[FFML] [Naruto] Dead Garden - Chapter One: Rules

[O David Morgan]

Aaron Nowack wrote:

> As always, I desperately desire any and all C&C.

Oh, why not; the list has been quiet enough I don't mind de-lurking a 
little.

[Hi, everyone.]

>          The first lesson Sakura had marked in her notebook was one she
> started to learn on the first day of classes in her first year: "Never
> draw attention to yourself."

Good lesson for a ninja to know.
-stares at Naruto.-

> attending classes, she had poured over the textbooks her father had

Er, that's "pored".

>          Sakura gave a longing glance several rows toward the front of
> the classroom, where the two rivals for the title of top kunoichi - Ino
> and Ami - were feuding over who would take the prized seat next to
> Uchiha Sasuke.

Hmm, which one is Ami again? Or was she not in canon?

> The object of their attentions kept up his facade of stoic
> indifference, but Sakura imagined that underneath that was a
> boiling cauldron of passion, just waiting for the right woman to
> unlock it.

-blinks- -laughs-
That could end very badly.

>          Now, almost four years later, Sakura didn't remember what the
> conversation had involved.  She remembered being excited about making
> her first friends, thrilled that maybe the outcast status she'd gained
> after her humiliating experience on the first day was lifting.  Naruto
> had been even more excited the next day, when he'd rushed over to her
> before classes began, words tripping over themselves as he said that his
> mother wanted him to invite her over after classes.  Why this so
> enthused him, Sakura still didn't know.

Wait. Naruto's mother isn't dead?
Either there's been a HUGE change in canon (I only watch the anime) or 
you're up to something big ;)

>          "Absolutely not," her father had told her.  "That... that boy
> and his mother, are the reason your mother is dead.  What the Uzumaki
> have done to us, done to you, can never be forgiven!"

(And since I'm not current on the manga, I don't know what happened to 
either of Sakura's parents in canon, and I don't know how important of 
a reveal this may be.)

> So long as Sakura wouldn't speak with Naruto, Hinata had explained,
> she wouldn't have anything to do with Sakura.

Makes sense, but now I'm also wondering where the Naruto/Hinata 
interaction is going to go. It seems like Hinata is being more obvious 
in her attraction/attachment to Naruto, but there's just not a lot of 
info yet.

>          The next two rules on Sakura's short list came from October 10th
> of that year.  The year before, she had been sick with the flu on that
> date.  During her second year, her father was away on a mission - one of
> the first times in her young memory that he was gone for multiple days.
> He had been supposed to return the day before, but had been delayed.

October 10 again? Now I'm curious why that date is significant.

>          The scarred teacher gave Sakura a look she still couldn't
> interpret, even though it remained clear in her memories.  "These... men
> and women, have a complaint for the teaching staff, Mizuki-sensei.

I always forget about Mizuki...

>          Before he could answer, though, one of the women spoke.  "Even
> if our request is rejected, today of all days our children shouldn't
> have to be with her.  It's abhorrent for her to be part of this day."

Wait, what? What do the Haruno have to do with the 9-tails?

> Sakura hadn't known to call what she felt killing intent yet.

Not sure if that's worded awkwardly or if I just need food, but it 
took me a couple re-reads to make sense of that. Mebbe "Sakura hadn't 
yet known..." ?

>          There had been a blur of motion, and then Mizuki was in front
> her, catching a kunai strike in his bare hand.

He may turn out to be 'evil' but this is a good sign :)

> For my precious people, I would do anything." His smiled faded
> slightly. "Anything at all. That's my way of the ninja."

Foreshadowing! And also a sucky way of the ninja, because it makes you 
manipulatable. :/

> even if there were only two people she could call precious in the
> world.

Who's the second? Sasuke?

>          "Her chakra control is mediocre at best,"

That's another oddity, then.

> "We aren't here to build self-esteem or churn out mediocre
> kunai fodder, Mizuki-sensei.  We need to make sure our students are
> ready to be genin of the Leaf."
>          "Our job is to ensure they meet the standards set by Hokage-
> sama, Iruka-sensei," Mizuki said.

Paranoia--what if Mizuki has someone more important to protect than 
Sakura? That might be another lesson she needs to learn...

>          On her other side, her rival Ami laughed nastily.  "I bet they
> had to get a special, extra-large forehead protector for you."

Nice touch :)

> long track up to the back of the classroom, but with an ease borne of
> practice she ignored him.

borne->born, and probably track->trek
(First one is a little tricky; dictionary.com says "borne" is a past 
participle of "bear" which can mean "bear a burden" or "bear a 
child"... but the usage notes for born/borne are complicated. I'm used 
to this usage being 'born'. But I could be wrong.)

>          "It's no problem, Takeru," the teacher replied.  "I was actually
> going to ask you if I could borrow Sakura-chan for the afternoon."

When Sakura passed, I thought you were still gonna have Mizuki use 
Naruto to steal that scroll.... now I'm not so sure.

