[FFML] Mobile Suit Gundam Storm, Chapter 9 (1st draft)

[Arthur Hansen]

On Wed, Apr 25, 2012 at 4:32 AM, Andrew Dynon <adynon at internode.on.net>wrote:

> "Ensign Gold, until you are able to work properly within a team, you are
> banned from engaging in combat operations."
>
>
>
>                When I heard those words, I just stood there in shock,
> unable to believe that McDermott would do such a thing to me.  He stood
> there, holding my gaze.  "Do you understand?"
>

This should be properly split up between the speaker (McDermott) and Gold.
Her thoughts should not be in the same paragraph as McDermott's words.


>
>                "No, sir, I don't.  There's nobody else on the ship, in the
> entire Commonwealth Forces, with my abilities.  Furthermore, the Lunapact
> forces have."
>

Ah, weasling, though nothing that really shows what she is thinking 'now'
after the shock.


>
>                "I'm well aware of who they have with them, Ensign.  I was
> aware of the fact when I made my decision.  Do I need to go over the
> reasons
> you are being disciplined again?
>
>
>
>                "No, sir."
>
>
>
>                "Then you are aware that, until you have dealt with your.
> issues with command of your faculties when she is around, you are a
> liability on the battlefield.  Until further notice, when the Gallipoli
> engages in combat, you will remain on standby."
>
>
>
>                "Yes, sir."
>
>
>
>                When I was at Sparta Base, the instructors had been liberal
> in giving beatings or worse to candidates who failed to properly obey
> orders, and we all knew we were expected to stoically accept any
> disciplinary action meted down to us.  And so I stood there, accepting my
> punishment, as McDermott's words seemed to sting me far worse than any
> corporal punishment from any instructor ever had.  A "liability".  He saw
> me
> as someone who, by being on the battlefield, would make things more
> difficult for my side.
>
>
>
>                I was someone who, as a soldier, was worse than useless.
>
>
>
>                "Liability".  The word echoed in my brain, and it felt as if
> my muscles lost their solidity, turning into some kind of useless goo.  It
> seemed to take all my willpower simply to remain standing as he turned and
> walked away.  After the doorway closed, even that ran out, and I collapsed
> onto my rear end on the gantry, unable to make myself move.
>

Huh. I would have rather thought she would have half-collapsed against the
wall rather than sit down like a child.

Again, other than the gantry we have no descriptors of location. Bridge
filled with others? Private office? Are they in uniform? Anyone else
present?


>
>
>
> *****
>
> MOBILE SUIT GUNDAM STORM
>
> A Fanfic by Andrew Dynon
>
> Based on "Mobile Suit Gundam" created by Yoshiyuki Tomino and Hajime Yadate
>
>
>
> Chapter 9: Under Pressure
>
> *****
>
>
>
>                "That was indeed an outstanding display of combat skill,
> father." Victoria said, as the footage replayed on the screen.  "If Forge's
> supersoldiers are able to reproduce that level of performance whenever
> required, they should have no difficulty in dominating the battlefield.  Of
> course, the Mobile Suits your company helped develop were also a factor."
>

A large screen in a black room? The players are wearing nothing? No hints
of their distinguishing marks/clothing?


>
>
>
>                "I'm glad you can appreciate them."  Albert Castella said.
>
>
>
>                Victoria smiled.  "Father, I think I may be able to surmise
> the identity of one of the other senior partners within Forge."
>

Maybe the word deduced rather than surmise.


>
>
>
>                "Do go on."
>
>
>
>                "To even consider making the kinds of alterations that would
> allow enhanced humans such as myself or the supersoldiers to exist, you
> would need a firm specialising in cutting-edge biotechnology, ideally one
> with significant space-based holdings.  Stella Verde Bioprojects fulfils
> both of those qualifications.  They have enjoyed considerable success in
> creating bioengineered livestock designed to live on the Moon and Mars, as
> well as creating and marketing the first human cellular rejuvenation
> technology.  Therefore, that senior partner is Gabriella Wang."  There was
> no need for Victoria to remind her father of her position as SVB's owner.
> Their anti-aging technology had proven workable, but was prohibitively
> expensive, and therefore restricted to the ultra-rich.
>
>
>
>                "Well deduced, Victoria, you are correct.  Mrs. Wang is
> indeed one of the senior members of Forge, and provided much of the
> technology needed to make the kinds of alterations involved in this
> project."
>

Talking head syndrome again. You don't even obliquely suggest who is
talking and its strictly only two people.


