[FFML] [orig][oneshot] The Enigmatic Maiden

[Abdiel]

Some otaku I turned out to be. How could I claim to be an "obsessive"
fan of manga and anime without ever doing this?

I was already in high school, living within a stone's throw away from
the Akihabara District, yet it was only now, after about a year of
moving there in the Electric Town that I was able to visit my first
ever maid cafe.

I went to the Cat Girl Maid Cafe, to be exact. It featured maids with
cat ears on them. Truly, it was the pinnacle of maid cafe innovation
that would change the landscape of this niche market forever.

I realized quickly that I wasn't in the same level of "otakuness" as my
upperclassman... Daigoro Sawada, third year... because I ended up
absolutely bewildered by the whole "Moe moe kyun, nya!" chant and
ceremony offered by my adorable maid waitress who was serving my meal.

It was my understanding that the chant was supposed to serve as a "magic
spell" to make my dish tastier. It only served to creep me out.
Incidentally, I ordered a "fried shrimp omelet rice" with a personalized
ketchup message atop it. "Welcome to the Cat Girl Maid Cafe, Okinawa-
san!" it said.

Except _Okinawa_ wasn't even my name. It was Okiname, for goodness's
sake. I was supposed to pay 3,500 yen for this crap? Just because it was
given a "magic spell" by some cutesy waitress in a cat girl and/or maid
uniform? Don't give me that bullshit! How lonely and bereft of female
interaction were Akiba's otaku population anyway?

These were the thoughts occupying my mind as I took a deuce at the men's
room. I was about finished with my business, unlocking the door to my
stall to ponder more about the mysteries of otaku when I saw this
beautiful, doll-like waitress enter, her body emanating a flowery scent
as her skin exuded softness I couldn't begin to describe.

'Did I enter the women's WC by mistake?' I thought to myself as I kept
the stall's door almost closed with the tips of my fingers while
peering through the narrow slit of an opening.

Shit, what if more girls started coming in? I could've sworn I entered
the men's room! Maybe someone was playing a prank on me and pasted a
men's room sign on the women's room before removing it later? This was
illegal, right?

At any rate, the girl didn't see that there was a guy... me... inside
the comfort room, and she started undressing then and there in a hurry.

I couldn't move a muscle. What in the world was happening? I was...
trapped!

It then occurred to me that the women's room did not, in fact, have
urinals on the wall. Maybe. _I_ was the one who entered the right room!
It was this klutzy waitress who entered in the wrong room!

God, she had such white, flawless skin, like she were a dairy product
turned into human flesh. Not to mention the pinkest nipples I'd ever
seen!

There must've been a short circuit in my brain, because I had the bright
idea to call her attention and whisper, "H-Hey, Miss! You're in the
wrong stall!" I must've been thinking with my dick that time.

She turned, half-naked, her underpants and stockings on her knees,
revealing the creamiest thighs around. Even though she had the flattest
of chests I'd ever seen in a girl, the pureness of her body and the
cuteness of her pouting lips made my heart flutter.

She let out a small, coquettish yelp as she covered herself the best she
could while I myself covered my eyes and screamed internally.

She looked like he was about to bolt when the door to the men's room
swung open. Before I knew it, I was shoved back into my stall altogether
by her. She ran into me in her panic, flinging her gym bag that was
supposed to house her change of clothes as a whole throng of customers
entered the WC.

What the hell was going on here?


========================================================================


The Enigmatic Maiden
By Abdiel

I'm trying my hand at first-person POV while I'm undergoing a bit of a
writer's block on my other projects. Should be fun.


========================================================================


When I was in high school, I was considered a shadow. If I were in an
anime, I'd be one of those background characters in a still frame, never
moving, and placed there to make the scene look "fuller" than before. I
kind of liked it better this way, because when I was in middle school, I
was the center of attention... in all the wrong ways.

I was a huge crybaby who got bullied so hard my family had to transfer
schools while I myself had to go to therapy to get over my suicidal
thoughts and my alleged "post-traumatic stress disorder".

Therefore, ending up being "The Shadow" of my school was a lot better
than what had happened to me before, when I ended up the butt of
everyone's jokes, I had no friends to speak of whatsoever, and everyone
had something to whisper about me behind my back.

In my present high school, I at least ended up being friends with the
resident weirdo otaku in campus, becoming the cliche "quiet, bland, and
uninteresting" guy of our gang. "Boy A", if you will.

