[FFML] [Fanfic]Draft 1][Marvel/Avengers] Siblings, Spiders, and Squirrels, Oh my! Chapter 3 - Peter

[skychan]

Using Bruce as the armature physiologist to disguise exposition is
good.  However
for whatever reason it seems a bit flat.  I think that it is because
despite the fact that you are describing what he's doing, there isn't an
emotional tone to it.  What does he look like as he thought before writing
down the contacts number.  What kind of a grin did he give Pepper?



Again I'm going with confusion over Doreen's age.  As in the previous
chapter Jarvis describes her as a young woman, and here she's being
referred to as about the same age as a young boy.



Way to break the tension of the moment with the comments about needing to
get a dog.



Tony had apparently forgotten about a dog by the next morning, or at least,
he never brought it up, and Pepper is grateful for that. Unlike her
husband, she was fully aware of what having a dog around meant and given
the way the Avengers lived their lives, it just wouldn't have worked.

Careful you're mixing past and present in this, "Pepper was grateful for
that"

I also think you need to go over this with a broom and clean that up more
generally so that it is all in present tense, or past tense.  The shifts
were a little jarring and part of what I think took away from this chapter
making it 'less' than the previous one.



She also cannot get Tony's remark about the american dream out of her mind.
It sits there, popping up as an idle thought,  or her memories of her own
siblings. Finally, she picks up the phone.

The she in this is obviously meant to be Pepper, but the previous paragraph
refers to Doreen causing confusion there.



Things seem to settle down once you get Tony catching Peter for their talk
and that is the strongest part of the chapter, though even that could
probably do with one more look through and before you go on with the whole
sneaking out escapade I think a little bit more on how Peter and Doreen
react to each other would be a good idea.  I agree with show not tell.
Kelly
Skywise,Skychan
https://www.fanfiction.net/skywiseskychan/
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