[FFML] [FANFIC][BGC] Frozen Butterfly Arc 3 Chapter 3 Draft

[skychan]

On Mon, Dec 9, 2013 at 11:51 PM, O David Morgan
<temperanceflare at gmail.com>wrote:

> side/logistics note--due to SMTP issues on my end, I've been using a
> 'reply-to' field in my outgoing email that /may/ be keeping your replies
> from going to the list.
> That is, your replies to me have just been personal replies, and I can't
> tell if that's intentional or not. But now you know ;)
>
> (If you bother to repost your last reply to the list, I'll repost this
> response there as well.)
>
> I've sent it to the list, and this as well so you don't need to
do anything.  They can see your responses here.


>
> skychan wrote:
>
>>     And it's been a while since I've read the last installment so
>>     there may be a few "I don't remember this" bits, but lets see how
>>     this goes...
>>
>>     [ I think I'm gonna ignore comma typos on the rest of this series :) ]
>>
>> Sorry, I use commas, a lot, and probably in all the wrong places, oh
>> wait, the second to last one should have been a period.
>>
>
> lol ^_^
> Yeah, you frequently misplace commas. But you're consistent with it by now
> so I'm not gonna nitpick all of them.
>
>          Frozen Butterfly Arc 3 Chapter 3 a story of Bubblegum Crisis
>>
>>     Still using the subway, eh? Not that she has many options at this
>>     point.
>>
>> Nope, stuck using good old public transportaion.  Something I try to
>> make certain to acknowledge whenever it occurs.
>>
>
> It seems to be an important point of contrast between her human side and
> her 33-S reactions, and gives an unexpected perspective on how she's
> feeling.
>
> Intended or not, I think it's an important part of this story, and I like
> what you're doing with it.
>
> Thank you.


>      This 'nightmare' section could be too much "tell" rather than
>>     "show", but the presentation and pacing aren't bad.
>>     "Tell" works a little better than normal because she's doesn't
>>     remember the nightmares, but the narrator's still simply
>>     explaining a lot, instead of giving us a scene of this happening.
>>
>> Maybe it's recent enough, but I wanted to give a reminder about some
>> of her low blood coping issues along with the fact that what caused
>> dreams earlier was making nightmares now.
>>
>
> Ah, if you mentioned it before then it's something I just forgot... and
> this may be a bit too much exposition, in that case.
>
> Though I needed the reminder so maybe it's not a bad thing? Ehehe...
>
>
> I've decided it's too much and too little.  Its a section I'll try to
clear up with the edit.  Low blood volume helps/lets/makes her dream.  Her
current state of mind is making them nightmares.  I'll try to make that a
bit more clear.


>      Still, I find it interesting that Alice and I disagree on so may
>>     things :) Can't tell if I'm better at analysis than she, or if my
>>     working data is flawed.
>>
>> Oh I don't know that I would call your working data flawed.  Perhaps
>> she is simply too close to the source to be completely objective and
>> she NEED's it to work too much to let niggling worries derail the attempt.
>>
>
> So I'm better at analysis then? Well, I try, haha.
> But you're right, and I also try to be paranoid about things that /could/
> get in my way, and not write them off completely.
> But that's cool, I mean, you're not writing a story about me ;)
>
>
> I'm reminded of Worm and the Simurgh.  Yes, it is paranoid to think that
that evil precog is manipulating events to cause some horrible thing to
happen.  But are you being paranoid enough!


>      Hah. This time I think you're missing a scene break indicator
>>     between those two paragraphs ;) Mostly only because you were using
>>     them last chapter, but you DO take a full paragraph to properly
>>     identify the location change.
>>
>> It's probably a post traumatic reaction to the lambasting you gave me
>> last chapter about not needing them!
>>
>
> Ahahahah!
> That why this one jumped out at me, I think, and it's certainly why I
> bothered to mention it :D
> ( I think there was one last time that I agreed with, so it's not like I
> hate the things ;p Hopefully I'm not squashing your style, though. )
>
> Nah, not really.  I'm probably going to go without them but I'm currently
inconsistent.  Half my writing being so "Dresdent" every momoment covered,
and half shifting wildly through time that I'm not sure which way is
better.  To have dedicated scene breaks, or simply use introductory
paragraphs.


>  I don't know if you have been going back to see the finalized
>> versions or not, but I do take your comments into account when I
>> edit for the final versions to be posted to fanfiction.net
>> <http://fanfiction.net>. > https://www.fanfiction.net/~skywiseskychan
>>
>
> I *have* been comparing against the 'final' versions you've linked to on
> the list (so I assume that's the FF.net version), if only because I've
> overly curious as to which of my comments you find useful--but it's also
> interesting to see the changes you make that I had nothing to do with.
> Those are usually pretty good, too :)
>
>
> That's thanks to the other fine fellows contributing comments as well.


>      I may be exhibiting shock as well. Did not realize how attached
>>     Alice still was to Nene... will this be a problem for Alice?
>>
>>     If she were human I'd say she had a crush... I honestly don't know
>>     what those symptoms reflect for a 33-S.
>>
>> A Crush...
>> Or the presence of their 'hard' coded Master.
>>
>
> Or both? At least, it could happen in this case. There could be a bit of a
> feedback loop there, actually.
>
>
>  Once you reached the end of the chapter it probably became a bit more
>> apparent why.  Although it could just be time I would have expected
>> you to remember that Kari actually set Nene up in the private secret
>> little headspace that 33-S class boomers have for their masters.
>>
>
> I cheated a bit; I actually read this when you first posted it, and just
> took several days to get time to reply to it.
>
> (Otherwise I would've just thought it was a crush.)
>
> And I *did* remember that Nene got overwritten as Kari's master, but...
> well, this is why I need to re-read: this is the first time that I honestly
> believed that meant much of anything. With Flint, the 33-S and human sides
> seemed to disagree about what the *master* designation meant, and the human
> side seemed to have veto powers.
> (If nothing else, I thought I remembered whatever-Kari's-name-was-then
> thinking something about not accepting having a master... but I *really*
> don't remember the phrasing, just the feeling. So I had the impression that
> her "master" was a designation only, and that this was one way she was
> different from production-model 33-S.)
> ....
>
> Well it has been a fairly importaint aspect of the story.  Flint didn't
get himself properly registered as her master.  If he had bothered or
risked having actual technicians around for her reactivation he could
have.  Trying to do it himself is what gave her enough wiggle room to start
working against him so swiftly and blatantly where it would take a regular
33-S time to develop enough contradictory instructions and will to do so.


>          "STOP!"  And I froze.  Heart caught in my throat as I heard
>>         the first actual command from my master since I had arrived.
>>
>
> But here... that's pure 33-S. I'm *really* looking forward to see how that
> develops, and how Alice deals with it.
>
> [Also, no highlight or whatever on "master" like I remember from her time
> with Flint. Intentional, or typo?]
>
Typo. That really should be capitalized or bolded, thank you.  I was using
the Italics as an internal defense response.  Kari was refering to him by
adding sarcasm to protect herself from the full brunt of the fact that he
was her master.  Here she doesn't have any of that protecting her and I
think bolding it may be more appropriate.


>
>  Thank you very much for the comments and review, and if you do find
>> any continuity errors please please share them with me so I can wrok
>> them out.
>>
>
> Dunno if/when I'll get to that (I'm behind on so many things I want to
> re-read) but I will certainly share anything I find.
> -Strike & Co.
>
Thank you again for your thoughts.

> --
> Rule # 1: There are always exceptions to the rules.
>
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