The unofficial "leader" of our trio was the biggest, fattest, dumbest,
and most annoying super otaku of an upperclassman around; the president
of the manga club, Sawada-sempai. He was _that guy_ who regularly
reenacted scenes of his favorite anime and pulled out anime quotes out
of the blue without any ability to practice tact or read the mood. That
was him in a nutshell.

The two of us in sempai's posse... the so-called "Dead Kids Society", as
our detractors would call our group (Because we were people with "no
lives", hence "Dead Kids")... would retract our heads into our collars
like turtles in shame whenever he talked about the virtues of Char
Aznabel for the whole school to hear (even though the original Gundam
was shown before he or any of us were born and he only knew about the
series thanks to the Super Robot Wars game).

When sempai walked, he shuffled, his hands inside his pockets like K
from King of Fighters while wearing a trench coat, of all things. If I
didn't have any other choice in friends, I wouldn't be associating with
these guys. Luckily (or unluckily), I was considered the most "normal"
among our trio of nerds... for good or for ill.

As a side note, their fearless leader was once exposed for the charlatan
that he was with eighth-grade syndrome to boot (long story short, he was
a poser with delusions of grandeur) when he said that the quote, "When I
was a child, my speech, feelings, and thinking were all those of a
child. Now that I am a man, I have no more use for childish ways," was
from the original 1995 Ghost in the Shell movie.

Holy shit.

This all came to a head when someone at last year's Comiket (it was my
first Comiket, in fact) corrected him and pointed out that it was
actually Ghost in the Shell that quoted that passage from the Bible
(which was exactly right).

Full of bluster, sempai never accepted the correction and his debate
with this other guy devolved into who had watched the most anime series
and read the most manga. They also threw in phrases like "Ad hominem
attack" and "Strawman Arguments" into the fray. It was quite the
pathetic sight. I myself would never do anything like that in light of
my past middle school trauma regarding bullying.

Then again, sempai was essentially a grown-up kid from middle school
posing as a third-year high school senior anyway. I never had the heart
to tell him by the time the convention was over that the other guy was
right and he was completely, unequivocally wrong (it was a quote from 1
Corinthians 13:11, to be exact).

Anyway, aside from myself and Sawada-sempai, there was also Hinami: The
"Boy B" to my "Boy A". To those who'd read Ranma 1/2, he was the
Hiroshi to my Daisuke... or maybe it was the other way around. To those
who'd read or watched the Suzumiya Haruhi media franchise, he was the
Kunikida to my Taniguchi... or vice-versa.

Hinami and I were also collectively called "that weirdo otaku Sawada's
friends" (no one ever  bothered remembering our names thanks to the
borderline autistic hi-jinks of our crazy sempai).

Although I would hate to somehow compare my idiotic, boisterous, and
poseur of an upperclassman to Ranma or Kyon (as if), if I were
completely honest with myself, the rest of the world (or at least the
rest of the school) probably viewed Hinami and I as interchangeable
faceless nobodies that served as sidekicks to the disgusting otaku
known as Daigoro Sawada.

All the same, Hinami was the only guy I could trust with my unbelievable
encounter with a cat-eared maid the first time I went to a  maid cafe in
Akihabara.


===


"You wouldn't believe what happened to me last Friday, man," I greeted
Hinami as I entered the manga clubroom after classes.

It was a lazy Monday afternoon. Hinami and I were alone in our clubroom.
To be honest, it was more like a spare storage supply room for the
officially recognized Arts and Crafts Club. In contrast, in our Manga
Club, no one could actually draw, so we talked more about manga, anime,
light novels, and visual novels instead of creating them.

For some reason (maybe it was my imagination), Hinami looked a lot paler
than usual. Like a ferret or a meerkat, his head shot up in attention as
soon as I spoke, his eyes almost as big as the coke-bottle glasses he
wore that magnified them to cartoonish proportions instead of hid them.

His bullies must have been giving him a rough time again, calling him
a girly man and whatnot (complete with trite Arnold Schwarzenegger
impersonations).

His bullying had gotten so intense that I cringed for his sake while
getting flashbacks of my own trials and tribulations in middle school.
He had people writing on his desk, taking away his shoes from his
locker, whispering behind his back, and so forth.

So I gave him a break. I befriended the smartest guy in our class, even
though he could be quite the jerk at times when I was merely trying to
be nice to him.

He eventually cleared his throat, wiped his sweat, and said, "Whatever.
Try me, Okinawa-kun."

"I just lost my virginity."

It took all of one second for him to reply, "Bullshit. What really
happened?"

"...Yeah, I was only messing with you, but something just as
unbelievable happened to me, dude! I swear!"

