[FFML] Mobile Suit Gundam Storm, chapter 13

[Andrew Dynon]

> The US Army and USAF might design competing designs, but they only 
> field the winner of the competition.>>
>
> In real life, yes.  In Gundam?  Every major character has to have 
> their own unique mecha.

<< Not always true. If you are going for the more super-robots feel, then
yes. But here on the 'military mecha' end of things, you can have a whole
squad composed of GMs and not a single unique one at all. MS 08th Team is
all about a bunch of regular soldiers and works perfectly fine with grunt
suits. And here you seem to be trying for a harder science fiction feeling
with the genetic superiorists manipulating things to take over. >>

Yeah, but I'm not really going for "gritty ultra-realistic" here, more for
the style of Seed or 00.

> <<This... really came out of left field. I think you need to lay some 
> 'Chekov Guns' back in some of the previous scenes that show Ares being 
> confused or upset at her 'humanity infection' to her psyche. Without 
> the proper build up, I went from 'totally into the mindset of 
> super-soldier neo-coordinator' to 'why are you so human, dammit!'
>
> A very whiplash feeling.>>
>
> Well, I did try and hint at that in the previous chapter, but I was 
> worried I hadn't done a good enough job of developing that thread.

It's been a while, so I can't 'remember it specifically. I'll be quite
truthful, with it being so much 'talking heads' I could have missed her
worry.


> << I would definitely show this, not just tell it.>>
>
> Okay.  Care to elaborate?

>>>>                 I remained unconvinced, and I think she could tell, 
>>>> because she sighed in disappointment.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>                 "Athene, please try and understand that this is 
>>>> what is best for you and all your siblings.  Ares, may I speak with you
in private?"

               <<  I remained unconvinced. Unconsciously curling my back
ever so little and with my too-flat expression, she picked up on it
immediately.

                 Sighing like I was an errant young child, she tried to
explain. "Athene, please try and understand that this is what is for you and
all of your siblings." She then turned her gaze towards the male clone.
"Ares, may I speak with you in private afterwards?" >>

Yeah, that's better than my writing.  In real life, I'm pretty hopeless at
things like body language and tone of voice, so I guess it's not surprising
that I'm not good at writing it, either.

> << She knows about brainwashing and its effectiveness, but not about a 
> basic fact like different races come from different locals. This seems 
> strangely complicated for what she knows and doesn't. >>
>
> As shown in previous chapters, she became aware of brainwashing during 
> her conflict with Pallas, and went to Spearhead knowing there was a 
> risk she could be subjected to it.

<< Aware of the possibilities. I sorta (in a vague way) remember it being
alluded to, but I think it was also mentioned that maybe Lunapact doing it?
>>

I'd need to go back and check, to be honest, but I think I remembered
putting in some dialogue where they came to the conclusion that it was
someone acting behind the scenes rather than one of the two powers.

> Yeah, a lot of this was set-up.  Hopefully next chapter will have more 
> things happening.

<< Even just a slight reaction and _what_ they are doing during the
two-heads talking makes the scene much more immersive.

Arthur Hansen >>

I'll try, although I can't promise I'll be good at it.