[FFML] [fanfic][Ranma] Blackmail

[Brian Randall]

Wow, I had some ... issues with the content.  I can't explain those
constructively, so....  Meh, me and my silly biases. :)

To keep this constructive, I'll keep those entirely to myself and offer
technical and stylistic suggestions only.  I'm afraid this means I can
offer no serious comments on characterization.

Incidentally, it's nice to see you again, Kara.

On Thu, Apr 19, 2012 at 5:39 PM, June Geraci <karaohki at snet.net> wrote:

>
> A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction by June "KaraOhki" Geraci.
> Started June 29, 2003, completed April 18, 2012
>

Aged to perfection (plus two days).


> Serenity.  Ranma had achieved serenity as he moved through his kata, and
> he reveled in the peace he found in the dojo.  A small bird sat just
> outside the door, trilling happily, and that added to his contentment.
>

The structure of these sentences feels a bit stilted--  I think it's mostly
just because there's an identical construction between the second and third.

I'd flesh this out a little bit; something like:

Serenity.  <Small action line>  Peace.  <small action line> Tranquility.
 <small action line>; <exposition on the environment>

This foreshadows the coming disruption a bit; makes it slightly 'punchier'.



> It wasn't until Kasumi approached Ranma and touched his shoulder that he
> became aware of her presence.  Unfortunately, her touch caused him to jump
> so high that he ended up clinging to one of the ceiling beams. Kasumi
> couldn't help but giggle at him when he dropped down to the floor.
>

'Unfortunately' -- is this narrator opinion?  I'm going to say before I
continue, this is totally a nitpick.  You can ignore this (or any other
commentary) you don't find helpful. ;)

I'd go with 'unexpectedly' to keep the narrator neutral, which you
otherwise do throughout the fic very consistently.



> "I'm sorry, Ranma.  I DID say hello more than once."
>

Noting here that you're avoiding speech indicators.  This is probably fine,
but pointing out that you would have the option to sneak something between
Kasumi's sentences if you wanted:

"I'm sorry, Ranma," the eldest Tendo sister said with a contrite giggle.
 "I _did_ say 'hello' more than once."

On the other hand, this is a short oneshot, so you may be happier with the


> Ranma blushed, embarrassed.  Only Kasumi had the ability to sneak up on
> him unnoticed, and he momentarily wondered if she did it on purpose before
> dismissing the idea.  "Didja want something, Kasumi?"
>

And Dr. Tofu (but this is a detail that doesn't add much, so is easily
ignored)!



> "Could you possibly deliver something for me?  Mrs. Katayama isn't feeling
> very well, and I did some cooking for her.  Her husband is simply helpless
> in the kitchen."


I think the 'and' in the second sentence should be a 'so'?


> "Sure, no problem."
>
> Kasumi smiled.  "It's on the counter whenever you're ready."  She returned
> to the house, failing to notice Nabiki pressed against the wall just
> outside the dojo door.
>

Extra pointless nitpick: Ranma already knows where they live (again, a
detail that may not need to be addressed, as it probably adds nothing to
the story to do so).


> A few minutes later Ranma left the house carrying a rather large hamper.
>  Nabiki watched the clock for ten minutes before picking up the phone.


Huh!  Hamper means 'basket' in the generic sense, even though I'm more
familiar with it as 'something you stuff dirty laundry into'.  Actually, in
retrospect, I think I've seen this used in the same way in fantasy novels.
 Interesting.


> "Ukyo, I thing you should know where Ranma is going right now."
>

thing --> think



> Somewhat out of breath from her run, Nabiki stationed herself behind a
> hedge on Yanagi Lane, camera in hand, waiting to see the fireworks.
>

Hm, the transition from speaking with Ukyou is a bit abrupt.  I would
suggest fleshing this out a bit more:

Smirking in triumph at the expected dead air, Nabiki hung up, hurrying out
of the house and jogging to the best vantage she knew of for the expected
collision.

(or something)



> *****
>
> Sometime later, Ranma returned to the Tendo home.  His clothing was torn,
> his hair was coming out of its pigtail, and he was missing one shoe.
>  Kasumi emerged from the kitchen drying her hands, and dropped the towel on
> the floor.


We don't need the 'sometime later' (and I think it should be 'some time
later', anyway), since this immediately follows a scene transition.  We
know that circumstances are different thanks to the break; instead, I think
you might want to change the opener for this scene a bit to something that
shows the detail without just telling it.  Something like:

Worn and irate from his trials, Ranma limped through the door of the Tendo
home.  <etc.>


> "What happened to you?"