"Then stop beating around the bush and tell me, man."

"...I saw a maid waitress changing her clothes in the men's room of an
Akiba maid cafe and we somehow ended up inside a stall together!"

"...W-Waitress?"

"Yeah."

Hinami's shoulders slumped down as he looked away and breathed out what
sounded to me as a disdainful sigh. I didn't think my story was all
_that_ farfetched or underwhelming.

What was he expecting anyway? That I ran into a middle of a hidden
camera porno shoot? Even with someone who underreacted as much as him,
he could at least showcase a modicum of surprise.

"...So what manga did you steal that scenario from?"

"Well, _fuck_ you too, man."


===


Back at some Akihabara Maid Cafe that I finally had the guts to visit
after a year of living in the supposed Electric Town of Japan...

"Hey, did you see what they did to the Aku no Hana anime, man? Pure
3DPD! Nakamura looked absolutely ridiculous! Would not touch with a ten-
foot pole!" said one of the throng of nerds who entered the CR while I
and... this girl before me were cramped up inside the narrow stall, her
legs straddling my knee as I sat back down the porcelain throne I had
previously used. I felt and smelled her minty breath on my neck.

I eventually lost track of the conversation outside the stall we were
stuck in. While I myself was an anime fan, I couldn't keep up with the
current otaku culture and lingo.

I knew enough to know what "hiding your power level" signified (in that
I never showcased my interest in cartoons in public, unlike my idiot
sempai), but not enough to understand _exactly_ what "moe" meant or even
the concept of having a "2D" waifu. That baffled me.

This was probably why Sawada-sempai called me a "filthy casual" who
"needed to watch more anime to get to his level". Yes, the idiot who
thought a bible verse quote originated from an anime film had the gall
to tell me that.

At any rate, there she was, this cute and mysterious maid, holding me
close in an embrace, her skirt hiked up, the buttons on her blouse
undone, the smell of her fragrant lilac perfume tickling my nose hairs
and covering the stench I had left earlier, and her flat chest and puffy
nipples seemingly pointing straight at me... accusingly so, almost.

I was also rudely pointing at her, but not with my fingers, which I used
to hold her steady after she unceremoniously pushed me inside the stall.
What was this? Some sort of love comedy? A girl klutzy enough to undress
in the men's room just pushed me and herself into a cramped stall? How
was my brain supposed to process this?

What a mess. What was this girl doing in the men's room anyway? Wasn't
there supposed to be an employee's dressing room of some sort in this
cafe? Why couldn't she change her clothes there? There were all sorts
of people in the world, I guess.

She whispered, "You can let go of me now."

"Ah, sorry! Sorry! I didn't mean to...!"

I instantly did what she said and looked away, my face on fire. This was
the first time I've ever seen a girl naked... for real. This wasn't a
drawing or cartoon of a naked woman or an image from an adult video. It
was the real deal. It was a surreal experience.

All I'm waiting for now was a scream of "HENTAI!" or "YOU'RE THE WORST!"
and my Rom Com Bingo Card would be complete. Was I dreaming? Maybe that
stupid "magic spell" that the maid who served my omelet rice did sent
me to an enchanted world where manga cliches were rampant and true. Or
maybe she put something in my food after seeing the surly, cynical look
I probably gave her when she started doing her "spell". Who knew?

Instead of doing the expected, the girl before me sniffled quietly and
wiped the flow of tears on her eyes. Even in her distressed state, she
only managed to look cuter and cuter. What did the protagonists from
stories such as this do around this time anyway?

With Akane Tendo, Ranma was usually sent flying to the sky whenever he
accidentally ran into her while changing. With Haruhi Suzumiya, it took
sometime before Haruhi herself pushed Kyon away when she undressed;
usually, she didn't care whether or not men or women were around when
she was changing her clothes. However, if it were Kyon in front of her,
she showed that she actually did care for her modesty.

Great. None of those instances helped me in the least, so I blathered
the first thing that entered my mind: "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I'll
turn myself in to the police! Please, stop crying! I didn't mean to
molest you!"

Nothing said, "Complete Virgin Who Has Barely If Ever Interacted with a
Girl All His Life" more than those pathetic statements. I even
conveniently forgot that it was _her_ who entered the men's room and
_she_ wasn't supposed to be there, not the other way around.

"You saw, didn't you?" she probed as she bit her quivering lower lip.

"No! I didn't! I definitely didn't! I closed my eyes as soon as I
could!" I whispered as the otaku outside continued talking about evil
flowers or something.

