[FFML] Mobile Suit Gundam Storm, chapter 13

[Arthur Hansen]

On Mon, Feb 11, 2013 at 2:29 AM, Andrew Dynon <adynon at internode.on.net> wrote:
>
> Athene
>
>                 As a supersoldier, I felt a thrill in any kind of combat,
> but the one I found the most exhilarating was the most basic - and the most
> complex at the same time.  As I sparred with Ares, we were not in mobile
> suits, or any other kind of vehicle.  We used no guns, nor blades, nor blunt
> objects, and we wore nothing to protect ourselves.  And both of us knew we
> needed none of those things.  We knew hundreds of kinds of punches, kicks,
> grapples and throws, from dozens of fighting styles, and the ways to counter
> any of them should an opponent attempt them against us.  Hand-to-hand combat
> was the ultimate proof of what we were.
>
>
>
>                 "Being a supersoldier means that, in your entire life, you
> will only ever use one weapon." I remembered the instructor telling us.
> "And that weapon is YOURSELF.  Ordinary humans think of a combat knife, or a
> rifle, or a mobile suit, as a weapon.  That is not true for you.  For you,
> those things are simply tools."
>
>
>
>                 The exhilaration of bare-knuckle sparring with Ares made it
> easy for me to forget about my argument with him beforehand.  I became
> absorbed in the moves, the counter-moves, and counters to those counters.  I
> would throw a punch, he would block it and grab my arm, I would reverse the
> hold and throw him to the floor, he would roll through and sweep his leg out
> to try and take be to the ground, and so forth.  The experience was
> immensely satisfying, especially considering I never got to have a decent
> hand-to-hand session during my time on the Gallipolli - I always wiped the
> floor with McDermott and Yamada, even when they double-teamed me, and our
> HTH sessions ended up mostly being me teaching them.  Against Ares, I could
> freely throw strikes that would be potential killing blows against either of
> them.  I even felt a thrill when he landed a solid blow on me - the
> excitement of having an opponent that could compete with me.  In fact,
> overall he seemed to get the better of me, landing more blows than I did.
>
>
>
>                 We must have sparred nonstop for close to sixty minutes
> before we decided to take a break.  Ares looked at me, smiling.
>
>
>
>                 "You enjoyed that as much as I remember, didn't you?"
>
>
>
>                 "Yeah, I'd say so."
>
>
>
>                 "Good. that means the Athene I know is still in you.  And
> now, I have something to show you."


Something about this scene bugs me. It almost seems... gratuitous and
unprofessional. It also seems very, very odd that Ares is the only one
on the base. Military bases (even with robotic automation) just don't
run themselves.

> *****
>
> MOBILE SUIT GUNDAM STORM
>
>
>
> A Fanfic by Andrew Dynon
>
> Based on Mobile Suit Gundam by Yoshiyuki Tomino and Hajime Yadate
>
>
>
> Chapter 13: Fleeting and Everlasting Sorrow
>
> *****
>
>
>
>                After our sparring session, Ares headed to the simulation
> cockpits in the next room, and booted one of them up.
>
>
>
>                 "Touch your palm to the control panel, and use your voice
> print to identify yourself." He instructed, and I did so.  "Athene, you can
> think of this as your reward for your service thus far.  Open the file named
> 'Storm Cell'."
>
>
>
>                 I opened the file, and saw a graphic of a machine, jet-black
> apart from a few jagged silver lones.  It was the shape of an arrowhead,
> accented along the edges with vernier rockets.  Wings could be deployed for
> use in an atmosphere, or folded flat against the surface to present a
> smaller profile in space.  Heavy beam cannons sat on every surface, allowing
> a full arc of fire.  According to the spec readout, the mobile armour was
> fifty metres long and thirty wide.
>
>
>
>                 "It looks like a magnificent machine." I said, and I meant
> it.  The Storm Cell had too much firepower and armour for any mobile suit to
> handle, yet could easily outmanuver and bring down a capital ship.
>
>
>
>                 "I remember back during training, you always told me how you
> dreamed of piloting a mobile armour."  Ares said.  "And you also dreamed of
> fighting alongside me.  Now, both of those dreams can come true."


This is such a normal desire and 'childish' want that seems to
contrast heavily with the backstory that your neo-coordinators not
being socially adjusted.

It could just be me, but usually those people that are not very
adjusted usually don't know what they want.