Mildly jarring; we see from the next line who the speaker is, but you could
offset it slightly better by showing that Kasumi is present (just have her
gasp or look concerned about Ranma's arrival).  You could also have her
address Ranma by name, to better show that he's not the speaker, but that
can probably already be inferred easily enough.


> Ranma removed his remaining shoe and grimaced.  "Shampoo and Ukyo
> happened.  They ambushed me and got into a huge fight with each other about
> who was going to take me home with them.  When I said I didn't want to go
> home with either of them they stopped fighting with each other and took it
> out on me."
>
> Kasumi gasped.  "Oh, no.  Did they ruin--"
>

Wait, my suggestion for her gasping earlier would lead to repetition.  Ah
... in that case, this could be revised to something like:

"Oh, no," Kasumi fretted.  "Did they ruin--"


> "No.  They found me when I was coming back.  I need a bath."  Ranma turned
> around and then turned back.  "By the way, Mr. Katayama says thanks.  I
> think he must've been tryin' to cook something, because the house seemed
> kinda smoky when he opened the door.  For a second I thought Akane was
> visiting."  Ranma flinched as he finished speaking, and looked around for
> his fiancée.


As a general note, you use a lot of very short sentences like this
one: Ranma turned around and then turned back.

It's grammatically fine, but they feel very much 'tell' and not 'show'.  A
little detail can go a long way, and help make the scene provide a greater
sense of immersion:

Ranma turned toward the furo and took a single step before pausing and
turning back.

This is for many of your shorter sentences.


> Kasumi laughed.  "You were lucky this time.  Akane went shopping." Then
> her face grew serious.  "Don't you think it's about time you stopped saying
> things like that?"


Drop the 'then' from the narration nested in dialog.


> Later in the day, Ranma was trying to puzzle out the answers to a homework
> assignment when an envelope was shoved under his door.  He opened it and
> discovered photographs from the fiasco of that morning. Both Ukyo and
> Shampoo had been all over him, but whoever took the pictures made them look
> as if he had been the one doing the grabbing. A note accompanied the
> photographs, and Ranma grimaced when he recognized Nabiki's writing.


Instead of 'later in the day', which feels a bit mechanical, maybe
something along the lines of, 'after recovering from the ordeal'?  The 'of
that morning' bit adequately addresses the timeframe clarification issue.

That is an amazing skill to make photos look a specific way.

Suggest 'had selected only the pictures that made it look as though he was
the aggressor' or the like.  Otherwise it sounds like Nabiki's a wiz with
photoshop.

Nabiki: "Well, maybe I _am_!"

I said no characterization comments.

Nabiki: "...I can't figure out a fee for that.  YET."

Lucky for me; I'd probably better hurry. <_<;


> He hurried to obey the summons.  Nabiki sat inside the dojo, looking for
> all the world as if she owned it, and Ranma got the sinking feeling that
> she looked as if she owned him as well.  There were several photographs in
> front of her.
>

That second sentence is a bit sticky.

Okay ... suggest:

it, and Ranma -- it; Ranma

And I'd switch the second instance of 'looked' for 'thought' -- Ranma can
_tell_ if she looks like she owns him; he's looking right at her.  He can't
tell what she's thinking, so his 'sinking feeling' applying to that I think
fits slightly better?

Maybe instead of 'several photographs' 'more of the photographs'?

Apologies if this is coming across as overbearing, and let me re-iterate
that you should completely disregard anything that's not helpful here. :)

Additionally, if anyone thinks my comments are off and has a superior
suggestion -- by all means, let's hear it!

Ranma just glared at her.
>

Another example of a sentence falling flat.  Not that I'm saying it needs
to be stretched out hugely, but maybe something like:

Ranma mustered a silent glare in reply.


> "What do you want from me?"  The words came out in a growl, and Nabiki
> smiled.
>

Hm, another one of those mechanical sentences.  It's very formulaic 'this
and then that'.  Try shifting word order around, adding minor descriptors,
and generally reaching for slightly more dynamic word-choices.  Also
(though it's debatable how relevant this is, since you're not _typically_
hooking your dialog into narration) In this case, I'd suggest something
along the lines of:

"What do you want from me?" Ranma growled, prompting Nabiki to smirk.

