[FFML] [Lime] The Eclipse of Haruhi Suzumiya

[Brian Randall]

Mph.  I wasn't able to finish reading the entire chapter, but I'm not
going to revisit it; I expect only the technical details of this
commentary will be useful to you.

On Fri, Jun 24, 2011 at 2:25 PM, Henry Cobb <henry.cobb at gmail.com> wrote:
> I did some tiny rewrites of previous chapters to match my new concept,
> but mostly the events happened as they happened so I don't see the
> point of reposting them. The big change is that nobody ever tells Kyon
> that Haruhi has a brother, because she doesn't.

Right.  I have no idea what the relationship between that change and
what I wrote is.

Which makes it about as vague and cryptic as what I usually write!

I think we can call this a win.

> So on to murder by snuggling.

Personal opinion?  VASTLY SUPERIOR TO TAPE.

> Ryoko turned to me and said, "I wonder what happened to her," Then walked
> away to her own desk.

her," Then -- her," then

> "I made up for your trickery yesterday."

More tsundere Haruhi....

> Okay, I wasn't going to get off that easily. I turned in my seat and asked
> Hurahi, "What?"

Hurahi -- Haruhi

> "I searched the area we two were supposed to have covered, by myself on
> Sunday."

we two -- we
covered, by -- covered by (unless 'by myself' is a parenthetical with
a comma after 'myself'.)

> "So it didn't matter what we did on Saturday after all."
>
> "I apologize for my madness."

...which character is this?  Only Kyon and Haruhi were in the
conversation, and logically, this should be Haruhi's line.

Whiskey-tango-foxtrot?  This is neither tsuntsun nor deredere.

> "Don't worry," Hurahi continued, "I see you for what you are now. Just
> another ordinary lying cheating human male. Well buster, you can take your
> little one track mind and move on to the next station. Because I don't want
> to see anymore of that kind of behavior when you are engaged in SOS Brigade
> activities."

...okay.  I really don't like this Haruhi.  Or her interactions with
Kyon in general.  It's the tsundere staple of way too many
Kyon-centered schadenfreude-laden badfics on ff.net.  Typical; the
hero tries his best with the toolkit and information at his disposal,
but can't succeed.  And even if he can, he'll just be blamed for
something else.

It's intensely personal, but I've had enough of that in real life that
I don't really tolerate it in fiction.

*sigh*

I don't understand how people are amused by that ... but I know they
are, and my opinion is an effectively invisible minority.  My reaction
is sympathetic rage on the part of the guy who's trying so hard, and
getting nowhere.  And me being angry is no help to you in providing
commentary.  So, them's the breaks!

Anyway.  Keeping this constructive: you've got a good handle on what
you're writing.  Good luck with it, and I hope you continue having fun
with what you write!

I noticed that you have no scene-breaks.  This may be part of what
makes the narrative feel stilted in places, but I'm not sure if that
bothers you, or if you're intentionally going for a breakless flow.

Thanks for taking the time to share.

-- 
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to a
kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.florestica.com/brandall/
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.