[FFML] [NGE] Before and After - Chapter 7

[Michael Clark]

On Mon, Jun 20, 2011 at 11:11 PM, Henry Cobb <henry.cobb at gmail.com>
wrote:

>> The fluid was in my mouth.  The fluid was in my throat.  Fluid
>> shouldn't be in those places.  Fluid shouldn't be there.
>
> This is foreshadowing of physical memories carrying over, in addition
> to mental skills, yes?
>
> Also you're breaking the hearts of her fanboys. :-)

I'm not sure I _know_ what you mean here, but if this means what I think
it means, well, is there really any comment required? :P

>> They lowered me to the base of the chamber.  I sat.  The fluid
>> dripped off me.  The glass of the tank sank into the floor, and I was
>> exposed to air--cold, cold air.
>
> If draining the supporting fluid did not drop her to the floor then
> she must have been strapped to something?

I did mean that the lowering of the fluid level in turn put her at the
base of the tube.

>> "You're Ayanami Rei," he whispered in my ear, "and you've been
>> saved--preserved--for a purpose."
>>
>> He looked at me.
>>
>> "Never forget that you have a purpose."
>
> What's with the two paragraph breaks here?

An ineffective dramatic pause.

>> Her nurses and staff pulled the blanket away.  They shined lights in
>> my eyes.  They tapped my knees with a reflex hammer and pressed a
>> stethoscope to my breast.  I coughed for them until they said to
>> stop.  They made me lie back and open my legs.
>>
>> "Doctor Akagi."  The Commander stepped forward.  "I don't think
>> that's necessary."
>
> Somebody's been having fun in the stockroom.

Yes, I thought it a reasonable idea to remind the audience that Gendo is
somehow an insanely attractive man to the mad scientist demographic.

>> The doctor explained it.  I was a pilot of Evangelion.  I defended
>> {the} new city Tokyo-3 from the Angel invasion.  I died in {the}
>> battle, but thanks to this procedure, I was saved.  The doctor and
>> her assistants had preserved "the essence of who I was."  They gave
>> me knowledge.  They gave me the ability to speak and write and read.
>
> Are you sure about the marked {the}s? Note the slight change in time
> tense. If you keep them then I suggest adding a {had} in there.

You're right; the paragraph is better served with some separation in
time (some _had_s, as you say).  The _the_s are intentional, though.  I
hoped to distance Rei from the battle, from the city, to give both
concepts a sense of unfamiliarity.  "(blank) happened in battle" felt
like a slightly tired phrase, appropriate but often-used.

On balance, however, I may be attributing too much effect to two words,
especially when I've read that _the_ is overused to begin with.

>> Doctor Akagi hasn't been wrong.
>
> She's always been totally correct or she hadn't made a mistake up to
> this point?

I intended the line to mean that she hasn't been wrong for the time this
Rei has known her.  She hasn't been wrong about Rei's inability to
regain her memories.

>> The boy told me he was glad I lived, that he was thankful I'd
>> sacrificed myself to save him.
>
> This could have been brilliant if you had written out the dialog
> showing how he's tripping over two conflicting impulses.
>
> As written it comes out a bit flat.

I see your point.  I avoided depicting this part of the scene because it
falls under what was already on TV.  That said, the scene as shown in
the anime is short, and that's a rule I've broken before in rendering
that fabulous elevator scene.

>> "That is a victory?" I'd said.  "That doesn't sound like something to
>> be happy about."
>
> Rei gives a hoot about being happy?

Happiness she perceives in Ritsuko that the battle was won with such
loss.  Admittedly, though, this line didn't sit well with me, and I
missed fixing it on my second edit.  Good catch.

>>  I don't think anyone can or would question your actions.
>
> Mixing subtle time tenses here again.

Hm.  I need to brush up on my grammar, it seems.

>> And if I don't find it, the pills on my refrigerator will still be
>> there, to let me sink into nothingness and no longer be.
>
> It's a huge change that she cares that much.

You're right, and it's so huge I'm still not sure this line is enough.
I had something very different at first, where Misato tells Rei that she
has friends in herself (Misato) and Shinji.  It was touching and almost
sugary in flavor, but it didn't feel right.  Misato at the end of
episode 24 is cold when it comes to her attitude on death.  Here, I felt
I could bend that far enough to have her save Rei on the spur of the
moment, but much beyond that seemed wrong.

It may just be that I forced myself into a corner.  Having seen her
thoughts to that point, there's no reason for her to live on, and her
little bit of jealousy (if one could call it that) that her past
incarnation made her own path is just too weak to make her stay.  The
only way to fix that is to systematically give her more hope and reason
for being earlier on, yet that seems to undermine her impetus to commit
suicide.

On this point, I don't know if I should aim to better or merely submit
myself to the reader's judgment.

Thank you very much for your comments.  You've definitely given me some
things to think about to improve this piece.

-Michael Clark