Ranma crossed his arms and nodded, but his face showed his suspicion.
>

Hmm.  This feels awkward, too, but it's hard for me to pin down why.  I
think I'd just simplify it a bit, personally (you could go another
direction entirely):

Ranma crosses his arms and raised his eyebrows doubtfully.


> Nabiki waved her hands.  "Yes, yes, I know.  But the local shopkeepers
> don't see it that way.  Have you ever noticed how nervous they get when you
> walk by?  Some of them even start protecting their breakables."  When
> Nabiki got no reply, she continued.  "Now if there was a way for the local
> merchants to have some kind of advance warning when there was going to be
> trouble, they could pull in their stands, lock up their merchandise, and
> save themselves some money."


Waved her hands?  In a shooing gesture?  A placating one?

In my mind, based on the scene, it's dismissively.  Suggest something like:

Nabiki waved a hand as if to brush Ranma's objection aside.  "Yes, yes, I
know," she noted dismissively.  "The local shopkeepers, ....



> "So?"
>
> "So here's what we're going to do."  Nabiki spoke for quite a long time
> and then stopped, waiting for Ranma's reaction.
>
> "No.  I won't do it."
>

Oooh, implied action.  I'd suggest making the time compression bit a tad
punchier (more active!  more dynamic!) and also separating it out into its
own line.  This is not any rule of grammar I know of, but I feel that
separating it out lends impact; this is an important sentence to the story,
even if it doesn't say a whole lot (which is always a fun tool in
storytelling).


> "But--"
>
> Ranma held up a hand.  "I don't want any part of it."  Nabiki opened her
> mouth to speak, but a gesture from Ranma made her stop.  "And I don't care
> if you tell Akane!  She'll beat the crap out of me and forget about it."


Held up a hand to forestall further comments?  (This is another
uber-pointless nitpick; a little more detail there would bring us into the
scene better, though, and it could be read as him raising a hand as if to
ask a teacher something.)

Nabiki: "Yes, you, the only person here--  Your question?"

Ranma looked suspiciously at the small envelope Nabiki handed him. Rather
> than open it, he looked at her.


Pointing this out as a very well constructed bit, since I don't want this
to turn into a wall of nitpicks.  This is a great example of showing
instead of telling. :)


> "My WHAT?"  Ranma tore the envelope open, and a bankbook fell out. Upon
> examination, Ranma discovered that the book had his name on it, and that
> there were several deposits.  He threw the book at Nabiki, who caught it
> gracefully.  "I don't want this.  You're cheating those folks out of their
> money by setting up trouble.  Maybe I should tell them what you're up to."
>

Maybe instead of 'upon examination' something like:

Snatching it before it could hit the ground and flipping through it, Ranma
discovered....

Nabiki waved the book at him.  "How are you going to explain this?  It
> looks to me like you're a willing participant in this--how will it look to
> everyone else?"
>

Ranma: "Better question: Who's going to believe that _I_ filled one of
these things out?"
Nabiki: "It's plausible!"
Ranma: "With this level of diligence and accuracy?"
Nabiki: "Fortunately for me, you're a bit too full of yourself to realize
that or make that argument."
Ranma: "...damn, you got me there.  YOU WIN THIS ROUND, TENDO!"


> Akane peeked into Ranma's room and found it empty.  She frowned, and
> headed downstairs and into the dojo.  It too was empty, so she returned
> upstairs and knocked on Nabiki's door.
>

Second sentence -- a bit stilted again.  Maybe just make it a bit more
active:

She frowned, heading downstairs and into the dojo.

Last bit is also a lot more of that somewhat mechanical construction of
'this, so that'. >_>;

Sorry to keep harping on that.  Especially for something you probably
haven't touched in, erm, ten years -- but I think it's worth pointing out.


> Akane sat down on her sister's bed and frowned.  "He won't tell me where
> he's been.  I think maybe he's spending time with the other girls."
>

Akane frowned earlier, and now she frowned again.  I'd suggest something to
add variety or slightly greater expression to her on these?  It's a bit ...
flat.


> "Right." Ranma looked down and saw the Amazon approaching on her bicycle.
>  "Looks like she's heading towards Lee's stand.  You want me to go down
> now?"
>
> "No.  Let her make her delivery, and then just stroll by.  You should know
> what to do by now!"
>

It's dialog, so this really happens, but I'd suggest dropping the 'now'
from the end of Ranma's remark to avoid repetition.


