[FFML] [Ranma][Revised] Hearts and Minds, Part 1 of 10

[Gary Kleppe]

Thanks very much for such detailed and insightful feedback.


On 06/25/2013 01:02 AM, Michael Clark wrote:

>> Tatewaki nodded. "I'll tell you what I know. Shan Pu will be here
>> shortly and she can probably answer any questions that I cannot."
>
> It surprises me Kuno is in a position to know about this before Ranma
> does, but I trust that you have an explanation forthcoming.  This is
> just one of those things that gets my attention--which is most
> definitely good!  I see later on this is because Kuno has been with the
> Amazons for some time, which makes a lot of sense.


A bit of history here: The ten Preludes that detail the action between 
the end of the manga and start of HaM proper were written over about a 
year's time. The release of HaM itself was started about a year after 
that. So the assumption at the time was that people would've read the 
preludes and that there was no need to explain things that had been 
shown in detail there.

Fast-forward to over fifteen years later, and I'm starting this series 
of revisions, and it occurs to me that with just a few additions, HaM 
could stand on its own and be accessible to people who haven't read the 
preludes. You've served as the guinea pig for this. :)  And based on 
your feedback I think I need to maybe add a couple more things, but I 
think overall it seems to have worked okay.


> Ranma and Kodachi have their fight, and there's a brief plot point over
> whether Kodachi will accompany the party from Japan.  To tell the truth,
> I find this point to be mere filler by comparison to other things that
> are going on.  The earlier scenes serve to help establish who the
> characters are now.  This voting process seems like a foregone
> conclusion (if there's a question about her going, she's going).


Ranma/Kodachi in this part is a precursor to other things that will be 
important as we go. The voting is really to make the reader wonder 
whether or not she should be trusted.


> We go back to China, where Ti Pi gives her report to the Amazon elders,
> and we finally get some sense of the threat that the natives face.  A
> Mongol warlord, whose motives are unclear but whose intentions are very
> clear: surrender or be taken by force.  I understand the desire to
> maintain some level of intrigue and secrecy, but at this point, I find
> myself asking, "Why should I care what this Mongol wants?"


Not sure what kind of answer you're looking for. His wants have led him 
to order an invasion of the village, so they have to care at least that 
much. At this point I don't know that we need to know his motivation; 
that'll come later.


> I had to go back and make sure which elder was which to understand what
> Kui was contemplating and that she was, in fact, resolved to betray her
> people's wishes.  It could be this is an unavoidable consequence of
> having so many elders to keep track of.
>
>
> We wrap up with a few concluding points: Mousse is in league with
> Biaozi, the party is about to embark for China, and the Mongol's forces
> have invaded the village.  Overall, I reiterate my previous criticism:
> we know the Mongol wants *something*, but why?  Who knows.  To me, the
> leading theory at this point is that Biaozi *is* the Mongol and wishes
> retribution on the village, but that makes the rest of the Mongol's
> efforts not really make sense yet.


Biaozi isn't the General. You'll learn a lot more about each of them as 
the series progresses, and hopefully their motivations should be 
reasonably clear by the end.


>
> Despite the mandates of law, Ti Pi judges for herself what might be the
> most effective course for her to work in the best interests of her
> people.  So very quickly, we know that she is not a blind slave to law
> and directives.  She comes across as a rather intelligent, thoughtful
> person.


Yes, Ti Pi's weakness/strength is curiosity, and she's willing to break 
the rules because of it.


>> "*I* have heard a different rumor," Tatewaki said. "I have it on
>> reliable sources that the pig-tailed girl is involved in a torrid,
>> passionate love affair with Ten-- excuse me, with Saotome Akane."
>
> I laughed when Ranma realized he was being played with.  Nicely done.
> That the three of them can joke around like this tells me a lot has
> changed, for all three of these characters (and likely the others).


Thanks.


>> "Here, then." Ti Pi threw the bolo back toward Zhen, expertly bouncing
>> it off his head.
>
> So Ti Pi is a bit tsundere toward him.  This actually seems, to me, to
> be all too familiar.
>
>
> Elder Lan doesn't come off as a very well-defined character in her short
> appearance in the third scene; perhaps more will come from her.


There will be more with her, but whether it is enough to define her I 
don't know. I tried to limit exposure of the new characters in order to 
let the regulars keep center stage mostly, but I may have gone too far. 
(You can see more of Lan in the side story, _A Different Faith_, which 
won't be reposted but is available on my website.)