>          She tried not to let her nervousness show.  "Now that I'm a
> genin," she said, just as Mizuki had instructed her, "I want to know the
> truth about the Fourth Hokage's legacy."

OK, so this isn't quite the same tactic as Mizuki used in canon.

>          "Sakura-chan," he said softly.  "I'm not angry with you."  He
> didn't sound like he was lying, but then he wouldn't.  He was a ninja.
> "I'm angry with whoever told you to ask me that."

Yup, and ninja don't sound like they're lying because they know how to 
lie by telling the truth. Sometimes I hate that old man.

>          The woman stopped.  "I... I'm not going to hurt you," she said
> hoarsely, her voice breaking.  "Come -" She cut off in a sudden fit of
> coughing before continuing.  "Come closer.  Please."

...I don't know many redheads. The firstone I thought of isn't old 
enough, so.... Sakura's mom? O.o Was she a redhead?

>          After a while, the woman released Sakura from her embrace and
> sat back in her seat again.  "You look so much like Amaya did," she
> said, her eyes shining with tears, "but you have your father's eyes."

OK, so not her mom. Still feels like a relative though...

>          The woman suddenly bent over, one hand pressing over her
> stomach.  She looked up at Sakura, then grabbed her.  "Child," she said
> harshly.  "Calm down."  Sakura tried, almost instinctively obeying the
> order, but she couldn't.  She looked at the woman's face, and her eyes
> widened as she watched markings appearing on her cheeks.  Three dark
> lines, almost like whiskers, on each one.  Just like -
>
>          "You're... you're Naruto's mother," Sakura breathed, and the
> woman nodded.

Oh. That explains some things.

>          Sakura gasped as she looked down at her bare stomach, seeing an
> intricate, spiral pattern on her skin that she'd never seen before.

And that explans some other things, but now we've got new questions. 
Excellent ;)

>          "Yes, sir," the ANBU replied, and she spoke into her radio for a
> moment, passing on the orders.  Then she hesitated.  "If this Mizuki did
> steal the Fourth's Scroll of Seals, and he wanted Haruno to meet with
> him afterward... sir, if they're planning to break the seal -"

Thanks for explaining that bit.

>  She didn't practice ninjutsu in her underwear, after all.

I'll have to remember that one.

>          "Mizuki-sensei," Sakura whispered, and he stopped as he reached
> the door.  "Why are you doing this?"
>          He opened the door.  "I've told you before," he said.  "I'd do
> anything to protect my precious people."

Exactly.

>          Sakura was not a slow thinker, and her mind made the connection
> it hadn't been able to make before.  "I'm the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox,"
> she said tonelessly, as her world crashed to pieces around her.

OK, so I accidentally 'cheated' and read the end-notes before I got 
here... but still. There are enough changes I want to see where you're 
going with this--including how Naruto is affected, since you've 
essentially rewritten his entire character with that :)

 > Her mind raced through implications despite her desire to stop
> it.  Did her father know?  Was he her father at all?  What did that even
> mean, if she was the demon fox?  Was everything she thought she was
> nothing but a lie?

The answer, of course, is "yes". The fun part is figuring out what 
that answer means for question #3 >_<

>          Mizuki standing behind him and holding another shuriken,
> snorted.  "Remedial ninjutsu lesson," he said quietly, fury in his
> voice.  "Shadow replications keep going when the original is
> unconscious.  Idiot."  The second shuriken came down and took Tsurugi in
> the neck.

I honestly don't remember that bit, myself, so thanks for the note.

>          "You are the demon's container," Mizuki explained.  "Its prison.
> It was sealed inside of you, but it is not you."

And that distinction can be very important at times.

>          Sakura wondered if that even made a difference.  Surely a being
> so terrible as the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox could not be housed by a baby
> girl without consequence on her development.  Whatever girl Haruno
> Sakura might have grown into had as good as died on the day the demon
> was placed inside of her.

True... just not in the way she assumes.

> Author's Random Ramblings
>
> 2) Unlike my other current story, One Hundred Weeks, Dead Garden is
> based on something approximating current canon.  I won't rule out minor
> AU elements to make a better story (depending on your interpretation,
> I've already introduced a few) and don't promise any sort of compliance
> with future canon revelations.

That's fine, since the anime is lagging pretty far behind the manga, 
and the anime is the 'canon' I'm following. (Though I don't count the 
  filler as canon, which may complicate things.)

> 3) ...I suppose a sufficiently massive positive reaction to this
> story could convince me otherwise, though.

Don't rush it for my sake; I haven't been reading One Hundred Weeks 
simply because I didn't properly read One Hundred Days, and now I'm 
focusing more on Reflections Lost on a Dark Road and trying to catch 
up on a 400-some post backlog from here :/


Still, I will be looking forward to more of this one when you get to it :)
-DavidM
-- 
Rule # 1: There are always exceptions to the rules.
"I'm not compromising, I'm just being difficult!"-Beth Morgan, 7/10/02