[FFML] Mobile Suit Gundam Storm, Chapter 3 and 4

[Andrew Dynon]

Thanks for the C&C.  I'm aware that detailed descriptions are a weakness for
me, and it's good to know what I need to add in my next draft.  In the
meantime, I'll try to answer some stuff here.

-----Original Message-----
From: Arthur Hansen [mailto:arthurh3535 at gmail.com] 
Sent: Monday, 21 March 2011 4:13 AM
To: The Fanfiction Mailing List
Cc: Andrew Dynon
Subject: Re: [FFML] Mobile Suit Gundam Storm, Chapter 3 (2nd draft)

On Sat, Mar 19, 2011 at 9:51 PM, Andrew Dynon <adynon at internode.on.net>
wrote:
> (NOTES: Okay, just some minor revisions and formatting fixes here.  
> With the controversy over my use of "Ojousama" in the last draft, I 
> switched to "Young Mistress" here, although the term still feels 
> clumsy to me)

<< That might be because while its English... its not very American, if that
makes sense. >>

Well, I'm not American, I'm Australian, but it's not very Australian,
either.

<< Re-reading (for the third time) I noticed the plot does seem to be moving
forward decently, but that your descriptors at some points are actually very
limited.

"At Sparta Base" ... really doesn't tell us what the base looks like.
Is it a super-building (all in one building) base of high-tech concrete? Is
it groups of buildings (much like real army bases are
now) with the young clones? You don't hit any descriptors for the characters
there either. >>

Yeah, I'll have to work out where the best place to fit a description of it
is.  It's supposed to be a hollowed-out asteroid.

<< That last scene actually doesn't set it at all. There are two 'named'
people that we get no idea what they look like, a vague display showing the
battle (LCD screen? Floating 3D display?) >>

Will fix in the next revision.  I'd envisioned something like the
free-floating windows from Nadesico.

<< I'd assume that the commander of a enhanced super-soldier like Athene
Gold would have been given instructions (orders) on how to make them not go
bug nuts (ie. make them do something that burn adrenaline) though it might
be a bit different from commander to commander (like say motorbike racing,
parachute diving, etc.)  >>

Yeah, they'd have had something like "periodic adrenalaine releases will be
required".  Aboard a ship, that probably means something like a simulated MS
battle or hand-to-hand combat sessions.

<< I look forward to how you go over some things like the thruster
technology that would be required to get a ship from Earth to Mars in only
four weeks (advanced nuclear thrusters? Generic 'energy
thrusters'?) and maybe revisiting what Bio-tech *can* do for people. I mean,
we can nearly clone someone in real life and are looking at regrowing organs
from stem-cells. Maybe they can actually repair that damage to Athene Gold
(or they could if they cared).

Scarring might be less in a future with this technology though. >>

I'm not really a big tech person.  But the fact that her reproductive system
was removed at a very young age could potentially complicate any efforts to
reintroduce it.  As for the scarring, it's not very obvious, and requires a
close inspection to detect.

<< Nothing really to mention here other than that I have no real feel for
what New Moscow actually looks like on Mars (domes? skyscrappers?
Underground?) and the such. Things do look pretty good from a plot point,
though I will have to admit that I'm not fond of the first person
perspective. That's probably just because I can write third person much
easier and it sounds more natural to me. >>

I'm thinking it's a domed city.  Mars has been terraformed to the point of
being breathable now, but the domes were keptdue to tradition.  They became
more artistic than functional.

<< When you mention the scene of the LaGrange point... I have no idea if you
are referring to a space-station or ships that just happen to be there. I'm
assuming a space-station, but I have no idea of look, size, population? I'm
assuming big enough for the MS you described (they kinda give me the ZAKU
vibe, strangely) but nothing beyond that >>

Another thing to rework - it'll be a classic UC-style colony cylinder.  As
for the MS, I was thinking the Gelgoog rather than the Zaku (because I'm a
fan of the Gelgoog), but close enough.  The colour scheme was cribbed from
Abarekiller from Abaranger (AKA Power Rangers Dino Thunder) - I considered
making it red, but decided against it.