[FFML] [Ranma] Shampoo 1/2 (chapter that didn't make the cut and in script.)
DB Sommer
sommert at consolidated.net
Tue Oct 4 20:20:23 PDT 2011
Something I cut from the original series I did. God, this is awful, and
in script format no less.
Ranma ½ Presents:
Shampoo ½
Standard disclaimer:
I don’t own any of the Ranma characters. They are owned by the Goddess
Takahashi and whomever she leased the rights to. Buy Ranma stuff. It’s
low in calories and takes care of that annoying money people seem to
give you for work.
The characters of Oh! My Goddess! are owned by someone else.
Actually, I did come up with Takao Inoue, so I guess she’s my creation.
Chapter 11
My Two Fiancees
The scene opens several months ago. There is a dark skinned, white
haired, female Kami, looking bored and sitting in a chair at one of the
Yggdrasil computer terminals somewhere “Up There.” A male Kami comes in
with a paper in hand and walks over to the woman.
Yotaro: Urd? What are you doing here?
Urd: I got blackmailed into doing a request processing shift by
Kirianov. (Scowls) She is going to pay.
Yotaro: Well, we have a request from one of the outer planer creatures
to run a personal search for her.
Urd: (Irritated.) Why?
Yotaro: Oh, she wants to keep her followers in line by keeping them busy
preparing for some ambiguous “Great Evil” that’s supposed to destroy
reality. You know the drill.
Urd: (More Irritated) How does that involve us?
Yotaro: She wants the name of some tough guy so one of her worshippers
can marry him, or drink his blood to make herself more powerful. I don’t
remember which it is. Anyway, she filled out all the proper forms and
everything has been green lighted. (He hands her the papers.)
Urd: (Reads the paper.) It’s for a marriage. (sighs).Since when did we
become a dating service. Let’s see. Unmarried, strong fighter, eastern
hemisphere preferred. That’s easy enough.
She feeds the information into the computer. Nothing happens. She kicks
the machine and it spits out a piece of paper.
Yotaro: I don’t know why the “Boss” lets those creatures get away with
passing themselves off as gods.
Urd: You know what they say…
Together: “He works in mysterious ways.”
Yotaro: Sounds like an excuse to keep us in the dark.
Urd: (Hands the paper to Yotaro.) Here. Tell her to read this. I’m going
on break. If I have to sit here one more second I’ll go nuts. Maybe I’ll
check on Belldandy.
They walk out of the room together. A thing that looks like a rabbit
with spider legs crawls out of the computer and starts running around. A
younger Kami with black hair enters the room and spots the bug. She
starts chasing it around with a croquet-like mallet.
Skuld: Come here you!
The scene opens with Kasumi standing on the front porch enjoying a bit
of air. There is the sound of something striking the side of the house.
An arrow with a note attached to it is embedded in the doorway next to
her. She looks over at it.
Kasumi: Oh. The postal service is certainly coming up with new and
inventive ways for delivering the mail.
She pulls the arrow out of the wall, goes inside and comes back out with
a target. She places it where the arrow hit.
Kasumi: (Smiles) There! That should help them. (She goes back inside.)
On the back porch we see Ranma-kun sparring with (beating the crud out
of) Genma. Kasumi comes out.
Kasumi: Ranma. I think this message is for you.
Genma: Let me see that. (Takes the arrow and starts to examine it.)
Hmmm. Hmmm. Hmmm. Got it.
Ranma: What is it?
Genma: An arrow.
Ranma facefaults then gets back up.
Ranma: I meant what’s on the paper. (Rips the arrow out of Genma’s hands
and reads the note.) It’s a challenge, It says he wants to fight the
master of the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts, here, two
weeks from now. It’s unsigned.
Genma: (Places hands on Ranma’s shoulders.) Ranma my boy, I have been
wanting to do this for a long time. You are now the master of The
Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts.
Ranma: You’re just trying to get out of a fight, but I accept anyway. I
wonder who sent the challenge though.
Genma: Maybe Ryouga?
Ranma: I don’t know. Arrows don’t seem is style. Maybe a bandanna.
Genma: How do you attach a note to a bandanna?
Ranma: Don’t ask a stupid question like that. (Groans) Now I’m gonna end
up spending all day trying to figure out how it can be done.
