[FFML] [Ranma][Revised] Hearts and Minds, Part 6 of 10

[Michael Clark]

(Plot and Structure)

The first scene has a bit where Akane tells Nabiki what they found in
the fallout of the end of the last chapter.  I think having Akane relate
all this information over the phone makes it very expository and a bit
dry.  Why not directly show the group discovering that Mousse is gone,
that Kasumi has been taken along with him, and so on?  A conversation
with Nabiki, if necessary to advance the plot in other areas, can be
reduced to a couple sentences.  I think showing the process of discovery
would strengthen the scene considerably.


Biaozi's reaction to news that Shampoo has been cursed is helpful, in
that it clarifies that whoever "killed" Kodachi is not working with
Biaozi.


If the cursed water that would be used to restore Shampoo to her natural
body is cursed at a particular time, and this is the same process
Cologne went through, why would Cologne's water make Shampoo old?


My criticism of the first scene could also apply to the scene with Kuno
waking up in a hospital bed.  Here, he's informed of the efforts to
discover the attacker's identity, the progress of the efforts to restore
Shampoo--both are things I feel we should be seeing "first-hand".


Gosunkugi recorded a conversation with Cologne?  That's quite
convenient; the solution to what the Linghungbao does can be obtained
quickly and easily that way.  To be honest, I don't accept Gosunkugi's
reasons for having recorded that conversation to be reasonable, and for
this reason, that he recorded it at all seems like a case of the tail
wagging the dog.  There is no real reason for him to have done so except
it is necessary to move the plot forward.


The brick on the gas pedal is a nice trick.


It's a little difficult to keep the Western mercenaries that Ranma and
co. face all distinct from one another.  It strikes me that the scene
might be better told from one of their perspectives, as they would
naturally know names and be able to keep things separate, but that would
lose the effect of panic and surprise on Ranma's part (and on others'
parts).  Perhaps it is best that the scene is a bit dizzying; it's
dizzying for Ranma, too.


(Characterization and Development)

In the scene with Biaozi, Michaels, and Herb, we get a glimpse of
Biaozi's motivations--essentially, to save the Amazons from the decline
they seem to be in, even if it means upending the whole society itself.
A noble goal.  Taking leadership of the Amazon is but a means to that
end, however.  She has to use that position to put something forward, to
revitalize the village and the people.  I don't quite see what it is she
intends to do yet.  Perhaps she intends to train the Amazons harder, so
that there will be great warriors again (or perhaps the horrors of this
war will do that for her), but if not that, then I remain uncertain.


Nabiki seems strangely suspicious of Elder Lan.  Why is that?


I like Kuno's moment of self-reflection in the hospital.  It gives him
some depth, especially the part where he confronts his feelings toward
Akane and Ranma, so to speak.


(Style and Command)

> "We-- we don't know." She took a breath before continuing.  "There was
> some sort of loud crash that woke all of us up." *Well, most of us,*
> she amended mentally, but now wasn't the time to discuss her husband's
> sleeping habits. "When we looked, there was nothing there. Mu Si -- he
> was supposed to be on guard -- was gone, and Kasumi was nowhere to be
> seen either."

They still are gone. Something in me wants to say, "Mu Si ... is gone,
and so is Kasumi."