> It could be I missed something, but all of a sudden, we warp back to
> Japan, and Kodachi is being a little snide to people and, in Ranma's
> words, picking fights.  They seemed to get along quite well by
> comparison in the earlier scene.  I can't quite place any strong reason
> for Kodachi to suddenly be antagonistic.


It's not so much that she's antagonistic. Kodachi is trolling for a 
fight because she expects to win and she knows how much that will get to 
Ranma.



>> Maybe Kodachi wasn't using a trick. Maybe she had spent the past seven
>> years doing nothing but training. Ranma hadn't. Not with the intensity
>> he had in high school, anyway. What if while he had been taking
>> college courses and starting a family, she had been learning martial
>> arts techniques from someone as good as Ke Lun?
>
> So Ranma *has* dropped off; perhaps quite a bit.


It's not that Ranma has gotten worse, but Kodachi has gotten better. As 
Ranma has correctly surmised, she's using what he calls a gimmick. 
You'll learn much more about this in later chapters.


> Akane thinks about the life Kodachi must've had, potentially training
> very hard to the exclusion of all else, and this leads to a mental
> weighing of family and ordinary life vs. that drive to be better, to be
> more powerful and skilled.  But this is only briefly touched upon, yet
> it also seems to be telegraphed as part of Akane's arc in the future,
> especially in light of her earlier mini-Moko-Takabisha.
>
>
> Zhen Biaozi seems almost cartoonishly sinister (...how appropriate?),
> and while I can see how you set it up so Mousse is predisposed to take
> Biaozi's offer seriously (he did just pine over Shampoo), it would
> strike me as off if he really went through with this offer.  Is Mousse
> really so weak-willed?


We'll see. :)


> Biaozi's approach lacks nuance, too, in my opinion.  There's nothing
> less subtle than coming up to someone and saying, "Hi, hello, how are
> you?  I'm one of your enemies, and I'm here to recruit you."  I can
> hardly believe she's so direct.


I don't want to give out spoilers here, but suffice it (I hope) to say 
that she's playing with his head a little here. As in confuse him enough 
and he'll be more likely to screw up when it will hurt him.


>> Instinctively, she inched away from her position, off to the side of
>> the road. A rocky spire stood nearby; she moved around, as noiselessly
>> as she could manage, to crouch behind it. Footsteps approached. She
>> had no idea who was there. It was probably just an Amazon -- but if it
>> wasn't, being spotted could be fatal. For moments that seemed to
>> stretch into hours, she waited, for something that would identify the
>> unknown person.
>
> This last comma after "she waited" seems a little unnatural to me?  I'm
> trying to imagine a pause there and it doesn't feel right.


Seems okay to me, but I'll think about it.


> You're not wasting any time letting us know when we are.  On the one
> hand, I can appreciate how helpful that is.  On the other hand, Ranma's
> reaction is really quite nonchalant--even friendly!--but I recognize
> right away the main purpose of this line, and as such, I can't help but
> wonder if it really is natural for him to mention the time span.
> Perhaps it would be if he were initially incorrect, like he's trying to
> remember and figure it out.


That sounds like a good suggestion.


>> "Yeah. Some of the stuff I've seen her and her teacher do...  Well,
>> long story. I'll fill you in on what I understand. Not that that's
>> much. " Ranma said. "You can tell us what this big threat against the
>> Amazon village is, too." He remembered how Ke Lun, on her deathbed,
>> had talked about some future great danger to the village; she'd gotten
>> him to promise to help defend it. Obviously now was that time.
>
> Do you feel like this might be better if we saw a little more of
> Cologne's death and her making Ranma promise to defend the village?
> Right now, this reads a little fast to me.


Cologne's death was the main subject of one of the preludes and shown in 
some detail there. I'll think about whether I can add something but I 
don't want a long recap.



> Every time I see the word "undampened" I think of Star Trek intertial
> dampeners, which insulate the Enterprise from sudden motions by making
> it too...wet.
>
> I kid.  But I do like to point out that "(un)damp(ed)" can be a drier
> alternative to "(un)dampen(ed)".


I think I'll change it to "not dampened."