>
>
>
>                "And, while there are other high-ranking figures of
> government and business involved, the two of you would be considered the
> prime movers behind the project."
>
>
>
>                "That's essentially correct." Albert said in a half-hearted
> attempt at humility.  "You seem to understand most of what is involved."
>
>
>
>                "Although there is one thing I do not understand, Father."
> Victoria said.  "Forge's reasons cannot be to simply spur human evolution
> for its own sake.  The very basics of capitalism would preclude such a
> massive investment of both money and time from being done simply for
> ideological purposes, but the potential financial returns on such a project
> do not seem high enough for the project to be done in the name of profit.
> So what I wish to know is, what do you hope to gain from this?"
>
>
>
>                Her father looked at her, perhaps a hint of wistfulness in
> his eyes.  "You are correct.  If my goal were simply profit, there would be
> no point in doing any of this.  My own funds are more than enough to retire
> on, and I would want for nothing.  But I believe we all desire something
> beyond our own wealth and comfort.  My goal is to leave behind a legacy, a.
> gift, if you will, to humanity, that will help it surpass its current
> limitations.  Not for the sake of fame, but simply for the sake of my own
> sense of accomplishment."
>
>
>
>                "I understand, father.  I hope that I will be able to
> provide the leadership required to help the new breed of humanity to reach
> the potential you dream of."
>

Hmm. Not much behind their thought processes. No emotional cues are really
shown.


>
>
> *****
>
>
>
> Pallas
>

Perhaps to symbolize the scene change a full name and the location?


>
>
>
> "Geez, Lieutenant, how long are you gonna spend on that?"
>
>
>
> I heard Paul Matthews' voice behind me as I re-watched footage of the
> battles between Athene and myself, scrutinizing for any tiny slip or
> split-second hesitation that I may have been able to take advantage of.
> Against an opponent of Athene's calibre, any such flaw would need to be
> seized upon in an instant if it were to prove decisive in battle.
>

On a large screen in their bunk room? Office? Tablet in her hand?


>
>
>
> "Lieutenant?"
>
>
>
> "As long as I possibly can." I replied, a little annoyed.  "It wouldn't
> hurt
> you and Perez to do a little more research on the Gundams, either, before
> we
> deploy."
>
>
>
> "Hey, you know what they say about all work and no play."
>
>
>
> "Yeah, you told me that before.  But supersoldiers don't "play", Matthews.
> If you want to enjoy yourself, go and find Perez - if you haven't just been
> doing that.   And don't come crying to me when you end up losing in
> battle."
>
>
>
>
> "Geez, I did explain the "squadmates with benefits" thing before.  It
> wouldn't hurt you to give it a shot."
>

Hmm. Quotes *within* spoken sentences are usually shown with single-quotes
rather than the sentence double-quotes (so you don't confuse people in
thinking the spoken part is ended abruptly.


>
>
>
> "And I explained that I have precisely zero desire to ever do so."
>
>
>
> *****
>
>
>
> "Our intelligence indicates that the Lunapact Forces are currently massing
> for an attack on Moresby Base." Captain Monash said.  "If they are
> successful in taking it, they will have a staging point from which to send
> their forces to Earth.  At the same time, the Commonwealth's own capacity
> for sending Earth-based forces to space will be reduced by approximately
> forty per cent, and will become reliant on the other two major LEO bases,
> Nairobi and Amazon, both of which have lesser capacity than Moresby.
>
>
>
> "We expect, and our analysis of their forces' movements indicates, that the
> Lunapact forces will attempt to attack from as many angles as possible.
> Given the difficulties of attacking from within Earth's gravity well, that
> means a roughly hemispherical formation.
>
>
>
> "Our task, following the initial wave of artillery barrages, will be to
> engage the Lunapact elite mobile suit forces, and keep them away from
> Moresby Base.  We will be joined by the Carriers Beersheba and Khyber for
> this operation."
>
>
>
> "Ensign Yamada, you have a question?"
>
>
>
>                "Yes, ma'am.  No disrespect, but shouldn't Ensign Gold be
> here for this?  I mean, even if she's off combat duty, she ought to know."
>
>
>
>                "I've excused her from this briefing" Captain Monash said.
> "Lieutenant McDermott recommended she be given some time to cool her head.
> Of course, all relevant operational data will be forwarded to Metis for
> her."
>
>
>
>                "Well, if she's not going to be here, what's the plan for
> handling Lunapact's supersoldier?"
>
>
>
>                "Concentrate on defense, and try and draw her away from her
> squadmates, or disable them if possible." Monash answered.  "Once you've
> managed that, you can try and double-team her - but remember, our main
> objective is to prevent Lunapact from taking the base.  Don't get carried
> away with fighting her if you can help it."
>
>
>
>                "Because fighting a supersoldier who's out for blood with
> our own one benched sounds like such a fun time." Shane muttered under his
> breath.  If his comment caught Monash's ears, she chose to ignore it.
>
>
>
>                "We expect combat to begin in six hours.  Be ready."
>

There was no scene context here at all. I'm assuming something like
Battlestar Galactica's mission planning room with an officer up front at a
podium and rows of desks/seats like an auditorium... but really there's
nothing but named talking heads that I don't connect to.



