[FFML] [SHnY]/[????] Legacy

[Henry Cobb]

Warning, I am not a professional editor.  Please keep a pillar of salt
handy at all times.

On Tue, Jun 14, 2011 at 8:20 PM, Brian Randall <durandall at gmail.com> wrote:
>   , her hair motionless in the forces about them,

This clause didn't work for me and I think it's because you're mixing
two pronouns together.  Perhaps if you were zooming consistently in or
out for this paragraph it would be easier to digest.

>     He admitted to being surprised by how quickly Haruhi got over the
> fact that there were no recruits willing to join in the second year,
> but then, given where her plans went....

Try trimming out "the fact" and just stating things as they are.
Those two words together are almost always padding.

>     Near the end of May, once Haruhi got over her sulking fit over
> the lack of recruits -- something Koizumi had told Kyon was less of an
> issue than it seemed -- she came up with a new plan of attack.

You're narrating the lack of recruits twice and that makes it half as
effective.  Perhaps metaphorically show an almost empty room then have
him either ask her about her latest attempt or decide not to ask.
Kyon's fun in a "Wonder Years" kind of way because of the mismatch of
narrator to first person character.

>     "Somehow, I already think this is a terrible idea, and the mere
> suggestion has caused me to trust you less," he drawled.

This is the kind of thing he would think rather than say.

>     Koizumi, Mikuru, and Yuki were already there.  If Haruhi wanted
> to waste a day trying to hypnotize him to tell her entertaining
> stories, then so be it.  Maybe it would let him forget that weird
> recurring dream for a while....

If you have heard of the anti-SOS you might see how this could be a
very bad idea.

>     How strange it was to recognize it like that.  The expression of
> the power that is granted to him by Unconquered Sun....

Off topic, but what is the connection between the end of Endless Eight
and The Seclusion of the Sun?

A: They are both solved in the same way.

>     She gave him an incredulous look, then convulsed, bright blood
> flecking her lips.  Somehow, I realized that Yu-Shan was destroyed --
> and without them to enforce the promise, the pattern spiders
> themselves were tending to it -- literally tearing away the strands
> that Haruhi was trying to weave without realizing.

What's this shift from him to I?

>     "Shh," he soothed, smoothing her hair back and pulling her into
> his lap,

She's a bit big to roll up into a ball in his lap. One part of her or
another should stick out in some direction.  Perhaps they are face to
face?

-HJC