>
>                 Such power in my hands.  And with my skills as the pilot, it
> was difficult to conceive of anything other than another supersoldier with a
> similarly powerful machine defeating it.  Together with Ares and the rest of
> my siblings, I would be unstoppable.
>
>
>
>                 So, what if I needed to be stopped?
>
>
>
>                 "There's more."  Ares said.  He touched the lower front
> section on the Storm Cell, and a panel opened up, revealing cylinder-shaped
> devices that danced around the MA in complex patterns, their surfaces
> glowing with green energy.
>
>
>
>                 "MUBs, Multi-Use Bits." Ares told me.  "They can be
> commanded mentally, and used as shields, blades, or ranged weapons.  And one
> more thing."  He tapped an icon on the screen, and the picture went to a
> wire-frame view, rendering the Mobile Armor's internals visible, and I saw,
> within the Storm Cell's protective shell, the outline of a mobile suit - one
> reminiscent of the Gundam I had piloted, but sleeker, more angular.
>
>
>
>                 Of course, it seemed unlikely that I would receive all this
> while Ares' abilities went unutilised.
>
>
>
>                 "You're getting a Mobile Armor, too, right?" I asked him
> "What's yours like."
>
>
>
>                 "Mine is called the Draco.  I'll show you when the time
> comes." He replied.  "It and the Storm Cell should be delivered soon.  While
> you're waiting, the Storm Cell's data's loaded in the simulator, so you can
> familiarise yourself with it.  That way, you'll be able to bring out its
> full potential when you take it into combat."


This is just one of my pet peeves, but unless you have some really
specific reasons here to have two mobile armors that are going to fit
the same combat role and don't have a fairly reasonable reasoning for
using two in competition of each other, most militaries would have
standardized on one variation.

The US Army and USAF might design competing designs, but they only
field the winner of the competition.

>
>
>
> *****
>
>
>
> Gallipolli
>
>
>
> "Bridge, this is McDermott, we're returning from our patrol and coming in
> for landing now."
>
>
>
> "Copy that, Lieutenant, you are cleared for landing."
>
>
>
>                 As the Wildfire and Thunder Gundams made their landing,
> Shane Yamada sighed and turned to his commander.

This needs to be a full paragraph of description. Too much telling
again, not enough showing.

>                 "So, this would be the 'boredom' part of 'boredom punctuated
> by moments of terror' that people say war is," Shane Yamada commented.
>
>
>
>                 "Pretty much, Yamada." McDermott told him.  "But we still
> have to stay alert in case those moments of terror come."
>
>
>
>                 "Yeah, I almost miss those.  We get these shiny upgraded
> Gundams, and now it's all quiet on the Earth Orbit front."
>
>
>
>                 "By now, Shane, I would hope you've seen enough to
> appreciate the quiet when it does come."
>
>
>
>                 "The problem is, sir, that this holding pattern both sides
> seem to be in doesn't make it seem like the war's ending."  Shane said.  "I
> can't see this war just. fizzling out like that.  It's like things are
> building up for something really big to happen, some kind of game-changer."
>
>
>
>                 McDermott slapped him on the shoulder.  "Well, I've seen
> that you've got good instincts, and since I don't have anything better to go
> on for the moment, I'm going to trust you on that one."
>
>
>
>                 "In that case, sir, care for double-or-nothing?"  Shane said
> as he reached the door to his quarters.
>
>
>
>                 "What did you have in mind?"
>
>
>
>                 The door slid open, and Shane's gaze lingered on the bunk
> opposite his, which had been empty for over a week now, spick and span with
> no indication left that it had ever been occupied.
>

Think that is just "spic and span" actually.


>
>
>
>                 "Whatever's about to happen, I bet I know who's gonna be
> smack-bang in the middle of the thing."
>
>
>
> *****
>
>
>
> Spearhead
>
>
>
>                 Ares approached me as we stepped out of the simulator pods.
>
>
>
>                 "Athene, what was up with the way you were fighting?"
>
>
>
>                 "The point of simulator sessions is to familiarise ourselves
> with our machines, and use them to their full potential, is it not?  Since I
> am now thoroughly familiar with how the Storm Cell operates, I was simply
> experimenting with a different way it could be used."
>
>
>
>                 "By which you mean you were deliberately avoiding killing
> blows on your opponents." He accused.
>
>
>
>                 "Yes.  I was practicing landing shutdown hits."  Much as
> there were ways of knocking a person unconscious without killing them,
> hitting a mobile suit in the right location could render it inoperative
> without blowing it up or killing the pilot.  It required great precision,
> and more than a little knowledge of mobile suit anatomy, and so even for a
> supersoldier like myself, it was something to be done lightly. But then, I
> had learned, neither was killing.
>
>
>
>                 "You are giving such things far too much priority."  Ares
> said.  "We are unlikely to be required to take the enemy alive or capture
> one of their MS intact often."
>
>
>
>                 "Think of it as me challenging myself."  I said.  In the
> Gale Gundam, I had found it easy to kill most enemies.  The Storm Cell would
> make it child's play.  The only thing capable of controlling the devastation
> it could unleash would be myself.
>
>
>
>                 "Athene, what is wrong with you?" Ares snapped at me in
> frustration.  "You've been letting the humans you served with mess around
> with your head!  The Athene I remember wouldn't have concerned herself with
> the enemy's fate!"
>
>
>
>                 "Have you ever thought that I might not be the Athene you
> remember any more?" I retorted.
>
>
>
>                 "We're supersoldiers! There's no need for you to be anything
> else!"  With that, he stormed out.


