[FFML] [Ranma][Revised] Hearts and Minds, Part 5 of 10

[Michael Clark]

> That's odd. I checked both the FFML archive copy of the post
> (http://www.chez-vrolet.net/pipermail/ffml/2013-July/004115.html) as
> well as the copy I got back from the list and both were complete. So
> it must've been something on your end, maybe a one-time glitch or
> maybe your mail provider has a limit on the length of message it'll
> store. I'll make a note to send out the final chapter as two posts
> just in case it's the latter.

It seems to be all right when I access the message through IMAP, so
that's probably what I'll do from now on.  Just a problem with Gmail's
web interface, I guess.


> >Given that this cut off at a sentence ending, I had no reason to believe
> >it was anything other than the actual ending of the chapter.  So,
> >imagine my confusion when I start reading and Kodachi's already dead.
> >Well, I expect you must've found some of my remarks confusing
> >previously.  Having read that *now*, I can say that I'm a little
> >disappointed that Kodachi never had the chance to be developed, but it
> >makes your lack of focus on her personally a little easier to bear.
> 
> 
> I don't want to give out spoilers here, so can't really comment on
> Kodachi's development except to say stay tuned for future chapters.

In other words, nobody stays dead in science fic--I mean, urban fantasy?
:P

> >In other words, you built up the Mongol General to be a great and
> >determined figure, only to reveal *in passing* that it's Herb.  Very
> >anticlimactic.
> 
> 
> Is it the fact of the General being Herb that you have a problem
> with, or just the way it was revealed? I don't know that there's
> anyone else in the Ranmaverse he could've been who would've been a
> bigger threat except maybe Saffron, and you pretty much knew it
> wasn't him from Kima's involvement in the battle. For thematic
> reasons it needed to be an amoral/selfish type of opponent, not a
> true evil/malevolent villain in the mold of Sauron/Voldemort/etc.
> 
> As for the revelation, I could have shown Lan telling Ranma at the
> end of Ch. 4, but I'm not sure that would've had any more impact.

The way it was revealed.  Herb is a logical choice to be sure (I
actually didn't expect the General to be anyone we already knew, but it
was a welcome and sensible choice).

I could imagine Lan finding out about Kodachi being killed and muttering
to herself, "General Herb has gone too far this time," or something
similar, but that doesn't quite do it for me.  I'm trying to put myself
in Ranma's position.  Having the enemy turn out to be Herb has to change
his whole approach to this war quite substantially.  I feel like
Kodachi's death plus this revelation should make the matter a lot more
personal (though it may already have been personal for him).  Ranma has
spoken before about how he's hesitant to judge his enemies too harshly,
fearing that in doing so he would judge himself.  Well, he knows Herb.
He knows how ruthless and powerful Herb can be.  Something that strikes
me as reasonable would be if Ranma istinctively began to look past those
arguments he made, rejecting the idea that he could identify with Herb
or Herb's subordinates in a meaningful way.

(Of course, you may have already pursued this in future chapters.  That
last bit of extrapolation is in no way a criticism of what I have
personally read.)

> >It could be that I'm merely projecting my own concerns onto your story,
> >granted.  I am somewhat wary in general of making a story run too much
> >on wheels within wheels.  Still, what can be done about all this?  To
> >me, this is problematic in part because of your freedom of movement
> >between points of view.  You are very fluid, and I like and admire the
> >style, but it also means that a writer can be loose with the logical
> >progression of characters' knowledge and understanding of a situation.
> >For instance, you could make it clear that Biaozi has a mole in place by
> >the characters in the party discovering evidence of it--perhaps the
> >tagged object that she left with them.  This would put the emphasis on
> >the revelation, on the reactions of the party members and the actions
> >they take in response, rather than the mere fact itself.  Alternatively,
> >a good time to talk about this mole would be right after Kodachi is
> >killed, to emphasize that there still must be a sympathizer in the
> >Amazons' ranks.
> 
> As Biaozi's thoughts in this chapter explained, the as yet unknown
> person actually ditched the tagged object, but she'd arranged it so
> that its aura stayed with him/her. So there wouldn't be one to find,
> and even if there were, our heroes would have no idea what the thing
> was for, nor would they know that it had been accepted willingly
> rather than just being planted. The readers at this point need to be
> sure that someone in the group did collaborate with Biaozi (albeit
> with a failed attempt at double-crossing her) and I don't really see
> any way to do that other than to show the scene.

Right, I followed what the mole (who nevertheless is tried to betray
Biaozi) did.  You say we need to know not only that there is a mole but
that this mole is not fully cooperative with Biaozi.  I guess that is,
essentially, what I was questioning--whether it might be better for the
audience to know less and follow as the characters try to figure it out.
For instance, contrast with the matter of Ranma no longer being cursed
at all.  This comes as a surprise to him, and it's something I imagine
he'll try to figure out and understand over time.  Readers can follow
that and maybe get a couple steps ahead of Ranma as he tries to figure
it out, but if not, they can just read what he discovers.
> 
> In general, I agree that narrative cohesion is a very desirable
> thing, but sometimes it has to be traded off in order to show more
> of the story to the reader. If I stuck with our heroes' viewpoints
> for the whole story, the reader would end up not really
> understanding Ha's or Biaozi's motivations and not really knowing
> who the three paranormal agents are; I think this would leave the
> readers a lot more nonplussed than they are as things stand.
> 
Sure, there is a definite matter of degrees here.  In general, I like
your depictions of the "enemy," of minor characters in Herb's forces and
of the machinations of Biaozi.  Still, I think there were some
opportunities to show the existence of the mole (and, perhaps, that
mole's attempt to double-cross Biaozi) before Biaozi just tells us that
that person exists and has tried to betray her.  It doesn't necessarily
have to come from a restricted perspective (though I definitely think it
would help in terms of establishing the mole's existence).

> Thanks very much for sharing your thoughts on all of this. Whether
> or not we end up agreeing, it's very helpful for me to understand
> how you're experiencing this story.

In hindsight, I think I'm spending too much time trying to predict what
will happen (which has a place for a story that is still being written)
when you've already got everything up to a point written out, and I
should probably focus on evaluating things as they are, or that I should
trust a little more that things that bug me at one moment may imminently
be resolved.  So while I try to figure out a good balance there, I
appreciate your patience with what I've been able to give back to you
thus far.