A bat flies into Ranma’s face.
Genma: I’ll get it boy. (Draws back his fist.)
You should know what happens by now. Bat gets out of way. Fist gets in
Ranma’s way.
Ranma: (After picking himself up.) You big tub of goo! (Throws Genma
into the pond.)
Ryouga flies into the house going for some hot water. We see Soun is
taking a relaxing bath. We hear a thud as the bat flies into the doorway
to the bath, impacting hard. He manages to slide though the space
between the door and the floor and flies into the drink. Ryouga gets out
as Soun watches calmly. Ryouga leaves looking for some clothes. All he
can find are one of Ranma’s standard red and blue Chinese numbers. He
throws it on and manages to find the backyard in under twenty minutes.
Ranma spots him as soon as he emerges from the house.
Ranma: (Irritated) What are you doing in my stuff? Now I gotta burn ‘em.
Ryouga: I didn’t have any extra sets of clothes here. I’ll try to
remember to leave some for next time.
Ranma: No way. If you do that you’ll think you can come and go as you
please.
Ryouga: Fine. I’ll just wear your things whenever I fly over.
Ranma: (Gives up.) All right. Leave some clothes here. What are you here
for anyway?
Ryouga: (Boldly to the skies.) I am here to challenge you to a duel.
Ranma: Then this is yours? (He hands him the arrow with message. Ryouga
looks it over.)
Ryouga: Hmmm. Hmmm. Hmmm. No, but I know what it is.
Ranma: What?
Ryouga: An arrow.
Ranma facefaults again. Shampoo-chan and Akane come outside. Shampoo
sees what is going on and goes back inside.
Ryouga: Answer me now Ranma. Will you fight me?
Ranma: I gotta get ready for this fight first. How about I work you in
(pulls out a datebook.) next Tuesday, five P.M? I got to meet some
classmates for a school project at five fifteen.
Ryouga: (Incredulously.) You think you can defeat me in fifteen minutes?
Ranma: Heck no. The library is a good distance away from here. It’ll
take me at least eight minutes to get there, and I like leaving some
extra time so I don’t cut it too close.
Ryouga: (The rage builds up.) You arrogant…wait! I have a much better
idea. Why don’t I just fight you now? (He gets into a battle stance.)
Shampoo comes out with a glass of water and sack. She dumps the water on
Ryouga’s head.
Shampoo: Because bat make for bad opponent. (She throws the sack over
him, spins it over her head several times, and releases it, sending it
far away.)
Ranma: (Looking at the note.) I don’t know who this is or what they
want, so I better be prepared for anything. Shampoo, I want you to train
extra hard with me.
Shampoo: (A bit excitedly.) You mean real fight?
Ranma: Not full out. Just short. No telling what this guy can do.
Akane: I’ll help.
Ranma: No offense, but you’d just get in the way.
Akane: (Offended anyway.) I’m a lot better than I used to be.
Ranma: Yeah, but so am I. Shampoo will be a better partner.
Akane: FINE! You two have your little fun. (She storms off.)
Ranma: (Calling out to her retreating form.) Akane, I don’t mean it that
way. I… oh what’s the use? She’ll forget about it later anyway.
Shampoo: Ranma should take better care of fiancee.
Ranma: Don’t remind me of that, please. I try to forget it as often as I
can. Now we gonna talk or fight?
Shampoo smiles and launches herself at Ranma. If it isn’t an all out
attack it is close. Ranma has to go completely on the defensive.
Ranma: Geez when did you get so good?
Shampoo: You try fight fifty girls and Kunou everyday and see how much
you improve.
Ranma stays on the defensive for close to five more minutes, impressed
by the additional endurance Shampoo has gained. Eventually she starts to
tire and leave openings, but not before she lands close to a dozen good
blows. After another fifteen minutes he finally beats her.
Ranma: (Totally out of breath.) There was a time when you wouldn’t have
been able to connect more than twice and I would have had you beat in
one quarter of the time.
Shampoo: (Flat on back.) And Shampoo holding back.
Ranma: Tell me you’re joking.
Shampoo: Just holding back tiny, tiny bit. It not make difference. In
long run, you still beat Shampoo.
Ranma: (Loses his smiling exterior.) Still, I should be better. I
haven’t been in any decent fights since that oversized roach, and even
then I didn’t really beat him.
