[FFML] [SHnY]/[????] Legacy

[Brian Randall]

Sorry for the delay in replying.

On Wed, Jun 15, 2011 at 9:52 PM, Henry Cobb <henry.cobb at gmail.com> wrote:
> Warning, I am not a professional editor.  Please keep a pillar of salt
> handy at all times.

I appreciate the feedback anyway. :)

> On Tue, Jun 14, 2011 at 8:20 PM, Brian Randall <durandall at gmail.com> wrote:
>>   , her hair motionless in the forces about them,
>
> This clause didn't work for me and I think it's because you're mixing
> two pronouns together.  Perhaps if you were zooming consistently in or
> out for this paragraph it would be easier to digest.

Hmm, yeah, I can remove that second pronoun.

> Try trimming out "the fact" and just stating things as they are.
> Those two words together are almost always padding.

Hmm, that's easy enough to restate.  Will do.

> You're narrating the lack of recruits twice and that makes it half as
> effective.  Perhaps metaphorically show an almost empty room then have
> him either ask her about her latest attempt or decide not to ask.
> Kyon's fun in a "Wonder Years" kind of way because of the mismatch of
> narrator to first person character.

Yeah ... actually ... confession time: I wrote this entire thing on my
ipad during the slow parts of a day-long seminar at work.  It's not my
finest work, and errors like stating that point twice are a good
example of why. ^_^;;

I ... think I mentioned this elsewhere, but initially, Kyon's scenes
were in first person, and then I thought that was a bit awkward for
such a short story, so....

I really should have polished this a bit more before submitting it.

>>     "Somehow, I already think this is a terrible idea, and the mere
>> suggestion has caused me to trust you less," he drawled.
>
> This is the kind of thing he would think rather than say.

Yeah ... it's a bit from where I was writing Kyon's scene's in first
person.  The problem is, that for Kyon's PoV, I don't want to
characterize him with the same (hopefully) comedic denial that I used
for Haruhi, so since it's not first person, where he can blatantly lie
as a narrator (but not a character), it feels off to have him be
deceptive vocally.  After all, he actually does trust Haruhi (hence,
the five minutes thing).

So, I don't like putting it into his thoughts in third person because
it (also) feels odd to me.  Mmph.  I'll have to remove this particular
snark to transplant it to some future scene in first person; it should
thrive in its native environment.  In the meantime, that line will now
be:

"How exactly do you think that persuades me to go along with whatever
you want?" he wondered.

>>     Koizumi, Mikuru, and Yuki were already there.  If Haruhi wanted
>> to waste a day trying to hypnotize him to tell her entertaining
>> stories, then so be it.  Maybe it would let him forget that weird
>> recurring dream for a while....
>
> If you have heard of the anti-SOS you might see how this could be a
> very bad idea.

Didn't catch the Kuyou reference in the beginning?  She of the eerily
unmoving hair.

>>     "Shh," he soothed, smoothing her hair back and pulling her into
>> his lap,
>
> She's a bit big to roll up into a ball in his lap. One part of her or
> another should stick out in some direction.  Perhaps they are face to
> face?

Nah, her feet would naturally stick out.  I'll revise.

Thanks for the feedback, and again, sorry for the delay in replying.

> -HJC
-- 
Brian Randall