>
>
>
> *****
>
> Six Hours Later
>
>
>
> Athene
>
>
>
> I kept my expression calm as I stood on the gantry watching McDermott and
> Yamada prepare to board their Gundams, and tried not to let the leaden
> sensation that grew in my stomach show on my face, even as I struggled to
> put a name to it.  Was it shame, due to my suspension from active duty?
> Concern for their safety without me being in the fight?  Jealousy, because
> they were getting to take part in battle while I was denied the
> opportunity?
> Some combination of the three?  Ultimately, I couldn't answer.  All I could
> be certain about was the palpable sensation that this should not be.
>
>
>
> "Hey."  I felt Yamada's glove on my cheek.
>
>
>
> "..."
>

??? Who is not speaking here? What else are they doing?


>
>
>
> "Yamada. be, uh."  I struggled to keep my expression level.  "What I'm
> trying to say is, well, uh. be careful out there."
>

The spelling an punctuation in this sentence needs some serious help.

"Yamada. Be... uh..."  I struggled to keep my expression level even if my
emotions were turbulent.  "What I'm
trying to say is... Well, uh, be careful out there."



>
>
>
> With those words, my struggle came to an end, and I hung my head, ashamed
> to
> look him in the eye.  "That sounded so fucking pathetic.  Like the hero's
> girlfriend in some of those shows you watch."
>
>
>
> "It didn't seem pathetic to me."  Yamada said.  "I understand that it must
> hurt that you're stuck on the sidelines."
>

Missed the ," person said punctuation here.


>
>
> "You don't understand!  I'm seeing you two about to go out there, and I'm
> stuck here and supended from duty and I'm a liability and it's all my
> fault,
> and."
>

I 100% totally approve of the over use of 'and' here, BTW. Usually when
someone interrupts or their sentence is chopped off, you use a '-' Here you
would use:

Athene started speaking quickly and very intently. "You don't understand!
I'm seeing you two about to go out there and I'm stuck here and suspended
from duty and I'm a liability and it's all my fault and-"


>
>
>
> "Alright, I don't understand!" Shane said, but just as I expected him to
> become argumentative, he instead calmed down.  "But maybe part of that is
> you keeping everything bottled up.  Even a supersoldier like you has
> emotions, and you need to release them every once in a while.  Don't get so
> hung up on how you should behave that you forget that."
>
>
>
> "Athene, being out of the fight hurts for you, I do understand that much.
> But I know you're going to come through this, and me and Alan are going to
> be alive to see it.  So, yeah, I'll be careful out there."  He turned and
> headed for the Lightning Gundam's cockpit.
>
>
>
> "Oh, yeah, and if you do get stuck watching from the sidelines, I'll buy
> you
> a cheerleader outfit!  And pom-poms!"
>

Only slightly confusing that it was one speaker across three paragraphs. I
think that should have been maybe *two* at most.


>
>
> "Arsehole!"
>
>
>
> Shane laughed as the cockpit door closed.
>
>
>
> *****
>
> Pallas
>
>
>
>                As I launched from the cockpit, my eyes scanned over the
> enemy battlelines before me.  Our objective was the capture of the
> octahedral base the Commonwealth fleet was guarding, but I had my own,
> personal goal in mind.
>
>
>
>                "Athene, I'll prove to you that I'm number one."
>
>
>
>                There was nothing remotely interesting in the first line of
> defending forces - just a bunch of GR series grunts sent to try and hold us
> up.  Needless to say, they failed.  I barely had to even slow down to shoot
> them as we tore through their formation.
>
>
>
>                I continued, looking for Athene, and eventually I laid eyes
> on two mobile suits, barely more than specks in the distance on my screen -
> I doubt anyone lacking my enhanced senses would have even noticed them.  I
> adjusted my heading towards them, wondering somewhere in the back of my
> mind
> where the third one was, and as I approached, I saw that they were the red
> and blue Gundam units - not-Athene, and not-Athene.
>

Hmm. There should be some combat intelligence computer highlighting combat
units on the screen when they appear, right? The Mark I eyeball should not
be the first indication of 'enemy spotted'.


