas and activating others,
> causing Shampoo to blink.

This scene generally does a pretty good job of conveying Shamps'  
feelings as she is faced with an opponent she can't defeat. But  
talking about biological processes takes us out of her perspective.  
Try to come up with a description that reflects the way that she would  
think and feel, even if it's more metaphorical.


> “Excuse me, I don't understand you.” the stranger replied civilly.

Comma after "you", not the period.


> “It's hard to fool you, isn't it mother?”

isn't it, Mother?"

When the speaker identifies who is spoken to, set it off with a comma;  
and capitalize relations when they are used as names (not as  
descriptions as in "My mother is here.")


> “What is this coming from? What do you want?” The matriarch asked

Uncapitalize "the" since it's a direct dialog attribution.


> With the absolute certainty that she wasn't going to say anything to her
> daughter that this didn't already know, Cologne decided to play along with

Seems like you're missing a noun there. That this [person] didn't already know


> “And so? Will you accept the Council's decree?” She asked victoriously.

Uncapitalize "she".


> “What else can I do?” Her mother answered resignedly. “The rules have been

and "her".


> They knew it; they knew what had happened last week during the failed
> wedding. Nothing in her words betrayed that knowledge, but Cologne had a
> hunch and, at her age, that was enough.

DOCTOR TOFU: I can fix that hunch, you know. I'm a chiropractor.

KE LUN: Who asked you?


> About the other message, now that one was intriguing. 'The observations
> suggest, that is, the information hadn't been proven, but it had been

Looks like a stray apostrophe there.


> “This is a decree approved by the Council and both of you have to abide
> it.” She said authoritatively.

it,” she (and I think you want a "by" after "abide")


> Mousse's cheeky smile, contrasted sharply with Shampoo's grief-stricken
> eyes.

Spurious comma.


> “Bu... bu... but...” the teenager tried to beg with trembling lips.

Which teenager? There are two present.


> “Would you have killed your own daughter!?” She exclaimed surprised.

daughter!?” she exclaimed, surprised.


> “And she defeated two elders? Alone?” Her great-granddaughter asked not
> being able to believe it.

Alone?” her great-granddaughter asked, not


I'm not sure if I'm following everything but the story's interesting  
so far. I'd like to have a clearer idea of what the stakes are. We  
know that a very powerful and ruthless visitor has been meddling in  
the lives of our heroes, but it's not too clear to me what she intends  
or her interference might lead to. There's a lot of exposition here,  
which is okay, just make sure that all of it serves a purpose in the  
story; if it clarifies the plot or sheds light on the characters'  
motivations then that's fine, but resist the natural temptation to go  
into things just because you find them interesting.

Looking forward to more whenever you get a chance. Good luck with this  
and any future work.


-Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/