[FFML] [www][fanfic][MLP:FiM] Turducken @ MythrilMoth.net (plus general updates)

[Adrian Tymes]

On Tue, Nov 26, 2013 at 11:50 AM, Mythril Moth
<mythrilmoth at mythrilmoth.net>wrote:

> This does not mean I'm abandoning any of my non-MLP stories by any
> stretch! I just....haven't really worked on anything non-MLP in a while.
>

Fair enough.  One work is inspiring you more than others.

As to the story, an enjoyable take - and certainly the type FiM might
have.  A few nits - minor things, but since I'm giving C&C:

> orange

 This seems a bit off, as the only non-regular-color word in the entire
story, even if the * rows are white.

> snapped the vine...and the pumpkin

I think a comma, or a hyphen surrounded by spaces, would have been better
there.

> stood and stared in dismay

"stood and" could be snipped out, since it's implied by the rest.

> "Quobblck."

Quack, gobble...quack?  If you were going for "cluck", then "quobbluck"
might be better.

> It sported a short, sharp beak

The beak didn't merge in the bill, to be sharp and long?  Aww.

> Its neck cracked forward like a whip, and it opened its beak wide...

> ...and issued a crackling, snapping fireball.

Technically an extra "and" in there.  Also, even if it was for dramatic
pacing, I'm not sure the ellipsis and break works well there.  Also also,
passive voice.  Perhaps better:

"It cracked its neck forward like a whip, opened its beak wide, and issued
a crackling, snapping fireball."

> "I DIDN'T KNOW IT COULD BREATHE FIRE! NOPONY TOLD ME IT COULD BREATHE
FIRE! IT WOULD'VE BEEN REALLY, REALLY USEFUL TO KNOW THAT FREAKY THING
COULD BREATHE FIRE!!"

Lost a chance for rule-of-three there. ;)  Maybe 2 exclamation points for
the second sentence, and 3 for the third?

> The Turducken

Unless that's a proper name (it might be in this case, but usage suggest
otherwise), it doesn't get capitalized.
-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <http://www.chez-vrolet.net/pipermail/ffml/attachments/20131126/93523515/attachment.html>