This... really came out of left field. I think you need to lay some
'Chekov Guns' back in some of the previous scenes that show Ares being
confused or upset at her 'humanity infection' to her psyche. Without
the proper build up, I went from 'totally into the mindset of
super-soldier neo-coordinator' to 'why are you so human, dammit!'

A very whiplash feeling.


>
>
>
>
> *****
>
> Gallipolli


Is that the ship? I'd suggest at least stating that it's the
spaceship, a rough date and a general location. Example:

"Battlecruiser Gallipolli on training maneuvers in outer Earth orbit: Day XXX."

>
>
>
>                 "Shane, shouldn't you be eating that hamburger, rather than
> just mutilating it with your fork?" Khadija asked.  Portions of even meat
> substitute like the patty in front of Shane were small on board, and given
> the dangers Shane faced as a test pilot, she saw no point in allowing him to
> add to the risk by being undernourished.
>
>
>
>                 "Yes, mum."  Shane said, listlessly, and shovelled a forkful
> into his mouth.
>
>
>
>                 "Well, if you're not going to take care of yourself, then
> maybe I do need to act like your mother." Khadija replied, then her
> expression softened, and she pulled her chair closer to his.  "It's awful,
> isn't it?  Not knowing what's happening to someone you care about."
>
>
>
>                 "Yeah, but what I don't get is. it's been over a week since
> she left.  Why am I suddenly feeling it now?"
>
>
>
>                 "Sometimes, these things take a while to hit us.  It's not
> until after the fact that we realise we miss something, or some place, or
> someone.  Even if you love that person, Shane."
>
>
>
>                 Shane almost spat out the hamburger he had been eating.
> "Love?  Hang on, that's not."
>
>
>
>                 Khadija gave him a look.
>
>
>
>                 "Okay, maybe I sort of do like her.  But it's not like we
> were ever going to be in a relationship or anything!  You know as well as I
> do that she's completely asexual!"
>
>
>
>                 "So?  Regardless of what all the teen drama vids say, love
> doesn't have to be about sex!  I may not agree with everything the
> conservative Imams say, but I think there are good reasons not to have sex
> until marriage.  You should get to know someone, and make sure you really do
> love them, before you get into that stuff!  If you have love, you can enjoy
> that kind of intimacy, but it's not something that's necessary for there to
> be love between you."
>
>
>
>                 "Okay, okay, you don't need to get on your soapbox about
> it."  Shane said.  "But you have a point.  If we ever get a chance to be
> together again."

A good set up scene, still a little 'talking heads' though.

> *****
>
> Spearhead
>
>
>
> I'd barely had time to compose myself after my argument with Ares when there
> was a flurry of activity around the base.  I asked one of the technicians
> what was going on, and she told me that another transport vessel was
> docking, before rushing off elsewhere - I suspected as much to get away from
> me as to perform her duties.  Out of curiosity, I headed to the hangar area,
> and saw the shuttle dock with an ease that would take a great amount of
> skill on the part of the pilot of  such a large vessel.  After a few minutes
> for the post-flight check, the cockpit door opened, and the pilot
> disembarked, pushing off from the doorframe to zero-g float straight in my
> direction.
>
>
>
> The pilot could almost be described as a version of myself, only four years
> younger - shaven-headed, muscular despite her smaller frame, and serious.
> The only differences were my dark skin and her facial features, which were a
> more pronounced version of Shane's.  During my time on the Gallipolli, I had
> heard such features described as "Asian", although I did not know precisely
> how they related to that Earth land mass - after all, Khadija also traced
> her ancestry back to that continent, and her facial features were quite
> different.  That didn't matter, though - her face had lit up as soon as she
> recognised me, and mine lit up in response.  She caught the handrail, stood
> at attention and saluted.
>
>
>
> "Ensign 2nd Class Hippolyta Silver reporting to Spearhead, Ath- uh, you're
> an officer now, so I should call you Sir, right, Sir?"
>
>
>
> "At ease, ensign."  I told her, and then smiled and embraced her.  "It's
> good to see you."
>
>
>
> "I missed you too, Sir.  But I remembered all the things you taught me!
> That's how I became the top-ranked silver generation supersoldier, and was
> given this assignment!"
>
>
>
> "And what's the assignment that you were honoured with?" I asked.
>
>
>
> "Transporting your mobile armor to Spearhead.  I was even told that I might
> get to fight by your side."
>
>
>
> "And who told you that?"  No doubt Hippolyta was very skilled, but we Golds
> had four years of training on her.  Surely if another supersoldier was
> needed, the logical choice would have been one of my generation.
>
>
>
>                 "That would be me."   While I was speaking to Hippolyta, a
> passenger on the shuttle had disembarked.  She bore an uncanny resemblance
> to the woman I had spoken to a while ago via the viewscreen, Gabriella Wang,
> save for the fact that she only appeared to be about my age.  And the fact
> that her posture and expression were, if possible, even more self-confident.
> "Head to the briefing room.  I'll speak with you and Ares there."