"You're lying! You did see it, didn't you?" she whispered back. "The jig
is up! You're going to tell everyone about me, Okiname-kun!"

"I won't! I won't! I swear I won't! You didn't mean to change inside the
men's room! You probably thought the employee locker room was too
cramped, crowded, or something! I don't know! What were you doing here
anyway?"

We both paused then we chorused, "Eh?" as we tilted our heads at each
other. Back up. Back the fuck up. I only noticed it now in my panic, but
we were having two different conversations going on.

"H-How did you know my name? A-And what do you mean I'm going to tell
everyone about you?"

She shuddered, turned her head to the side, and smoothed her skirt while
buttoning up her blouse. "I... I heard Aoi-chan ask you for your name.
That's how I found out you're Okinawa-kun... or rather, _Okiname_-kun,
Mister Customer. Also, I was afraid you'll tell my boss how I
accidentally ended up in the men's room. I might even get fired!"

I scratched my head in order to jog my memory. Oh yeah. That stupid
"spell" on the omelet rice included having the maid write a customized
dedication to the customers. "Okinawa-kun" and whatnot. "O-Okay. Don't
worry, I won't tell anyone what happened here. It's out little secret."

"W-What about you, um... Okiname-kun, was it? When you said you didn't
see anything, you meant it, right?"

My face flared anew as I covered my mouth, coughed, and said, "I may
have peeked a little. And saw something."

She gave me a blank stare before asking, "You didn't see anything too
naughty, did you, Mister Customer?"

"O-Of course not! You've already pushed me inside this stall before I
could take a good look... n-not that I wanted to or anything! I-I'm not
a pervert!" came my defensive rant. Lame. I sounded like one of those
dense, beta male MCs who couldn't talk to women for the life of them yet
somehow women rained down on them like they were god's gift to
womankind.

I detested those people, yet look at me, acting just like I were one of
them. Curse my existence and hypocrisy. I then gulped hard at the
thought of seeing more than this girl's flat chest and her thighs before
she pushed me inside the stall.

The maid before me heaved a sigh reserved for people who've been given a
stay of execution before she altogether giggled. "You look so adorable
when you're flustered, Okiname-kun!"

I laughed along with her until I saw that her small, dainty hands were
still shaking. Of course, they were. She was inside a bathroom stall
with a man. The poor thing must be petrified.

"Oh, you were changing just now, right?" I turned and faced the opposite
direction, the toilet's tank right in front of me as I confronted the
vandalized wall. "Please do."

"Oh, um... this stall is far too cramped for me to change clothes..."
she trailed off.

"Of course. What was I thinking? I faced her again, our eyes meeting,
and somehow a faint sense of familiarity dawned to me that I couldn't
quite place. It faded as the shy lady turned away and opted to put back
on the clothes she was planning to discard.

"I guess we're trapped for now. I sure wish those guys would leave
soon."

"Yeah," I said lamely, too mesmerized by the shape of her posterior and
the slimness of her waist. I then got flashbacks of women calling me a
pervert for catching me staring at their buttocks for far too long and
whatnot, which prompted me to turn away before this one shy girl who
dared talk to me without revulsion also saw me as a pervert.

"You were looking at my butt, weren't you?"

Well, so much for that slim hope. "...Yes."

"How was it?"

"Pardon?"

"Does this dress make my butt look big?"

I winced. I had far too little experience in dealing with women and
their insanity... I was an only child, I never had friends who were
girls (which was ironic, seeing how many of them put me in the Friend
Zone when I confessed my love for them)... to know how to properly
answer the "Does this dress make me look fat?" question.

I gave it the ol' college try, though. "I think that uniform looks good
on you. And your butt." I sank faster than the Titanic when it hit the
iceberg. 'Help,' I thought to no one in particular.

She nodded and grinned as she shook her behind at me. "Good to know.
Thank you, Mister Customer." Meanwhile, I had a mini heart attack that
prompted me to sit back down the toilet bowl below me.


===


Ever the master of the poker face, the glare on the bespectacled
Hinami's glasses nearly blinded me as he drawled, "So what doujinshi,
light novel, or amateur web novel are you trying to write this time,
Okiname-kun?"

"I'm telling you, that's what happened!" I said, although I was starting
to have doubts with what my memory told me. I'd read online that
people's memories could lie to them sometimes, such that there were
instances when we'd remember details that didn't actually happen as we
try to recall events from the past.

Maybe that flirtatious maid in the cat maid cafe didn't shake her behind
at me and it was all my imagination? On the other hand, it was hard to
forget something like that if it were to happen to anyone who was
straight.