Shampoo: Great Grandmother teach sometimes is better win fight using
head than fist. (pauses) She also complain how Shampoo never use that
lesson.
Ranma: My old man sure didn’t teach that. (Considers.) Still, maybe
there is something to be said about thinking things through. (Pauses.
Then smiles.) Nahh. I do pretty good on instinct. How about we do this
again in the evening? I gotta rest.
Two weeks of training pass. Shampoo gives Ranma some tough workouts, but
there is no doubt he is improving. He starts defeating her in under ten
minutes. During this time Akane makes it a point to stay out of Ranma’s
way. She gets more and more angry when it becomes evident he either
doesn’t realize her absence or doesn’t care. Eventually, the day of the
challenge arrives. Ranma and the others wait in the backyard for the
opponent to show. There is a knocking at the door, and Kasumi goes into
the house to answer it. She comes back with Ryouga and Ukyou. Ukyou is
leading Ryouga by the arm.
Ranma: What are you guys doing here?
Ryouga: I want to see you get your head knocked off.
Ukyou: I’m rooting for you Ran-chan.
Nabiki: (To Ranma.) I don’t understand how one can hate you, one can
like you, and they still get along.
Ranma: Weird things happen to me all the time. Just look who I got
engaged to.
Akane just glares.
Ranma: I wonder when this guy’s going to show?
A short spear embeds itself into the wall next to Ranma. He moves back
in surprise. Everyone gazes to see where the spear came from. It is the
figure from the last chapter standing on the wall around the dojo
grounds. He is still in the same desert style garb, with his footgear
bound in a style similar to Ryouga’s, and wrapped cloth around the face
and head. Two short spears on his back and a small shield on his left
forearm are the only weapons that can be seen. He jumps down from the
wall and lands in the field of combat (the backyard.)
Figure: (In a muffled voice. Points to Ranma.) So you are the master of
The Saotome Anything Goes School of Martial Arts?
Ranma: Hey! You’re the guy that helped me against Gampachi.
Figure: I don’t remember seeing you there.
Ranma: What, are you kidding? I was right there.
Akane: That’s funny I could have sworn it was SHAMPOO who was fighting
that day.
Ranma: (His shoulders slump.) Right. (To self.) Man this name change
stuff is driving me nuts. (He walks to the center of the backyard across
from the figure.) That’s right. I am the master. And you are?
Figure: (Through a muffled voice.) You’ll find out soon enough. I want
this challenge to be non-fatal. I just want to test your mettle and see
if you are as good as you are supposed to be.
Ranma: You gonna fight with those? (Points to the spears.)
Figure: (Detaching one.) I said non-fatal. I didn’t say I wouldn’t give
you a scar to remember me by. Are you prepared?
Ranma nods and the fight begins. All the martial artists observe the
fight with a critical eye. The figure and Ranma engage in a feeling out
period, each one holding back to see what the other can do. They both
step up the intensity as the match progresses. Soon, both are fighting
all out. Ranma takes note that the only time the figure uses the pointed
end of the spear is when he wants distance from Ranma or to ward him off
on attacks. He never uses it in an offensive manner. The figure lands
several blows with the blunt end of the spear. Every time Ranma tries to
land a punch or kick it is blocked by the small shield. Ranma can also
tell the figure is quick put not very strong. None of the blows had been
telling.
Ranma: (Thinks.) If I don’t get that shield away from him I ain’t ever
going to be able to win.
Ranma starts to concentrate on disabling the shield arm. Eventually he
sees the opening he is looking for. The figure leaps up to the attack,
but mid-air combat is a specialty of the Saotome School of Anything Goes
Martial Arts. He leaps up and it appears that both characters have
missed one another. However, when the figure lands and straightens up
his shield falls off his arm, the straps snapped. He stands there
stunned for a moment.
Figure: Impressive Saotome. No one has ever come that close to me
before. (He tosses aside the spear and takes up an attack stance.)
Ranma: What’s he up to now?
The figure closes to do hand to hand combat. Ranma matches him blow for
blow and starts to get the upper hand. But, just as Ranma goes for the
final blow, the figure easily jumps out of the way and gathers his hands
together. A blue glow forms around them.
Figure: MOKO-TAKABISHA!!!
The blue bolt of chi energy is released at Ranma. He narrowly gets out
of the way.