See, here I get a sense of location and a bit of the social
dysfunction that I expect, though I wonder why they didn't teach a
basic thing like race during training. Knowing some things about your
'enemies' can make a difference in how to react.

> *****
>
>
>
>                 The young woman strode to the head of the table, and
> gestured for Ares and myself to take the seats nearest to her, with
> Hippolyta sitting beside me.  She waited for a while, letting the tension
> build, before she spoke.
>
>
>
>                 "First things first, introductions.  I know who you are, but
> you do not yet know who I am.  I am Gabriella Wang, junior.  I am authorised
> to act on behalf of my mother whenever she is not herself present.  And I am
> living proof of her, and her organisations', commitment to spurring
> humanity's evolution.  As for how I am to be addressed, I believe 'elder
> sister' would be appropriate."  I felt somewhat uncomfortable using the term
> for her, but she was technically my superior, thus I should obey.
>
>
>
>                 Seeing our curiosity piqued, she continued.  "Forge has
> developed more than one type of Upgraded Human to bring forth the future.
> There are the Soldier types, such as yourselves, whose enhancements are
> mostly physical, the fists that enforce Forge's will.  There are the Leader
> types, the ones with mental enhancements, who will govern, as well as
> overseeing the development of new technologies.  Athene, I believe that you
> have met one of them, Miss Victoria Castella.  And then, there is me."
>
>
>
>                 "I was created based on the genetic stock of Gabriella Wang,
> and as her daughter, I represent, to use an old expression, the best of both
> worlds.  I am enhanced both physically and mentally, combining the strengths
> of the Soldier and Leader types.  In summary, I am the pinnacle of our new
> humanity."  As she spoke, her expression became even smugger, convinced that
> she was superior even to other Upgraded Humans.

Yeah, this won't turn out well at all.

>                 "It is inevitable that most humans shall not understand the
> benefits that Forge will bring."  She continued.  "Rather, they will cling
> desperately to obsolete ideologies, and we will be forced to drag them into
> this new world.  Even our allies among the Commonwealth and Lunapact take
> part hoping for power and position, rather than in the name of the evolution
> that we, the chosen few, understand."
>
>
>
>                 I wasn't sure I did understand all these grandiose
> statements about human evolution and such, but I did feel that I understood
> something about Gabriella Wang, Jr, from her speech.
>
>
>
>                 "Elder sister, you criticise our allies for acting out of a
> desire for power and position, but is that not what you and the other
> leaders of Forge will receive if this new world of yours comes to fruition?"
> Hearing this, Hippolyta whispered my name in a shocked tone of voice, while
> Ares looked at me disapprovingly.  Gabriella, junior, also glared at me,
> although she kept her voice level.
>
>
>
>                 "It is true that we shall receive such things.  However, we
> act not out of the desire for power for its own sake, but because, in order
> to forge our future, we are the ones best qualified to take those positions.
> Ordinary humans will never understand that.  Upgraded Humans were originally
> conceived as mere servants, intended to work and fight for them.  If they
> remain in power, that is all you will ever be, Athene Gold - they will
> continue to fight each other in petty wars, and you and your siblings will
> be fated to be their tools.  Only a few, like my mother, saw your potential
> to bring forth humanity's future."
>
>
>
>                 I remained unconvinced, and I think she could tell, because
> she sighed in disappointment.
>
>
>
>                 "Athene, please try and understand that this is what is best
> for you and all your siblings.  Ares, may I speak with you in private?"

