[FFML] [FIC][BGC] Frozen Butterfly 2 Chapter 4 - Thanks

[skychan]

Thank you, I'll have to look at that edit a bit more closely as no Kari
certainly has no idea about Nene and the Knight Sabers.  I'll have to
reword that to make it more clear.  I still am not quite satisfied with the
final paragraph, but am far more content with the rest of the club scene in
general and I owe a lot of the drive to fix it for the better to Matthew
Campbell.  But now, exposition is done, background is complete, and it is
time to unleash upon an unsuspecting Kari the terror that is BGC!

On Fri, Sep 28, 2012 at 10:02 PM, O David Morgan <dmorgan at tgbob.com> wrote:

> skychan wrote:
>
>> I wanted to give my thanks for those on the list who read the draft and
>> provided feedback.  It was very much appreciated.  I've now finished a
>> considerable edit and posted the results if anyone would like to read the
>> currently 'finished' product.
>>
>> http://www.fanfiction.net/s/**8425534/4/<http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8425534/4/>
>>
>> Kelly
>> skywiseskychan
>>
>
> Overall, I like the edited version much more. I had to keep checking
> between to the two see how you'd changed things, hehe.
>
> One edit that I think you got wrong, though:
>
> Original:
> > Instead of their being out there to kill, they were out protecting
> > the police, and my friend.
>
> FF.net:
> > Instead of their being out there to kill boomers I realized they
> > were also out there protecting people, and my best friend, only
> > friend in the world might be one of them.
>
> First version just makes me think the Knights are protecting the police
> (including Nene).
>
> Second version uses "they" to refer to the Knights, except at the end of
> the sentence when you mean it to refer to "people". So I first read it as
> suspicions that Nene was a Knight, and I didn't think Kari had gotten that
> far yet.
>
>
> Great expansion to the ending, btw! :)
> -Strike & Co.
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