Ranma: Man! I want to learn that attack.
Ukyou: You can do it Ran-chan!
Ryouga: Finish him off stranger!
Ranma: Would you shut up Ryouga? You’re ruining my home field advantage.
The figure stands motionless for a moment. He slowly turns to Ryouga.
Figure: You are Ryouga?
Ryouga: Yes.
Figure: Then who have I been fighting?
Ukyou: Ranma.
From the figure’s eyes we see he is stunned again.
Figure: (Pointing at Ranma.) But I thought that he was, (he bows to
Ranma.) A thousand pardons. I had believed Ryouga was the master of the
school.
Ranma: (Deeply insulted.) Why the heck would you think that clumsy
bloodsucker is master of the school? He can’t even find his way to the
bathroom.
Figure: Never mind. (He picks up a spear, then turns to Ryouga.) Now we
fight.
He charges with his spear. Ryouga barely has enough time to draw his
umbrella and parry the attack. The figure moves with a little more
enthusiasm than he did with Ranma. Ukyou moves to help but Ryouga waves
her off.
Ryouga: If Ranma can beat him, then I can beat him.
Ryouga’s counterattack is impressive. The figure scores two quick hits
before Ryouga connects with one solid punch. The figure moves back to
shake the cobwebs out of his head. Ryouga presses his advantage and
releases two bandannas at the figure. They strike off both the pointed
end and blunt end of the spear, leaving only a small piece of wood in
the figure’s hand.
Figure: Impressive Saotome.
Ranma: What did I do?
Figure: Not you. (Points to Ryouga.) Him.
Ryouga: (Indignant.) My name is not Saotome! It’s Habiki.
The figure stands motionless again. Thunderheads start to build up
around his head.
Figure: Let me get this straight. You are Ryouga Habiki. (Points to
Ryouga who nods.) And you are Ranma Saotome. (Points to Ranma who also
nods.) Then where the hell is Ryouga Saotome?
Everyone looks confused.
Akane: Who’s Ryouga Saotome?
The figure closely examines everyone’s face. It is obvious everyone is
confused. He unwraps the cloth from around his head and reveals… the
face of a beautiful young girl about sixteen. Everyone’s jaw drops.
Ranma: You’re a girl.
Figure: Of course I am. (To self.) Good fighter, master of the obvious
too. (Out loud.) Who would be stupid enough to think that I am a guy?
Everyone’s hand raises.
Figure: (Stunned) I may not be the most attractive woman in the world,
but I am not some wretched tomboy like those two.
She points to Akane and Ukyou. We can tell she is unsuccessful in her
attempt to make two new friends as facial twitches strike the two girls
and battle auras radiate. The figure pulls out a paper from her clothes.
Figure: There is no way I got that name wrong. (Reads the paper.) I knew
it. It says it right here, Ryouga Saotome. Do any of you know someone
named Ryouga Saotome of the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts?
Everyone: No.
Figure: That can’t be. My instructions are specific.
Nabiki: Why don’t you tell us everything? Starting off with your name.
Figure: My name is Takao Inoue. I am First Shieldmaiden of the
Priesthood of Kanley. (She bows.) Several months ago I received a vision
from my goddess that I was to seek out Ryouga Saotome.
Akane: Why?
Takao: To marry him of course. (Goes into dramatic speech mode.) It is
my destiny as First Shieldmaiden to wed the most powerful fighter in the
world and to bear the child that will destroy the “Great Dark.” which
will consume all of reality and make Earth a really not nice place to
live. (Lightning strikes foreboadingly in the background.)
Soun: (Concerned.) And when is this “Great Dark” supposed to strike?
Takao: Oh, about one thousand years from now. (Everyone facefaults.)
Ranma: (Shouts.) Then why do you need to have this kid now!
Takao: Hey! We’re just getting a jump on this ultimate warrior thing.
The “Great Dark” is supposed to be pretty tough you know.
Ukyou: Sounds a lot like some inane Amazon custom. (Angry glances are
exchanged between Ukyou and Shampoo.)
Takao: (Laughing) Oh no. It’s nothing like “you have to marry some guy
that can beat the crap out of you first,” rule those backwater
primitives have. (Her second attempt at making friends fails as Shampoo
starts to generate an angry glow.) Ours is a specific eugenics program
for getting a super warrior. Everyone but the First Shieldmaiden can wed
whomever they want.