I would definitely show this, not just tell it.


> *****
>
>
>
>                 "I'm sure you've noticed the. difficulties Athene has been
> having since she returned to you." Gabriella said, pointedly.
>
>
>
>                 "She's not like I remember her."  Ares replied.  "She
> changed, during the time she was away from me."
>
>
>                 "Yes.  Unfortunately, her experiences serving in the
> Commonwealth forces have done that to her.  They have caused her to develop
> in undesirable ways, and they also show signs of affecting her commitment -
> not only to Forge, but to her siblings, and to you."
>
>
>
>                 "Athene would never betray us!" Ares protested.
>
>
>
>                 "That was Athene as you knew her.  I've been monitoring her,
> and as you said, she's changed now.  Fortunately, she can be reprogrammed.
> The errors that have accumulated can be corrected."
>
>
>
>                 Ares looked sceptical.
>
>
>
>                 "I don't know if that's."

"I don't know if that's-" he started to say before he was interrupted.

>                 "Trust me, it's what's best for all concerned.  I can be
> sure of her commitment to Forge, she can fight without being burdened, and
> you. you can have Athene back the way she was.  The one you remember, and
> admire for her skill and loyalty.  The one that's the way a supersoldier
> should be."
>
>
>
> *****
>
>
>
>                 I found it odd that I should receive instructions to report
> to for a medical examination at such a time, but I followed the order,
> reporting to the infirmary.  I found Ares waiting inside, too, and one of
> the boxlike full-scan chambers opened in the wall, like a whitewashed
> plastic coffin.  The door slid closed behind me, and the lock light turned
> red.
>
>
>
>                 "Athene, you're scheduled to go first."  Ares told me, and I
> took a step towards the chamber, before I remembered something.  I had been
> in a chamber like this once before, just before I was transferred to the
> Gallipolli.  That was where I was.
>
>
>
>                 "No."  I told him.
>
>
>
>                 "Athene, this is what's best for you."  Ares told me,
> sounding so sure that he was right.
>
>
>
>                 "Ares, I don't want to be brainwashed."

She knows about brainwashing and its effectiveness, but not about a
basic fact like different races come from different locals. This seems
strangely complicated for what she knows and doesn't.

>                 "You don't really think that.  Not the real you."  He
> assured me.  "I'm sorry, but this is for your own good."  With that, he
> moved to grab my arm, trying to force me towards the open chamber.
>
>
>
>                 Shamefully, I was not prepared for him to do such a thing.
> After grabbing my arm, he followed up with a knee to my stomach, knocking
> the wind out of me.  I attempted to fight back, and managed to hold him off
> for several minutes, but against an opponent of Ares' caliber being
> unprepared for his initial strike meant that I was at a disadvantage, and I
> never really managed to turn the tables.  Eventually, bruised and dazed, he
> grabbed me in a half-nelson chickenwing and forced me into the chamber.
>
>
>
>                 "I'm sorry I had to do this."  I heard him say, and then the
> door of the chamber closed, and I heard a hiss and felt an oddly-warm
> breeze.  In a few seconds, the gas entered my lungs, and everything faded to
> black.
>
>
>
> *****
>
>
>
>                 I awoke to see Ares and Hippolyta standing over me, smiling
> warmly.
>
>
>
>                 "Did you sleep well, Athene?"  Ares asked.
>
>
>
>                 "Yes, very well.  What happened?"
>
>
>
>                 "Elder Sister said you were sick, but you're fixed now."
> Hippolyta said.
>
>
>
>                 Elder Sister. that would mean Gabriella Wang, junior.  One
> of the leaders of Forge, and proof of her mother's commitment to the future
> that upgraded humans like ourselves would bring.
>
>
>
>                 "Well, you're rested enough for now." Ares said.  "We've got
> work to do.  It's good to have you back."
>
>
>
>                 I agreed - I was back where I belonged, and I felt good.
> Forge was about to begin their operations in earnest, and I, supersoldier
> Athene Gold, would serve with pride.
>
>
>
> END OF CHAPTER 14
>
>
>
> Next Time: INSTRUMENTS OF DESTRUCTION

I'm not sure why she would be reluctant to be 're-localized' via
brainwashing. If its something they did regularly in training, she
wouldn't think much of it. If it was only used on 'broken'
super-soldiers, she would have more of a reluctance, though possibly
worried that she really was broken.

I do think you need to take a pass and go back for 'show' not tell.
>From what I could tell, this was 90% talking heads and a bit of
telling and location queues.

(For my new book about Sheila, for instance, has her saying like six
words to herself out of a 789 word scene.)