[FFML] [Ranma/various] Avenging Act 4 The Hate Monger and the Peacemaker Chapter 4

[Gary Kleppe]

On 05/31/2013 02:01 PM, dbsommer wrote:

> Avenging
>
> Act IV
>
> The Hate Monger and the Peacemaker
>
> Chapter 4


I missed a bunch of previous installments but will try to muddle through 
as best I can.


> Nabiki Tendou had a problem. She knew Captain Japan's identity... and couldn't do anything with it.


NABIKI: I've washed my hair and I can't do a thing with it!

PRINCIPAL: I be helpin'!

Nabby's decision here makes sense. She's certainly capable of staying 
out of things and waiting for an opportunity, and that would be the 
sensible course given that supervillains tend to be more dangerous than 
the kinds of chuckleheads canon Ranma usually deals with.


> Ordinarily such information would be a source of revenue to make a gold mine look like a social
> security check, but the problem lay in *who* he was: her live-in, unwanted, might-be fiancé.


Capitalize Social Security. (Actually I bet it's called something 
different in Japan.)


> Damn that stupid machine Pym had sent him. It was responsible for the mess his life had become.
> Not so much what it had done to him directly as Kasumi, the love of Tofu's life. It had somehow
> addled her brain, making the ideal woman into some kind of hot violence machine. And she didn't
> even see anything wrong with it! Even now she was on monitor duty for the Avengers, which she
> volunteered for all the time, hoping for something to go wrong. Trouble wasn't something you
> sought out: it found you. Only fools and the mentally unbalanced went looking for trouble.


Which brings up a point: doesn't Soun or Nabby find it odd that Kasumi 
is out of the house so much?


> Tofu took another hit. He wasn't deliriously happy like he used to be when he was around Kasumi.
> Those were the days. He could barely remember them due to his mental state, but wasn't happiness
> bliss? Now it had all gone wrong. She was actually trying at times. Kasumi! It was inconceivable.
> And that word meant exactly what he thought it meant.


KASUMI: It means the two of us aren't capable of producing offspring.

TOFU: Not the meaning I was thinking of, actually.


> What that woman needed was someone, some man, to tell how things would be. That was the advice his
> mother gave,


Suggest: mother had given,

I'm assuming that Tofu is under the influence of the Hatemonger, though 
it's possible that he's not and this is just him. Given how little we 
saw of him in the original series, there's a lot of room to play with 
his character, and this is an alt anyway.

Incidentally, since you use Tendou rather than Tendo, shouldn't his name 
be Toufuu?


> Who said alcohol didn't make everything better?


TONY STARK: That would be me!


> Shiro Yoshida took another drink. It didn't make anything better.


TONY STARK: Oh yeah, him too.


> Nothing could wash away the bitter taste of humiliating defeat. Stripped of his title. His
> country on a downward spiral of humiliation. His society falling apart around him. Would the
> gods talk everything away from him? They were doing a good job of it so far.


gods take everything away
(I think you meant to write)


> Sunfire flew through the air, answering this ridiculous challenge by his cousin. True,
> somewhere along the line women, who were inherently stupid to begin with, had in recent
> years been denying the superior role of males. But Rei Hino was stupid even for a woman. Why
> did the god's curse her

gods
(no apostrophe)


> "It's true we are going through a time of strife, but it can be fought through," And then her
> voice took on a distant cast. "I have seen it in visions in my fire. A silver millennium ruling
> over all with a gentle hand of love. It happened before; it shall happen again. And I shall
> serve at the side of she who will usher us to an eternity of peace and prosperity once again,
> with love over all."


REI: And she will wear those hair dumplings, and absolutely nobody will 
think they look stupid... hey, stop laughing.


> And that was when he knew she was insane, and if he wasn't destined to win because of his
> superior gender, he would because she was out of her mind. And everyone knew the insane never won.


Obviously this guy has never followed American politics.

MICHELLE BACHMANN: It's true, the insane never win. The lord God told me 
that when I met Him for cocktails after the fourth time I got elected to 
Congress.


> "We dyed Peanuts once. It's really not impressive," The Hate Monger walked close enough to make eye


I don't get that line at all. If it's drunk babbling from Shiro it 
should be in the previous paragraph.

I do know that since you don't have an explicit dialog tag there needs 
to be a period (not a comma) after impressive.

LUCY VAN PELT: It's true. He colored my hair lime green. But since this 
is anime, nobody could tell.


