[FFML] [Ranma][Revised] Hearts and Minds, Part 5 of 10

[Michael Clark]

So, funny story.  It seems when you sent out part four, the text was not
fully transmitted (at least to me).  In particular, the text cut off
at...

> "The second question I can't answer," Lan said, smiling wryly.

Given that this cut off at a sentence ending, I had no reason to believe
it was anything other than the actual ending of the chapter.  So,
imagine my confusion when I start reading and Kodachi's already dead.
Well, I expect you must've found some of my remarks confusing
previously.  Having read that *now*, I can say that I'm a little
disappointed that Kodachi never had the chance to be developed, but it
makes your lack of focus on her personally a little easier to bear.

Anyway, let's get to it then.

(Plot and Structure)

While some of my feelings in reading this chapter were under the very
confused position of not having the scene where Kodachi died, I think
some of those feelings and analyses are still relevant.  That the Mongol
General is Herb is, honestly, thrown into the end of the first scene a
bit suddenly, and as a result, it had very little impact for me.  Ranma
knows it, and we don't, so instead of feeling Ranma's surprise and
anger, we're left to manufacture something for ourselves.  To me, this
is quite ineffective.  I want to feel what Ranma is feeling here; I
can't do that because he knows so much more about the situation than I
do, just as a matter of the plot skipping over things.  It's like irony
in reverse, and to me, it's rather unsatisfying.

There are other issues in this chapter that strike me as symptomatic of
this approach.  For instance, the secret mole that works for Biaozi, or
at least worked long enough to let Biaozi track the party; or the dream
sequence that Ranma goes through, meant to misdirect the audience and
Ranma into thinking it must be about Akane.  These are puzzles that are
meant to engage the reader, but in the latter case, I do wonder if the
solution is one that a reader reasonably could've arrived at.  Further,
it demands serious questions about how it can be that Ranma is totally
cured.  And to be honest, I'm not sure I find the answer, or the puzzle
it's meant to address, very interesting.  It all just seems very
randomly put together, without greater rhyme or reason.

In other words, you built up the Mongol General to be a great and
determined figure, only to reveal *in passing* that it's Herb.  Very
anticlimactic.  The bit with Shampoo getting doused could've been set up
by Biaozi's mole, I guess, but again, very random, with no clear purpose
or aim.  You have built a good deal of this story around making things
sufficiently complicated that the reader cannot see the bigger picture
of how things fit together.  Perhaps that appeals to some people, but it
just leaves me bewildered.  Like with the revelation of Herb, I'm quite
concerned that the conclusion, the parts meant to answer all these
questions, will not be emotionally satisfying.  They will simply *be*.

It could be that I'm merely projecting my own concerns onto your story,
granted.  I am somewhat wary in general of making a story run too much
on wheels within wheels.  Still, what can be done about all this?  To
me, this is problematic in part because of your freedom of movement
between points of view.  You are very fluid, and I like and admire the
style, but it also means that a writer can be loose with the logical
progression of characters' knowledge and understanding of a situation.
For instance, you could make it clear that Biaozi has a mole in place by
the characters in the party discovering evidence of it--perhaps the
tagged object that she left with them.  This would put the emphasis on
the revelation, on the reactions of the party members and the actions
they take in response, rather than the mere fact itself.  Alternatively,
a good time to talk about this mole would be right after Kodachi is
killed, to emphasize that there still must be a sympathizer in the
Amazons' ranks.

(Characterization and Development)

Why is it running away when Shampoo steps out after her talk with Kuno?
To be honest, I'm unclear if she's stepping out because she perceives
the possibility he's in love with her and isn't yet ready to reciprocate
or what.

> "They want to nominate me for--" Shan Pu's hands balled into tight
> fists. How could the sisters think that she would want such a thing?
> Or were they so desperate to follow someone that they didn't even care
> how she felt?

She thinks they are indifferent to her feelings?  This seems like a
strange reaction.  She has no reason, in my mind, to think so.


I like Ranma's story about group behavior and shame and how that's
formed his opinion on killing.  It gives a reason to his hesitance that
is well thought out and sensible.  Similarly, I like Shampoo's moment of
reflection on baiting the Mongols into fighting her and dying by her own
hands.  It forces her to examine her state of mind.

(Misc)

> The sculptors smiled at him embarrassedly, then pointed down at a
> metal placard that lay against their toolbox. It was engraved with
> kanji, something about a great warrior defeating invading soldiers.

Would they be called kanji even though this is Chinese?


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