[FFML] [FANFIC][BGC] Frozen Butterfly Arc 3 Chapter 3 Draft

[O David Morgan]

skychan wrote:
> Here's the latest chapter draft of my story.  It still needs a bit of
> polishing and so I'm hoping that if anyone has sugestions or comments that
> they will feel free to share them with me.
>
> Thank you.
>
> Skywise,Skychan

And it's been a while since I've read the last installment so there 
may be a few "I don't remember this" bits, but lets see how this goes...

[ I think I'm gonna ignore comma typos on the rest of this series :) ]

> Frozen Butterfly Arc 3 Chapter 3 a story of Bubblegum Crisis
>
> I returned home with the rising sun.  The timing wasn't great for riding
> the subway but I'd waved away Sylvie's offer of a ride anyway.

Still using the subway, eh? Not that she has many options at this point.

> Could I stand back and let them be next on Sylvie's list, and how
> immoral had I become I to even think about it?

extra "I" in that last line.

Interesting to see how her reaction to the subway crowd is a bit 
different this time around.

> Waking up I let out a scream and struggled momentarily with the sheets.  My
> body felt as though the weight of the world held me in place.  Panting, in
> a cold sweat, my resting heart rate began to increase until it could
> support full body functionality.
>
> Damn, the nightmares were back.
>
> I'd discovered that I could slow the degradation of my fluidics supply by
> reducing my heart rate when at rest, but it came with a price.  Feeling
> muzzy on waking and nightmares the cost of increased longevity.
> ... It washed away a lingering sense of betrayal and blood, all I
> could recall now of  whatever dream had haunted my sleep.

This 'nightmare' section could be too much "tell" rather than "show", 
but the presentation and pacing aren't bad.
"Tell" works a little better than normal because she's doesn't 
remember the nightmares, but the narrator's still simply explaining a 
lot, instead of giving us a scene of this happening.

Hm, also the verb tense in "I'd discovered that" implies this had 
happened previously, but that means sometime last chapter? That does 
make "show" more difficult to pull off.

> "Good Morning Alice-chan."  Her voice was soft as a fuzzy Nanami eased the
> door shut behind her.  Standing there, blocking the door she wasn't exactly
> imposing.  *Subject projecting false confidence 83% probable.*
>...
> Still, her underlying meaning seemed clear enough with *1.36 seconds* of
> reflection on her words.  *Subject deluding herself by claiming no
> attraction to females, is afraid to be considered promiscuous and discarded
> for that fact, and is attracted to females generally and self specifically.*
> Oh, and I was pretty sure she also just asked me out on a date.

Yup, I'm pretty sure she did. Heh.

> I was almost giddy all the way back to my room.  Teasing Nanami was fun!
> Like I told her, I wasn't actually sure if I could or would want to
> actually date, but flirting, that was enjoyable.  It was like a piece of my
> life, missing until now had finally slotted into place.

Flirting is not in my skillset... But this scene/explanation makes the 
33-S parts seem more human, IMO. I liked it a lot.

> A short peek at the AD Police scheduling master system showed that
> Nene was on shift right now. Good, at least she would be
> preoccupied until I was done.

Distracted, maybe, but I wouldn't go as far as 'preoccupied'.... 
though presumably "Alice" knows this Nene better than I do.

Still, I find it interesting that Alice and I disagree on so may 
things :) Can't tell if I'm better at analysis than she, or if my 
working data is flawed.

> No, No NO NO!  How!  I couldn’t understand it, she was busy, at work, and I
> had been careful and a quick look showed her monitoring program hadn't
> noticed a thing out of place!  But despite that, she was here and I could
> feel the ache of immaterial bones as the spearmint scent of her presence
> seemed to fill my mind.

Thought so. But then, I usually have a pretty high opinion of Nene :)

> moment to take in the row upon row of Sakura tree's that lined the

extraneous apostrophe there.

> Nothing is perfect, and trying to find that kind of solution wasn't going
> to help.  It might not even exist.  Letting my path lead me out I made a
> decision.
>
> I wasn't nervous, exactly, sitting there with ankles crossed, hands in my
> lap and counting the seconds down until eight o'clock.  I mean, the area
> was open to the public, even if I was somewhat conspicuous for being the
> only one there.  But it wasn't against the law to wait in the lobby, and
> the officer at the desk would make a good witness if I kept my voice down
> when the time came.

Hah. This time I think you're missing a scene break indicator between 
those two paragraphs ;) Mostly only because you were using them last 
chapter, but you DO take a full paragraph to properly identify the 
location change.

> Then, all of a sudden there she was.  Nene.  Taking a deep breath I felt my
> heart rate increase, the increased flow bringing a blush to my cheeks.  Along
> with that came a sharper awareness, as if someone turned up the color
> saturation of the world.  Nene's hair going from an attractive but
> otherwise monochrome red, to a shimmering spectrum as each hair caught the
> light differently from colors nearly as pale blond as my own to a dark ruby
> red.
>
> I realized on seeing her just how much I had missed it, the chance to talk,
> her smile, just being in her presence.  Her emerald eyes widened with shock
> as she spotted me.  The friendly if shy smile I gave her only increasing
> her confusion as she glanced around as if looking for a trap.  *Subject
> exhibiting signs of shock.  *

I may be exhibiting shock as well. Did not realize how attached Alice 
still was to Nene... will this be a problem for Alice?

If she were human I'd say she had a crush... I honestly don't know 
what those symptoms reflect for a 33-S.

> Nene opened her mouth, as if to say something then stopped.  Watching her
> think was almost painful as I could almost see the moment she decided
> against it.  "Kari, they're criminals," her tone soft, like how you would
> explain to a child the realities of the world.  "I can't just let them go
> free."  *Probability of being able to change subject decision 12.4%.*

I think that's a false dichotomy--you're not being asked to let them 
go free, Nene, just to let them find an alternate blood source so they 
don't have to keep killing. While you continue to track them down for 
the previous killings.
But then, Alice/Kari obviously doesn't think she has time to try to 
explain this :) (and she also uses a more emotional, less literal, 
style of argument than I do).

> "STOP!"  And I froze.  Heart caught in my throat as I heard the first
> actual command from my master since I had arrived.

Wow. Now I'm interested in re-reading the series just for continuity 
checking.
And I'm also quite interested in how this cliffhanger is resolved :) 
Good place to end, so long as you don't take forever writing the next 
chapter please ;)

-Strike & Co.--
Rule # 1: There are always exceptions to the rules.