> "Well get to it!"  Nabiki sounded rather impatient.  "I've got to start
> warning the shopkeepers."  The call was cut off, and Ranma shoved the phone
> in his pocket and continued to watch Shampoo.  When Mousse ducked into an
> alley he jumped from the roof and made sure he was standing right behind
> Shampoo when she made her delivery.  When she turned around, her reaction
> was predictable.
>

I ... think there should be a comma after 'Well', but I can't say that with
absolute confidence.

I would suggest starting a new paragraph with 'The call was cut...',
however.


> Mousse ran down the street, trying to keep Shampoo in view in front of
> him.  Lately she'd been running into Saotome much too often.  He watched
> her make her delivery and accept payment, and he ducked into an alley so
> she wouldn't see him as she passed on her way back.  It took a second or
> two for him to realize that she hadn't passed him yet.
>

I'd suggest dropping 'in front of him' from the first sentence.

Second sentence ... feels like it wants something more to lend it impact.
 We're third person limited now, so it's not the narrator that has the
opinion (which is fine), but it could be kicked up a notch, and also more
explicitly tied to Mousse instead of the narration.  Bam!:

Lately, she'd been running into Saotome far too often for Mousse's taste.

A fairly subtle change. :)


> "Did she take another route?" he muttered to himself.  "That would be a
> waste of time."  Mousse emerged from the alley and clenched his fists.
>  Shampoo's bicycle lay on the ground, wheels turning, while she held onto
> Ranma for all she was worth.  It failed to register with Mousse that Ranma
> didn't look all that happy.  Then again, he had once more failed to wear
> his glasses.
>

I think the first instance of Mousse could be changed to 'he'.  If you're
worried about the previous male reference being 'Saotome', then that also
needs to be addressed with the (current) first instance of 'he'.  But using
'he' in both places should be fine, I think, especially since they're even
further clarified later in the paragraph.

Nabiki's phone rang, and she hurried to grab it.  "Yes?"
>
> "Change of plans!"  Ranma sounded breathless.  "We're heading toward the
> fish market!  Can you handle it?"
>
> "Try to stall!  I'm on it!"  Nabiki cut the call off and began dialing for
> all she was worth.
>

This feels really abrupt; it's probably just my opinion, but I think this
needs to be fleshed out a bit. :x


> When Ranma finally got home, Akane took one look at his condition and
> began yelling.
>
> "You've been in another fight!  Who was it this time?"
>

Suggestion:  End the first sentence (above) with a colon.


> Akane's ranting attracted the attention of her father, and Ranma's. Genma
> wasted no time in joining the scene. "What an ungrateful son I have!  He
> has a beautiful fiancée, and instead of paying her the attention she
> deserves, he chases other women!"
>

'her father, and Ranma's' is (I think) correct, but I think it's also
smoother if you just go with 'their fathers' or 'their respective fathers'
if you're worried. :)


> Soun had his own take on the situation.  He burst into tears, and gathered
> his daughter into his arms.  "My poor baby!  Go ahead and cry, Akane.
>  Daddy will take care of you."
>

The comma in the second sentence is unnecessary.


> Within seconds, Akane twisted out of her father's grasp, and gave him a
> withering look.  "Do you see me crying, Daddy?  Why should I cry over that
> pervert?"
>

The second comma in the first sentence isn't necessary either.


> Nabiki watched the scene deteriorate from her perch on the stairs before
> quietly going up to her room to count her money.
>

I think this needs some emotional impact.  It's implied that Nabiki is
indifferent, but if she's the Designated Villain of the piece, you should
show that a little better.  Show that maybe she's bored, or that she can't
figure out a way to make money off pictures of it, so she just goes to
count her money instead.



> "Where did you see him?  Which way is he headed?  Got it, thanks!" Nabiki
> closed her phone, stuck it in her pocket, and went looking for Ranma.  This
> was the first time Ryoga had turned up in Nerima in weeks, and she wasn't
> going to miss out on the opportunity to make some money.
>

Just a thought, but instead of 'make some money' maybe 'make some more
money' at this point?  Somehow, I'm not sure why,


> To her surprise, Ranma wasn't in the dojo.  A quick check of the roof
> proved it to be unoccupied, and Nabiki descended the ladder, feeling a
> little bit concerned.  If she didn't locate Ranma quickly, Ryoga was quite
> capable of wandering off and vanishing.  Perhaps Akane knew where he was.
>  Her little sister wasn't talking to her fiancé, but that didn't mean she'd
> stopped keeping track of his whereabouts.


