[FFML] [Ranma/various] Avenging Act 4 The Hate Monger and the Peacemaker Chapter 4

[Bert Miller]

Might as well C&C this one; I owe DB a few in particular.

On 5/31/2013 3:01 PM, dbsommer wrote:
> Avenging
>
> Act IV
>
> The Hate Monger and the Peacemaker

So far this act is pretty hazy to me.  Partly this is because you're 
using a lot of Marvel characters unfamiliar to me, but Act III used 
anime I wasn't familiar with, and yet felt like a graspable arc all the 
way through.  Not sure what to suggest, though.


> Forward: What's gone on before. The Hate Monger drove a mutant singer crazy, who then tried to make everyone else crazy, before being stopped by both Thor and some other mutants. Someone was upset at making a mistake at a party Kodachi and Captain Japan (and the late Orochimaru) attended and is cleaning up her mess with her shapechanging, power duplicating minion and is whacking some of the partygoers and covering up her tracks. And oh yeah, Nabiki found out Ranma was Captain Japan.
>
>
> Nabiki envisioned Akane and Kasumi as costumed vigilantes, and found herself enjoying the best laugh she had in years.

Ironic, yes.  But if Nabs can find one of the secrets in her house, why 
is she completely unaware that there *are* two other secrets?
Does she suspect nothing at all?  Kasumi and Akane both have cash jobs 
for Kuno Industries; since both are familiar with the arrangement, does 
neither find it odd that the other has the same arrangement?

> Dr. Tofu took another hit from the bottle he had stashed in his office. He had actually grabbed a swig, maybe two, right before he had seen his last patient, but it was close enough to the end of office hours he was fine. But with all the frustrations in his life, he needed just a little something to help out. And help out it did. Things actually became clearer, and certainly easier, after a drink or two.

Echoing Hank Pym's eventual disablement...

>
> Shiro Yoshida took another drink. It didn't make anything better. Nothing could wash away the bitter taste of humiliating defeat. Stripped of his title. His country on a downward spiral of humiliation. His society falling apart around him. Would the gods talk everything away from him? They were doing a good job of it so far.

(SP) gods *take* everything away...

> And here she was, flying in a sailor fuku with orange and red flames around it. His costume was a hundred times better. And the ultimate travesty: she was daring to challenge him to the name of Sunfire. She was barely worthy of wiping his bottom!

If memory serves, this is the second Senshi you've introduced now. The 
first seemed to already serve Serenity, but Rei seems to have only had 
the visions.

> "Ah, I've found you at last."
>
>
>
> Shiro was on his back, slightly elevated on the pile of garbage he had been thoughtfully thrown upon, so his vision was upside down. Still, even in his saki soaked brain he could tell that the figure was a large man wearing a purple conical mask and matching tabard with an 'H' on it. "You look so much cooler than a pink elephant," Shiro slurred.
>
>
>
> "We dyed Peanuts once. It's really not impressive," The Hate Monger walked close enough to make eye contact.

I tried a quick google on this line, but found new clues to the H.M.'s 
identity.

> terrorist, their government could have a nice public trial and execute the mutant for daring to attack his betters on Genoshan soil. Let that be a warning to the likes of Magento and his kind.

(SP)  "Magneto"  (at least, I assume so...)

>
> Daredevil turned to her, horrified. "Are you insane? Did you see what he just did? He melted everything around him. "He'll fry us into ash like he just did to everyone else!"

I agree with Gary on this.  Daredevil did *not* see it, so either give 
us his process of deduction, or have him allude to what he did 
perceive:  smells, sounds, etc.  Or consider having Wasp announce the 
"what" and DD add details.

>
> Shiro couldn't believe it. Nothing could withstand his holy flames of retribution. This one had to die more than anyone, for no one could resist Shrio in his struggle for national redemption.

(SP) "Shiro" on second line.  There are an unusual number of typos in 
this episode.

>
> But recently Bain had become very excited. Some of her sources inside the Japanese government had hinted that Councilwoman Arjuna was pushing for some ort of robotics program to be initiated. Baintronics was a real force in

(SP) "sort" of robotics program

Is this the anime Arjuna, from the titular series?

> Aaron continued. "This is at best a holding action. I fear you are about to become the next victim in the litany of deceased company owners unless you initiate Plan DD."
>
>
>
> Once Bain had realized someone was almost certainly assassinating the heads of companies,

Don't remember if you've given an alternate origin for this (apparent) 
Super-Skrull, but assassinating corp chairpersons certainly doesn't seem 
like something the canonical one would go in for.

>
>
> And then two rock covered arms stretched through the flames,

Right.  This world's Mister Fantastic, Makoto Mizuhara, doesn't stretch.


> The being stepped out of the fire, bathed in it, but unharmed. The Fantastic Four templates had been sufficient to remove the only true threat to his mission. A pity the enemy robot had an AI, otherwise Mr. Fantastic's ability to control mechanical devices would have been ideal.

A bit of an alt, I think:  Ifurita certainly has an AI, but Makoto's 
power works on her (though not to control, just to affect.  Still, 
Aaron's hard-wiring to obey Ms. Bain could have been shattered.

>   But destruction was more efficient than domination.  He had only to eliminate Bain now, and his mistress would be ready to swoop in on yet another company. The timing was nigh perfect.

This motive should make identifying the culprit rather obvious; one 
would think half the world's intelligence agencies would know by now, if 
the same company ends up in possession of the remains every time a corp 
chair buys the farm.

>   An upgrade to the company's robotic division would be useful as it appeared there was a reasonable chance Councilwoman Arjuna's desire for Project Wideawake would see fruition.

So Arjuna wants to build Sentinels.  Can't remember if that was apparent 
before.

This chapter seems to share a bit of an issue with the previous chapters 
in this arc:  too little action and time spent with familiar characters, 
too much exposition and time spent with newly-introduced characters.  I 
can appreciate that the latter is sometimes necessary, but it seems 
unrewarding to slog through. Maybe it'll all seem clearer to me if I 
reread the previous chapters, but it's less tempting to spend time doing 
that then might be.

One thing occurs to me to suggest:  you tend to introduce villains, 
immoral industrialist, religious fanatics, or other new characters 
playing strictly to type.  You might try to better characterize each, 
say by giving each one trait contrary to type.  You tried that with 
Sunset, here, falling (sort of) for her robot, but it didn't work for me 
the way, say, a really vivid childhood flashback might have.

Anyway, short but a nice addition.  Thanks for writing and sharing.