> contact. Shiro's gaze met his suddenly he more aware. Those eyes were beyond anything human. Nothing


met his and suddenly he became more aware.
(or something like that; definitely missing words of some sort)


> "Yes, but Hulk's names are more descriptive and accurate. Stupid Shield Man is stupid man who
> uses shield. Pretty Hammer Girl is girl who has hammer and is pretty. See? System works. Hulk
> will continue to use it."


I know you're stretching things for the sake of humor, and it is 
amusing, but the Hulk engaging in this kind of verbal repartee is a bit 
hard to swallow. Why doesn't he just go "Bah!" and be done with it?


> The next one in the row was Genosha's. Shiro was saving the
 > greatest cancer for last. Once he burned
> the U.S. Embassy they would tremble and know Japan had become like
 > the much vaunted phoenix,


JEAN GREY: You mean they're now super telekinetic-telepaths powerful 
enough to destroy entire solar systems?


> Wasp and Daredevil got off the Hulk's back. They had decided it would be
> quicker to let the emerald goliath get them there in several leaps than
> dragging the quinjet out, prepping it for flight, boarding, landing,
> unloading, etc. It also meant clinging to the Hulk for dear life the
> entire way.


WASP: It also meant that we actually ended up in Sapporo, thanks to the 
Hulk's Hibiki direction sense.

HULK: Bah!


> Daredevil turned to her, horrified. "Are you insane? Did you see what he just did? He melted
> everything around him. "He'll fry us into ash like he just did to everyone else!"


WASP: Yes, I did see it. Did you?

DD: Er, well, no, not in the strictest technical sense....

There's a stray quote mark before He'll, by the way.


> The rest of the diatribe was cut off as the Hulk flicked his pinkies into the back of his teammates' heads. Daredevil had been right, so Hulk made certain the pair wouldn't be harmed.
>
>
>
> Actually, he had only needed to do that to Wasp, since she was the only one that had wanted to go.


Is this the Hulk's thoughts? Seems a bit too cognizant for him. Maybe 
he's becoming the Peter David Hulk. :)

In general, I think you could get some interesting narrative flavor by 
playing with the viewpoints of the characters. The Hulk would describe 
everything in the simplest possible terms and not really understand the 
implications of anything. The Wasp would see people the size of giants. 
And of course, DD wouldn't see at all, and would describe scenes in 
terms of sounds, smells, and radar images.

DAREDEVIL: Hey, there's Gary Burghoff!


> And the burned mess that was the Hulk collapsed to the ground, his body undergoing
> a metamorphosis into that of Ryouga Hibiki.


Canon Ryoga could probably hold his own against a super-villain, though 
this one hasn't had his special training.

RYOGA: I am working on the Shishi Hulkoden, though.


> Ryouga was wrapped in a towel, inexplicably suffering from the worst case of sunburn
> ever. Well, the others had told him why that was. Wasp had gone for
some Bactine they
> had in the mansion's infirmary, still sullen over not being able to
kick super-villain
> butt, but acknowledging spreading your ashes over someone was not the
best way to
> defeat them.


spreading your ashes over someone was not the best way to defeat him.

(or)

spreading your ashes over people was not the best way to defeat them.


> Ryouga mind unwillingly envisioned that. His nose bled quit profusely


Ryouga's mind


> Sunset Bain, known to the world as a leading industrialist,


HIROSHI: And founder of Bain Capital...

DAISUKE: Don't laugh. She was the one who broke Batman's back.


> also had a lesser
> known guise: that of the arms dealer known as Madame Menace. Anything
for the
> right price was her motto, and it had served her well over the years,
as well
> as fattened her coffers. In many ways she found that part of the
business the
> enjoyable one, rather than her more numerous, legitimate enterprises.
It as
> exciting.


It was exciting.
(typo)


> But recently Bain had become very excited. Some of her sources inside the
> Japanese government had hinted that Councilwoman Arjuna was pushing
for some
> ort of robotics program to be initiated. Baintronics was a real force
in that


some sort of
(typo)


> Bain turned to the robot formerly known as X-51, and briefly as 'Machine Man',
> who she had renamed Aaron Stack He stood next to her as she admired
his form.

whom she had renamed


> The being stepped out of the fire, bathed in it, but unharmed. The Fantastic Four
> templates had been sufficient to remove the only true threat to his
mission. A pity
> the enemy robot had an AI, otherwise Mr. Fantastic's ability to
control mechanical
> devices would have been ideal.


I thought he just stretched. Guess I haven't read that comic in a while.



> End chapter. Well, finally felt like writing something. We'll see how long it keeps


An enjoyable read. My only concern with the story is that you're 
bringing in a lot of complications with the items from X-Men. Hopefully 
you'll be able to keep it manageable.

Anyway, good luck and I hope you can keep writing.