[FFML] [NGE] Before and After - Chapter 7

[Henry Cobb]

On Mon, Jun 20, 2011 at 3:06 PM, Michael Clark <eta.bootis at gmail.com> wrote:
> The fluid
> was in my mouth.  The fluid was in my throat.  Fluid shouldn't be in
> those places.  Fluid shouldn't be there.

This is foreshadowing of physical memories carrying over, in addition
to mental skills, yes?

Also you're breaking the hearts of her fanboys. :-)

> They lowered me to the base of the chamber.  I sat.  The fluid dripped
> off me.  The glass of the tank sank into the floor, and I was exposed to
> air--cold, cold air.

If draining the supporting fluid did not drop her to the floor then
she must have been strapped to something?

> "You're Ayanami Rei," he whispered in my ear, "and you've been
> saved--preserved--for a purpose."
>
> He looked at me.
>
> "Never forget that you have a purpose."

What's with the two paragraph breaks here?

> Her nurses and staff pulled the blanket away.  They shined lights in
> my eyes.  They tapped my knees with a reflex hammer and pressed a
> stethoscope to my breast.  I coughed for them until they said to stop.
> They made me lie back and open my legs.
>
> "Doctor Akagi."  The Commander stepped forward.  "I don't think that's
> necessary."

Somebody's been having fun in the stockroom.

> The doctor explained it.  I was a pilot of Evangelion.  I defended {the}
> new city Tokyo-3 from the Angel invasion.  I died in {the} battle, but
> thanks to this procedure, I was saved.  The doctor and her assistants
> had preserved "the essence of who I was."  They gave me knowledge.  They
> gave me the ability to speak and write and read.

Are you sure about the marked {the}s? Note the slight change in time
tense. If you keep them then I suggest adding a {had} in there.

> Doctor Akagi hasn't been wrong.

She's always been totally correct or she hadn't made a mistake up to this point?

> The boy told me he was glad I lived, that he was thankful I'd sacrificed
> myself to save him.

This could have been brilliant if you had written out the dialog
showing how he's tripping over two conflicting impulses.

As written it comes out a bit flat.

> "That is a victory?" I'd said.  "That doesn't sound like something to be
> happy about."

Rei gives a hoot about being happy?

>  I don't think anyone can or would question your actions.

Mixing subtle time tenses here again.

> And if I don't find it, the pills on my refrigerator will still be
> there, to let me sink into nothingness and no longer be.

It's a huge change that she cares that much.

-HJC