[FFML] [Ranma/various] Avenging Act 4 The Hate Monger and the Peacemaker Chapter 4

[dbsommer]

Might as well C&C this one; I owe DB a few in particular.

% Many thanks. Not sure how many still remember this given the hiatus I had 
to take.

On 5/31/2013 3:01 PM, dbsommer wrote:
> Avenging
>
> Act IV
>
> The Hate Monger and the Peacemaker

So far this act is pretty hazy to me.  Partly this is because you're
using a lot of Marvel characters unfamiliar to me, but Act III used
anime I wasn't familiar with, and yet felt like a graspable arc all the
way through.  Not sure what to suggest, though.

% Years between chapters doesn't help my writing flow. It is a bit 
disjointed. The Hate Monger arc will be completed in the first half, and I 
decided it was time to reveal the identity of The Mistress who's been 
plaguing The Avengers since Chapter 2 of Act I. I suspect it would be a lot 
better if I wrote longer chapters more frequently. I'm finding it a bit 
difficult to write anything, so that doesn't help either.

% This Act is a bit bad in that I have multiple things going on at one time. 
Hate Monger and Mistress arc, plus a build up to the second half of the Arc 
with groundwork being laid in it. Last Act was a lot more straight forward 
and easier to follow.


>
>
> Nabiki envisioned Akane and Kasumi as costumed vigilantes, and found 
> herself enjoying the best laugh she had in years.

Ironic, yes.  But if Nabs can find one of the secrets in her house, why
is she completely unaware that there *are* two other secrets?
Does she suspect nothing at all?  Kasumi and Akane both have cash jobs
for Kuno Industries; since both are familiar with the arrangement, does
neither find it odd that the other has the same arrangement?

% Only Kasumi does. Akane still works for Tofu, which is why she can't 
always be there for meetings and such. Likewise Tofu is absent for the same 
reason.



> Dr. Tofu took another hit from the bottle he had stashed in his office. He 
> had actually grabbed a swig, maybe two, right before he had seen his last 
> patient, but it was close enough to the end of office hours he was fine. 
> But with all the frustrations in his life, he needed just a little 
> something to help out. And help out it did. Things actually became 
> clearer, and certainly easier, after a drink or two.

Echoing Hank Pym's eventual disablement...

% Yes. He's not dealing well with change.

>
> Shiro Yoshida took another drink. It didn't make anything better. Nothing 
> could wash away the bitter taste of humiliating defeat. Stripped of his 
> title. His country on a downward spiral of humiliation. His society 
> falling apart around him. Would the gods talk everything away from him? 
> They were doing a good job of it so far.

(SP) gods *take* everything away...

% Used the grammar corrections.


> And here she was, flying in a sailor fuku with orange and red flames 
> around it. His costume was a hundred times better. And the ultimate 
> travesty: she was daring to challenge him to the name of Sunfire. She was 
> barely worthy of wiping his bottom!

If memory serves, this is the second Senshi you've introduced now. The
first seemed to already serve Serenity, but Rei seems to have only had
the visions.

% Third. Living Lightning (Makoto) was introduced in the last arc (sort of, 
but not. That will make sense later). Ami is Doom's child. She did talk 
about her natural inclination to a monarchial system of government with her 
father, which was me indicating she has some sort of remembrance of a her 
former existence as an Eternal.

% I might have made mention that Mina is this world's Captain Britain 
already. If not, well, it's not a secret so it's not a big deal. Haruka 
should come as a surprise when she pops up. It will probably be another 
interlude story as I want to have fun with her, her father (one of my 
favorite Marvel characters), and sister.


>
>
>
> "We dyed Peanuts once. It's really not impressive," The Hate Monger walked 
> close enough to make eye contact.

I tried a quick google on this line, but found new clues to the H.M.'s
identity.

% Sharp man. it's not fair if I give no hints, and it makes sense given how 
previous events turned out.


>
> But recently Bain had become very excited. Some of her sources inside the 
> Japanese government had hinted that Councilwoman Arjuna was pushing for 
> some ort of robotics program to be initiated. Baintronics was a real force 
> in

(SP) "sort" of robotics program

Is this the anime Arjuna, from the titular series?