Nabiki: And just how do you know you are supposed to marry this Ryouga
Saotome?
Takao: It said so in the prophecy.
Nabiki: And just how specific is this “prophecy?”
Takao: (Starts reading off the paper.) It says I am to marry Ryouga
Saotome. He lives in Nerima, Japan. He has black hair. He is a great
warrior.
Nabiki: That could be either one of them.
Takao: He practices Saotome School of Anything Goes School of Martial Arts.
Kasumi: That’s Ranma.
Takao: He gets lost easily.
Shampoo: That Ryouga.
Takao: He likes red and blue Chinese outfits.
Genma: That’s Ranma.
Takao: And he has a thing for bamboo umbrellas.
Soun: That’s Ryouga.
Nabiki: (Grabs the paper out of Takao’s hands. Takao’s hands remain in
the “I was reading something just a moment ago” position as she stares
angrily at Nabiki.) It really says all that. Pretty accurate prophecy. I
don’t suppose it says anything about the stock market?
Takao: (Dryly.) The last person that asked Kanley about that was struck
down by a bolt of lightning.
Kasumi: I guess that meant the stocks were down.
Takao: (She looks at Kasumi attempting to figure out if she is serious.
Takao fears the answer and drops the line of thought.) So, let me get
this straight, this describes both of these men? (Points to Ranma and
Ryouga.)
Akane: Some apply to one and some apply to the other.
Takao: They are both magnificent fighters?
Akane: Well, yes.
Takao: Very well. My course is clear.
Akane: And that is…
Takao: I must marry both of them.
Everyone: WHAT!
Takao: (Shrugs shoulders.) I can’t take any chances. Best to cover all
the bases.
Ranma: You can’t marry two guys at once.
Akane: It’s immoral.
Ukyou: It’s wrong.
Nabiki: It would save you on renting two wedding chapels and each guest
would only have to get one gift. (Everyone just stares at her.) You have
to think about the good as well as the bad.
Genma: Well if it’s just children you want, I don’t see any reason why
Ranma can’t provide you with one, just so long as he doesn’t get married.
Ranma: POP!
Soun: Saotome. I refuse to allow Ranma to have a concubine.
Takao: (Rushes over and plants the butt end of her spear on top of
Genma’s head, hard.) Just what kind of a person do you think I am? I’m
not that kind of girl!
Akane: (To Ukyou.) So says the girl who wants two husbands at once.
Ryouga: I am not getting married to anyone. Ranma, on the other hand,
would be perfect for you. (He shoves Ranma forward.)
Ranma: No way. I already got a fiancee I don’t want. I don’t need
another. (He maneuvers behind Ryouga.) Ryouga is a more suitable groom.
He’s one of the most popular guys around. (He pushes Ryouga forward.)
Ryouga: (Reverses himself and moves behind Ranma again.) Oh, but since
you have a fiancee at such an early age, that just proves that you are a
marrying kind of man. Just accept her proposal too. (Pushes Ranma
towards Takao again.)
Ranma: (Runs behind Ryouga again.) It’s better to be engaged to someone
that doesn’t already have a fiancee. Besides, you are the “Furinkan
Number One Stud”. Why, I heard that cute cheerleader, Kyoko saying how
she wanted to go out with that “handsome guy with the bandanna.” (Pushes
Ryouga again.)
Ryouga: She did? (He doesn’t move behind Ranma this time.)
Ranma: Yes. I hear all the girls say stuff like that. Besides, just look
at Takao. Isn’t she a beauty?
Ryouga: Well… (He starts blushing and looks down into the ground.)
Ranma: It looks like love at first sight.
Ukyou: (Suddenly stands up.) He can’t be engaged to her!
Takao: Why?
Ukyou: Because…because he…already has…a…(she starts blushing furiously)
a…(she looks hard at Ryouga) a…(she runs inside, and returns a moment
later with a bucket of water)… a curse.
The water is hurled on poor Ryouga and he becomes a bat. Takao stands
there in shock, From her viewpoint the world starts to shatter around
her, but she pulls it together.
Ukyou: So you see Ran-chan is the only one for you.
Takao: (Recovering.) Yes, I see your point.