>
>
>
>                Where was she?  And what was she up to?
>
>
>
>                Oh, well, I could take care of these two while I was waiting
> for her.
>
>
>
> *****
>
> Athene
>
>
>
>                After McDermott and Yamada deployed, I spotted Khadija
> making her way to her mobile suit.  I tried to ignore her, but she caught
> sight of me, and pushed off her gantry to make her way over to me.
>
>
>
>                "What are you doing here?" I asked, doing my best to glare
> unsettlingly at her.
>
>
>
>                "Well, from your body language, it's obvious that you're
> upset, and."
>
>
>
>                "It's got nothing to do with you!  Why do you even care,
> anyway?  Don't you have LunaPact pilots to save?"
>
>
>
>                "No, I, and the rest of the IPMC, have got lives to save.
> Which side they're on doesn't enter into it.  But before that. I heard what
> happened, and I understand that."
>
>
>
>                "Not this again!  If Yamada and McDermott can't understand
> me, then you're sure as hell not gonna be able to!  You're not even a
> soldier!"
>
>
>
>                She stared me right back in the face, with a look in her
> eyes I had never seen before, and couldn't name.  As if she were reaching
> out through them towards the scource of pain in my mind, trying to find
> words that would be a balm with which to soothe it.
>
>
>
>                "Maybe "understand" was the wrong word."  She said, her
> voice softening.  "But even if I don't understand you, I can still tell
> that
> you're suffering, and I hate to see people suffering.  So, even if we don't
> get along, I'm going to be there for you if you need me.  Even if it's to
> take your anger out on."
>
>
>
>                She turned, pushed back off the gantry, and floated back to
> her cockpit, back towards the Cadecus.  "Well, I shouldn't delay any more.
> I'll see you when I get back."
>
>
>
> *****
>
>
>
>                "Uh, Sir, is that what I think it is?" Shane asked as he
> caught sight of the now-familiar black-and-white shape in the distance.  He
> jinked to the right as a beam of energy from the MS in question shot
> through
> where his Gundam had been a split-second ago.
>
>
>
>                "Yeah, it is.  Remember our plan, Yamada."
>
>
>
>                "Roger that."  Another beam sizzled past Shane as he barely
> managed to dodge aside and avoid it.  For now, the Sirius was out ahead of
> its squadmates, but Shane was aware the two Denebs were likely not far off,
> and when they arrived, the situation into a three-on-two.
>
>
>
>                "Where's Athene?" Pallas' voice came over the comms, short
> and to the point.  Just like Athene.  Shane recalled how he had managed to
> beat her in their first simulated battle, by taunting her into acting
> rashly.  This wasn't like in the sims - as realistic as they were, they
> couldn't replicate the intensity and danger of real combat.  And he knew
> that it had gotten harder and harder to trick her or taunt her into acting
> rashly when he had faced Athene in subsequent sim battles.
>
>
>
>                Still, it's worth a shot.  Stay on the defensive, wait for
> an opportunity to present itself.
>
>
>
>                "She decided she couldn't be bothered with you.  So we get
> to play instead."
>
>
>
>                There was no reply on the radio, but yellow light flared as
> the Sirius drew its beam saber.  Shane opened up the throttle, turned, and
> boosted in the opposite direction - supersoldier or not, he was sure his
> opponent couldn't match the Lightning Gundam's raw speed.  He couldn't
> leave
> her in the "dust" too easily, though - he needed to keep her close enough
> that he could take advantage if an opportunity presented itself.
>

Oh, very nice here, though maybe a bit more description in the cockpit and
of the MS themselves.