Instead of 'feeling', maybe drop the word?  She is (or should be)
legitimately concerned.  It's about money, not Ranma, but still.

"Akane, have you seen--" as Akane's bedroom door swung open, she realized
> her little sister's room was empty.  A second glance made Nabiki think it
> was empty in more ways than one.  Akane's hairbrush was missing, and the
> backpack she kept on the floor in the corner wasn't there.  A few moments'
> snooping provided the information that some of her little sister's clothes
> were missing.
>

think --> realize (?) It's not speculation, really.

Though, if you take that suggestion:

information -- confirmation



> Intending to check Ranma's room, Nabiki whirled about and ran into the
> hallway, where she narrowly avoided crashing into her older sister. Kasumi
> was standing there, with the serious look she only wore when she was being
> the substitute mother to her younger sisters.


This could use a little more 'zaz' as well -- Nabiki wheeling to a halt,
catching herself on a doorframe, etc.  Otherwise (and yeah, I'm probably
hyper-nitpicking because of my issues, but there may be _some_ merit to
this), it can lend the impression that Nabiki runs past Kasumi.  The second
sentence does clarify it a bit, but it's somewhat rough and could be
polished up. :)


> "Kasumi, is Ranma--"
>
> "He's not here."  The fact that Kasumi had actually interrupted her
> silenced Nabiki, who waited for her to continue.  "He left you this."
> Nabiki automatically held out her hand, and Kasumi placed an envelope in
> it.  Kasumi turned around and walked away, but not before giving Nabiki a
> disapproving look that shook her down to her toes.  She glanced down at the
> envelope, and locked herself in her bedroom to see what it contained.


I'd break the second sentence (Nabiki's response) out into its own
paragraph for impact (but, I do this a lot, and not many people follow that
same stylistic guideline).

Apologies; going to skip over the content of the letter.  ^_^;;

Here the handwriting changed, and Nabiki gasped when she realized who was
> writing the next part of the letter.
>

Hmmm.  I'm not sure about using 'here'.  While the meaning is clear enough,
it doesn't parse as smoothly as I think it _could_.  Maybe just, "At that
point," or "In the following paragraph", or even "The next line contained
writing in an entirely different hand," or the like?


> The handwriting changed again, and Nabiki's heart sank when she realized
> who Akane and Ranma had gone to for help.
>

And similar for this.


> Nabiki turned to the last sheet, and saw that the writing belonged to
> Ranma again.
>

This one stands out as slightly less emotive -- then again, that's probably
justifiable since it's not a new revelation.  Something about 'belonged to
Ranma' feels awkward; I'd suggest simplifying as 'writing was Ranma's
again' or the like.


> "Me and Akane, we figured this was a good time to get out of town. It's
> not going to be too nice to be in the house for a while.  Nobody would dare
> be mean to Kasumi, so she should be fine.  But you?  You probably don't
> know this, but I've been watching your back for a long time.  Some of the
> people you've taken advantage of have wanted to come after you, and I've
> 'convinced' them not to.  But as of today, you're on your own.  So I took
> the money you gave me out of the bank this morning, right after Akane and I
> got married.  Yeah, you read that right.  See ya in a couple of weeks.  Oh,
> and I'd be tiptoeing around Akane when we get back.  I've seen her mad
> before, but this is way worse than anything I've EVER seen.
>

The one suggestion I can make is that Ranma's writing would probably not
use commas.  (Yeah, Japanese <-> English -- but if you're trying to show
something 'rough' and simultaneously legible for your English-reading
fans...)


> For all of their careful planning, Kasumi, Akane and Ranma had forgotten
> something.  The business owners Nabiki had cheated were hesitant to harm
> her physically; however, there were other people in Ranma's life who had no
> qualms about it.


This semi-colon doesn't ... quite work.  Something like:

"While the business owners that Nabiki had cheated were too leery of Soun
to harm Nabiki, there were plenty of others she had profited from who
wouldn't be slowed by that at all."

"How dare she give Ranma-honey enough money to go get married.  He was
> supposed to marry ME!"
>

Suggest ending that first sentence with an exclamation point, too.


> Nabiki shuddered, and curled into a tighter ball.
>

Don't need a comma here.

Sorry I couldn't really comment on the characterization and certain parts
of the content, so I hope this is still helpful to you.  Thanks for
sharing. :)

-- 
Brian Randall
--
Yrne awaits those with the courage to seek it.
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, on my terrible
webpage:
http://www.soulriders.net/brian/
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