[FFML] Mobile Suit Gundam Storm, chapter 13

[Andrew Dynon]

Thanks for the C&C!

<< Something about this scene bugs me. It almost seems... gratuitous and
unprofessional. It also seems very, very odd that Ares is the only one on
the base. Military bases (even with robotic automation) just don't run
themselves.>>

Yeah, looking back on it, it bugs me too.  It's not a big base, but there
are meant to be more people around, and I should have worked in a way to
mention it (even if they're not important).


<< This is such a normal desire and 'childish' want that seems to contrast
heavily with the backstory that your neo-coordinators not being socially
adjusted.

It could just be me, but usually those people that are not very adjusted
usually don't know what they want.>>

They've been fed a lot of propaganda to try and direct their desires, but on
the other hand, they've also had the opportunity to bond with one another,
and that will also influence what they want.


<< This is just one of my pet peeves, but unless you have some really
specific reasons here to have two mobile armors that are going to fit the
same combat role and don't have a fairly reasonable reasoning for using two
in competition of each other, most militaries would have standardized on one
variation.

The US Army and USAF might design competing designs, but they only field the
winner of the competition.>>

In real life, yes.  In Gundam?  Every major character has to have their own
unique mecha.



<<This... really came out of left field. I think you need to lay some
'Chekov Guns' back in some of the previous scenes that show Ares being
confused or upset at her 'humanity infection' to her psyche. Without the
proper build up, I went from 'totally into the mindset of super-soldier
neo-coordinator' to 'why are you so human, dammit!'

A very whiplash feeling.>>

Well, I did try and hint at that in the previous chapter, but I was worried
I hadn't done a good enough job of developing that thread.


> *****
>
> Gallipolli


<< Is that the ship? I'd suggest at least stating that it's the spaceship, a
rough date and a general location. Example:

"Battlecruiser Gallipolli on training maneuvers in outer Earth orbit: Day
XXX.">>

Yes, I'll keep that in mind.


<< A good set up scene, still a little 'talking heads' though.>>

Yeah, I was trying to try and give the other characters some time in the
spotlight.


<< See, here I get a sense of location and a bit of the social dysfunction
that I expect, though I wonder why they didn't teach a basic thing like race
during training. Knowing some things about your 'enemies' can make a
difference in how to react.>> 

I had assumed that by the time of the story, race (at least in the
modern-day sense) would be a non-issue.  There are people of all ethnicities
and colors on both sides.  (As an aside, to supersoldiers, sex is also a
non-issue.  Ares isn't going to go any easier on a female opponent.  Note
how they always refer to one another as their "sibling", never "brother" or
"sister", and Hippolyta calls Athene "sir", not "ma'am".)


<< Yeah, this won't turn out well at all. >>

How could you tell?

<< I would definitely show this, not just tell it.>>

Okay.  Care to elaborate?


> *****
>
>
>
>                 "I'm sure you've noticed the. difficulties Athene has 
> been having since she returned to you." Gabriella said, pointedly.
>
>
>
>                 "She's not like I remember her."  Ares replied.  "She 
> changed, during the time she was away from me."
>
>
>                 "Yes.  Unfortunately, her experiences serving in the 
> Commonwealth forces have done that to her.  They have caused her to 
> develop in undesirable ways, and they also show signs of affecting her 
> commitment - not only to Forge, but to her siblings, and to you."
>
>
>
>                 "Athene would never betray us!" Ares protested.
>
>
>
>                 "That was Athene as you knew her.  I've been 
> monitoring her, and as you said, she's changed now.  Fortunately, she can
be reprogrammed.
> The errors that have accumulated can be corrected."
>
>
>
>                 Ares looked sceptical.
>
>
>
>                 "I don't know if that's."

"I don't know if that's-" he started to say before he was interrupted.


<< She knows about brainwashing and its effectiveness, but not about a basic
fact like different races come from different locals. This seems strangely
complicated for what she knows and doesn't. >>

As shown in previous chapters, she became aware of brainwashing during her
conflict with Pallas, and went to Spearhead knowing there was a risk she
could be subjected to it.


<< I'm not sure why she would be reluctant to be 're-localized' via
brainwashing. If its something they did regularly in training, she wouldn't
think much of it. If it was only used on 'broken'
super-soldiers, she would have more of a reluctance, though possibly worried
that she really was broken.>>

It wasn't regular at all - it only happened once each to Athene and Pallas,
and neither of them realised it until well after the fact.

<< I do think you need to take a pass and go back for 'show' not tell.
>From what I could tell, this was 90% talking heads and a bit of telling and
location queues. 

(For my new book about Sheila, for instance, has her saying like six words
to herself out of a 789 word scene.) >>

Yeah, a lot of this was set-up.  Hopefully next chapter will have more
things happening.