[FFML] [Ranma][Revised] Hearts and Minds, Part 8 of 10

[Gary Kleppe]

On 08/16/2013 08:53 AM, Michael Clark wrote:

> So we have a few plotlines here:  Tsubasa's efforts to get cursed (which
> result in a meeting with the spirit of the Spring of Drowned Girl).  The
> revelation of Lili's motivations is unexpected and fitting in its
> parallels with Ranma's own goals.
>
> We have Ti Pi, Kuno, and Gosunkugi's escape from Amar and the subsequent
> hubbub over what Gosunkugi found, the Linghungbao.  Kui Ziling finds the
> artifact and considers turning it over to Herb to have the village
> spared.  The bombs that drop at the end of the chapter seem to convince
> Kui to resist rather than surrender the Linghungbao.


Your reaction here confused me, and rereading the chapter I see that it 
the fault was mine. When the bomb went off, Kui had already loaded the 
gem into the bird's carrier case, but was considering taking it back out 
again, so the bird was carrying the gem as it flew off. The way it's 
written clearly doesn't make this clear. I will change it on my web 
copy, but be aware of it so you're not confused in the final chapter 
when the thing turns up in Mongolia.


> We have Ukyo, Azusa, and Mikado trying to defeat Kodachi.  Azusa's
> affection for Kodachi's ribbon convinces it to stop obeyond Kodachi's
> command, and Kodachi is temporarily stopped.  Ukyo and Konatsu have a
> nice moment at the end of this as Konatsu admits he lied about being
> married.  Kodachi seems rather shaken that her "pets" could be made to
> disobey her in this way.
>
> We have Biaozi conferring with her men.
>
> We have Nodoka meeting with the people who approached her last chapter.
>
> Lastly, we have Ranma and Tofu meeting with the resistance, Nabiki's
> dream, and her efforts to uncover who sold out the group to Biaozi.  Her
> conclusion is Akane did, which would outwardly appear to fit with the
> idea that the traitor tried to double-cross Biaozi, only to be foiled by
> Biaozi's lingering tracer.
>
>
> That's a lot of different plotlines.  I wonder if they're too
> fragmented, too split up.  Even most of these are split into two or
> three interwoven pieces.  To be clear, I do not feel strongly that they
> are too split up; it is simply something I recognize is characteristic
> of how you have told this story, and I think it's useful to look at a
> choice or a habit and question whether it is really the best way to do
> things.  Would anything be lost if the four major plotlines of this
> chapter were contiguous?  I'm not sure.  Would anything be gained?  Not
> sure about that either.


I'm not sure whether it would even be possible given how far things have 
split. But things will be coming together soon. By the final chapter 
there'll be pretty much just two main plotlines, one happening in the 
Amazon village and the other in Mongolia. But at this point loose ends 
need to be tied up.


> Anyway, there is definite progress on all fronts.  The Linghungbao has
> been identified.  Kodachi has been foiled, for now.  Biaozi is making a
> move on the village.  Not a bad amount of movement for 8500 words.


Thanks.


> Amar is nicely characterized, being the token nice Mongol soldier who's
> just doing his duty and isn't intellectually behind all the horrors of
> war.  He's someone we can relate to.


I've tried to humanize the Mongols throughout the story so that they're 
not just generic enemies. This particular guy is from a more educated 
background which probably matches the profile of the readers more than 
anyone we've seen so far. Incidentally, years ago I wrote a story called 
_Tenshi_ where the Furinkan drama coach was a drill sergeant type; this 
was turnabout.


> I think Kui's decision is a realistic weighing of the possible benefits
> between handing over the Linghungbao and keeping it in defiance of Herb.
> Nicely done.


See above.


> Konatsu and Ukyo's moment of connection after escaping Kodachi is a high
> point, as is Kodachi's sudden fears over how her pets might betray her.


Thanks.


>> "I've thought this out for years, captain. I don't plan a frontal
>> invasion like last time. Your forces, at least initially, are only
>> here as a diversion. In twenty minutes, you'll bring your troops into
>> range and begin shelling the village. Meanwhile, I'll be sneaking in
>> to infiltrate it."
>
> Should "captain" be capitalized?  I think it should.


My understanding is that works like "doctor," it's capitalized when used 
as a name, but not as a description. "What's the name of that captain 
who we met last week? Oh yeah, he was Captain Johnson." The sentence 
here could be interpreted either way but is probably a case of the 
latter, so I'll change it.


>> "The Amazons are expecting an attack but it hasn't come yet. I'm back
>> in the states. Tomorrow morning I'll talk to my boss and try to get
>> some answers. But in the meantime, there's something else I'd like to
>> discuss with you."
>
> Should "states" be capitalized?


Again somewhat ambiguous, but it's meant as a shortened form of United 
States, so I think in this context you're right.


>> "I was curious as to who had given away your group's location to the
>> Mongols so that they were able to capture Kasumi and Mu Si. My people,
>> through a rather unlikely bit of dumb luck, discovered what might have
>> been the payoff made in exchange for that information. A secret
>> international bank account with ninety million Yen, in the name of
>> Saotome Ranma and Saotome Akane."
>
> I don't think "Yen" should be capitalized; think along the lines of
> "dollars."


Yeah.


>> "Yeah." Pu Lanmu snorted. "I've seen the same animes you probably
>> have. Okay, mister girly man, I'll show you where the spring of
>> drowned girl is..."
>
> *Has* she seen the same anime that Tsubasa has?  I mean, they're out in
> the sticks of China; it actually strikes me as a bit unlikely.


It was mentioned earlier that the Saotomes had been sending her DVDs. So 
she's seen a good assortment of the most popular stuff.

	
>> He still wanted to turn into a woman.
>>
>> But not *that* one.
>>
>> She was crazy.
>
> Nice reaction there, Tsubasa.  A good moment of levity there.
> 	
>> Tsakhi braked hard and his jeep jerked to a stop in front of a
>> run-down cottage. "Here you will find food and clean clothes. There is
>> a water tank and makeshift heater with which you should be able to
>> clean yourselves up. There are maps which will show you the way into
>> the city.  There are also pre-paid disposable phones in case you need
>> to get a message through to your comrades. What you do with all of
>> this is your own choice, and I don't want to know."
>
> Prepaid disposable phones?  What year is it again?


Officially it's seven years after the end of the original series. The 
series doesn't really have a consistent time frame. It was written over 
a period of 8-9 years, I think. Considering that you didn't see Nabiki 
and Tatewaki taking college entrance exams (for example), one would 
conclude that it didn't span more than a year or so of in-universe time, 
but the sheer amount of stuff that happened during it would suggest a 
much longer duration. Per WikiPedia 
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_the_prepaid_mobile_phone), 
prepaid phones were around as early as the mid-nineties, and my 
understanding is that they became prevalent in Asia much earlier than 
they did here.


>> "Yes, sir," the corporal who had just returned from reconnaissance
>> said. "They've posted extra guards, but apart from that it's pretty
>> much as expected." He handed over a small digital camera.
>
> See above.


And see above answer, but note also that these guys have access to 
military technology supplied by their foreign benefactors which may 
likely be better than what's currently on the public market.


Once again, thanks very much for the helpful comments.