Meanwhile, I was also under the impression that there was no right
answer when it came to the "Does this dress make me look fat?" question.

I still have no idea how I got through that predicament unscathed with a
butt jiggle for my troubles. Maybe she did that exactly because no one
would ever believe me if I told them what happened?

"I believe the likelier scenario would be you getting caught acting like
a pervert, then your mind wandered off as she scolded you for your
sexual harassment," theorized the pint-sized squirt before me.

"Is it so hard to believe that women would flirt with me?"

"Yes," said Hinami without a second thought.

His smartness made him insufferable at times, although in this instance,
even I was wondering why a maid from a maid cafe whom I accidentally
peeked on would suddenly flirt with me. Maybe I creeped her out so
thoroughly that she used her feminine charms to cope with the situation
prior to her escape? Did I look that much of a pervert to people?

"Maybe she got creeped out by you so much that she flirted with you to
distract you and escape? I mean, you can't blame her for feeling
threatened," the high-IQ, low-EQ Hinami took the words right out of my
mouth. I grumbled, but I didn't exactly deny his point all the same.

What an asshole. Why was I friends with Mister High-and-Mighty with
Napoleonic Tendencies again?

Hinami was the guy who was at the top of our class but was too small in
stature to be of any use in sports. Of course, my own clumsiness and
disinterest in anything athletic made us almost indistinguishable from
each other for most people (he was smarter than me by leaps and bounds
in academics, though).

My supposed counterpart was a bespectacled, mousy nerd who was even
more bullied than I was when people discovered how onion-skinned I was
in middle school.

I don't quite remember how we became friends, but here we were. I even
got my share of bullying because of my insistence in associating with
the twerp, although thankfully by that time, I'd gone through so much
middle school bullying that I'd become rather desensitized by it. I'd
already seen worse, so bring it on, you goddamn "normal" scum, as
Sawada-sempai would say.

Sawada-sempai, Hinami-kun, and I were still on the lowest part of the
totem pole when it came to the class hierarchy, and many of sempai's
classmates thought it was lame for him to have only "kids" that he could
"fool" as his friends.

However, I'd still standby that lame man through thick and thin since he
was around to hang out and talk about manga and anime with us during the
time when both me and Hinami were having difficulties finding any
friends in our own class.

Sempai wasn't the confrontational type, and he was a bit of a coward
himself (on top of being a poser). However, when the chips were down, he
gave us two a club to hang out in and be ourselves. For that, I would
forever be grateful to him.

"...So she was just trying to get away from me?" I mumbled under my
breath, but somehow Hinami was able to understand my words.

"Well, maybe. Maybe not. I mean, sure, it'd make it look weird for her
to scream inside the men's room about you being a pervert, since she
wasn't supposed to be inside there in the first place, but if she did
consider what happened as sexual harassment, then she would've reported
it to the police by now."

I shrugged as I said, "I guess..."

"What else happened?"

"Well..."


===


Back at some Akihabara Maid Cafe I finally had the guts to visit after
a year of living in the supposed Electric Town...

We both blushed as we finally paid attention and overheard what the
throng of otaku outside the stalls said.

"Stinking normals! If you're going to flirt, get a room at a love hotel
or something! Don't go having sex anywhere you want! What are you
animals?"

"Man, this is why 2D is better than 3DPD! Bitches and whores, man! Doing
it inside a bathroom? Absolutely disgusting! You normals make me sick!"

"I bet one of them is recording the footage of them doing it right now!
Well, sorry for interrupting your raunchy rendezvous, normies! Honestly,
showing off your pig disgusting relationships...!"

They sounded just like Sawada-sempai when he talked about his "waifu".
Luckily, neither I nor the flirty klutz of a maid before me could
understand a word they were saying.

We breathed a collective sigh of relief when they finally left.

"I'm sure glad they're gone," she said.

"Hey, if you want, I could go out and serve as your lookout in case
anyone else wanted to enter while you changed clothes," I offered.

"Actually, there was supposed to be a 'Closed for Maintenance' sign
outside that I hung before changing my clothes here," she said as she
rapped her head with her knuckles and stuck her tongue out. "Did it
fall off or...?"

I checked and sure enough, the sign did get turned around, such that the
back instead of the front of the sign was showing. I put the sign back
in its right position so that no further interferences or awkward
incidents would happen.

"I was already on the toilet when you hung it and entered the men's
room to change, so..." I reminded.

"I guess it couldn't be helped. I'll just change back somewhere
else..."

