[FFML] [FIC][BGC] Frozen Butterfly 2 Chapter 4 - Thanks

[O David Morgan]

skychan wrote:
> I wanted to give my thanks for those on the list who read the draft and
> provided feedback.  It was very much appreciated.  I've now finished a
> considerable edit and posted the results if anyone would like to read the
> currently 'finished' product.
>
> http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8425534/4/
>
> Kelly
> skywiseskychan

Overall, I like the edited version much more. I had to keep checking 
between to the two see how you'd changed things, hehe.

One edit that I think you got wrong, though:

Original:
 > Instead of their being out there to kill, they were out protecting
 > the police, and my friend.

FF.net:
 > Instead of their being out there to kill boomers I realized they
 > were also out there protecting people, and my best friend, only
 > friend in the world might be one of them.

First version just makes me think the Knights are protecting the 
police (including Nene).

Second version uses "they" to refer to the Knights, except at the end 
of the sentence when you mean it to refer to "people". So I first read 
it as suspicions that Nene was a Knight, and I didn't think Kari had 
gotten that far yet.


Great expansion to the ending, btw! :)
-Strike & Co.
-- 
Rule # 1: There are always exceptions to the rules.