[FFML] [Lime] The Eclipse of Haruhi Suzumiya

[Henry Cobb]

On Fri, Jun 24, 2011 at 7:54 PM, Brian Randall <durandall at gmail.com> wrote:
> Hmm, this part of the dynamic is strange....  Seems like Haruhi's got
> expectations for Kyon's behavior, and he's not quite matching up.  Not
> falling short, but....

What's happened here is that Kyon has settled on the most likely
explanation that fits with reality as he knows it.

He has taken Yuki's explanation to heart without question. She has not
lied to him, but she is from what is essentially a different world and
so he has greatly misinterpreted what she has said.

He's very clear that Mkuru is far more experienced than she ought to
be and so her very presence indicates that the situation must be
really dangerous.

Really, how would you react if you knew a friend was in a mob family
that had bought off the local police?

> Kyon: Sasaki's influence.

Note how his sister reacts to his "dates".

>> As I entered the clubroom I saw that the only people there were Yuki
>> sitting by the window and reading and Mikuru, sitting at the table.
>
> I think you can put a comma after 'Yuki' and 'and reading'.  Also, you
> can probably remove one (or both) instances of 'sitting'.

My structure sucks here so I need to unravel and reweave.

>> Mikuru smiled as she saw that I couldn't pull my gaze away from her as she
>> relaxed into her professional persona.
>
> repetition of 'as' (multiple simultaneous events in a single line).
> The first could be replaced with 'when', or the second could be
> replaced with 'while'.

And again.

>> "Are they jealous of your master's attentions?" Mikuru asked.
>
> The guy who doesn't exist anymore?

The dark lord exists and is Yuki's master, but he's not exactly
Haruhi's brother.

>> Mikuru tripped as she rose from her chair and caught herself on the table
>> with an artful jiggle. I pulled my glance away to look at Itsuki's face
>> which remained in that pleasant smile, with his eyes mostly closed. He was
>> either gay or a very cool customer indeed.
>
> Koizumi: Or ... incredibly NOT gay!
> The fangirls will cry, but that's actually not an inversion, going by
> Disappearance.
> Kozumi: What about being a girl?
> ...that ... works.

Or perhaps human girls don't thrill this Kozumi because he's not into
bestiality and finds possession to be 90% against his laws.

> ...interesting.  There's no way around the fact that Kyon just let
> everyone at the table know he'd rather not be with Mikuru.  Haruhi
> allows a reroll, but no one else reacts?
>
> Also, if it's luck (or is supposed to be), how can any part of it be
> 'incorrect'?  I get what you're going for, but it feels awkward; you
> may want to revise section a bit.

I will consider, but they all look at Haruhi.

>> Far from being the date Haruhi had warned about, Yuki kept always out of
>> arms length as we walked along. I briefly considered asking her about this
>> master she so feared, but settled on a question about what I knew of her
>> interests, in order to break the ice so to speak, "You read a lot of
>> books?"
>
> 'always out of arms length' -- 'always an arm's length away'?

Just slightly more than that.

>> "I was alone most of the time, but sometimes travelers would leave behind
>> books."
>
> And clothes, and money, and bones....

Heh.

>> She looked at the five books for a moment then picked up one of the three
>> she had selected, walked over to the shelves and slid in back into
>> place. She returned to the table, put the picture book on top of her other
>> two selections and slid my first selection in my direction, "You check out
>> that one please."
>
> slid in -- slid it

Sorry, but I don't get the issue here?

> O_o?  She decided that was him apologizing?  Sure....

"I accept your appology!"

Thank Cthulhu she doesn't watch Cobert or Beck...

>> "Yuki," I turned to her, "Are you sure you can carry all those books? I can
>> drop some of them over at your place later."
>
> Mmm, I can't remember.  When did he start calling her Yuki instead of Nagato?

He calls her my her first name after she tells how she is bound to
what he takes to be a mob boss.

>> "I helped her fill out a form for a library card. Now let's split up
>> again." I was ready this time to go one on one with any of the three, even
>> Mikuru. Not in that way, but in terms of lines of questioning that would
>> move me closer to my goal.
>
> Eh?  Your Kyon inexplicably gains courage to do things he tells us he
> couldn't earlier in the same chapter.  "I'm frightened of the Yaks!
> What about my family?!" -> "I must kill the Yak boss that scared
> Yuki."   And then: "Mikuru is too much for me to handle!  Please,
> Haruhi, let me go with anyone else at all!" -> "I can handle Mikuru."
>
> I'm cool with different interpretations of a character, but
> consistency is key.  I think you just need to show us where/why Kyon
> gains the resolve he does.

He's thinking about it here for a while. I may just drop the entire
first draw and just draw Yuki up front.

> But then, I realized that actually makes absolutely perfect sense.  It
> lets her conceal her jealousy under the guise of enforcing
> Brigade-wide policy.
>
> The big win is that she doesn't tell _Kyon_ that he's not on a date with _her_.
>
> Well played!

I try.

>> Walking arm in arm with a girl, was I'm afraid a rather unusual situation
>> for me to be in, outside of a few times in junior high. I decided to
>> start on my line of questioning, "So how was the search this morning?"
>
> Sasaki again!

Yes, any guess yet?

> This is exactly the same as the speech indicator gripe, but now it's
> thoughts instead of speech.  Also, since this is first person, you
> have the relatively rare option of just omitting the 'I thought'
> entirely.

Kyon's internal monologues are always somewhat fuzzy, starting in the
light novels.

>> "The sunset," She looked directly into the sun without protection. As usual
>> the girl had no common sense. "It always leaves me with a mixed feeling,"
>> she continued, "Fond memories and a strange sense of emptiness. Like
>> there's something I've forgotten," She turned to me, placed her hands on my
>> shoulders and started to lean up on her toes to reach my face.
>
> Seems abrupt.  Kyon's also got a real lack of reaction internally
> while it's happening.

Yeah, what's possessing her anyway?  Or who?

>> "Kyon you idiot!" Haruhi poked me in the chest, "How dare you make me
>> forget what time it is!" She pulled out her phone and hit a speed dial,
>> "Koizumi! Are you still with Mikuru? Just go home then. I got sidetracked
>> and it's all stupid Kyon's fault. I'll see you two Monday at the
>> clubroom. Brigade leader out."
>
> Hmm, I always grouse about tsundere haruhi characterizations.
> Remember, she's a Genki Girl -- and a Jerkass with a Heart of Gold
> (though that comes later).

What I can offer here is that she is not entirely herself.

>> For a moment I was almost jealous. She had just met him and she already had
>> his number on her cellphone. Wait, had I just almost kissed her? How
>> suicidal was I? I thanked whatever guardian angel it was that had made my
>> sister save her own life by calling me just then.
>
> No, Kyon, you didn't.  _She_ almost kissed _you_.

He's kicking himself for not resisting.

Thanks for the spot checks, I'll be weaving those in.

-HJC