A wave of impulsiveness gripped my heart. This wasn't something unusual,
though. I had done this to many a pretty girl who talked to me for more
than a few minutes without revulsion. "C-Can I have your phone number?"

"Eh? Whatever for, Okiname-kun?"

"I... I just want to see you again," I said. Inwardly, I sighed in
relief. At least I didn't tell her that I loved her at first sight and I
want to go out with her within mere minutes of meeting her. And seeing
her naked. That was borderline sexual harassment, wasn't it?

I couldn't help it. She was definitely flirting with me when she shook
her butt at me... right? Or was that just a joke? It was too late for
regrets.

She smiled sadly. "I'm sorry, Okiname-kun. I don't think you'll ever see
me again."

"EH? You're not going to work at this maid cafe anymore?"

"Yeah, I think I'm going to quit now."

"...Is it because of me?" I queried, half-afraid that she'd report me to
the police, my mind formulating various explanations on why the whole
thing was a big misunderstanding. Besides, she was the one who had the
bright idea to change her clothes in the men's room!

"N-No, it's nothing like that." She titled her head, smiled, put her
hands behind the small of her back, clasping them together as she
tiptoed beside me and kissed me on the cheek. "Don't worry. I take back
what I said. Maybe we'll meet again someday. Maybe."

As I stood there, numb from the neck down thanks to the electrifying
sensation I felt from her chicken peck, the maid left. I barely had
enough breath left in me to call out, "What's your name? When can I see
you again?"

"It's Kyo... ko. Kyoko. And I'll see around sooner than you think!" she
said as she waved goodbye and left with a spring in her step.


===


Back in the Manga Clubroom...

"Well, you're right about one thing." The glasses-wearing midget gave me
a bored, dismissive look that had helped alienate him from our class in
ways more efficient than my crying back in middle school did.

"What's that?" I asked, setting myself up hook, line, and sinker.

"That story was more unbelievable than you losing your virginity."

"Fuck you, man. I swear it's true!"

"Come on. That has got to be the most ridiculous tale I've ever heard.
It sounds like something straight out of a porn doujinshi. That was
adapted as a late-night anime and had the sex parts turned into
fanservice by the writers. Now what girl in her right mind would
'accidentally' end up in the men's room? What is she, an AV idol?"

"But that's what really happened!" I said, realizing how unconvincing I
sounded as I shrunk back down from Hinami's withering stare. "A-Adult
videos don't work that way. Even in train molestation movies, it's rare
to see a girl be that aggressive."

"Riiight. And that's the second creepiest thing I've ever heard in this
room. Congrats," said Hinami as he took out his PSP and started playing
a game.

"You'd rather I got whacked with a mallet and sent flying like Team
Rocket from Pokemon?"

"It's about as believable as a girl wiggling her butt in front of your
face after exposing herself to you."

"UGH. Fine. You win. I lied. I made up the whole thing!"

"You don't have to be a drama queen about it," said Hinami as he turned
away and resumed his game. "All I'm asking for is proof."

I couldn't blame him for his incredulity. A girl changing her clothes
in the men's room? Then she somehow pushed the both of us inside the
stall while I went "half-mast"? Even mangaka wouldn't come up with
something so moronic.

What kind of girl would shake her cans at a stranger after he walked
into her in the middle of changing clothes? Why would she flirt with me
while she was half-naked instead of doing the commonsensical reaction of
screaming and being deathly afraid by the guy straddling her in her
almost undressed state?

What drugs was I on to have imagined such a mind-numbing, unbelievable
story? "Will I ever see her again?" I apparently said out loud, because
Hinami was again giving me "The Look".

"You don't think a girl would ever flirt with me?" I blurted out
defensively.

"Suuuure. Girls love it when strangers walk into them in the middle of
taking off their clothes... according to porno."

"That's not my fault! She's the one who was dumb enough to enter the
men's room...!" Just then, something occurred to me. A girl accidentally
entering the men's room almost never happened unless someone was pulling
a prank on her, she intentionally entered there to have a sexy
rendezvous with her boyfriend (which was what those otaku thought),
or...

"Anyway, this is too much to swallow, Okiname-kun. I'll take your word
for it, but that's it," said Hinami with finality in his voice, which
didn't sound like it hit past puberty yet. "Anyway, it's not as if
you've had the best of luck when it comes to wooing women."

"HEY!"

"...No offense," Hinami appended while taking a drink out of his bottled
water.