>
>
>
> *****
>
>
>
> Athene
>
>
>
>                Sitting on standby in the Gale Gundam's cockpit felt like
> solitary confinement to me as I watched the battle progress, wanting with
> my
> whole being to leap into the fray, yet unable to be anything more than a
> spectator.  I still couldn't shake the leaden feeling in my gut from
> McDermott's criticism after the last sortie, and disobeying him would only
> prove his point.  That I was a liability - which meant I was flawed.  That,
> in turn, would mean that the whole supersoldier project was flawed, and
> thus
> non-viable.  Therefore, there would be no use for my siblings.  And
> therefore, they would be disposed of.
>
>
>
>                "I don't want to be a liability." I whispered into the
> darkness, to nobody.
>
>
>
>                Don't worry, my pilot.  I sat bolt upright in surprise at
> the voice, even though I had, subconsciously, always known she was there.
>
>
>
>                "Metis?"
>
>
>
>                You made a mistake, Athene.  Metis said.  But you can
> correct it.  Think.  Why was Lieutenant McDermott so angry at you?
>
>
>
>                "Because I disobeyed his orders?"
>
>
>
>                That is part of the explanation, but by itself not
> sufficient.  Think more.
>
>
>
>                Metis was right, I realised.  I recalled McDermott's story
> of his old squadron, the botched operation they had taken part in, and his
> anger towards his superiors who had gotten many of them killed due to poor
> planning.  Of the sense of duty he felt toward his companions and
> subordinates, and how, ultimately, he felt it was acceptable to disobey his
> superiors in order to protect them.  And yet, what I had done was.
>
>
>
>                "I endangered my fellow pilots."
>
>
>
>                Correct.
>
>
>
>                I looked at the monitors showing the battle, searching for
> McDermott and Yamada.  McDermott was engaging the two Denebs at the moment,
> and looked to be holding his own, his experience counting for enough even
> in
> a two-on-one.  Yamada's Lightning Gundam, however, was being pursued by a
> familiar black-and-white MS, and as much as I respected his skills and,
> even
> more importantly, his ability to do the unexpected, I knew the odds are not
> in his favour.
>
>
>
>                But if I did sortie, I knew that combative urge that
> happened when I faced Pallas would rise within me.  What if I lost control
> again?
>
>
>
>                Don't worry, my pilot.  You have something to hold on to.
> Just remember that.
>
>
>
>                "I understand, Metis."
>
>
>
>                McDermott and Yamada were my squadmates.  It was my duty to
> assist them in battle, whoever the enemy might be.  Even if it was Pallas.
>
>
>
>                "Captain, this is Athene Gold.  Requesting permission to
> sortie."
>
>
>
>                "Ensign Gold, you are under orders to remain on standby."
>
>
>
>                "I know, ma'am.  But I want to help my squadron."
>
>
>
>                "If you had stated any other reason, ensign, I would have
> activated your Gundam's shutdown command."  Captain Monash said warmly.
> "But I was monitoring your conversation with Metis, and it seems you've
> realised your mistake.  Permission granted."
>
>
>
>                "Roger.  Ensign Athene Gold, Gale Gundam, launching!"
>

Not surprising, but very interesting. How did she over-ride the launch
officers and ground crew to actually launch herself during combat though?


>
>
> *****
>
>
>
>               Sweat poured down Shane's forehead as he once again barely
> managed to dodge a shot from the Sirius.  His breathing was becoming
> heavier, he noticed, and the sweat threatened to drop into his eyes,
> obscuring his vision.  Before long, he feared, his reflexes would begin to
> slow, and he had serious doubts about his ability to avoid more attacks
> once
> that happened.
>
>
>
>                Gotta take a gamble.  He thought to himself.  If I can duck
> out of her view for a second, there's a chance.  In his peripheral vision,
> he spied a Commonwealth cruiser, and turned toward it, pushing the boosters
> to full and once again just managing to avoid the Sirius' fire.  His rear
> camera showed the Sirius in pursuit as he passed under the cruiser and
> swung
> up, launching a volley of missiles as he did so.
>
>
>
>                As the Sirius dodged Shane's missiles and the cruiser's
> point defence system, Shane completed his loop, swinging around and drawing
> his beam saber, rushing at full thrust toward the Sirius' back.
>
>
>
>                It almost worked.
>
>
>
>                At the last split-second, the Sirius swung around, knocking
> the Lightning Gundam's beam saber aside with its shield, and ramming its
> knee into the Gundam's torso.  Shane felt as though his head were suddenly
> filled with sand, blurring his vision and preventing him from thinking
> straight, and when he recovered, he saw that the Sirius was about to thrust
> its beam saber straight at his cockpit, and knew he had no hope of avoiding
> it.
>
>
>
>                There was a flash of pink-white energy, and Shane took a
> moment before his mind registered the fact that he wasn't dead.  The Sirius
> had been forced to pull back from him to avoid the shot that had flashed
> between them, a shot fired from a familiar green-and-white mobile suit.
>
>
>
>                "Shane, you did well.  Sorry I cut it so close." Athene
> said, as the Gale Gundam and the Sirius turned to face each other.
>
>
>
> END CHAPTER 9
>
>
>
> NEXT CHAPTER: "The Winner"


Definitely looking forward to Chapter 10 and hopefully soon! :)



-- 
Arthur Hansen
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