Akane: Get ready to have your bubble burst. (She grabs the bucket and
enters the house only to return a moment later. She throws water on
Ranma. Instant Ranma-chan. Shampoo leaves.)
Ranma-chan: (To Takao.) Hi. I just wanted to say I don’t think this
marriage would work out. Whenever I get wet, I become this, so maybe you
had better leave.
Takao is struck speechless again. Her world shatters entirely now and
she just stares off into space for a couple of minutes.
Nabiki: Hello. (Waves her hand in front of the shieldmaiden’s face.
Takao snaps out of it.)
Takao: You are both cursed?
Shampoo returns with hot water and turns Ranma back. Ukyou takes the
remaining water and changes Ryouga back, remembering to put him in his
clothes first.
Takao: I see. This changes everything. Sorry to have bothered you.
She wraps her cloth around her head and leaps over the wall. We see her
form retreating in the distance.
Ukyou: Time to go home. C’mon Ryouga. (She grabs Ryouga. As they start
to depart we can hear Ukyou scolding him.) I can’t believe you looked at
the cheap floozie that way.
Ranma: Well, that was a close call. Let’s call it a day. (Everyone
enters the house.)
Later in the evening we see Ranma and Akane sitting at a table together,
drinking some tea. The screen doors are open and they are looking out at
the night sky.
Ranma: That was too close for comfort.
Akane: She sure was cute.
Ranma: (Starts getting a distant look in his face as he envisions
Takao.) Yeah. She was a pretty good fighter too. (Akane starts a face
twitch.) Not as good as me mind you, but still pretty good. She did help
me against that roach, (Akane starts to glow.) and she had that chi
attack. Moko something or other. I sure would have liked to have learned
that. (Her aura becomes brighter.) In an odd way I am going to miss that
weirdo cultist.
Akane: (Aura becomes a deeper shade of spectral blue.) She doesn’t have
that big of a head start! Why don’t you go after her?
Akane belts Ranma several miles away. We follow Ranma’s form until he
hits the height of his trajectory arc. At that point his out of control
flight is stopped by another hurled body, also hitting the height of his
trajectory. Both land hard in the woods. Ranma gets up and sees it is
Ryouga.
Ranma: (Getting up.) Let me guess. Ucchan was feeling moody too?
Ryouga: (Also getting up.) I was just talking about that girl today,
then she yells, “Ryouga you jackass!” and she hits me for no reason. And
don’t call her Ucchan.
Ranma: Akane did the same thing to me. I didn’t even say nuthin’ and she
still hit me. You just can’t understand women. (Ryouga nods his head in
agreement.)
Ryouga: Feels like it’s going to be cold this evening.
Ranma: I think we’d get a chillier reception if we show up at home
tonight. Why don’t we just sleep here? You’re used to living outdoors.
Ryouga: You got that right. Unfortunately I don’t have my backpack.
Guess I’ll change.
Ranma: Why?
Ryouga: As a bat I’ll have fur to keep me warm, and sleeping while
hanging upside down isn’t as uncomfortable as you might think. (Ryouga
goes to a stream, douses himself and hangs upside down from a tree. He
is quickly asleep.)
Ranma: Lucky dog. (He tries to make himself comfortable on the hard,
cold ground and dozes off.)
The scene shifts to morning. We see Ranma wake up and look down. He is
surprised to see he is covered over by a blanket. There is a pillow
under his head and a change of clothes next to him. There are also his
school books sitting in a stack, and a breakfast sitting on a tray, as
though waiting for him. He looks around suspiciously, but spots no one.
Ranma: Did Ryouga do all of this? (He looks up to see the bat is still
hanging in his tree, asleep.)
He settles down and changes clothes under the blanket for some measure
of privacy. He then tears into the breakfast with an enthusiasm that his
father would be proud of. After finishing, he wakes up Ryouga and tells
him to get a move on or they’ll be late for school. Ryouga flies off,
and we see Ranma look around one last time for some evidence as to who
left breakfast. He spots no one and gives up. As he runs off we see the
camera angle change to high in a tree. Shampoo is sitting in a tree
behind a thick part of leaves. She can see out but no one else can see
in. She watches Ranma leave and smiles. After he is out of sight she
jumps out of the tree, grabs the plates that are left, and takes a more
circuitous route to school.
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