% Yes. I've focused on her a lot as a recurring character since she popped 
up. When last seen she was on TV criticizing the Avengers and with the 
problems Hate Monger is causing in her mind actions will have to be taken 
regarding the superhuman population. It'll help that she has a militarisitic 
government operation that just got freed up from its purpose lying around 
(hint hint).

> Aaron continued. "This is at best a holding action. I fear you are about 
> to become the next victim in the litany of deceased company owners unless 
> you initiate Plan DD."
>
>
>
> Once Bain had realized someone was almost certainly assassinating the 
> heads of companies,

Don't remember if you've given an alternate origin for this (apparent)
Super-Skrull, but assassinating corp chairpersons certainly doesn't seem
like something the canonical one would go in for.

% All will be revealed before too long, including who the above is. I've 
laid a number of clues out before that will definitely all make sense in 
hindsight.

>
>
> And then two rock covered arms stretched through the flames,

Right.  This world's Mister Fantastic, Makoto Mizuhara, doesn't stretch.

% I'm going to change it to he has the ability, but regards it as so 
embarrassing he almost never uses it. Sue can use both invisiblity and force 
fields, after all. No reason he can't have two powers as well.


> The being stepped out of the fire, bathed in it, but unharmed. The 
> Fantastic Four templates had been sufficient to remove the only true 
> threat to his mission. A pity the enemy robot had an AI, otherwise Mr. 
> Fantastic's ability to control mechanical devices would have been ideal.

A bit of an alt, I think:  Ifurita certainly has an AI, but Makoto's
power works on her (though not to control, just to affect.  Still,
Aaron's hard-wiring to obey Ms. Bain could have been shattered.

% She didn't wipe it out like she thought she had. Hence his emotions at the 
end.

% Also, while I will probably no longer use her, Ifurita in EH actually has 
an AU counterpart here. I already revealed that being in fact.


>   But destruction was more efficient than domination.  He had only to 
> eliminate Bain now, and his mistress would be ready to swoop in on yet 
> another company. The timing was nigh perfect.

This motive should make identifying the culprit rather obvious; one
would think half the world's intelligence agencies would know by now, if
the same company ends up in possession of the remains every time a corp
chair buys the farm.

% It's a case of suspecting yet having no proof. It also helps that they all 
disappear or die through a variety of causes. Still it would catch up with 
her sooner or later.


>   An upgrade to the company's robotic division would be useful as it 
> appeared there was a reasonable chance Councilwoman Arjuna's desire for 
> Project Wideawake would see fruition.

So Arjuna wants to build Sentinels.  Can't remember if that was apparent
before.

%  Or at least robots of some kind.

This chapter seems to share a bit of an issue with the previous chapters
in this arc:  too little action and time spent with familiar characters,
too much exposition and time spent with newly-introduced characters.  I
can appreciate that the latter is sometimes necessary, but it seems
unrewarding to slog through. Maybe it'll all seem clearer to me if I
reread the previous chapters, but it's less tempting to spend time doing
that then might be.

% True. This part is a little more plot driven and the team hasn't been used 
as a whole. That hinders thing. It'll be a bigger batch of Avengers next 
time as some old friends come back to play with them and at the guy in 
charge has been developed pretty good as well.

% I should add I'm going to be reusing some of the older characters as well, 
so only limited new ones should be popping up. And in some cases, like 
Orochimaru, Machine Man/Stack, they won't be sticking around long enough for 
people to be annoyed at having someone else to remember. Besides, some of 
the guys, like Mentallo and the Fixer I liked as they have good chemistry 
and don't fit the stereotype mold.

One thing occurs to me to suggest:  you tend to introduce villains,
immoral industrialist, religious fanatics, or other new characters
playing strictly to type.  You might try to better characterize each,
say by giving each one trait contrary to type.  You tried that with
Sunset, here, falling (sort of) for her robot, but it didn't work for me
the way, say, a really vivid childhood flashback might have.

% Most of them don't need a lot of backstory since they generally serve a 
very limited function. Shiro's now categorically insane and only his actions 
will be needed beyond this chapter. Bain was introduced briefly in chapter 
one, though it's obvious she will survive and probably pop up again, so 
developing her made more sense. I'm trying not to get the reader too 
emotionally wrapped up in one offs since there's so much other stuff to 
remember.


Anyway, short but a nice addition.  Thanks for writing and sharing.

% And thanks for the feedback. it's really appreciated.