[FFML] Revised Path of the Warrior Chapter 1

[J Wagner]

Wow. I remember reading this... it must've been a decade ago? Feels like
forever!
Interesting to see you working on it anew.

- Capn Chryssalid

On Fri, Mar 2, 2012 at 1:50 AM, DB Sommer <sommert at consolidated.net> wrote:

> On 3/2/2012 1:44 AM, David Smith wrote:
>
>> Ah, it's been such a long time.  Brings back good memories.
>>
>> Story's still pretty solid; just a few minor errors I noticed:
>>
>> > Drawing things out wasn’t Shampoo’s usual style, but her
>> great-grandmother had insisted she showcased her skills today.
>>
>> "showcased" should probably be "showcase".  Present tense is more
>> appropriate for that portion of the phrase.
>>
>> > That meant playing with her opponents rather than putting them with her
>> usual efficient style.
>>
>> Should be "putting them down"?  Though that's mildly ambiguous phrasing
>> (given that this is a Ranma story), it's most likely what was intended.
>>
>> > But for Shampoo, casually endured the storm, then retaliated with
>> strikes to her opponent’s legs.
>>
>> Modifying phrase is incorrectly constructed.  Simple correction would be:
>>
>> "But Shampoo casually endured the storm, then retaliated with strikes to
>> her opponent’s legs."
>>
>> But that leaves it as an incomplete sentence.  May possibly want to merge
>> with the preceding sentence, or rearrange the word ordering.
>>
>> > But it could no longer be. Her great-grandmother had seen to that.
>>
>> I would probably use a semicolon here.
>>
>
> Most of those mistakes are the results of changing things in the revision,
> including a *lot* of tense changes. Thanks for picking them up
>
>
>
>> --
>> David
>>
>>        .-------Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List--------.
>>        |   Administrators - ffml-admins at chez-vrolet.net   |
>>        |   Unsubscribing - ffml-request at chez-vrolet.net   |
>>        |         Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject         |
>>        `----- FAQ http://chez-vrolet.net/ffml/**faq.txt<http://chez-vrolet.net/ffml/faq.txt>----'
>>
>>
>>
>        .-------Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List--------.
>        |   Administrators - ffml-admins at chez-vrolet.net   |
>        |   Unsubscribing - ffml-request at chez-vrolet.net   |
>        |         Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject         |
>        `----- FAQ http://chez-vrolet.net/ffml/**faq.txt<http://chez-vrolet.net/ffml/faq.txt>----'
>
>
-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <http://www.chez-vrolet.net/pipermail/ffml/attachments/20120302/138bffad/attachment.html>