[FFML] [Ranma][Revised] Hearts and Minds, Part 8 of 10

[Michael Clark]

(Plot and Structure)

So we have a few plotlines here:  Tsubasa's efforts to get cursed (which
result in a meeting with the spirit of the Spring of Drowned Girl).  The
revelation of Lili's motivations is unexpected and fitting in its
parallels with Ranma's own goals.

We have Ti Pi, Kuno, and Gosunkugi's escape from Amar and the subsequent
hubbub over what Gosunkugi found, the Linghungbao.  Kui Ziling finds the
artifact and considers turning it over to Herb to have the village
spared.  The bombs that drop at the end of the chapter seem to convince
Kui to resist rather than surrender the Linghungbao.

We have Ukyo, Azusa, and Mikado trying to defeat Kodachi.  Azusa's
affection for Kodachi's ribbon convinces it to stop obeyond Kodachi's
command, and Kodachi is temporarily stopped.  Ukyo and Konatsu have a
nice moment at the end of this as Konatsu admits he lied about being
married.  Kodachi seems rather shaken that her "pets" could be made to
disobey her in this way.

We have Biaozi conferring with her men.

We have Nodoka meeting with the people who approached her last chapter.

Lastly, we have Ranma and Tofu meeting with the resistance, Nabiki's
dream, and her efforts to uncover who sold out the group to Biaozi.  Her
conclusion is Akane did, which would outwardly appear to fit with the
idea that the traitor tried to double-cross Biaozi, only to be foiled by
Biaozi's lingering tracer.


That's a lot of different plotlines.  I wonder if they're too
fragmented, too split up.  Even most of these are split into two or
three interwoven pieces.  To be clear, I do not feel strongly that they
are too split up; it is simply something I recognize is characteristic
of how you have told this story, and I think it's useful to look at a
choice or a habit and question whether it is really the best way to do
things.  Would anything be lost if the four major plotlines of this
chapter were contiguous?  I'm not sure.  Would anything be gained?  Not
sure about that either.

Anyway, there is definite progress on all fronts.  The Linghungbao has
been identified.  Kodachi has been foiled, for now.  Biaozi is making a
move on the village.  Not a bad amount of movement for 8500 words.

(Characterization and Development)

Amar is nicely characterized, being the token nice Mongol soldier who's
just doing his duty and isn't intellectually behind all the horrors of
war.  He's someone we can relate to.

I think Kui's decision is a realistic weighing of the possible benefits
between handing over the Linghungbao and keeping it in defiance of Herb.
Nicely done.

Konatsu and Ukyo's moment of connection after escaping Kodachi is a high
point, as is Kodachi's sudden fears over how her pets might betray her.

(Style and Command)

> "I've thought this out for years, captain. I don't plan a frontal
> invasion like last time. Your forces, at least initially, are only
> here as a diversion. In twenty minutes, you'll bring your troops into
> range and begin shelling the village. Meanwhile, I'll be sneaking in
> to infiltrate it."

Should "captain" be capitalized?  I think it should.

> "The Amazons are expecting an attack but it hasn't come yet. I'm back
> in the states. Tomorrow morning I'll talk to my boss and try to get
> some answers. But in the meantime, there's something else I'd like to
> discuss with you."

Should "states" be capitalized?

> "I was curious as to who had given away your group's location to the
> Mongols so that they were able to capture Kasumi and Mu Si. My people,
> through a rather unlikely bit of dumb luck, discovered what might have
> been the payoff made in exchange for that information. A secret
> international bank account with ninety million Yen, in the name of
> Saotome Ranma and Saotome Akane."

I don't think "Yen" should be capitalized; think along the lines of
"dollars."


(Misc)


> "Yeah." Pu Lanmu snorted. "I've seen the same animes you probably
> have. Okay, mister girly man, I'll show you where the spring of
> drowned girl is..."

*Has* she seen the same anime that Tsubasa has?  I mean, they're out in
the sticks of China; it actually strikes me as a bit unlikely.
	
	
> He still wanted to turn into a woman.
> 
> But not *that* one.
> 
> She was crazy.

Nice reaction there, Tsubasa.  A good moment of levity there.
	
> Tsakhi braked hard and his jeep jerked to a stop in front of a
> run-down cottage. "Here you will find food and clean clothes. There is
> a water tank and makeshift heater with which you should be able to
> clean yourselves up. There are maps which will show you the way into
> the city.  There are also pre-paid disposable phones in case you need
> to get a message through to your comrades. What you do with all of
> this is your own choice, and I don't want to know."

Prepaid disposable phones?  What year is it again?

> "Yes, sir," the corporal who had just returned from reconnaissance
> said. "They've posted extra guards, but apart from that it's pretty
> much as expected." He handed over a small digital camera.

See above.