[FFML] [Fanfic]Draft 1][Marvel/Avengers] Siblings, Spiders, and Squirrels, Oh my! Chapter 3 - Peter

[Timothy Miller]

Also looking good, albeit a little less stellar than Chapter 2.

The main thing that gets this chapter marked down some is that there are 
a couple of points where you waffle from past tense to present tense - 
such as in the first "synopsis" section which summarizes Peter and 
Doreen getting to know each other.

In truth, that synopsis also points up the second problem - you're 
telling rather than showing, and the story suffers because of it. I'm 
enjoying the narrative a lot; the shift into expository-summary (almost 
an infodump) pushes me back out of the story. It would be great to see 
some of this information *shown* in the course of narrative, rather than 
you simply telling us. And if it makes the chapter so much longer that 
the reveal of Peter's "secret identity" has to be split off into a 
separate chapter, I don't necessarily see this as a bad thing.

Anyway, enough on the negative side of things. Positives:

Great work integrating Peter's story - it seems like you're largely 
taking off from the first modern Spider-Man movie (the one with Tobey 
Maguire as Peter/Spidey), albeit tweaking some things to make it 
integrate better into the story you're writing.

I also approve of having "Macendale" being the criminal who turned into 
Spidey's first enemy, and the namedrop of Morbius as the company from 
the ill-fated field trip. (I don't recall if that was the company's name 
in the movie, but either way, I approve.)

I continue to look forward to more!

                 Tim Miller
                     timr.miller at verizon.net