I harrumphed and sat down on the chair next to Hinami, making sure my
seat clattered as noisily as possible. Although it was mostly for
show. Another one of the reasons why the guy had so few friends in our
class... aside from being about as proportionately tiny as a munchkin or
even a "loli", as Sawada-sempai would put it... was his bluntness and
brutal honesty.

Well, two could play that game. I could be brutally honest myself. "Say
what you will. Because of what happened in that maid cafe, I vigorously
masturbated to Kyoko-chan like there's no tomorrow."

Yes, I intentionally timed my revelation while Hinami was drinking. The
whole thing backfired on me, though, when he spat the water right in my
face. It took him several tries before he could become coherent again.

"Jeez, man! That's gross! And that's officially the creepiest thing I've
heard said in this room! I didn't need to know that! Pervert! Creep!"

"Your face is red all over, Hinami-kun."

"...Of course it is! I'm being embarrassed for the both of us!"

"Don't misunderstand. I fapped to her because it was love at first
sight!"

"Bullshit! You fapped t-to her because she's the only girl you know who
would wiggle her butt at you... which probably means she doesn't exist!"

"Jeez, relax, will ya? It's only us dudes here. So I jerked off to a
girl. It's not the end of the world." I calmly wiped my face with my
handkerchief as I withheld my smirk. "By the way, what was the _former_
creepiest thing you've heard said in here? It's probably something
Sawada-sempai said, right? Like..."

"...Little shota boys are the best, aren't they?"

We both screamed in terror at the sudden appearance of the club's de
facto president and founder, Daigoro Sawada, the third year high
schooler that was actually an overgrown kid and unofficial "leader" of
the "Dead Kids Society".

Speak of the devil, Sawada-sempai appeared in their midst, like the big,
fat, and perverted ninja that he was with a face that begged to be
included in Japan's registered sex offenders list.

"How are my two favorite would-be mangaka? That's an interesting topic
you're discussing, Hitoshi! Kyosuke!"

Hinami and I collectively shuddered at the man with no tact or ability
to read the mood. One of his creepiest traits our senior had was his
blatant use of yobisute or the first-name basis on everyone he came
across like some sort of American tourist who had no idea how honorifics
worked. I was Hitoshi, and Hinami was Kyosuke, by the way.

"I couldn't help but notice that your ero doujinshi idea lacked a bit of
je ne sais quoi, Hitoshi!"

"I told you it sounded like it's from an ero doujinshi," came Hinami's
side comment as I protested, "It's not an idea for an ero doujinshi!
There was no sex involved, and my masturbation later doesn't count!"

Not that the exchange mattered to sempai in the least. "I know _exactly_
what's missing in your scenario, Hitoshi! Traps! Newhalfs! Transsexuals!
It needs more wiener between those buns, boy!"

"...."

I have the inkling suspicion that the "spit take" that Hinami did on
sempai's face was more intentional than what he did on me. "Are you two
intentionally making this clubroom even more uninhabitable than it
already was by your combined creepiness factor?"

"There's absolutely nothing creepy about traps, Kyosuke!" said sempai,
his nostrils flaring as he groped imaginary butts. "Imagine how much
better Hitoshi's story would have been had the person Hitoshi
encountered was a "he" instead of a "she"! I can see it now..."


===


This was how my "story" _should've_ gone according to Sawada-sempai.

With a cute, tiny voice, "Kyoko" (not his real name) made me promise
not to tell the other waitresses at the maid cafe that he was in fact a
cross-dressing boy. I said, "Yes," since I felt bad for the guy, but my
not-so-little-guy had other ideas, growing stronger and harder by the
second.

"I don't believe you," he said, and I couldn't blame him, because my
assent to his request was as noncommittal as it could get.

"I guess you'll have to take my word for it." I leaned in close and got
a good whiff of his sweet lilac scent, which only made my nether regions
hotter than ever before.

"What are you thinking, you idiot?" he admonished with a blush as he
looked away. He then grabbed hold of my crotch, and as I looked down, I
realized he wasn't quite done changing too. We were now both "pointing"
at each other via extremities other than our toes and fingers.

"What are you doing?" I squealed as he did... things to me and parts of
my male body. He then said with puffy, reddened cheeks and his own
growing erection, "I know exactly how I'm going to keep you from telling
the others about my secret."

I tried to push him off, but there were people outside and I don't want
to end up in one of those cliche "MISUNDERSTANDING!" poses of me ending
up on top of a half-dressed cross dresser. I throbbed with a mixture of
pleasure and guilt.