>> "Oooh!" Shiratori Azusa stepped forward excitedly. "That ribbon is so
>> cute! Dominique! Dominique!"
>
> Where did she come from all of a sudden?
>
>> Tsubasa beamed an adoring smile at Kodachi. "If I get a vote, I say
>> she should come."
>
> And where did *he* come from? (At least he could've been hiding
> somewhere, but...)


Both of them were there from the beginning of the scene. I'll try to 
work in a mention of that.


>> Ranma bounded across the room to Shan Pu. Mu Si quietly slipped out of
>> the room, deciding that it would be a good time to relieve himself. He
>> remembered an old song he'd heard on the radio. *I don't want to spoil
>> the party, so I'll go.* Ha.
>
> I think you can cut out the second "room" to avoid a little repetition.


OK.


>> She had tried. She really had. But they refused to listen. All they
>> could do was blather on about Amazon law and tradition -- as if that
>> meant anything in the current situation. None of them understood.  On
>> the outside, they had weapons that could obliterate entire cities from
>> thousands of kilometers away. Next to that, the swords and crossbows
>> of the Amazons were as childs' toys. Even the much-vaunted Dragon's
>> Heaven Blast would be useless -- if anyone left even knew how to use
>> it.
>
> Perhaps "children's"?  Also "ensure" rather than "insure"?  I don't
> think Allstate or State Farm will be of much help here.
>
>
> Overall: if I may politely say this, I think the style of writing shows
> some age.  Most of the scene transitions are rather abrupt--not so much
> to crash to story, but close.  Dialogue is short and easily exchanged,
> and supporting details are tacked on in an on-demand fashion.  Since
> this is probably systemic to the piece, it may be too much to ask to
> even have you consider revising with these comments in mind, so...I will
> try to keep these comments back in the future except for particularly
> noticeable cases.


I have no compunctions at all about revising anything, so please feel 
free to point such things out. I will go over the chapter again with 
your thoughts in mind.


> Still, with all that said, don't let me give the impression that I think
> nothing of your writing.  Far from it.  Your narrative voice is firm and
> well-grounded, and it helps carry the piece despite these issues I've
> picked on.


Thanks!


>> Ti Pi repeated the mantra to herself as she trudged forward along the
>> dirt road. She didn't know whether anyone or anything would be
>> listening, but it couldn't hurt. If nothing else, maybe it would help
>> control her fear, though it wasn't doing that very well so far.
>
> Am I missing an obvious pun over Ti Pi's name?  Or is it...oh, it's just
> supposed to roll out of one's mind, isn't it.


Right. Hopefully the readers will find her story fully absorbing.


>> "As you wish, Ranma-sama." Kodachi laughed as her ribbon twirled
>> lazily.
>
> You avoided "Ryoga-kun", using "Ryoga" instead, but here you use
> "Ranma-sama"?


I try not to use any Japanese unless there isn't a good English 
equivalent. -sama adds something that doesn't really translate very 
well. Kyle Emmerson used to have Konatsu address Ranma as "Sir Ranma" 
but that always made me want to break into song: o/~ Brave Sir Ranma ran 
away... He bravely ran away, away o~/ (I didn't! Oooh, liar!)  -kun, for 
me, doesn't add anything beyond the same level of familiarity the 
characters get just by using given names.


>> She motioned with her head slightly. "I need use bathroom."
>
> Sorry, Mousse, she's not jumping you today.


MU: Well, crap.

SHAN: Yes, I like to. You get out of way, please?


>> Ukyo strolled into the train station. Her shoes padded noiselessly on
>> the tile floor as she slipped around clusters of people.  A cacophony
>> of conversations filled the air, along with the dull mechanical thumps
>> of ticket-dispensing machines. She wondered when they'd switched away
>> from human clerks.
>
> Her shoes "padded"?  That's an unusual word for that.


It's a soft-shoe shuffle? I could change it.


> In closing, I do hope you will be open to further remarks on the earlier
> chapters of Hearts and Minds.  It was quite a lot of fun to read some
> good quality Ranma fanfiction again.


I'm very, very open to such remarks and I appreciate the time it 
obviously took you to do this.

I would ask one thing: Following these comments you included a full copy 
of the original story at the bottom of your post. Please try to turn 
this off next time. Since the fic was already on the list, copying the 
entire thing just takes up bandwidth.

But that's a minor point, and I thank you very much for your great feedback.