"If you ever tell the others that you saw me cross-dress in this maid
cafe, I'm going to tell them what we did here," he threatened in one
breath as his breathing became heavier while he knelt down and
puckered up.

I protested, "But we haven't done anything...!"

He smiled an impish grin. "...Not yet."


===


"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND, YOU LECHER?" shouted the effeminate Hinami as
he threw books at sempai's sniggering face. "You're doing this on
purpose, aren't you? You're no better than my classmates, you asshole!"

"It was just a joke! A ruse! There's no need to take it seriously! What
Hitoshi said about whacking off was more disturbing than what I said!"

"Hey! Don't get me involved in your bullshit, sempai!" I admonished. As
amusing as it was to see Sawada-sempai lightheartedly tease poor Hinami
like this... if we weren't his friends, a passerby would swear we were
his biggest bullies yet... something nagged me at the corner of my
mind.

"Waaaait. Sempai's right. It does make better sense..." I said aloud as
something urgent tugged at the edge of my spinal cord, as though it
were the Notre Dam hunchback Quasimodo trying to ring the fleshy pink
twin "bells" that served as my brain.

"Why _would_ a girl end up in the men's room? Aside from her meeting up
there with her boyfriend, the only other reason that comes to mind is
that she's not really a she, but a he disguised as a she. That's why she
can't use the employee locker room to change."

"That's the spirit, Hitoshi! Your story would be much better if it had
traps in it! They're just like girls, except with something extra!"
cheered my perverted upperclassman.

"I'm not making up a story, Sawada-sempai! I'm talking about something
that actually happened to me back in that maid cafe you recommended for
me in Akiba!"

"Eeeh? You _really_ met a girl who was changing her clothes inside the
men's room in the Cat Girl Maid Cafe? That's far out, Hitoshi. Do you
think a real-life trap actually works there?" inquired Sawada-sempai.

"Y-You're both crazy! Stay away from me, you perverts!" Hinami and his
"virgin" ears couldn't take any more of our banter as he stuffed his PSP
into his school leather bag and began to leave.

I couldn't say this was the first time he walked out on our club. Sempai
could be quite obnoxious.

"Aw, come on, Kyosuke! I was just kidding! Come back, Kyo-chan!" pleaded
Sawada-sempai, although the big goofy grin plastered on his face belied
whatever sincerity he attempted to achieve with his apology.

...Kyosuke.

That was when a flash of insight... my "satori", so to speak... hit me.
Eureka. I had my epiphany then and there, followed by immediate regret
and disbelief.

No. No, it couldn't be. Then again, she looked rather familiar... No
way. It was a lie, wasn't it, Hinami Kyosuke-kun? Hinami Kyo...?

No, I was being silly. There was no way it could be true. I mean, maybe
I dreamed the whole thing up. That "Aoi-chan" waitress put something in
my fried shrimp omelet rice. Like coke, LSD, or ecstasy.

But what if my encounter with Kyoko really happened? That didn't
necessarily follow that Hinami would...!

Yeah, of course. He reacted badly when I brought up I had something
unbelievable to tell him because his bullies were bothering him as
usual. He had nothing to do with that toilet incident.

He was shocked when I said I masturbated to the flirtatious cat-ear maid
I saw back in that Akiba maid cafe because I was relaying too much
information.

When the maid said, "You saw, didn't you?" she obviously meant her naked
body and her private parts, nothing more. That was what she meant when
she also said, "The jig is up!"

Besides, Hinami hated being called a girly man, so the last thing he
would do was... was...

Before I knew what was happening, my body moved on its own, and I
grabbed hold of Hinami's thin wrist and spun him around towards me so
that we'd be stuck in a close embrace, the nape of his neck directly in
front of my nose. A took a good whiff.

"O-O-O-kina-wa-n-na-me-kun?" he babbled incoherently.

"Hitoshi? W-What's going on here, man?" probed Sawada-sempai.

I murmured in awe, "...Y-You smell like lilacs."

With tears in his eyes, Hinami dropped his bag, which he neglected to
zip properly in his hurry to get out of the room, its contents spilling
all over the floor.

There they were. His books. His pencil case. His makeup kit. His high
heel shoes. His knapsack full of unmentionables. Garters. Panties. A cat
ear headband. Part of his maid uniform. His wig. All of which had a hint
of lilac perfume on them.

"Kyoko" was right. I did get to see her again sooner than I thought.


===


Usually, in trap stories, the reveal that the girl is a "trap" is done
almost immediately at the very beginning of the series. This time
around, I opted for the "Boys Don't Cry" approach for this story.

See you around,
Abdiel
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